Where am I? I ask myself as I open my eyes in this strange…room, if I may call it that!
A tomb would be a more befitting word thanks to these black walls, but unlike a tomb, this place is neither tight nor suffocating, it is quite spacious actually, the only flaw in it, besides the strange choice of color, is the roof, it is not only black but also low, lower than average that is, not to the point where I can’t stand tall on my feet though, it just feels closer I guess.
The ground under me is black as well, as if made of perfectly sculpted obsidian, it is neither cold nor hot, and surprisingly not hard on my body, it feels as if I am laying on a mattress instead, not the fanciest but one which is decent enough to not give me sore muscles, what catches my attention though are the small little pattern engraved on the floor, they are beautiful, small, and unique, but above all, familiar, I don’t really recall where I have seen them before, nevertheless, they are really beautiful and I like them.
Unable to resist, I trace them with my finger, they are not sharp but definitely prominent and rough on the touch, what are these things? And how come I didn’t feel any discomfort lying on top of them? The roughness is only there when I try to deliberately touch them, why?
Standing up, I walk all around the room, my body feels abnormally light, and even though my feet are planted on the ground, I feel like I am floating, it is not an uncomfortable feeling though, I actually feel free and unrestrained, this place just feels as if it has less gravity, is that even possible? Either way, walking was never this much fun, I almost giggle with each step if it wasn’t for that one annoying question.
Where am I? and how did I get here?
The room is empty of everything but myself, the roof is indeed close, I could even touch it if I stretched my arm, and just like the ground, it is covered with those unique patterns, some are circular, others linear, and there are ones that look like a child’s sketches.
As I trace what looks like a poorly crafted flower, I guess, I feel a certain joy wash over me, one that is so light and innocent and makes me smile, it is weird how some patterns make me feel uncomfortable while others do the opposite, I don’t dwell too much about it though, for I am still curious about finding out where I am.
The room is empty, it is just me and the walls, another strange thing is the fact that I am able to see perfectly without any source of light, there are no light bulbs, no windows, no openings, nothing! but I am still able to see everything, and by that I mean the walls and patterns since there isn’t really anything else.
This place gets weirder and weirder each second, I tell myself as my confusion grows by each passing second, and I somehow start to feel uncomfortable with all the questions and strangeness, I don’t feel threatened though, I actually feel safe in this weird place, and I don’t have the urgency to leave it!
As I turn around, I spot a door on the wall which was behind me, strange, for I can swear that it wasn’t there two seconds ago, what surprises me though isn’t the door as much as it is the voices coming from it, they are faint at first, muffled and distant, but the closer I walk towards it, the louder they get.
I have a bad feeling about these voices, like a hunch, telling me it is better to stay away from them, my curiosity gets the best of me however and I keep on walking until I am in front of the door, seriously though, how did I miss it the first time? It is right in the middle of the wall, shaking my head, I extend my hand to hold the knob, only to stop midway.
I look at my hand hanging in the air, only a few inches away from the knob, shaking uncontrollably, for I feel this sudden painful coldness creeping up my arm, and the once muffled voices are now clearer, I recognize the screams, the cries for help, the begging, the groans, and the terrifying growls of threat…
Terrified, I look down from my shaking arm to the knob and immediately pull my hand back, disgusted by the rust and the...blood? Why is there blood on the knob, I take a couple of steps back, the further I get the less cold and scared I feel and thus I keep on retreating until I am in the furthest corner from the door, I stare at it with terrified eyes while letting the safety I felt earlier wash over me again.
Earlier, I wanted to know what was behind that door, but now I don’t, I know it is something harmful and scary.
No, no! I’d rather stay in this corner, it is not cold, it is not scary, and I feel safe surrounded by the beautiful patterns that begin to fade away, the roughness is gone, and I lay down back on the ground and close my eyes.
I am safe here, so I better stay here!
“So?”
I heard someone whispers near me, and I am a bit annoyed for I want to sleep a bit more, my head feels like it is about to split in two, especially with this annoying beeping in the back.
“Well, we can’t say for sure.” How about you don’t say at all and let me sleep for God’s sake! I want to wake up and tell these two to take their discussion away from me, but I can’t, I am too tired and sleepy, and my tongue, just like my eyelids, is too heavy to move and protest!
Just great!
