Simula

               Every day I am holding to fate, wishing  that someday everything will go back to its  rightful place and I don’t know that this day will be that day.

“ Shit, nasaan ba kasi iyon!?” frustrated kong sabi sa aking sarili matapos mapagod na mag-ikot dito sa grocery kakahanap sa pinapabiling condiments. Inis kong tinignan ang suot kong white heels at white dress dahil kanina pa ako pinagtitinginan ng mga tao. 

I looked like a frustrated bride-to-be.

Nakakainis naman kasi at kailangan ko pang dumaan dito sa grocery bago umuwi, gaano ba kaimportante ang bisita ni mama. “ You okay?” dinig kong may nagtanong sa aking gilid at sa tingin at patagong pagtawa pa lamang ng mga tao ay alam ko ng isang tukmol ang nagtanong niyan.

“ Nahanap mo!?” nakapamaywang kong tanong sa kanya bago ko suriin ang ayos niya sa oras na iyon.

He looks like my groom minus the annoying look. Parang tanga lang dahil sumama din siya dito kahit naiinitan siya sa suot niyang black suit. “ Yup, tara na’t magbayad bride, ” pabiro nitong turan bago kuhanin ang bitbit kong basket. I just want run out of this store at magkulong sa sasakyan ng makitang may mga kabataang hindi maitago ang kilig dahil sa suot naming dalawa.

Binagalan ko ang lakad ko at hinayaan si Stefan na magbayad sa counter. I boredly scanned the place and stilled when I noticed na magseven na pala ng gabi at kailangan ko ng umuwi.

Inis kong sinenyasan si Stefan na magmadali because he was busy flirting with the cashier.

“ Kaharot!” bungad ko dito at tinulungan siya sa pagbibitbit ng pinamili pero nagulat ako ng imbis na plastic ang ibigay niya ay malandi niyang pinulupot ang braso niya sa baywang ko.

“ The cashier said “ good luck on your honeymoon sir” and gave me a free condom, ” tumatawa niyang bulong and I cannot help but to burst out laughing while he’s handing me the strawberry flavor condom.

 "Ilugar mo nga iyang kalaswaan mo, nakakadiri ka. Tsaka, bakit mo tinanggap itong condom? Ew." maarte kong wika dito bago kurutin and kanyang braso. He just laughed and pinched my nose before driving. 

While he was busy driving, hindi ko maiwasang tignan ang dinadaanan namin and it feels great but there’s a little pain while seeing those familiar place. It looks the same pero alam ko naman na hindi na. The memory of the past still haunts me and there are things that I regret pero ano nga bang magagawa ko if that is what supposed to happen in the first place. May mga bagay na nawawala na gusto nating mabalik pero minsan naisip ko na may mga bagay  na nawala because it is for the better.

I automatically shifted my gaze away ng mapadaan kami sa tagong park ng aming bayan. That place for me is a secret and sacred place, and I don’t have the courage to simply look at it dahil baka kapag naalala ko manghina ako at maisip ang mga regrets ko sa buhay.

Those should remain in the past dahil baka umasa ako sa sinasabi nilang “ if you are truly fated for each other, you will always find each other” but that same fate is the reason why we didn’t make it in the first place.

“ Mukhang nagsenti tayo love ah!?” Stefan playfully said before wiping my fake tears and maneuvering his car. Doon ko lang napansin na nasa tapat na pala kami ng bahay.

“ Thank you, love, ” pabiro kong sabi dito bago ko kunin ang mga pinamili sa likod ng kanyang sasakyan. Saglit akong tumayo sa harap ng gate pero nagulat ako ng bumaba din siya sa sasakyan niya at yapusin ako. I felt the warm of his embrace and it makes me want to cry.

“ Kaya mo pa ba? You know, you can crash by at my place anytime right?Look at me, "

With a teary eyes I look at him and appreciate his kindness. 

" Wala kang kasalanan, got it? Just...just call me if something happens, okay? Hindi kita masasamahan sa loob dahil baka mas lalong magalit si tito but just call me, okay?” nag-aalala nitong sabi and I just stood there nodding my head  dahil kahit ako hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon galit padin sila mama at papa sa akin, sa amin.

It’s been 6 years since I lost the love that they think is perfect for me. Ako din naman, I feel like I lost something magmula ng maghiwalay kami but what can I do if it is something that is supposed to happen even? 

