Wala akong tulog, wala din akong nakain. Pumasok ako sa trabaho na parang lutang at wala sa mood. Mabuti nalang at mabait si kuya Ian kaya sa kusina niya ako in-assign kahit server dapat ako ngayon. Maliban kasi sa pagiging bartender, siya din ang manager namin.
He gave me again my usual order at iyon na ang almusal ko. Hanggang lunch narin siguro 'to dahil ayoko nang kumain sa canteen. Papakiusapan ko nalang si Aesther.
Pagkatapos kong kumain ay nagsimula na akong magtrabaho. I am washing the dishes when Charryn entered. She's the supposed to be dishwasher today pero dahil lutang ako at ayaw kong mapahiya, nag-swap kami ng trabaho.
"Hoy mare, may gwapo doon sa labas!" impit na sigaw niya sabay tili. Hahampasin pa sana niya ako pero mabilis kong naiharang ang kawali.
"Lahat naman ata gwapo para sayo eh," sabi ko sabay tawa.
"Oo nga mare, pero 'yong nasa labas kasi ngayon, iba 'yong kagwapuhan niya. Tipo ko kasi 'yong mga chinito," sabi niya at may bahid ng pagpapa-cute ang boses niya.
Napailing nalang ako. Ito kasing si Charryn, basta pasok sa standards niya, crush na niya kaagad yan.
"Ang kaso... estudyante pa lang kaya ligwak din, hahaha," dugtong pa niya.
"Age doesn't matter naman eh," sagot ko, pinapagaan ang loob niya. Sobrang nanghinayang siguro siya baka dahil gwapo naman talaga.
"Hay nako, huwag ako ha. Sa dami ng taong judgemental sa mundo, walang panama 'yang linyang 'yan."
"Oh, edi move on tayo," natatawang sagot ko.
Natahimik siya at sinimulang punasan ang mga basong hinugasan ko. Tunog ng tubig lang ang naririnig ng walang anu-ano'y para siyang nagkaroon ng magandang ideya.
"Alam mo, bagay kayo nung lalaki. Subukan mo kayang magpakilala?" tanong niya sakin.
"Ano? Ayoko nga. Wala akong panahon sa mga love-love na yan," sagot ko. Inaayos ko na ang mga pinggan at baso sa lalagyan nito.
"Edi, gawing kaibigan. Problema ba 'yon?" tanong niya sakin.
Napailing nalang ako at hindi na sumagot. Hahaba pa ang usapan na 'to kapag hindi natigil dahil hindi nagpapatinag si Charryn.
Bumalik siya sa labas para mag serve ulit. Marami-rami din kasing estudyante at teachers ang nagka-kape at nag-aalmusal dito. Naging busy ako hanggang sa matapos ang shift ko.
When I got out of the shop, sinalubong ako ni Aesther. Kakarating lang din pala niya. Sabay kaming pumasok ng paaralan.
Nagsimulang magdiscuss ang teacher namin sa Media Information Literacy. Nakikinig lang ako at nagte-take down notes para sa quiz bukas.
Mabilis na lumipas ang oras at ang ibang mga subjects namin ay nag-orient lang tungkol sa kanilang objectives. Ang iba naman ay nagbigay ng diagnostic test.
Lunch time came and Aesther is now pursuing me to come with her in the cafeteria.
"Sige na, please," sabi niya na pinahaba pa ang 'please'.
"Pwede bang sa labas nalang tayo kumain? Nauumay na kasi ako sa mga pagkain sa cafeteria eh. Atsaka ang mahal eh," sagot ko sa kanya.
"We don't know how they cook their food. What if they're dirty?" tanong niya sa akin.
"Sa shop namin, I assure you, malinis don. Doon ako nagtatrabaho eh."
"Tss, sige na nga," sabi niya.
Lumabas kami ng school, at parang napipilitan lang sa paglalakad si Aesther. Mukhang ayaw talaga niya sa labas kumain.
Marami ulit ang tumitingin samin habang naglakakad pero hinayaan ko nalang. Magsawa sila katitingin diyan. Nagpatuloy kami hanggang sa makarating sa coffee shop.
