Maybe it was the happiness and comfort of being with him that made me dream of something so surreal. Ikinakasal daw kami sa simbahan at maraming nanonood. Nakita ko ang mga kaibigan namin at pamilyang masaya kaming pinapalakpakan at humihiyaw.
Mumulat ako sa naramdamang mararahan na haplos sa aking buhok. Nakabalot ang kaniyang braso sa aking katawan at yinayapos ako. I felt the blanket around me to secure me from the cold, maybe it was his doing since I remember that I fell asleep after because of the exhaustion from swimming.Gumalaw ako para humarap sa kaniya para mayakap pa siya ng mas mahigpit. Naging mabagal ang paglubog ng araw ngayon at nagpapasalamat ako. Hindi ko pa siya kayang bitawan. Gusto ko pa siyang makasama ng mas matagal."Hmm?" he hummed when he saw that I was already awake.Medyo madilim na dahil tuluyan nang nakalubog ang araw. Ngunit sapat pa rin ang liwanag upang makita ang maaliwalas niyang mukha. Bakas ang kasiyahan sa kaniya. ItHer mother looked at me with her worried eyes. Kahit nahihirapan ay pasimple akong tumango at hinarap si Rafael na problemado na."Hey..." I caressed both of his cheeks as I guide him to look at me. His eyes dilated in worry. "Let's go pack your clothes."Umiiling niyang hinagilap ang mga kamay ko at hinalikan 'yon. "I promised you—""Rafael, this is your family.""Then come with me to Spain!"Nagulat man ay hindi na ako nagpahalata. I knew he'll suggest that. Talagang hindi lang ako makapaniwala na isasama niya talaga ako."I'm studying here, Rafael. S-Saka, nandito ang pamilya ko. Hindi ako papayagan.""Ipagpapaalam kita kay Tita—" Kapwa siyang natigilan at agad na nalungkot ang mga mata. Lumabo ang paningin ko sa kaniya dahil sa banta ng mga luha. I know, love. I'm sorry about mama."Babe," marahan kong tawag sa kaniya. "You have to go.""M-Maybe I can just follo
Mugto ang mga mata, bumangon na ako sa kama para maghanda na sa pagpasok. Madaling araw na akong nakatulog kagabi dala ng pagod mula sa mga nangyari. I turned off my phone and left it on my drawer. Ayokong dalhin ito dahil paniguradong lagi ko itong sisilip-silipin para tingnan ang mga litrato namin. I don't want to reread our conversations too because I'll surely breakdown. Pagbaba ko'y nakasalubong ko pa si Mama sa pagpasok ko sa kusina para kumuha ng tubig. She looked at me, worry is etched on her face. But I gave her a flat expression and passed thru her. My heart is completely numb to feel any kind of feelings right now. Pagod na itong masaktan, pagod na ring mag mahal."A-Anak, may allowance ka pa?" si Mama.Hindi ko siya sinagot at nagpatuloy sa pagsalin ng tubig sa baso.Hindi ko kayang tingnan at kausapin siya. Dahil sa tuwing nangyayari 'yon, umuusbong ang galit. May parte sa aking sinisisi siya kung bakit nangyayari ang lah
I woke up with the smell of alcohol. Sa pagmulat ko ng mga mata ay napansin kong nakahiga ako sa kung anong malambot. May nakapalibot na kurtina sa kamang hinihigaan ko. Napahawak ako sa aking noo dahil sa naramdamang hilo saka dahan-dahang bumangon para makaupo. Kasabay niyon ay ang biglang pagkahawi ng kurtina.Parehas pa kaming nagulat ni Nurse Anne. She cleared her throat and gave me a small smile as she proceeds on pushing the curtains on the side. Umawang ang labi ko noong makita si Miss Halona na nakatayo pala sa tabi niya. Her sharp eyes stared at me, blank and serious. I gulped in anxious and averted my eyes away from her."Hija, may nararamdaman ka bang masakit sa katawan mo?" tanong ni Nurse Anne sa akin. Umiling ako. "W-Wala po.""Nahimatay ka kanina, hija," she informed me before she started explaining my health complications. Nagbaba na ako ng tingin noong binanggit niya ang pagkakakulang ko sa pahinga. Magpapatuloy pa sana
