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116. Way of the Beast
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2021-09-13 17:13:32Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 117. Face to Face
When I woke, I was no longer on top of Jenny. She was on top of me and had both my wrists held tightly in her hands. I guess she planned to keep an eye on me, too.We got dressed and gathered the others. Noreen appeared and took us to a room on a lower floor where we had breakfast. I had some fruit and cheese, while the others stuffed their faces.We went outside, past the fighting children, and headed towards the dragons which were eating grass and occasionally dropping steaming dragon turds. Flossie started to get jumpy as we got closer.A number of Mezzik lizardmen wandered in between the dragons, and standing in the middle of the herd was a young boy.“Is... Is that him?” said Claire, shocked even though I had given them a full description of what he would look like.“Good morning,” said Cheng, the deep voice still incongruous with his appearance.To suggest the girls revised their opinion of the demon with the mother-eating father because
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 118. Room for Truth
Flossie refused to have anything more to do with dragons. It was understandable considering she had just been forced to take a flying fuck, and probably thought she was going to die.Dudley held onto her and they looked like they planned to stay attached for the foreseeable future. Maurice and Claire did their best to calm her down, but Flossie only buried her face deeper into Dudley’s chest.The Mezzik gathered around and offered congratulations and seemed very impressed with what they had seen. Clinging on for dear life and screaming yourself blue in the face were apparently the signs of greatness among the Mezzik.The one person I couldn’t see in this throng was Jenny. I looked around and finally spotted her on the far side of the dragon herd, engaged in conversation with Hitokag. Jenny was doing all the talking while Hitokag had a concerned look on his face. His wings opened and closed which, from what I had been able to work out about Mezzik behaviour, was a s
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 119. Mask
The crowd parted as I led the Intui shaman into the castle. Cheng accompanied us but everyone else remained outside with their baited breaths, large wasps and huge expectations.It would be untrue to say I didn’t feel under pressure. Somehow, I had to avert a fight which would most likely result in my death. Talking my way out of a tight spot was nothing new, but all it took for me to fail was for the other person to say, “Nah, don’t buy it.”There were still a number of methods I could use to avoid getting involved with violence, most of which relied on convincing others to be violent on my behalf, but my preference was to find a method that didn’t require fighting. And that method was called lying.Lying, when it works, can be better than magic. Poof! The problem’s gone.“The Worm King is mentioned three times by name,” I said, pointing out the places on the wall, “and a couple of times indirectly.”The shaman had an awed look on his face. I don’t t
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 120. Welcome Back
Jenny cut my hair. It had grown to shoulder length so I must have lost a good chunk of time healing her. She trimmed it back to a mop and shaved my beard, if you could even call it that.I don’t know why I’ve never been able to grow a proper beard. Not even magical time-lapse produced growth of more than a few centimetres. I think I would have grown up much more secure in myself if I’d had good facial hair.“You’re an idiot,” said Jenny after I told her my theory. She finished shaving me — which didn’t take long — and then got me to shave her.The hair around her newly scarred skin was patchy and uneven. She wanted me to cut it all off on that side of her head, as short as possible.It was tricky with just a knife and I nicked her a number of times — which I healed, of course. By the end, she had an 80s New Wave haircut with half of it long and silky and the other half a skinhead. It looked kind of cool.We bathed and went to bed. When I woke, I was a
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 121. Revelations
As the portcullis went up, the lizardmen gathered behind us jostled for position. They had been told to allow us access to the city without their involvement, but what better time to invade Fengarad?Storming the city would be too tempting to resist with the gates wide open, and we’d be left as smears in the dirt as they trampled over us in a mad rush.Hitokag obviously knew what to expect from his ornery cousins. He grabbed the leader of the Vargau, who had been staring at the opening of the entrance while practically salivating, and spun him around to face his troops.Hitokag pressed his mouth against the side of the elderly Vargau’s head and I assume some harsh words were poured into whatever lizardmen had in place of ears. The Vargau raised his staff and ordered the excited rabble to back down, to which they responded by hurling abuse.I’m not sure if he would have been able to hold them off for very long, but it gave us enough time to duck under the sem
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 122. Here Comes the Bride
“I know you will have many questions. I wish I could answer them for you, but we’re under the gun. Time passes quicker than you think while you’re in here with me, and there may not be a world to return to if you don’t get moving right quick.”Uncle Pete, as his name suggested, was avuncular to a fault. That fault being his excess of charm and warmth. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to rush into action and save the world. But I am not the sort of person who wants to please others, so where was this desire coming from?“What about the weapon?” I asked him. “Do you intend to use it?”“As a last resort,” he said with a weary sigh. “If Nekromel attempts to break through into this world, I will have no other choice. It happened once before, and the devastation was severe.” He rubbed his chin.Maybe he was being sincere and I was the arsehole seeing shadows in the corners where there weren’t any. The deaths of many seemed to weigh heavily on him, as you would ex
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 123. The Only Girl in the World
Biadet drove us back to the dragon. Mandy seemed downcast and defeated. She paid more attention to her cake than any of us.Watching her eat it while the carriage lurched from side to side was mesmerising. Just when you thought she was about to shove a slice into her ear, her head swung around exactly the right amount to deliver it into her mouth, whole. She didn’t offer anyone else a piece.Roona sat next to me and ‘accidentally’ pressed herself against my arm as the carriage bounced us around. Her constant gaze made me uncomfortable. She was sizing me up and probably trying to figure out why I was the guy in charge. And how to twist me round her finger.Jenny sat on my other side and seemed more interested in the view from the window and only glanced casually over when Roona grabbed my knee to steady herself, before returning her gaze to the view.The sight of the dragon took the focus off me. Both Roona and Mandy were gobsmacked.Roona hesitated cl
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 124. All at Sea
I was wet, which wasn’t surprising since I was in the middle of an ocean. With no recollection of how I got here. The last thing I remembered was jumping into a black, swirling void, which probably wasn’t the best idea I’d ever had.Admittedly, the alternative was to stay where I was and wait for the spires of Fengarad to blast me into pieces.I remembered telling everyone to jump. Did they? Judging by the vast, empty ocean surrounding me, apparently not, although that didn’t explain what happened to Jenny, whose hand I had definitely grasped before leaping.One moment I was hurling myself into the void, the next I was floating on the surface of large swells, white spray slapping me in the face.I’m not the greatest of swimmers but I can keep my head above water. In a swimming pool. I’ve never been a great fan of the sea as I’ve always felt it could quite easily kill me. Every time I opened my mouth to gasp for breath, the sea rushed in. It tasted foul.
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