We entered the coffee shop and I introduced her to kuya Ian and Charryn. Tumango lang si kuya while Charryn shook her hands. Aesther was hesitant at first pero tinanggap niya din naman. When we were seated, she sprayed alcohol in her hands. Namana ata niya ang pagiging health conscious ng mommy niya.
We ordered two slices of chocolate cake and one 12-inch bread roll. For our drinks, I ordered juice at milktea naman ang sa kanya. Eto na yung lunch namin. Hindi naman kasi nagbebenta ng kanin at ulam ang coffee shop na 'to.
We were quietly eating ng may mga tumili sa kabilang table. Nakatingin sila sa labas na parang may pinapanood na artista. I looked outside at may nakita akong grupo ng lalaking naka jersey. Basketball varsity ata ng school namin yan.
"Grabe, ang dami niyang supporters," pahayag ni Aesther. Nakatingin din siya sa mga lalaki sa labas.
"Sino diyan?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Si Sidhean, 'yong captain nila. He transferred here dahil walang senior high sa school sa kanila. Pero noon pa man, sikat na sikat na 'yan dahil ang gwapo at magaling sa basketball," mahabang litanya niya. Tumango tango na lang ako. Hindi ko naman kilala 'yan eh.
"Maybe he's facilitating the tryouts. Magaling siya eh, kaya naging captain kaagad," dugtong pa niya.
"Saan ba siya dyan?" tanong ko dahil hindi ko makita kung sino 'yong tinutukoy niya.
"Ayan oh! Iyong naka yellow na jersey tapos white na rubber shoes. Tapos matangkad at may wavy na buhok," sagot niya.
Hinanap ko naman ang sinasabi niya at nakita ko ito. Pero nakatalikod siya samin kaya hindi ko nakikita ang mukha niya. Fernandez yung nakalagay sa jersey niya at may number 16. Tumango nalang ako at nagpatuloy sa pagkain.
Napatingin ako ulit sa lalaki ng may maalala. Matangkad at wavy ang buhok? Siya ba 'yong sa bus stop last night? Iyong may naiwan na panyo? Speaking of the hanky, nasa bahay 'yon. Nakalimutan kong dalhin. Bukas ko nalang siguro dadalhin sa Lost and Found.
"Alam mo ba kung saan siya galing?" tanong ko kay Aesther. Sa naaalala ko kasi, papuntang South 'yong lalaki kagabi eh.
"Sa Talaban National High School daw. Eh diba, walang STEM na strand doon?" sagot niya at tumango naman ako.
North yung Talaban eh, so baka hindi siya 'yong nagmamay-ari ng panyo. Baka parehas lang sila ng pangangatawan at style ng buhok.
Natapos kaming kumain ni Aesther at bumalik kami sa school nang mag-ring ang bell. Nadaanan namin ang basketball court at marami ngang tao doon. Mukhang ongoing ang tryouts nila.
When we reached our classroom, naghihiyawan ang mga kaklase namin. Tinanong ni Aesther 'yong isa kung bakit at sabi naman niya ay wala na daw afternoon class.
"Ang sabi ng teachers, they'll give us time to audition sa mga clubs na gusto nating salihan," litanya ng section mayor namin.
Lumabas na ng classroom ang karamihan sa mga classmates namin. Nakaupo lang kami ni Aesther at parang walang balak lumabas. Nagse-cellphone nga lang siya eh.
"May club ka bang gustong salihan?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Wala, nakakatamad yan eh. At isa pa, hindi naman compulsory. Bakit? May sasalihan ka ba?" sagot niya.
"Uhm, sa chorale sana. For scholarship lang," sabi ko naman. Makakatulong din kasi sakin 'to para 'yong kikitain ko sa shop, iipunin ko nalang. Hindi naman ako sobrang galing kumanta pero wala namang mali kung susubukan ko.
"Then, go! Sumali ka doon," pag-udyok niya sakin.
"Di ka sasama? Okay ka lang ba dito?" tanong ko sa kanya. Mabilis kasing mabore 'tong taong 'to.
"May cellphone naman ako. Atsaka kung mabobore ako, puntahan nalang kita don, o baka matulog nalang ako," sagot niya sabay kibit-balikat.