“What do you mean?”, The first voice says again, and I can’t help but find it a little, familiar? The thing is, I don’t feel like I have heard it before, it just kind of reminds me of something!
Which thing? No idea!
“Since she came here in a hysteric state, we had to give her a valium injection to calm her down, otherwise, she might have harmed herself…” The other voice replied, in a really, really low voice, now that I think about it, these two, women judging by their voices, are talking funnily, as if they are discussing something they shouldn’t! I want to ask them why, and who is this “Her” they keep on mentioning but I can’t, I no longer feel that sleepy, but my tongue and eyelids are still so heavy!
“So, I understand she didn’t give away any valuable information, did she?”
“No.” the second woman sighed, “Her body didn’t tell us much either, not about this incident at least.”
“Tsk, I thought we got him this time!” Got who? And why does she sound so frustrated?!
“The Williams’ lawyers are in the department already, and they are not going to make things easy for her, or us.”, I don’t know why but once I heard that name a shiver ran down my spine, I suddenly feel destabilized and agitated, my heart is beating so fast and my breathing is no longer rhythmic but hitched and painful, so painful!
I want air! I need air! but something was blocking it from entering my body, I feel myself gasping and the beeping gets louder and louder and then a blinding light hits me.
“Natalia, calm down, you are alright, you are safe…”
Someone says while I am trying to adjust my eyes to the burning light, once it is comfortable enough, I look at the person sitting next to me, as I expected it is a woman, smiling warmly in my direction, what I notice though, beside her red hair and blue eyes, is her white coat, is she a…what is that word…doctor? she is patting my back and I somehow like the soothing effect it has on my shivering body.
“Finally, you are awake Natalia…” I looked at the other woman, she is wearing some kind of a blue uniform, with a small black box on her shoulder, I know what she is, a…protection…protect…politics…Policewoman! This one is a policewoman, but who is this Natalia they both keep on mentioning?
There are only the three of us inside this room, and they don’t look like they are addressing each other!
But that means…
“Is everything okay, Natalia?” why is she looking at me while saying that name? it confuses me, I don’t know who is this Natalia, I try to correct her but then a wave of utter panic takes over me as the realization sinks in!
Oh God!
I have no idea who I am!
“Calm down, Natalia! Focus on my voice!” I look at the doctor who came to stand in front of me, her blue eyes staring at me with concern, and in her glasses, I see the reflection of another woman!Scooting away from her, I back away using my hands until my back hits the wall, it is not the doctor who made me this scared though, it is the reflection I saw on her glasses, and the realization that came with it.That woman! With the black messy hair and a dead pale face was me! I was looking at myself and yet I didn’t recognize me! Seeing my state, the doctor returns to her earlier spot next to me and starts patting my back again, I want to thank her, to tell her how much I am grateful for this small gesture of hers, and that I don’t want to be left alone in this state I am in, but I don’t, I can’t, and I am in no state to care about my good manners while surrounded with these questions and ambiguity.“It is okay, Natalia, you are safe now!” it is not okay! How can she say that it is okay
I place my hand on my knee, trying to force that annoying tremble to subside, it looks as if I am trying to dig a hole in the closed courtroom’s floor and I doubt anyone would be happy if I ruined the expensive-looking tiles.I try and take deep breaths, hoping it might calm me down but it is of no use whatsoever, I feel like I am about to faint, these last few days have been nothing but a tormenting vortex of questions and revelations that only lead to more questions.Seeing my uneasiness, Maisie, the nice doctor takes my hand in hers and offers me an encouraging smile which barely provides me with any encouragement, I return it nevertheless, out of gratitude toward her kindness and for being here for me today.Out of all the people in this city, Maisie happened to be my best friend and my ex-roommate, we even worked together in the same hospital, only that I was a nurse, it explains how good she has been treating me so far, she knows me better than anyone else, and therefore answered
“Shall we continue?” the representative asks once I am back with Maisie and Emma to the room, I feel a little better now after the little stroll we have taken in the court's park, the air wasn't exactly fresh but it helped me relax a little ad gather my thoughts, I am not as panicked and shocked as I was when I heard what Dr. Jones said earlier, not as bad at least.Taking my seat, I nod at the representative and my senior, telling them that i am feeling better and ready to continue this hearing. However, I avoid looking at that Williams' guy at all costs, I feel his eyes on me though, his lawyers are talking among themselves in a very serious manner while he is just sitting quietly as if this matter doesn’t concern him , all he does is look at me with undecipherable eyes and I refuse to look back at him, I need to keep it together for the rest of this hearing, I need to know what happened to me and I need to figure out my next move once I do.Seeing that I was feeling better, Dr. Jone
