Why did this happen to us? right when I thought everything was finally going to be okay?
Who is the one to blame?
Is it us? Is it life?
Can we blame it on life? Or was this entirely our own doing?
But why us? And why you?
The unanswered questions don’t linger for long, they fade away slowly into oblivion as if they never existed, and that scares me because they leave void and emptiness behind.
The questions were painful, true, but I want them back, this void is much worse, it doesn’t cause me any pain, just numbness, random nihilism, nothing!
I lift my heavy head and search the room I am in with my eyes, everything around me is either black or grey, I feel like I know this place but don’t know it in the same time, it is familiar in a way but completely new in another, I try to pinpoint the change that made me feel this way about this place, but I can’t, it feels as if I am looking at it with new eyes.
I hear something in the back, it is noisy and disturbing but I can’t figure it out, maybe because I can’t focus on anything while these stings ravage my skin, like micro electric shocks erupting all over my body, making me shiver.
Cold!
As if my body’s reaction was waiting for my mind’s confirmation, I start shivering, my body feels so heavy and numb, but once the voices I heard earlier get louder, a new sensation settles in my heart, and then my entire being is being swept away with it, like how would a wave sweep over a small paper boat!
Fear!
I am scared, terrified, my throat tightened and I hear a terrified noise, a gasp? It is followed by many more; the way my throat hurts tells me that these frightened gasps are coming out of me.
Why am I this scared? And from what? I don’t really know!
I just know, by the reaction of my body, by how my insides steer and how I crawl back until I fall down from something, by the way I ignore the pain in my behind and keep crawling backwards until my back hits something hard, and by the way I hug my knees protectively and shiver as I stare at the approaching figures through foggy eyes, that I am going to be harmed. Badly!
My throat gets tighter and sourer, probably because I am gasping uncontrollably, it is getting more painful with each passing second, my hearts is beating so fast and my lungs are burning with need for breathable air, no one is touching me but I swear I feel millions of slippery hands crawling up my body, the scary part is that I can’t see them, only feel them, they make me nauseous and disgusted, my stomach is about to burst out of my mouth with how sick and scared I am!
And cold!
My body remembers the cold and again it is all I can focus on, I hug my body tighter, shivering like dry leaf facing the winds of September, the stings are becoming more and more painful by the second until suddenly, something is placed on my back, something soft and warm.
A blanket? I ask myself with the little clarity granted to me by the warmth I was wrapped in, I am not sure what it is, but I am grateful for it, for only now I managed to realize that I am naked to my bare skin.
And I am naked because all of my clothes are scattered around the room, some on the bed, I don’t know if they are still wearable or not, and I don’t care, I just don’t want to be exposed to the eyes, I want to hide!
‘You are worthless’ the faint disgusted voice makes me more aware with my nudity, and I shiver more even when I no longer feel the stings of cold, I bury my head between my arms, hoping that once I close my eyes, the darkness would swallow me whole.
But it doesn’t, and instead of disappearing, something grabs my shoulder and I jerk off, jolting away from the mass in front of me and screaming at the top of my lungs!
I don’t want to be touched, I am too disgusted with myself, with everything and everyone.
I try to crawl away but I am stopped by the same thing that stopped me earlier, a wall? I am trapped! I realize with a panic filled heart, not having any other way to resort, I look at the person grabbing my shoulder.
A woman, dressed in blue, crouching right in front of me, she had a concerned expression on her face as she kept on asking me questions, many questions to which I had no answer.
I have no answers, I don’t want to answer, not now, not while I am like this.
All I want to do is cry, alone.
The woman in blue is telling me to calm down and not cry, but I don’t listen to her, I need to cry, I need to let those sobs out, otherwise, they might suffocate me, for real.
Let me cry, I hear myself sob louder, and again, I hear her voice telling me it is okay.
It is not okay.
Nothing in this goddamned life of mine…is okay…
“You are going to be safe; we have captured him; he will be punished”
I look at the woman in the eyes for the first time, perplexed, what is she talking about now?
Safe from what exactly?
Captured who?
I follow her line of sight and my eyes widen in shock and horror.
He was right there, lying flat on his stomach with his face pressed on the wooden floor, he was no longer naked and instead had sweat pants on, his hands were forced behind his back by a man in blue while another stood in front of him, with a gun in his hand, they were telling him to stop struggling and cooperate.
He wasn’t listening though, he was looking at me with those green eyes of his, his lips were moving quickly, but I couldn’t hear him, not even when he was merely few feet away, all I could focus on was his intense gaze.
His eyes, they were urging me for something.
What?
What do you want from me?
I start to gasp and the woman comes closer, standing as between me and him, I can no longer see him and I hear her telling the others to take him away, and they obeyed.
Why?
Why can I hear everything else except his voice?
I sob louder.
I need to say it.
I need to talk.
but nothing comes out and before I knew it, he was gone.