"Okay, sabi mo eh. Alis na 'ko ha," sabi ko at lumabas na ng classroom.
Dumiretso ako papunta sa music clubroom ng school. Medyo malayo 'yon dahil nasa kabilang building pa. Sa field ako dumaan kahit mainit dahil baka mapag-tripan na naman ako sa mga corridors.
Nang marating ko ang music room, andaming nakapila. Sabagay, school kasi ang magbabayad ng miscellaneous fees mo at may kasama pang monthly allowance kapag member ka nang isang club or sports.
Nagtanong ako sa tagabantay kung paano sumali. Sabi naman niya ay mag-fill up daw ng form atsaka pumila. Magprepare daw ng kanta para sa audition. Ginawa ko naman at pumila ng maayos.
Halos 2 oras akong nakapila hanggang sa turn ko nang kumanta. Binigay ko sa kanila ang form na sinagutan ko kanina at ni-review naman nila iyon. When they said 'start', I began singing.
I am singing Crazier by Taylor Swift pero medyo mellow at mabagal. I also added my own flavor to the song and made some runs. I was just singing with my whole heart. Nakapikit nga lang ako the whole time kasi nahihiya akong tignan ang mga reaction nila.
When I stopped singing, nakapikit pa rin ako. I slowly opened my eyes and I saw their faces na parang nakatunganga lang sakin. Kinabahan ako dahil baka hindi maganda ang pagkanta ko although ginawa ko naman ang best ko.
I said my thanks and nabigla ako nang bigla silang nagpalakpakan. Iyong president ng club na nakaupo sa gitna ay may malaking ngiti.
"Matagal na namin hinahanap ang ganyang voice quality. 'Yong hindi typical at parang mula sa kaluluwa yung pagkanta. Kaboses mo pa nga si Moira eh," sabi niya na sinabayan ng tawa at nag-agree naman ang lahat. "I am more than impressed. Good job," dugtong niya.
"Add ko lang ha, you have to work on your runs. Mas linisin mo pa para mas gumanda performance mo," sabi naman ng isa na nasa kanan. Tumango naman ako at nagpasalamat.
"Well, mapag-aaralan pa naman niya yan. We will just post sa announcement board kapag nakadecide na kami ng mga tatanggapin naming bagong members, okay?" tanong ng nasa kaliwa.
"Okay po. Thank you po," sagot ko atsaka lumabas ng room. I am happy sa reactions nila and I'm really hoping na sana makapasok ako.
I was walking, going back to the classroom ng makarinig ako ng mga sigawan at palakpakan sa basketball court. May naglalaro pala. I walked towards them dahil parang may sariling utak ang mga paa ko.
When I reached the bleachers, hindi ko masyadong maaninag ang naglalaro dahil ang daming nakaharang. Ang tanging nakikita ko lang ay ang mga buhok nila.
"Ang gwapo ni Sidhean, grabe."
"Oo nga eh, ang lakas ng dating."
"Naku mare, mahihimatay na yata ako kapag tumingin sakin 'yan."
"May girlfriend na kaya siya?"
"Wala! Hindi pwede no!"
Iyan ang mga salitang palagi kong naririnig habang sinusubukang manood ng maayos. Noong may nakashoot, nagsisigawan na naman ulit. Iyon na ang naging dahilan ng pag-alis ko. Sobrang ingay nila.
Bumili ako ng bottled water at bumalik na sa room. Mabuti nalang at hindi ko nakasalubong ang mga taong kulang sa pansin kaya nakarating ako ng walang galos.
When I entered the room, nakita kong natutulog si Aesther. May dalawang babae sa dulo ng classroom na nag-uusap. I sighed. Nabore siguro siya kahihintay sakin. Mag-aalas singko na rin naman kaya ginising ko na siya.
"Hey. Wake up," sabi ko kasabay ng mahinang pagyugyog sa balikat niya. Hindi ba siya nangangalay? Nakayuko kasi siya sa desk eh.
Nang magising siya, nag-ayos na kami. Nag-cr siya sandali at nang mag-ring ang bell ay umalis na kami at umuwi.
