4. If I Die

"I just want to die for one day and see who really cares."

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I woke up with a start. I opened my eyes and everything around me was dark. From where I lay I saw people running to my right direction frantically. Red lights flashed everywhere. Red lights of a police car. Sirens blared at the same time. Ambulance sirens.

Ambulance.

Hospital.

Death.

Someone had died.

I picked up my body from the ground. My body felt as light as a feather but I didn't feel light headed. The crowd awaited me at a distance. From were I stood, I watched as people whispered to their relatives. I walked towards them.

"Is she dead?" One asked the other. "I think so. She isn't moving." Replied the companion.

"Who died?" I asked out of curiosity but no one replied to me. So I made my way into the heart of the crowd by pushing the people away. Pushing them happened to be a rather easy job. It felt like I barely touched them.

When I saw what lay on the ground, my blood went cold. Or at least if I had any blood left. The hairs in the back of my neck stood up.

Before me lay the very thing I had been dreading.

My own. Cold. Corpse.

Fear started to creep it's way inside me.

What the hell was going on? What happened? Why am I here and there at the same time? Am I dead?

The very thought of being dead brought back thousands of memories.

No. No. No. This couldn't be. This couldn't be happening. I was fine just a minute ago. This was so unfair!

I still had a whole life left ahead of me. And Heathens... my Heathens. I was supposed to see them today! It was my only chance. No. No. No!!

Tears started gushing out of my eyes. What the hell just happened?

I tried to pull them back but it was no use. My cold cheeks were aready stained. A medic jumped out of the ambulance and knelt down towards my body, checking my pulse. A while later, he shook his head towards the policeman, signaling that I'm long gone.

More tears followed. The police man knelt down too, searching through my pockets before he found my phone. I watched from behind him as he scrolled through my now useless phone. He clicked CONTACTS, scrolled downwards before stopping at 'M' and pressed a number- mom.

Mom! Oh my god Mom! She must be so sad I ran away! Why the hell did I do that? I should have just spent the night with her then bringing myself a fate such as this!

What did I do? How am I suppossed to concole myself after what I have done to her? She will need comfort now. She will need someone to be there for her. I got to go. I-

And without a second thought, I sped my way towards home in flash speed. I'm faster than usual, almost as if I'm flying. I sped my way like a ghost. Of course. That's what I am now. A ghost.

The air slapped my cheeks with no warmth or coolness at all. The air felt cold and stingy. I, however, sped my way towards home. Towards mom.

The living room was the way I left it. And so were the inhabitants. Sera and Chris had resumed playing video games like they were before I interuppted them. Mom sat on the couch, doing noting.

Mom, Sera and Chris. How much I missed them already.

The phone rang and mom picked it up. My heart started beating quickly. If only it was my heart. She picked it up as casually as she always did.

"Hello?" She greeted. She released a sigh of boredom and said, "Cilia, what is it that you want?"

She was so casual.

Suddenly, her body went tense, perspiration beading in her forehead. "P- police? What is it? Has my Cilia complained to you about me?"

Mom? What could I ever complain about you?

A while later, her body relaxed. She muttered an 'Oh' three times and then hung up.

What the hell?

Mom sat there all relaxed as if nothing just happened. As if she didn't just receive the news of her daughter's death. And a minute later, she did the most rediculous thing ever.

She started smoking.

Smoking? My mom doesn't smoke? Who the hell was she?

Seemed like there were so many things I never knew about my own family.

Mom called out to Sera and Chris as if she was merely discussing the weather. "Hey Sera, Chris! The police just called. Said something about Cilia having an accident and then dying."

She said it all so casually as if she was just reporting the daily news and not the fact that her own blood daughter just passed away. My siblings, however, had a completely different reaction.

"WHAT? SHE'S DEAD? LIKE REALLY DEAD? AND YOU ARE SAYING IT IN A WAY AS IF IT DOESN'T MATTER?" Sera almost screamed, her eyes wide like balls.

Mom just itched her ears and said, "Hey! You can sit and cry if you want. You are free to do that. That Cilia girl was a head ache to me. Never could I feel free around her. I had to hide the fact about taking drugs in front of her. Now there's no one. I'm free to do as I like. She's gone for good. Or I would have hired some thugs to finish her off myself. And you punks! Don't you dare utter a word out or I swear I will disown you. Got it?"

Sera and Chris slowly nodded. "Got it."

Cowards.

Mom sighed and continued. "We have to get the body tomorrow and prepare the funeral. Will be a tiring day. Until then, I'm going to get some cocain in my system." With that, she retired for her room.

Tears started gushing out like a leaking tank, ready to burst. And so it did.

How could she? Was she even my mother? Did she even ever love me? Taking drugs, cigars. Was she crazy? Of course she was.

I loved her, cared for her, but she only used it to gain my trust. She feigned her illness to show that the drugs she was taking were not actually drugs but medicine. And like a fool I believed her.

She never loved me. Not even once.

Blood boiling and water tank already busted, I sped my way like flash himself. I kept running and running until my legs could give away.

But they never gave away. Ghost, Remember?

So I kept going in light speed until I finally told my dead brain to stop. I sat on a window sill of a building, high up where no one could find me, the wind my only company. And that's when I finally lost myself. I finally lost myself to the wind.