Where am I? I ask myself as I open my eyes in this strange…room, if I may call it that!A tomb would be a more befitting word thanks to these black walls, but unlike a tomb, this place is neither tight nor suffocating, it is quite spacious actually, the only flaw in it, besides the strange choice of color, is the roof, it is not only black but also low, lower than average that is, not to the point where I can’t stand tall on my feet though, it just feels closer I guess.The ground under me is black as well, as if made of perfectly sculpted obsidian, it is neither cold nor hot, and surprisingly not hard on my body, it feels as if I am laying on a mattress instead, not the fanciest but one which is decent enough to not give me sore muscles, what catches my attention though are the small little pattern engraved on the floor, they are beautiful, small, and unique, but above all, familiar, I don’t really recall where I have seen them before, nevertheless, they are really beautiful and I li
“Calm down, Natalia! Focus on my voice!” I look at the doctor who came to stand in front of me, her blue eyes staring at me with concern, and in her glasses, I see the reflection of another woman!Scooting away from her, I back away using my hands until my back hits the wall, it is not the doctor who made me this scared though, it is the reflection I saw on her glasses, and the realization that came with it.That woman! With the black messy hair and a dead pale face was me! I was looking at myself and yet I didn’t recognize me! Seeing my state, the doctor returns to her earlier spot next to me and starts patting my back again, I want to thank her, to tell her how much I am grateful for this small gesture of hers, and that I don’t want to be left alone in this state I am in, but I don’t, I can’t, and I am in no state to care about my good manners while surrounded with these questions and ambiguity.“It is okay, Natalia, you are safe now!” it is not okay! How can she say that it is okay
I place my hand on my knee, trying to force that annoying tremble to subside, it looks as if I am trying to dig a hole in the closed courtroom’s floor and I doubt anyone would be happy if I ruined the expensive-looking tiles.I try and take deep breaths, hoping it might calm me down but it is of no use whatsoever, I feel like I am about to faint, these last few days have been nothing but a tormenting vortex of questions and revelations that only lead to more questions.Seeing my uneasiness, Maisie, the nice doctor takes my hand in hers and offers me an encouraging smile which barely provides me with any encouragement, I return it nevertheless, out of gratitude toward her kindness and for being here for me today.Out of all the people in this city, Maisie happened to be my best friend and my ex-roommate, we even worked together in the same hospital, only that I was a nurse, it explains how good she has been treating me so far, she knows me better than anyone else, and therefore answered
“Shall we continue?” the representative asks once I am back with Maisie and Emma to the room, I feel a little better now after the little stroll we have taken in the court's park, the air wasn't exactly fresh but it helped me relax a little ad gather my thoughts, I am not as panicked and shocked as I was when I heard what Dr. Jones said earlier, not as bad at least.Taking my seat, I nod at the representative and my senior, telling them that i am feeling better and ready to continue this hearing. However, I avoid looking at that Williams' guy at all costs, I feel his eyes on me though, his lawyers are talking among themselves in a very serious manner while he is just sitting quietly as if this matter doesn’t concern him , all he does is look at me with undecipherable eyes and I refuse to look back at him, I need to keep it together for the rest of this hearing, I need to know what happened to me and I need to figure out my next move once I do.Seeing that I was feeling better, Dr. Jone
Fuck, why can’t I stop these tears?I try to wipe them away but they keep on falling like waterfalls, I try to calm down, take few breaths, squeeze all the tears out, but nothing seems to work.I give up on my attempts and look at that Williams guy with an angry face, drenched with tears and snot, yeah I really don't care right now, I am not bothered with my looks, I am bothered with the way he is looking at me! why in the hell is he looking at me like that? With those sad and pitiful eyes of his, I don’t want his pity, I want to know what he did to me.“We are still waiting for your answer, Mr. Williams, if you haven’t done anything to her, then why did she end up like this? And why did we find her in that state at your house?” Emma asked with a raised brow, a defiant look on her face, at first I am happy with her aggressive tone, it is so satisfying for my ears, however, I can't help but notice the way they are looking at each other, I don't know why but I feel like this isn't the fi
I stare at my surroundings with a ghost of a smile, a weird warmness taking over my heart, it is faint but it is here, the feeling of Déjà vu, of knowing this place.to be honest, I don’t know if it is some blocked memories trying to resurface or just the preexisting knowledge that this is where I used to live with Maisie before moving to the Williams’ residence, whatever it is, it fills me with a strange… familiarity!I take a deep breath and walk further inside the apartment, Maisie trailing behind me, I am so happy she invited me back here, from what I understood, I moved out six months ago to live in the Williams house and be a twenty-four hours caretaker, my job was to take care of his father, who suffered from a cerebrovascular accident that left him paralyzed, the man was no longer able to move the right half of his body.According to Maisie, the offer was really tempting, the payment was three times the amount I made in the hospital, the job was very easy as I only had one pat
“This…” Maisie doesn’t finish her words, and I am grateful for that, I am already embarrassed enough as I am without anyone addressing it.“I will go get us more coffee…” she says while picking up the empty mugs, I just nod, still looking at my broken phone's screen and the thousands of messages I shared with my potential rapist. Just what the hell is this?I scroll up and down in the conversation, between me and the so-called Nathaniel Williams, unable to believe my own eyes.At first, they were all normal texts, work-related and professional, the very first ones were discussing some of the contract conditions, and I see that I have signed with him for two years. Now that was promising.“You are late.”“Impressive job with Father”“You are late.”“He is getting better with your care.”“You are late.”“We have many spare rooms that can save us all the tardiness, Miss Kings.”These were all messages I have received from him, and call me paranoid but I’ve noticed this weird pattern, like
“What could it be?” I ask, my eyes burning with all the tears, I hate the fact I am crying like a baby all the time but it is too much to take.Every day, every single day since I woke up not knowing who I am, is but another labyrinth where I have to run and run trying to answer my questions but I only end up with more.I feel like I am falling inside this endless pit, just falling and falling, neither saved nor crushed to the ground, I am stuck midair with nothing but fear.I am devastated, mostly because without my memories, I feel naked to the eyes, without anything covering me, it feels as if my memories were a shield that I used to hide my thoughts and myself, but without it, my mind was bare.Call me ungrateful but I don’t like the fact that what used to be my secrets were no longer that secret, I don’t remember the reason why I hid secrets about myself from my best friend and the people who knew me, there must have been a reason though, and I am bothered by the fact that I don’t