The next day, nagtrabaho ulit ako ng maaga at bumalik ako sa pagiging server. Mabuti nalang at hindi ako masyadong inalila ng mga kapatid ko kaya hindi ako lutang o pagod. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagtatrabaho ng tumunog ang chime at may pumasok. I was about to greet them when I saw who they were. Sila yong mga nanambunot sakin noong nakaraang araw. "Good morning! What's your order ma'am?" tanong ko sa kanila. Tinignan naman nila ako mula ulo hanggang paa. Mukhang mapapasabak na naman ako nito. "Chocolate drink sakin at isang strawberry shortcake," sagot ng isang alipores niya. "Mine's just the frappe," tugon naman ng isa. "Two egg sandwiches with cheese and 1 cappuccino," maarteng sagot ng reyna nila. Inulit ko ang order nila at nagtanong kung may idadagdag pa ba. Hindi naman sila sumagot kaya dumiretso na ako sa kusina. Pinaluto ko kay Charryn an
The next day is dangerously quiet. I finished my shift at the coffee shop with ease, and two subjects have passed without any conflicts. I've passed two quizzes, and we're down to the last one this afternoon.Our teacher just dismissed us and we're waiting for the next one, then it's lunch time. I was just looking at the window and watching the football tryouts in the field.Iyong classroom kasi namin ay nasa second floor at nakaharap sa oval kung saan ginaganap ang mga field sports. Nakatunganga lang ako doon nang tinawag ako ni Aesther."Kae, I'm going to the CR," paalam niya sakin."Samahan kita?" tanong ko naman sa kanya."Yeah, sure," sagot niya.Umalis kami papuntang CR. Ang girl's CR sa school ay may limang cubicle at may tatlong lababo na nakaharap sa isang malapad na salamin.Pumasok si Aesther sa isang cubicle at nag
Halos tatlong oras lang akong natulog. I wasn't even fully awake when I entered the coffee shop. Pinakain naman ako ni kuya Ian ng pandesal at binigyan ng kape para kahit papaano ay magising ang diwa ko. As I was sipping my hot coffee, naalala ko ang nangyari kagabi. Sino kaya ang lalaking 'yon? Bakit kaya niya nasulat ang 'life is hard'? Masyado niyang naukopa ang isip ko na hindi ko man lang namalayan na pumasok si Charryn sa kusina. Tinapik niya ang balikat ko at nabigla ako sa kanya. "Ano? Okay ka na ba? Aba, eh magtrabaho ka na doon," utos niya sakin. Kanina pa pala ako nakatulala. Nagmadali akong ubusin ang iniinom kong kape at sinimulang magtrabaho. There are lots of people today compared to previous days. And to think that there's no special event in the school, this set up is kind of overwhelming. I was so tired when I finished my shift. Pumasok ako sa school at dumiretso muna
The whole week was a roller coaster ride for me. I was challenged by bullying, was slapped and pushed, locked in a cubicle, and treated as a slave. This is one messy ride that if given a chance, I would not dare experience it again.Today is Saturday and that means grocery day. I will spend my morning buying stuff needed in the house and needed by my aunt and sisters. Ako lang yata at ang tito ko ang hindi maarte sa gamit at hindi bili ng bili.I went to the nearest supermarket and got a cart to fill in with my supplies. I first went to the kitchen stuff, the ones needed for cooking. Oil, vinegar, soy sauce, spices, meat, milk, beverages, snacks, and many more. I actually have a long list of all the things I needed to buy that's written on my phone.I took my time inspecting the goodness of every product. From the expiry date, the nutritional facts, up to its usage and directions. Iniisa-isa ko talaga ang mga ito.