TW: Sexual Harassment & Mentions of Self-Harm.Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras ba akong nanatiling nakaupo lang sa sahig, tulala at tila wala na sa sarili. Nakasandal ako sa lamesa ni Papa at hindi na rin siya umalis sa tabi ko simula noong yumakap siya sa akin. Nanuyo na ang mga luha sa aking pisngi, kumalma na ang aking mga hikbi, ngunit hindi napapawi ang sakit sa puso kong tahimik na humihiling na sana matapos na ang lahat ng ito. Pabalik-balik ang kanina pang kumakatok sa pintuan ng Principal's Office at kahit isang beses ay hindi iyon nilapitan ni Papa. He remained seated as he carefully watches me to ease my pain. Pero sa pagkakataon na 'to, wala nang kahit sino pa ang makakatulong para mahilom ang sugat na unti-unting umuubos sa akin. Kahit ako.Dahan-dahan akong tumayo sa pagkakaupo at natataranta naman siyang inalalayan ako. Sa natitirang lakas ay hinigit ko ang braso ko mula sa pagkakahawak niya. Nagulat siya roon ngunit hindi
I don't know how much I can still endure to live in this lifetime. I don't know how much I can still sacrifice to save my family from the cruelty of the world. I don't know how much I can still find the purpose of everything. I don't know. I'm completely broke and in complete, all I could ever hold on to is the feeling of emptiness inside me. In hopes of filling up the spaces someday... I looked at my mother with nothing but rage as she wipes my arm with a wet towel. Droplets of tears are falling down from her eyes as she sniffs and stifle her mumbled cries. As I took in the view of her guilt and sadness, a warm feeling of pain builds up in my chest. Why? That's all I could think of. And I don't even know if I'm ready to hear her answers. I don't know if I'm capable to grasp it within my sanity to calm my raging thoughts. "K-Kabilang kamay naman, anak." When Felix
I figured that Felix already knows that Mama is aware of what his evil schemes as to why he decided to lock us inside the house. Nagulat na lang ako paggising kinabukasan, bumungad si Felix sa kwarto ko at itinulak ako papasok sa banyo. Hindi na ako nagtangkang manlaban o sumigaw dahil nakahiga sila Mama at Seira sa aking kama, mahimbing ang tulog.I looked at Felix with profound disgust as I remove my clothes. There are times that I imagine myself stabbing him until he bleeds to death. There are times that I hope he'll crash into an accident and lose his breath.Am I too cruel to ask for someone's passing? That I even pray to Him.For the past few weeks of staying locked down inside our house, we weren't able to move freely. Mama and I would give cautious
TW: Physical AbuseLibo-libong boltahe ng kuryente ang umaatake sa aking puso. Pakiramdam ko ay biglang sumikip ang buong lugar dahil nauubusan ako ng hangin upang makapagsalita. The building up tension inside my chest cause the sudden exhaustion. Sa sandaling napakinggan ko ang kaniyang boses, tila isang tawag na iyon ng paghimlay at pahinga.“R-Rafael…” I mumbled in yearning.His faint chuckle on the other line made me close my eyes so I could grasp the sensation it brought me more. I am having a hard time believing that I am really talking to him right now. Nananaginip ba ako? Sana’y hindi na ako magising pa.“Baby, hi&hellip
I know that I promised that I shall not do anything that will cause harm to my family further. But seeing the bruises and wounds on my sister’s delicate skin changed my discernment of our situation. By then, I knew that I have to do something to stop this madness. Even though I’ll risk a lot of factors in the safety bubble that I made.I took a deep breath before I dialed the number on our telephone hotline. Shaking in fear of getting caught and the persuasion of anger that resided inside my chest, I held it close to my ear as I wait for someone to pick it up.“Good evening! This is Lacueto Pizza, how may I help you?”My eyes quickly drifted to the door of my bathroom, confirming that I really did lock it before I went inside. I cleared my throat and rubbed my arm for the tension that I am feeling that I am having goosebumps.“C-Can I order a family-size pizza?”“Yes, ma’am! We have sizes of 6 inches
