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As I woke
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2024-11-12 04:14:22I woke up again in the same room I imagined in my nightmare. Only this time, it was empty of everyone but me and all the wires and monitoring devices that I previously had on had been removed carefully. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. And there was nothing I could do to change it. I waited anxiously for someone to walk through the door but after ten minutes. I figured that they’d been avoiding me thinking I was resting or something far worse. After weighing out the possibilities, I feel the urge to get up. I slowly drag myself to a sitting position and dangle my feet off the side of the bed. I sit there for a minute silently judging myself on how badly I must’ve failed to end up here. I then slowly and quietly wiggle out of bed and make my way to the restroom located right by my hospital room door. I take a minute to steady myself. Holding onto the bathroom sink, I look up to see my reflection. Looking back at me, I see the same as always. Vivid green eyes, hourglass figure, long black hair, plump lips and my father’s perfect nose. Too bad pretty doesn’t pay the bills or get you a legacy. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I always saw what everyone else saw: pretty but most likely pretty dumb. I worked so hard to be smart, to be the best. So nobody could underestimate me.
I know what you’re thinking. What’s so bad about being pretty? Well the answers’ simple. I thought pretty was a good thing until about eighth grade. I had friends, crushes and a life then but it didn’t mean as much as I thought it would. My “friends” paid a guy to ask me on a date. Not just any guy but the only cute guy in school that every girl drooled over and he had to no problem taking the bribe and in return, was supposed to trick “dumb” pretty me into bed with him and take pictures to send to everyone else. But I thought he liked me as any 13 year old girl would. So I obviously said yes and planned to go his house after school for a movie. I gleaned all day until the final bell rang. He even came to my last class and waited for me. We walked over to his house about two blocks away and up the stairs to his room. He seemed nice and l thought he wanted to be my boyfriend so I allowed him to hold my butt as we watched the movie in his bed (not like I had anything there anyways) but after about thirty minutes, he started kissing me and I got nervous. He told me to relax that he knew what he was doing. I should’ve ran before things got bad. But I tried to relax and kissed him back even though that was my first kiss. Then he started to tear at my clothes trying to get them off as quickly as possible. I panicked and pushed him back. He (who I will never give name as it would give him power) grabbed me again only this time he started hitting me. He pulled me off of his bed by my leg until I hit the floor and kicked me in my stomach twice as I cried and coughed. “Why are you doing this? I thought you liked me. Please stop.” The thought now that I could have been so wrong then haunts me and has resonated whenever I thought of the idea of love. He lowered down next to me as he finally decided to give me an explanation. “Pretty girls are supposed to be whores and stupid ones at that. What makes you think you can say no to me? I want what I started and my $200.” I looked at him through glossy eyes, hit him where it hurt and ran until the air I heaved in my lungs started to feel like broken glass and I reached my front door. I refused to tell my parents and pretended everything was fine as I went to my room to check my wounds and cry. Ever since then, I’ve been repulsed by the idea by of being pretty and that the idea of love could be based on beauty. And here I was, letting that repulsion take over once again. Only this time, I’m interrupted before the tears as I hear my mom calling my name anxiously. Maybe there was something wrong with me.Related chapters
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After what has come our nightly ritual, we laid down for bed. Maverick had cuddled me close until I fell asleep.I awoke the next morning to my alarm. I’d have my first radiotherapy enhancement today. I look over to see Maverick is still sleeping and I shuffle quietly out of bed. I almost make it out until I feel a hand grab my wrist. “It’s early. What’s wrong?” I look over to see Maverick peaking at me groggily.“Treatment - today. I have to be at the hospital in twenty minutes.” I say as I stare down at the bed.“Want me to come?”“No, get some rest. I’ll only be gone about an hour.” I lean over to kiss him and then get ready to leave. I watch as he rolls onto his side and falls back to sleep.This was the first time Maverick had been there when I woke up. His chiseled features accented by the shadows of light dancing along the curtain. His hair thrown carelessly and his blue eyes - out of sight as he slept. He reminded me of what Greek mythology expressed as Gods. As u admired his
The web I can’t unweave Home at Last
Once we get back to my apartment, Maverick wakes me gently and picks me up to bring me inside. He gently opens the door and takes me directly to my bed. He then shuts the door and brings himself back to the room, sitting down in the bed carefully.“You feeling okay?” He asks carefully as if the words were boulders that would roll over me if spoken too loudly.“Yeah. I’m just really tired.” Not a complete lies I was tired although I was more exhausted than anything and it had nothing to do with a lack of sleep. I wasn’t improving the way we had hoped, my health was slowly interfering with my life, my doctor seems intent on pursuing me even while I have my person sitting in the same bed as me, I embarrassed myself at EnviroDoc and there’s still the cherry to top it all off: I have brain cancer. A cruel sick joke that taunts me relentlessly so I meant it wholeheartedly when I said I was tired.I look up at Maverick to see his mind is steadily at work. He had read between the lines. There
The web I can’t unweave Finally free of the hospital
After Darren left, I waited about an hour while Maverick stayed resting peacefully at my side. Waiting for my discharge was just as eerie as walking up in this same room once again.I hear a knock at the door as the nurse slowly enters. She sees Maverick sleeping and decides to speak to me quietly.“Ms. Richardson, these are your discharge papers. The doctor has added your new treatment regiment in which you’ll be following up in the oncology department. I believe he spoke with you already?” “Yes. I’m aware.” I say quietly as I try not to wake Maverick.“Okay, great. Well there are some health guidelines to follow for your condition and the doctor has added a prescription of antacids for your stomach and zofran for your nausea. I have your prescriptions as the doctor requested they be sent and filled to in-office pharmacy. Do you have any questions for me?” She asks as she carefully hands me the paperwork and a bag containing my prescriptions. “No, thank you. Am I okay to leave now?