It's Sunday at magsisimba kami ngayon. Wala masyado akong tulog kagabi dahil may mga panaginip na naman akong hindi kaaya aya.Nasa isang gubat daw ako at nakatali sa isang puno. Umiiyak at sumisigaw ako pero parang mga demonyo ang nasa paligid ko at walang nakakarinig sa akin. Tawa lamang sila nang tawa. Mayroon silang binubungkal na lupa at nang malalim na ito, kinuha nila ako at tinapon doon. Walang silbi ang pagpupumiglas ko dahil ang lalakas nila. Wala ding silbi ang mga sigaw ko dahil mga bingi sila. Tinabunan nila ako ng lupa at doon na ako nagising na pawis na pawis.Hindi ako nakabalik sa pagtulog no'n kaya kulang ako sa tulog. Dalawang beses na akong binangungot at hindi ako komportable doon. Kaya ngayon, magsisimba ako. Kailangan ko ang gabay ng Diyos tuwing gabi.Nakabihis ako ng simpleng brown ruffle dress na hanggang ibaba lang ng tuhod. I also wore my red 2-inch wedge with strap. I put a little lip a
Classes resumed by monday and we're back to the same stress and frustration we felt on the first week of school. Days really fly fast. I couldn't even imagine myself still existing despite of those unimaginable happenings in my life the past week.I was walking through the corridors and went to the locker area. The bell hasn't rung yet so the masters had their dose of works for me to do this early. When I entered the school gates, I was surprised that they were also there, only for me to know that they purposely waited for me to arrive just to carry their bags.Nang mahatid ko sila sa kanilang classroom, heto ako't naglalakad patungong locker area to switch the things in their bags. Turns out they brought different books today, which I believe they planned to do. And now, they asked me to switch things in their respective lockers. Binigay naman nila sakin 'yong susi.When I arrived at the leader's locker, whose name I fo
Classes stopped at exactly 5:00PM. We prepared to go home but Aesther insisted on going to the mall first. Hindi naman sana problema 'yon kung hindi lang talaga dahil kila Cheska. Kailangan ko pa kasi silang ihatid gaya ng sinabi nila."I have things to do pa kasi Aesth, eh," sabi ko sa kanya. I don't want to disappoint her but Cheska and her alipores were clear about punishing me if I tell anything to Aesther."Please, please, please? Sige na, samahan mo na ako. Minsan lang eh," she pleaded. Mukhang wala na akong magagawa nito."Okay, ganito nalang, punta muna akong kabilang section dahil may kailangan ako doon, then after that we'll go, okay?" suggestion ko sa kanya. Agaran naman siyang tumango na parang bata kaya natawa ako. "Okay, let's go."Naglakad na kami papunta sa section nila Cheska. Nang makarating kami doon, pinalayo ko muna si Aesther para hindi niya marinig ang pag-uusapan namin. Nakita
I woke up earlier than my alarm and I don’t know why. To think that I wasn’t able to have the correct amount of sleep, I’m weirdly energetic today. Dahil ba ‘to sa gatas kagabi? Speaking of what happened last night, it never left my mind. At ngayon, naaalala ko na naman kung paano halos lumuwa ang mata ko no’ng makita ko si Sidhean. I shook my thoughts away and got ready for work. I prepared the breakfast for the royal family and prepared to go to Morning Dew. Maambon nga ngayong araw. Sinuot ko ang jacket at sumakay ng tricycle papuntang coffee shop. When I entered, si Kuya Ian lang ang bumungad sakin. Wala ring customer siguro dahil masyado pang maaga. I ordered my usual and after eating, dumagsa na rin ang mga drivers at mga early birds na mga estudyante. Naging busy ako hanggang sa natapos ang shift ko.
I kissed her. I’ve kissed her before but this time, it’s different. We are both healed. We both are new individuals, facing challenges together. We’ve been through so much, and I would love to go through more with her. I would love to be with her for the rest of my life. I put the letter down on the table and pulled her into me while our lips are still linked with each other. I pulled her waist closer and my hands draw small circles there. Her hands went from my face up to my nape. She’s clinging on to me, and it gave me a different kind of feeling. Saying butterflies in my stomach is too cliché as an adjective.  