Hindi ko na nagawang magpaalam nang maayos kay Renz pagkatapos niya akong ihatid sa building ng condo ko. I only got to smile a bit and nodded at him when he bid his good bye. At least, I waited for his car to go before I turned my back and went inside.Tulala ako buong oras na hinihintay kong tumigil sa tamang palapag ang elevator na sinasakyan. At nang makarating nga sa condo ko, dumiretso na ako sa banyo at naglinis.Pumikit ako habang dinadama ang tubig na bumabagsak sa katawan ko mula sa shower. It's draining how I can still see his image right before I entered Renz's car.Why did he even take a step forward? As if he was going to approach me.Rafael... Kailan mo ba balak bitawan ang puso ko?At kailan ko ba babawiin?Huminga ako nang malalim. I should really go back to sleep and take a rest. Mawawala na rin naman 'tong pakiramdam na ito kinabukasan. Ang mahalaga ay hindi ako magtatagal at aalis na rin agad bukas.I was drying my hair with a towel when I remembered that I left my
“Let’s raise our glasses for the newlyweds as they share another sweet kiss as husband and wife!”Nakangiti kong itinaas ang aking kopita katulad ng lahat. When they finally kissed, noon lang namin mahinang ipinukpok ang baso ng kurbyentos upang gumawa ng tunog while cheering on them. Mas lalong lumakas ang hiyawan noong pinalalim ni Levi ang halik at humawak naman sa batok niya si Rein na nagustuhan ang ginawa ng asawa.Their kiss ended after a few more seconds. Patuloy pa rin ang pang-aasar sa kanila lalo na’t namumula si Rein, noon lang nahiya noong nagsisigaw na ang lahat.“What a very passionate kiss from Mr. and Mrs. Fernandez! Talagang kinilig ang lahat!”Hinarangan ni Rein ang mukha niya at pabirong hinampas ang braso ng asawa. Levi only laughed and held her waist to pull her closer, earning another batch of screams from us.Pagkatapos kumalma ng lahat ay umupo na rin kami. May mga server na dumating para
Noong tuluyan na akong makalayo sa kanila ay saka ko lamang sinagot si Kenzo. “What do you mean I have a new project?” Rinig ko ang pagsalin niya ng tubig mula sa kabilang linya. Taking his time, I even heard him sipping his water and his big gulp was as if on purpose to tease me. Napahaplos ako sa aking braso noong humangin, nilalamig kahit kasalukuyang tirik ang araw. Wala sa sariling ibinalik ko ang tingin sa kabilang panig ng simbahan at nakitang papaalis na ang lahat para dumiretso sa venue. Nanatili ang paningin ko sa partikular na pamilyang halos pinapanood din ng lahat. Rafael opened the door for Sianna and even held her waist to guide her inside. Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi noong marahas na tumibok ng aking puso dahil sa nakita. Rafael then reached for the back seat, probably to check on their son who was seated there. Pagkatapos ay nakangiti niyang isinara ang pintuan ng kotse at nagulat ako noong bigla siyang bumaling sa direksyon ko! Hindi
Long before I realized that I lost my way from the perception of my sanity, I gripped my hand as I try to go back to the right path.The rapid of my heart wasn't helping and an act of a claw clutching it in agony tortured me more.Kailan ko nga ba huling naramdaman 'to?Hindi ko akalain na makikita ko siya rito. Hindi ako sinabihan nila Rein at Mavros. Hindi ako handa!Huminga ako nang malalim. Trying to convince myself that there are no more reasons for me to be affected by the fact that he's here, I smiled a little and had my eyes straight to the altar.Dapat ay matagal na akong okay sa katotohanang ito. Dapat... matagal na rin akong nakalimot. Ngunit talagang imposible."Ayos ka lang?" mahinang bulong sa akin ni Mavros na siyang nasa tabi ko ngayon.Ngumiti ako at tumango. Ngunit mas lalong lumalim ang kunot sa kaniyang noo
“On behalf of LAX Airlines and the entire crew, I’d like to thank you for joining us on this trip, and we are looking forward to seeing you on board again in the near future. Have a nice day!”"Thank you." I smiled at the flight attendant who attended me when I asked for help with my baggage. Ngumiti siya sa akin at tumungo bago nagpaalam.Dire-diretso ang lakad ko hanggang sa marating ko ang station two at napagdesisyonang doon na muna tumigil para tawagan si Renz na siyang susundo raw sa akin. Ani Rein, hindi na raw pala sila makakapunta rito dahil baka mahuli sa kasal. Ayos lang naman sa akin dahil naiintindihan ko, mas makakabuti pa nga."Saan ka?" tanong ko kay Renz na siyang kausap ko na sa telepono."You don't see me?" he said. "Maghanap ka ng lalaking nagwawagayway ng kartolina. Kita na kita."Napangiti ako at agad na inilibot ang paningin sa paligid. Bahagya pa akong natawa noong makita si Renz na todo