My own blood mother treated the news of my death as if it was so usual and casual like milk being delivered to you in your house every morning.

Was she ever even my mother? Did she even love me? Was I ever loved in my whole life?

Anger erupted in me like molten magma from a volcano. I felt the anger I had never felt in all the times I had been angry. The anger of a lonely lost spirit. And that was when the realization hit me.

I don't care.

Tears streamed out of my eyes nonstop. They rolled out as if there was no end to it.

Why was I still here? Why was I a lost spirit? If I was dead, then why weren't the Deity's just taking me away? Why keep me here?

It took me a while before I realized that the answer was slapping me right in the face. For at that very moment, there were sounds heard. Sounds of footsteps. Someone ran into the room and then stopped, saying, "Bro look. Something happened in Minnesota."

The voice was so familiar. It was like I heard it somewhere so many times before but couldn't really place it. I tried to hear it again but no sound comes. They must be reading the news. A while later, the chattering started again. This time, there was another familier voice. A voice that was like sweet honey to my tongue.

It couldn't be! It couldn't be him!

I passed through the window like a poltergeist and entered the room. I froze in place as I saw the sight in front of me. Before me sat the seven dream boys of every girls dreams.

Heathens.

For the first time in my life, a miracle took place, even if that meant for me to die. For the first time, I was happy I died. I lost things but gained something more important and precious.

But firstly, where was I? What was this place?

I took a few steps outside and saw where I had come. Astonishment made me freeze.

I was in LA.

Not just in LA, but in Rock Records Headquarters.

How the hell did I get here? I must have sped my way while trying to calm my dead heart.

I turned to look at my source of happiness. I was finally happy to die.

But death wasn't so merciful. Death wouldn't give me such a gift without a price. Was this why they made me a lost soul? So that they could make me Lucifer's Darling once they called me? Was this the price I had to pay if I took this miracle? But I already took the miracle.

"We were just in Minnesota. They say she was seen wearing a Heathens T- shirt. You guys d-don't think she was an fan, do you?" Noah asked. No one replied for a while.

"She was, bro. The news tells she was headed to our concert when she was run over by a-" Heli was unable to finish his sentence as silent tears rolled down his eyes, his head bowed in shame. A second later, he picked his head up and said, "She must have been in a hurry."

No one talked after that. A long silence fell as I took slow steps forward into the room. A sniff was heard, but I don't know who it was.

Who could it be? Crying over someone you never knew?

Victor raised his head and said, "She was an fan." They all nodded. Victor, however continued. "Not even once did we want to visit Minnesota This must have been her only chance. She must have wanted to see us so badly. And now, she ended up like this."

More tears streamed down his eyes as he buried his head. I don't know when it started, but I realized I was crying too. My heart broke to see them cry over my death.

Why? You never knew me. Seems like they know their fans more better than we fans think we know them.

Jimim picked his head up, tears already staining his cheeks. "She's dead because of us. She's dead today because WE didn't care enough for some of our fans. At first that Indonesian girl, then the girl from New York. And now her. This girl, this Cilia girl, this might have been her last chance to see us. There's no saying if she ever got to visit our tours. And how many more of them have to die, before we finally make up to them all?" With that, more tears gushed out of his eyes.

I remembered those girls. They died the same way I did. They wanted to see Heathens. The Indonesian was biased with Noah, while the New York one was with Jake. They were from rich families because of which their deaths where worldwide famous. There were a lot of controversies about it too. People blamed Heathens for being responsible for their deaths. But fans fought back. I'm sure the dead girls would have wanted that too.

More tears rolled down my cheeks at Jules's words.

Why Jules? Why? Why would you ever think like that? You guys were going to be the last person I put the blame on.

My thoughts were stolen by Justin as he said, "Jules why? Why would you think it's your fault? Must you always take responsibility of everything?"

Jules cried even harder, making my heart clench. Please don't cry, Jules, Please.

My broken heart started rotting as tears fell continuously. I watched as Jules took all the blame.

Don't cry, Jules. Please. I will never be able to forgive myself.

I walked forward until I was standing beside him. I tried to take hold of his shoulder, but my hand just brushed off him like thin air.

Startled at the fact that people couldn't feel me anymore, I started taking steps backwards , so many that I didn't realize that was falling out of the window.

But I didn't fall. Instead, I floated in thin air. Of course. I'm unnatural.

All this time, I kept wondering why the Deity's didn't take me when I died. The answer was in front of me all along. They never meant to show me Heathens. Not at least when I was alive.

Fate. My fate was to see them all I want after I died. Not just the way they showed themelves to their fans, but the way they are within themselves to know them, to feel them inside out.

But the only disadvantage was, they would never see me. They would never feel for me like an fan anymore, rather a ghost.

And if seeing Heathens for the rest of my eternity meant becoming Lucifer's darling at the end, so be it. That would be the least I could do for them.

Those people who knew me, never really loved me. Heathens loved me, even if I am just one of the many fans of their enormous crowd.

Mom was wrong. Heathens dio love me. I was just never there to see it. And that was why I was going to stick with them, never leaving them alone, not until they would stop needing their Devils.

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