I woke up early in the morning feeling excited about this day. Sa gabi ang hinandang party ni Sid and close friends lang ang invited at mga relatives niya. Bilang pasasalamat na rin niya raw ito dahil malapit na rin siyang grumaduate. Kinaya niya at kakayanin niya. Maraming naniniwala sa kanya at isa na ako doon. He’ll be a great brother and a boyfriend. Boyfriend. I smiled at the thought. Starting later this evening, wala ka nang kawala Sid. Naglinis ako at nagbihis para sa pagkikita namin ni Mav. Sana lang nagpaalam siya ng maayos sa fiancé niya. Ayokong masabunutan mamaya. Kaka-treatment lang nit
We were silent for about half an hour after she said that. I was expecting that she’s sorry at some point but I still was surprised when she dropped the word. Ever since we became bestfriends, she’s not the type to say sorry first. You have to humble yourself first before she admits her faults. And she always justifies her wrongdoings. Kesyo dapat daw maintindihan ko siya dahil it’s her first time, she didn’t know, and any other reasons she might have. Kaya nang nauna siyang mag-sorry, I was caught off-guard. Maybe life did change her, for the better, I guess. “Apology not accepted?” she nervously asked me. Nakatulala lang ako sa kanya, finding every hint of insincerity in her face, but all I can see is h
We’ve been sitting opposite from each other in silence. She would look at me and if I caught her, she would look away again. She’s also fidgeting with her fingers, nervous about something I don’t know. She wants to talk to me but she’s not saying anything since we went inside their bakery. All I can hear right now are the busy sounds of people working in the kitchen baking all kinds of pastries. I took the glass the cold water in front of me and drank from it. I looked at my wristwatch and it’s getting late. I still have to cook for our dinner. I looked back at her and she seemed to not talk anytime soon, so I stood up. &nb
“Congratulations, Kae! I’m so proud of you,” Dr. Jecyl told me and embraced me in a tight hug. This is my last meet with her as a patient but definitely not the last time as a friend. I am so happy I achieved something after a year. A year had passed and a lot of things happened. I have been visiting her clinic once I have free time and therapeutic sessions with her were all awesone and beneficial on my part. I could say – also according to her diagnosis – that I am healed. I don’t have panic attacks anymore and I can control my emotions now. Not that I want to hold all of my emotions, I still have breakdowns, and it’s normal. What I mean is, I am not easily affected like before. I know now when should I
“Ate, you’re done na ba?” my sister asked outside my room. “Malapit na!” I answered back and went to continue preparing. We are going to Ate Kaitlyn today. We agreed to visit her today and eat lunch with her. Matagal na rin kasi noong bumisita kaming lahat doon. Yes, Ate Kheana will be with us. Ang laki na nga ng tiyan niya eh. She’s expected to labor three weeks from now, and I am excited to see my niece. Bunso is excited, too. She even had a schedule na doon na matutulog kila ate para lang makasama ang baby. I am happy na umaayos na ang lagay naming lahat. As for Ate Kaitlyn, she’s also recovering well.
I woke up later than the time expected. Kuya Ian gave us a day to take a break and have time for ourselves. But I still have to work on the convenience store and the fastfood later. I stood up and went to the bathroom and washed up. After taking a bath, I looked for a decent pair of clothes and settled for a white three-fourth sleeve polo shirt and mom jeans. Today is the only time I am free to consult a doctor. Yes, I am finally taking a step towards healing. Ate Kheana suggested a psychiatrist for my therapy. She told me that she had a seesion once with her and she’s really good. So, I have to try it for myself, too. It might be minimized now, but I still have anxiety attacks. And I am tired of it. Also
Months passed and everything prettily went back to normal. Or that’s what I assumed to be. Classes started at the beginning of June and I worked hard for bunso’s school needs as well as our daily needs and Ate Kaitlyn’s needs. Ate Kheana would sometimes visit or call us to check up on us. The worry I had last time about her abandoning us for her new family went to waste. She still cares for us. And I thank her for that. Bunso on the other hand, had a heart-to-heart talk with me before she enrolled. She admitted that she felt sorry for me because I have to stop schooling for her. I told her it was all good but I also made her promise to do better in school. For her future’s sake. She did promise me that she will do her best to help me by doing great in school, and I took note of that. &nbs
Trigger Warning: Mentions of sickness and death I ran to him and checked his body for any bruise or whatsoever. I checked his face, his arms, his legs, and he was just standing there, too stunned to speak. “Anong nangyari sa’yo? Okay ka lang ba?” tanong ko sa kanya at gulat pa rin siya. “Hoy! Tinatanong kita!” mas nilakasan ko pa ang boses ko. “Ah-ha?” nauutal niyang tanong. “Anong nangyari sa’yo?” tanong ko ulit. “W-wala naman,” sagot niya n