The next day, my phone was bombed with notifications from Rein and Mavros. Some of my other friends sent me friend requests and accepted mine. Kahit si Kenzo ay nakita ko sa listahan. Bahagya akong natawa dahil doon bago tinanggap ang kaniya.Rein Liana: Ellei Rolloque Velasco. Sebi, ikaw ba talaga 'to? Ikaw ba 'to?Rein Liana: Sumagot ka naman, oh. Parang awa mo na, Sebi. Miss na miss na kita.Agad kong sinalo ang mga luhang tumulo kahit nangingiti dahil sa pagbabasa ng mga mensaheng pinadala nila.Maverick Rosu: Sebi... Ikaw ba 'to?Maverick Rosu: We miss you so much. We're here, okay? Nandito lang kami. Kahit nasaang lupalop ka man ng mundo ngayon, handa kaming pumunta kung nasaan ka man para damayan ka. Mahal na mahal ka namin, okay?Mavros: Thank you for reaching out again. Talk to us when you're ready. Nandito lang kami.Maybe at some point, I regretted leaving them behind and had them searching for t
The crowd applauded as I bow my head and waved my hands to bid my farewell after finishing my speech. Hindi rin naman kasi ako pwedeng magtagal sa platform dahil may mga susunod pa sa akin at may sarili-sarili kaming time limit."Congratulations!" maligayang bati sa akin ni Kenzo na siyang may bitbit pang bouquet ng mga bulaklak noong nasa backstage na ako.Malawak akong napangiti dahil doon at nagagalak na tinanggap ang bulaklak na ibinigay niya. He smirked and tugged my arm to finally hug me."You did fucking great! I'm so proud of my girl!"I chuckled and slapped his arm in a mocking way. Napakinggan ko pa siyang ngumisi bago humiwalay sa yakap at ginulo ang buhok ko."Do you want to eat somewhere, Lei? My treat."I winced and nudged him. "No lies?""I swear on my sister's grave."Ngumuso ako para pigilan ang ngiti at saka tumango bilang pagpayag. Dahil doon ay marahan siyang natawa bago hinaw
By recalling everything that happened, I realized how much of a regret burden me still up until the recent time.Seira… it feels like I am living with a different person now ever since we were discharged from the hospital.Samantalang sa mga araw na bumibisita ako sa psychiatrist, natutunan kong luwagan ang kapit sa mga ala-alang sumisira sa akin.“What about painting?” Dra. Sanchez suggested. “You told me that you’ve tried before and it helped. What about… we focus on this activity first?”As I go along with the flow of life, I have found the hidden existence behind the obstacles that forced me out of my zone.I stared at the blank canvas in front of me. My mind, in a whirlwind of spectacles, as I try to figure out what to do first. At that very moment, I’ve conceded that I’ve reserved myself to the gloam of my torment that I’ve wasted a year of my life trying to figure out how to heal
“It would be better if you’ll let her stay here for a while so we can monitor her as well. What she’s going through, Ms. Rolloque, isn’t the type to be neglected further.”I presented to be asleep the whole time that Aunt Luzette was talking to the Doctor who checked up on me. I didn’t have to hear her diagnosis because I have already confirmed it myself ever since I spot on the symptoms of it. From my mind’s less capability of keeping me sane to the bruises that I’ve inflicted on myself.After a few moments, the Doctor finally went out and left us inside the hospital room where I am at. I heard Aunt Rolloque sighing in defeat, too heavy that I feel like I was already starting to become a burden to her. But what can I do? Eto ako ngayon. Kahit ang sarili ko ay hindi ko na makontrol.“I know you’re awake,” aniya makalipas ang ilang sandali. Hindi pa rin ako mumulat at nagpatuloy sa pagpapanggap. Sh