Tinignan ko ang papalayong bulto ni Stefan, he was my strength and the only person who believes in me after all these years, I am glad to have him as a friend. Nakangiti akong kumaway rito bago huminga ng malalim at pumasok sa aming bahay.

The fresh air from the garden brings peace to my mind. Ang hallway na siyang nagsisilbing gabay patungo sa maindoor ay sadyang nakakahumaling dahil sa mga iba’t ibang bulaklak na parang nakabitin sa paligid at sa itaas nito. Our landscaper really did a good job dahil napakaganda ng pwesto ng mga halaman. The arched hallway resembles those fantasy scenes in movies, iyong tipong kapag naglalakad ka dito para kang isang prinsesa na naliligaw sa kagubatan na puno ng pulang rosas. Dagdag pa ang maliit na fountain sa gilid na napapalibutan ng mga maliliit na elves na tila ba nagkakasiyahan. It feels like they are destined to be there.

Everything seems to fall in their rightful place, ako nga lang ata ang hindi paborito ng tadhana dahil everything that I assumed to be destined sa akin ay hindi naman nangyayari.

Natawa ako sa ganoong pagiisip at patuloy na naglakad papasok but while walking bigla akong nakaramdam ng kakaiba, pakiwari ko ba’y it is a destiny that I am walking here today and I was destined to wear this white dress. White was never my favorite color, dahil madali siyang magkastain and it is not match with my skin complexion but this time why does it feels like, I have made the right choice of wearing this white colored dress?

Fate, destiny, I was a firm believer, a fan of those concept pero isang pagkakamali sa buhay ang nagpatigil sa akin upang maniwala sa tadhanang iyan.

Awtomatiko akong napatigil sa paghakbang ng marinig ko ang pamilyar na tunog ng gitara mula sa aming sala. It was the same tune of love that I used to sing with. If I feel like I was fated to walk down here wearing this dress, am I fated to continue and see who plays that familiar music?

Pero If I have that fate, do I have the courage to do it this time?

Sa lamig palang ng boses ay pakiramdam ko nanghina na ako, I know deep in my heart who owns this voice. I never had a hard time choosing what to do, ngayon palang.  Am I fated to continue until I found who owns the voice or do I need to make a u-turn and ignore everything for the second time around? I wish those flowers can talk to me and help me right now, or should I just call Stefan?

Halos walong hakbang nalang ang gagawin ko pero heto ako’t mukhang ayaw nang lumakad ng sariling paa. I was about to make a turn dahil pakiramdam ko hindi pa ako handa, hindi pa pala ako ganoon kahanda. So Iet myself to just stand there in the middle of the arched red roses while wearing a white dress frustrated to a simple action. Itinadhana ba akong humakbang o tulad dati itinadhana akong tumalikod sa lahat? Pero baliw na yata ako talaga dahil awtomatiko akong napahakbang ng marinig ang paborito kong parte ng kanta. 

We used to change the lyrics from this time sa to this fate sa chorus ng kanta. He was a believer in fate and I was too but our relationship made me not to believe it anymore,because if we are really fated for each other, gaya ng sinasabi niya, why the same fate paved a way to ruin our happiest life? Why does the same fate makes us experience pain and let us suffer? 

Finally, with all the remaining strength that I have, I walked down the hall and see him sitting on our porch kasama si daddy. He was singing his heart out at alam kong hindi niya ako mapapansin because when he does this, his eyes were closed to feel the soul of the song kaya may lakas na loob akong panoorin siya habang tumutugtog.

The song and him singing make me want to go and kneel to whoever controls the fate and ask if I can just have him back again, if can I just redo everything for him.

I was busy watching him and remembering us when he suddenly opened his eyes and turn his gaze on me. I don’t know if I’m just feeling things but his eyes replicate the shadow of my soul, na para bang through the hymn of this background song, we feel each other’s long-lost love.

Fate, is this fate? Am I fated to see him today, lagi nalang akong umaasa sa tadhana pagdating sa kanya. This time will fate agree on us or will it disappoint us once again? But then I remember my poor self begging fate that day but our fate betrayed us, in our happiest moment it chose to destroy us and ripped us into pieces.

I smiled when my father applauds him for his music and give him a high five. It was just like before, ang pinagkaiba lang dati I was there singing with him and pouring our love for each other habang ngayon I was here, standing alone, watching him move on his life while I am stuck here asking the mighty fate and reminiscing our memories.

If this time, fate is listening to me, I wish it grants me just one last wish, I wish my man would be happy, even if he’s not fated to be happy with me...