“What could it be?” I ask, my eyes burning with all the tears, I hate the fact I am crying like a baby all the time but it is too much to take.Every day, every single day since I woke up not knowing who I am, is but another labyrinth where I have to run and run trying to answer my questions but I only end up with more.I feel like I am falling inside this endless pit, just falling and falling, neither saved nor crushed to the ground, I am stuck midair with nothing but fear.I am devastated, mostly because without my memories, I feel naked to the eyes, without anything covering me, it feels as if my memories were a shield that I used to hide my thoughts and myself, but without it, my mind was bare.Call me ungrateful but I don’t like the fact that what used to be my secrets were no longer that secret, I don’t remember the reason why I hid secrets about myself from my best friend and the people who knew me, there must have been a reason though, and I am bothered by the fact that I don’t
Hey…A damn ‘hey’…How stupid and irrational does one need to be to send their potential rapist a ‘hey’…A lot, apparently, besides the total absence to any sign of common sense in their brains, I wonder if I can blame that on my amnesia, I am not sure but maybe they are related.I hope they are related because I really don’t want to think of myself as a complete and utter dumdum.I stare at my stupid hey as it sat there on the conversation field and I cursed myself, what the hell was I doing? I throw my phone angrily at the bed as if it a lump of burning coal, and after looking at it for a second, I flip it on the other side, I don’t want to see that damn hey, mocking me.I shake my head and stand up, I feel too hot and embarrassed, even though there is no one in the room with me, I just feel as if I am surrounded by many judging eyes, I have been feeling like this a lot lately, under everyone’s careful watch, as if I am a ticking bomb that might explode if they took their eyes off me
“Hello?”Holy shit, I hang up once I hear his voice across the phone and throw the damn device back on the bed, Just what the hell? I find myself hyperventilating again, not out of fear though.Fuck, why am I feeling like a teenage girl calling her popular crush? I curse myself with every single bad word I know, and funnily I remember a lot, it surprises me for I am told I was a nurse, not a sailor.I run both hands in my hair, which needs an urgent cleaning, before intertwining my fingers on top of my head, I tell myself to live up to my decisions, that I am an adult and need to start acting so, I look at the phone as it is a poisonous snake before reaching for it and dialing the number again.He picks up from the very first ring, and I blurt out an urgent sloppy hello before I chicken out and hang up again.“Natalia, it is really you.” I hear his voice, dripping with surprise, relief, and…longing?“Yes.” Is all I can say, and honestly, I have no idea what to say, my mind goes blank a
To think one word can leave someone this frozen and numb.To think that one word is capable of making a person forget how to breathe.I remain in my spot, not even able to hang up.Why do I feel this way?I am not excited, I am not moved, I don’t feel any warmth, the butterflies in my stomach are probably dead or hibernating.I don’t feel frustrated, I don’t feel angry.I feel, numb…Why would a simple word such as baby make me feel this way? As if the air had been pulled out of my lungs, as if I no longer have the ability to move or think.For God knows how long, I feel like I am not only stripped off my identity, but of my humanity, as if I am no longer a human, I feel like I was a being, an almost conscious one that can sense its surroundings and itself, but not affect them. I feel like a puppet, and from the back of my mind, the disgusted sneer resonates in my ears.“You are worthless.”I gasp at last, or my body does out of reflex due to the lack of air, I raise my hand to my fac
I shiver when I hear his voice roaring, Maisie notices it and comes near me, taking my hands in hers.“What is he doing here?” I ask, perplexed as well as worried, and then I remember I actually heard the sound of a car’s door being slammed when I talked to him earlier.“I don’t know, stay here while I go out and check…” I don’t wait for Maisie to finish her words as I make my way towards the door, I need to know why he is here, and why is he making a scene in front of our block.I descend the stares hurriedly with Maisie trailing behind me, trying to convince me not to go down there but I ignore her words, I refused to meet him when he asked me to earlier because I felt I wasn’t ready, and who in the hell can feel ready to meet someone who had possibly hurt them, I don’t think I will ever be truly ready, then why wait until I am? Especially if he is right outside my block.Stepping outside the block, I walk to the side where my window is located, where a black Mercedes is parked near
To say that I was shocked was an understatement, for what I have felt in that moment was beyond shock!I felt as if the ground was being pooled from under me, and I was left to fall inside this dark endless pit…I, as well as everyone else, stared at the stranger who claimed to be my father, his eyes were on me though, and for a second, I felt as if everyone else had disappeared.This man’s face, it had my hazel eyes, my dark eyebrows, and even my beauty spot, the one on the right side of my chin.However, there is nothing familiar about the man, the resemblance is u
Am I going crazy? I ask myself as I look around me, the room is dark for Maisie had turned off lights, I can barely see anything, only vague shapes thanks to the bit of light coming from my window…My window! I look at it, but it is still closed, just like I left it.The door? It is the same, Maisie had just pulled it behind her.There is absolutely no way for him to be inside my room, unless he is some kind of a ghost!Ghosts don’t exist! I ridicule myself, although a little infantile part of me is questioning that fact!
I thought my first night outside the hospital would be terrifying, I imagined I would be accompanied by nightmares and fears, and even thought I might break down again and be sent back to the dull white room in the hospital.And honestly, that might have been the case, if it wasn’t for that late night call.We only hang up when the call was a little above five hours long, Nathaniel refused to hang up without making sure I was alright, I don’t know how he knew what I needed, but for almost an hour he kept on whispering small nothings to me through the phone, and it worked like magic, it felt like he took my hand and escorted me out of the circle I was trapped in, the one of sickness and sec