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121. Revelations
Last Updated:
2021-09-13 17:13:32Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 122. Here Comes the Bride
“I know you will have many questions. I wish I could answer them for you, but we’re under the gun. Time passes quicker than you think while you’re in here with me, and there may not be a world to return to if you don’t get moving right quick.”Uncle Pete, as his name suggested, was avuncular to a fault. That fault being his excess of charm and warmth. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to rush into action and save the world. But I am not the sort of person who wants to please others, so where was this desire coming from?“What about the weapon?” I asked him. “Do you intend to use it?”“As a last resort,” he said with a weary sigh. “If Nekromel attempts to break through into this world, I will have no other choice. It happened once before, and the devastation was severe.” He rubbed his chin.Maybe he was being sincere and I was the arsehole seeing shadows in the corners where there weren’t any. The deaths of many seemed to weigh heavily on him, as you would ex
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 123. The Only Girl in the World
Biadet drove us back to the dragon. Mandy seemed downcast and defeated. She paid more attention to her cake than any of us.Watching her eat it while the carriage lurched from side to side was mesmerising. Just when you thought she was about to shove a slice into her ear, her head swung around exactly the right amount to deliver it into her mouth, whole. She didn’t offer anyone else a piece.Roona sat next to me and ‘accidentally’ pressed herself against my arm as the carriage bounced us around. Her constant gaze made me uncomfortable. She was sizing me up and probably trying to figure out why I was the guy in charge. And how to twist me round her finger.Jenny sat on my other side and seemed more interested in the view from the window and only glanced casually over when Roona grabbed my knee to steady herself, before returning her gaze to the view.The sight of the dragon took the focus off me. Both Roona and Mandy were gobsmacked.Roona hesitated cl
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 124. All at Sea
I was wet, which wasn’t surprising since I was in the middle of an ocean. With no recollection of how I got here. The last thing I remembered was jumping into a black, swirling void, which probably wasn’t the best idea I’d ever had.Admittedly, the alternative was to stay where I was and wait for the spires of Fengarad to blast me into pieces.I remembered telling everyone to jump. Did they? Judging by the vast, empty ocean surrounding me, apparently not, although that didn’t explain what happened to Jenny, whose hand I had definitely grasped before leaping.One moment I was hurling myself into the void, the next I was floating on the surface of large swells, white spray slapping me in the face.I’m not the greatest of swimmers but I can keep my head above water. In a swimming pool. I’ve never been a great fan of the sea as I’ve always felt it could quite easily kill me. Every time I opened my mouth to gasp for breath, the sea rushed in. It tasted foul.
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 125. A Drop in the Ocean
Jenny’s hand slipped out of mine as the wind sent everyone spinning.There was some screaming, which you might expect, but not from me, which you might not. I was too busy scanning the ocean for signs of my other self.I wasn’t sure what form of time travel this was, but possibly the me that saw us fall was down there watching. Or this could be a completely separate reality.What would happen if we met up? Would the universe implode?Or did the fact we didn’t meet last time mean we wouldn’t meet this time either?Time travel is nothing but a big headache if you try to figure it out from a scientific point of view. This, however, was a world where magic existed. That didn’t make it any easier to understand.In any case, I was unable to see a tiny head bobbing in the water. Within a few seconds I was unable to see much of anything. The wind had picked up and the air had turned into a blurred wall that couldn’t be seen past.We were flung i
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 126. One Up
In a game, you die, you res, you go again. Whether you go all the way back to the beginning or respawn at a save point, it’s a huge advantage to know what’s coming and to get several chances at beating it.If real life were like that, we would probably have a very different view of death.But consider if you were the character in the game. Not some pixels, actually you, a living person. Every time you died, you would come back, but you’d have to experience death over and over again.Would you become used to it? Treat it as no big deal?I had experienced death once. Not a near-death experience, an actual-death experience. It didn’t matter to me how advantageous it might be to get killed, I had no intention of experiencing that despair and desolation again.The axe the boy had dropped lay at my feet. I bent down and picked it up.“Listen to me,” I said to the woman sitting on the floor, “I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to answe
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 127. Jester of your Dreams
Uncle Stan tasted delicious. Terry didn’t look too happy as we scarfed down the meat, even though we did share it with her and the boys. Not my idea — the girls had undergone some kind of reverse Stockholm Syndrome.They served our prisoners first, made sure the children got the best cuts and generally undermined any attempt to intimidate the captives.You will answer my questions or suffer my wrath. More gravy?“That was supposed to last us for the rest of the month,” said Terry as she munched through a large mouthful of succulent, albeit stringy goat.“Where do you get your food from?” asked Maurice as he picked his plate clean. “I didn’t see any other animals. Is there a town nearby?”“Yes.” She stared at the white bone which was all that was left of her Uncle. “It’s about an hour’s walk from here. But we don’t buy our food from there. Uncle Stan was the last of our goats. He was the boys’ favourite.” She looked over at her boys stuffing their face
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 128. Lay of the Land
“What were you dreaming about?” Jenny asked me. Her mocking grin slipped aside to reveal a degree of concern. “It didn’t sound very pleasant.”I shook my head to clear it, but still felt quite groggy. I rolled off the bed and went over to the window. Outside, the sky was a light pink. Morning?“No, it wasn’t pleasant,” I said. “Did I say anything in my sleep?”She shook her head. “You just screamed and then grabbed hold of my tit like you were trying to stop yourself falling off the world.” She rubbed her breast again.“Sorry.” Squeezing her breast had been comforting, but my dream-self forgot to consider there might be someone on the other end of my groping hand. “The Jester spoke to me. Offered me whatever I wanted if I came to the palace to serve the Masters. It was a tempting offer, you know, if it hadn’t involved being eaten by demons.”I wiped the side of my face which was sticky with dried drool. When you sleep with someone, they get to see you
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 129. Death from Above
The box flying towards us was very high and bobbed through the air as the wings flapped up and down.“What is it?” I asked Loran.He shook his head sorrowfully. “A palace transport. They usually send them out to gather the summoned. It is considered a great honour to be sent for in such a manner.”“Should we make a run for it?” asked Maurice. “If it’s just a big box, maybe we can give it the slip.”I wasn’t sure there was much chance of that. The surrounding area was mostly flat grassland. There wasn’t really any cover and we wouldn’t be moving very fast.I hooded my eyes with a hand and tried to figure how it worked. Perhaps it was being carried by a large bird we couldn’t see because of the angle.“There’s got to be some troops or something inside, right?” I said.“Most likely the Palace Guard,” said Loran. “ They are vicious beasts with low intelligence and large teeth. I wouldn’t recommend fighting them.”“What should we do?”
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