Fuck, why can’t I stop these tears?I try to wipe them away but they keep on falling like waterfalls, I try to calm down, take few breaths, squeeze all the tears out, but nothing seems to work.I give up on my attempts and look at that Williams guy with an angry face, drenched with tears and snot, yeah I really don't care right now, I am not bothered with my looks, I am bothered with the way he is looking at me! why in the hell is he looking at me like that? With those sad and pitiful eyes of his, I don’t want his pity, I want to know what he did to me.“We are still waiting for your answer, Mr. Williams, if you haven’t done anything to her, then why did she end up like this? And why did we find her in that state at your house?” Emma asked with a raised brow, a defiant look on her face, at first I am happy with her aggressive tone, it is so satisfying for my ears, however, I can't help but notice the way they are looking at each other, I don't know why but I feel like this isn't the fi
I stare at my surroundings with a ghost of a smile, a weird warmness taking over my heart, it is faint but it is here, the feeling of Déjà vu, of knowing this place.to be honest, I don’t know if it is some blocked memories trying to resurface or just the preexisting knowledge that this is where I used to live with Maisie before moving to the Williams’ residence, whatever it is, it fills me with a strange… familiarity!I take a deep breath and walk further inside the apartment, Maisie trailing behind me, I am so happy she invited me back here, from what I understood, I moved out six months ago to live in the Williams house and be a twenty-four hours caretaker, my job was to take care of his father, who suffered from a cerebrovascular accident that left him paralyzed, the man was no longer able to move the right half of his body.According to Maisie, the offer was really tempting, the payment was three times the amount I made in the hospital, the job was very easy as I only had one pat
“This…” Maisie doesn’t finish her words, and I am grateful for that, I am already embarrassed enough as I am without anyone addressing it.“I will go get us more coffee…” she says while picking up the empty mugs, I just nod, still looking at my broken phone's screen and the thousands of messages I shared with my potential rapist. Just what the hell is this?I scroll up and down in the conversation, between me and the so-called Nathaniel Williams, unable to believe my own eyes.At first, they were all normal texts, work-related and professional, the very first ones were discussing some of the contract conditions, and I see that I have signed with him for two years. Now that was promising.“You are late.”“Impressive job with Father”“You are late.”“He is getting better with your care.”“You are late.”“We have many spare rooms that can save us all the tardiness, Miss Kings.”These were all messages I have received from him, and call me paranoid but I’ve noticed this weird pattern, like
“What could it be?” I ask, my eyes burning with all the tears, I hate the fact I am crying like a baby all the time but it is too much to take.Every day, every single day since I woke up not knowing who I am, is but another labyrinth where I have to run and run trying to answer my questions but I only end up with more.I feel like I am falling inside this endless pit, just falling and falling, neither saved nor crushed to the ground, I am stuck midair with nothing but fear.I am devastated, mostly because without my memories, I feel naked to the eyes, without anything covering me, it feels as if my memories were a shield that I used to hide my thoughts and myself, but without it, my mind was bare.Call me ungrateful but I don’t like the fact that what used to be my secrets were no longer that secret, I don’t remember the reason why I hid secrets about myself from my best friend and the people who knew me, there must have been a reason though, and I am bothered by the fact that I don’t
Hey…A damn ‘hey’…How stupid and irrational does one need to be to send their potential rapist a ‘hey’…A lot, apparently, besides the total absence to any sign of common sense in their brains, I wonder if I can blame that on my amnesia, I am not sure but maybe they are related.I hope they are related because I really don’t want to think of myself as a complete and utter dumdum.I stare at my stupid hey as it sat there on the conversation field and I cursed myself, what the hell was I doing? I throw my phone angrily at the bed as if it a lump of burning coal, and after looking at it for a second, I flip it on the other side, I don’t want to see that damn hey, mocking me.I shake my head and stand up, I feel too hot and embarrassed, even though there is no one in the room with me, I just feel as if I am surrounded by many judging eyes, I have been feeling like this a lot lately, under everyone’s careful watch, as if I am a ticking bomb that might explode if they took their eyes off me