The web I can’t unweave My results
After more than an hour of imaging, Darren returns me to my room. “I’ll be back to go over your imaging with you in a bit. Is there anything I can get for you in the meantime?” Darren asks with a sad smile. I think I’m okay. Thank you, Darren” I look at Maverick as Darren leaves the room. He looks exhausted and yet he found time to raid the vending machine for snacks and a drink. “Hungry? I had some time to get a few things since I didn’t know how long we’ll be here? He smiles slightly. We? He was free to leave at any time but he intended on staying even though he was exhausted. “I’m okay right now. Do you want to share the bed with me for a nap instead?” I start to scoot over, leaving half of the blanket for him. “An irresistible offer.” He smiles as he gets into my bed. He then puts his arm behind my head and brings me closer to him. “Are you tired?” He asks. “Not really but this is nice.” “Well the nurse gave me a tablet where you can stream shows while you’re here. Care t
The web I can’t unweave Still in the ER
I try to rest as I wait for Darren to return to take me to imaging. As I slept, I begin to dream of things I’d never considered for myself in the future. I am in bed reading a children’s’ book to a tiny human, smiling as I turn the pages and see their excitement and hear the word ‘mommy’ echo as the child looks up at me. A moment passed as I reply ‘yes baby’ with a smile. I continue reading until all of a sudden - it’s dark outside and the darkness engulfs the room. Once the light returns, I’m in a white room. It’s large and empty space making it feel like a cage of white walls. I instinctively pick up pieces of crayons and write on the walls as if in a trance and begin writing my fears on each wall of my enclosure.No loveDeathNo familyDeathCancerDeathNo legacy DeathBy the time, I stop writing, every surface of that room was covered in fears written in different colors and ‘DEATH’ written in capital letters and red crayon all over. I then get up and begin touching each wall.
The web I can’t unweave My not so short ER visit
“Cassandra, what happened? You seemed fine this morning and I have you on the schedule to come in tomorrow.” he says as he reads my chart - making no effort in acknowledging Maverick sitting by my side. “Well I got dizzy and went to the bathroom at work and the next thing I remember is vomiting blood.” I look down at my legs, trying to remember anything else but that seems like everything. “Have you eaten anything strange lately?” He asks as he washes his hands to put on gloves. “No. I didn’t even eat breakfast this morning.” “I’ll be checking you over and we’ll see what’s the next steps. Okay?” Darren makes his way towards me. “Okay.” Maverick keeps his hand on mine as Darren examines me. He touches my lymph nodes, listens to my lungs and heart, checks my tonsils and ears but finds nothing out of the ordinary. “I’m not seeing anything that would have caused that bleeding externally so I’d like to press on your abdomen to make sure there isn’t any discomfort.” “Okay.” I lay
The web I can’t unweave Not again
I wake up to frenzy of people around me - one of them being Maverick. The look on his face ringing in my bed as he picks me up and places me on a gurney. As the paramedics roll me out of the bathroom, I look back and see the toilet had been flushed. Had Maverick done so to maintain my secret? I am brought back to the hospital and placed into the exact room where I was previously diagnosed with a brain tumor. As if the side effects alone weren’t a constant reminder of my impeding doom. I sit patiently as the nurse goes over what happened and checks my vitals. “Okay Ms. Richardson, everything looks stable. The doctor should be in to see you shortly.” “Thank you.” The words escape as a whisper. I felt defeated and watched as she gives a small smile and leaves. The nurse had given me a IV to maintain my hydration upon my arrival. And I find myself watching each drop pass slowly. I hated this feeling.This room reminded me of perish and here I was - again. As I sulk, I hear someone en
The web I can’t unweave The day ahead
Once we arrived at EnviroDoc, I sit back for a moment and gloom at Maverick as he turns off the truck. The silence permeated the entires truck during our hour long commute. “You do know that I didn’t invite him, right?” I say in a serious manner. I had been honest with Maverick and had no intention in hiding anything. “Have you ever invited him to your place?” He asks while passing a glance at me. He was uncomfortable and rightfully so. It looked bad. “No, he asked my parents for permission to take me to work and they agreed. I didn’t know and I’ve never invited him or even given him my address - other than the paper forms when I became his patient.” I say as I fiddle with my sleeves. This is not my ideal morning. “Cass, I want to believe you have nothing going on with him but it’s hard too, especially when he just shows up at your apartment.” He looks worried or perplexed. No one ever cared about me enough to show any concern - Other than my parents“Why would I contact my doctor
The web I can’t unweave The next morning
I must’ve fallen asleep sometime during our movie because when I wake up, I’m in my bed alone. I find my phone in the nightstand with a piece of paper attached. ‘Good morning! It’s officially our first day at EnviroDoc! I had to leave early to get my truck and get clothes but I’ll pick you up for our first day at 8:30AM. Maverick’I look at the time and it’s 8:15. Shit.I run to the bathroom and put myself together without a moment to spare and hear the doorbell just as I’m grabbing my bag.I open the door expecting Maverick but it isn’t. It’s Darren.“What are you doing here?” I ask as he smiles as walks into my apartment casually.“Well I know today is your first day for your internship and I thought I’d stop by and offer to escort you to the office?” He smiles slightly and waits for my response.“I didn’t tell you when I would be starting?” How did he know? And how did he know where I lived?“Well your parents told me and gave me permission to come.” He says with a shrug.“Um - t
