CHAPTER 7: I Want Him Back!

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HANNAH

After a long conversation and profound discussion and creating assumption about the book, the article and facts about the Extreme or severe introversion, I decided to buy the interesting book about Overcoming Extreme Introversion.  I was quite fond collecting book about human, psychology, dreams, condition, emotions, thoughts and feelings. Apart from the books I had from the school, I made sure to collect every piece of psychology-related books in all bookstores, old and new, costly or on-sale. Of course I did to widely understand myself. Yes, It was really a selfish gain but can you really blame me for trying to understand myself and my ability. I was not even doing this to be a professional, therapist, psychologist or whatsoever but somehow, I learned to love the course.  I was enjoying it indeed.

“Are you really planning to continue your graduate studies Hannah?” Lexy asked me.

When we went outside from the bookstore, Lexy inquired me if I have interest to pursue my Master’s degree and to be a psychologist. In the meantime, I had no idea if I would continue studying or just get experience first before going through my continuing education development. I was actually thinking about my grandparents who were still working despite of their ages just to let me study and to pursue what I want, but there was a little void inside that needs to be filled.

“I really don’t Lex. How about you guys?”

We never really talked about it until Lexy brought it to the table. Lexy would pursue her studies and that’s what she promised to her parents while Rox would finish her degree and help her parents first. Hearing both sides made even more difficult for me to decide.

“We still have days to come. For now, we have to walk fast and celebrate.” I shouted.

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While preparing everything in the garden, Lexy was tasked to prepare the things we need; Rox started to fry the meat while I was slicing onions and garlic. As they say, onion makes you cry and it swollen your eyes because of pain. When Rox had noticed me, she laughed and started teasing me.

“Are you crying because of the onion or because of something else?” She said loudly. When I heard her, I even cried harder.

“Until now, you don’t know the technique of slicing the onion. I already told you to soak the onion first with water before you slice it.” She explained as if she were a teacher from culinary school.

While helping me out to slice the onion, I went to the kitchen to wash my hands with soap. I could barely open my eyes, and the pain was really excruciating. I cursed slicing onions which I usually does but at the end that task was still mine to carry out.

Memories were most vivid when you are in the process of moving on. Rox mentioned that while I was crying. Was it because of the onions or was it because of someone else. Well, if I could be honest with myself with them, It was really the onion, at first but when Roz asked me that, everything flashbacked like phantasmagoria. Jordan also like Korean foods, and everytime we went on dates, most of the restaurant we chose were Korean Resto.

We had the same interest in almost everything and most especially in foods. I remembered one time, when we had dinner to celebrate our 15^th monthsary in his place. I was also tasked to slice the onion, and when tears started to flow, I saw how he worried about me but I felt that he was teasing me too. Because he said that, how could I not perform a simple task. Then, he promised to cook foods for me for the rest of our lives.

Well, like they usually said, “Promises are meant to broken”.

When Lexy saw me, she hurriedly asked me what happened. When I pointed my finger to show my eyes, she knew already what happened. Then, she went to the fridge to grab the ice bag, she asked me to put it on my eyes just to relieve myself from the pain. I teased if she could also bring ice bag for the heart. She laughed and hugged me at back, knowing that she was also concerned about me. After a little while, she asked me to stay there in the kitchen and wait for the pain to go away. When she left to help Rox outside, playful thoughts began to run in my mind.

“I want him back!” To be honest, I really want him back but i don’t if how’s that possible, knowing that he was just fine a while ago. I really missed him. I really wanted to hug him. My mind was full of memories with him. So, how could I finally forget someone if huge part of my memory was his? I was cognizant about the process of moving, I even memorized the phase of each stage. I was still in denial, denying the fact that we broke up. Deep within me, I knew that, one day Jordan will reach me out and ask me if I was open for reconciliation. And if that day arrives, I knew it within my heart that I would accept his invitation.

On the other side of the hill, if I didn’t reach the final phase of the moving on which was acceptance; I would stuck in the cycle of each phase like a loophole, running through all the process without reaching my destination. The pain in my eyes had gradually gone but the pain inside was still there, alive and vibrant. Tears freely fell down and I had no control of it. I wished I could but the moment I ceased myself from crying, it made even harder for me. So, I let it flow and there you go again, I was crying in despair.

When Lexy went back inside to check me, she saw me crying again. She gave me a hug and told me that she knew that it was not the onions anymore but it was something they all knew. She asked me to go inside, and being alone thinking a lot of things would never be healthy. A therapeutic way to ease the burden of my thoughts was to be surrounded with people I love and I felt her love, really. So, we marched back to the garden and we started celebrating.

“Cheers!” We said in unison.

Again, the celebration turned out to be my night, a night of crying. After days of showing how I strong I was in front of everyone. That was the moment; I could not hide myself anymore, that I could not hide my true feelings anymore. I started to wail like an abandoned child crying on a street. I told them how I feel.

“Roz, Lex. Why? Why did he leave me? Am I not enough? I gave everything to him and I tried to be the best girlfriend in the world. What have I done to make him leave me? Was it of my power? Yes, that’s what he said. He said that because of this power. He said that I was using this power to make him fall in love again. But he was wrong. You know that, don’t you? I am hurt Rox. I am hurt Lex. And I don’t know how to deal with this pain. I hope I could use my power but I can’t. How can’t I use my power to my own benefit? What a damn power. Sometimes, I was thinking if this power was a blessing or a curse. I don’t know anymore, I don’t know if I like this or not.”

My friends wished to help me and I could feel it. They both hugged me and promised to be there for the entire process of moving on.

“Hannah, I know how you feel and regardless of how we study people, their pains and the problems and how many solutions do we have, we cannot skip the process. We are not exempted to feel the pain even though we have knowledge on how to deal it.” Lexy explained.

“Yes friend, that’s right and regardless of how huge the pain was, we are always here for you no matter what. Remember, we are all compassionate; we are here to live the pain with you. We are always here for you.” Rox added.

Words could be very comforting at times. The pain was there but words from my friends were like Band-Aids, easing the pain I was currently experiencing. I apologized at once for ruining our celebration. Afterwards, we raised our glasses and tossed again.

I just forgot the pain for a while when Soju hit us and since it was already time, not safe for us to go home. Lexy prepared her room for the three of us. So, we continued the party until we were all drunk and even danced like it was the end of the world.

“Let’s party!” I shouted.