Chapter 08

I CAN'T FUCKING sleep!

Kanina pa 'ko galaw nang galaw dito sa kama ko. Paiba-iba ako nang ayos ng higa pero hindi ako makatulog. Hindi ko makalimutan 'yong ginawa ko kanina kay Emma sa kotse. Sobrang tamis ng mga labi niya. Ang lambot. I was so glad I had the privileged to be her first kiss. I didn't know what has gotten into me. Hindi ko dapat siya iniisip! Ilang araw lang naman siya nandito sa mansion kaya bakit iniisip ko siya?

Tumayo ako at dumiretso sa glass window nitong kuwarto ko. Tumingin ako sa kawalan. I can't stop thinking about her beautiful face. Her sweet lips. Her smile. Her talkative mouth. She was a talkative girl. Sa ilang araw na nandito siya ay pansin kong kasundo na niya agad 'yong mga kasambahay namin lalo na si Manang Dehlia. Pati nga si Liam ay kasundo na niya agad even my parents. Samantalang 'yong ibang mga naging babae ko noon ay ayaw na ayaw ng mga magulang ko. Not that Emma was one of my girls, but I had a feeling that my parents liked her especially my mother. I was really thankful that she saved my mother. I have realized that she was a nice person.

Shit. Napapikit ako bigla nang maalala ko 'yong mga beses na hinawakan niya ang mukha ko. Itong mukha na pinandidirihan ko. Itong mukha na may peklat. Peklat na naging rason kung bakit maraming nawala sa akin. Career ko. Halos buhay ko. Nawala. Tapos ganoon lang kadali sa kaniyang sabihin na maging positibo lang ako sa buhay na parang hindi naging mabigat 'yong pinagdaanan ko? Only if she knew, I got the worst nightmare of my life after the accident.

I opened my eyes and I was inside an unfamiliar room. White walls. White curtains. Green sofa. I roamed my eyes around until I realized I was inside the hospital room. What happened? Why was I here? I felt something on my face specifically on my left cheek. I touched it and there was a thin cloth covering the left side of my face. What was happening? Napatingin ako bigla sa pinto nang biglang bumukas iyon. It was my mother. She was crying. Why was she crying?

"Mom, why am I here?" tanong ko.

She wiped her tears and caressed my hair. "Damon, you had an accident."

Parang rolyo ng pelikula na biglang nanumbalik sa isip ko ang nangyari bago ako magising dito sa hospital room. I attended a press conference and it went well. I was the new Hugo Boss ambassador. I was in my car. My phone rang. Cecilia called and texted me. I was happy then suddenly another car---I stopped there. Napakurap-kurap ako nang maalala ko ang sumunod na nangyari. I caressed my left cheek and I instantly felt something. Pain.

I looked at my mother. "What happened? I'm alive. I'm still breathing. Everything's okay now, Mom."

She shook her head making my brows furrowed. "Damon, the media. They already know what happened to you."

I smiled. "Of course, Mom, I'm famous. People know me. But I'm okay now. Nothing to worry about."

Napatingin ulit ako sa pinto nang biglang may pumasok. Si Donovan. What the fuck is my brother doing here? Nasa Baguio siya. He was a journalist. We kinda look alike but he was three years older than me.

"I'm okay, bro. Nothing to worry about."

"I bet you're not after you read these," he handed me newspapers.

I looked at him warily. He just looked at me seriously. "You know I can do everything to save your ass up even if that means pretending to be you," he said then walked out of the room.

I looked at my mother first before I gave my attention to what Donovan had given me. I read the headlines.

Shocking news: Damon Montesoir is involved in a car accident in Manila City

The downfall of Damon: All his endorsements end their contracts with him

The world of fashion and modeling industry are shocked about Damon Montesoir's car accident

Why we need to talk about Filipino-Spanish model Damon Montesoir and his accident

What the fuck were these?! Napatingin agad ako kay mama. She was crying. What was the meaning of this?

"Are these some kinds of printed fake news articles? If so, I don't like any of it!"

Tinapon ko 'yong mga diyaryo. Biglang nag-init ang ulo ko. Hindi ba talaga ako kayang pagpahingain ng media? Why do they need to write fake articles about my career? Baka marami ang maniwala.

Muli na naman akong napatingin sa pinto dahil may kumakatok. Maraming kumakatok. Napakunot-noo ako. Parang maraming tao ang nasa labas. Narinig ko si mama na umiiyak lalo. Naguguluhan na ako sa nangyayari. Buhay pa naman ako. Hindi pa naman ako patay!

"Mom, be straightforward to me. What is happening? Gising naman ako. I'm not dead!" galit na sabi ko.

She wiped her tears again and looked at me. I didn't like the kind of stare she was giving me. She was pitying me and I didn't really know why.

"Your Dad and Donovan are outside. They're talking to the journalists and media personnel outside this room."

Nabitin ako. "And?"

"The media wants to see you."

"'Yon lang naman pala, e. Let them be! Gising naman ako. 'Tsaka para makausap ko sila patungkol sa mga headlines na nabasa ko kanina. I'm not dead, Mom. I'm alive and still kicking," natatawang sabi ko.

"We know that. You're awake now after two weeks."

Napatigil ako sa sinabi niya. Two weeks akong walang malay? E, parang kanina lang nangyari 'yong aksidente.

"Damon, you need to listen," naiiyak na sabi niya sa 'kin. "Two weeks kang walang malay. Binantayan ng mga doctor kung may namuong dugo sa ulo mo and luckily wala but your left face was damaged. You have a deep wound on your left face particularly on your left cheek and based on the findings, broken glasses cut it deep. The scar will be big but it will take months or years first before the scar will finally heal by laser treatment."

I felt tears running on my cheeks. Two weeks akong walang malay. May sugat ako sa kaliwang pisngi ko. Malaking sugat. Magiging peklat. Mga buwan o taon ang lilipas bago gumaling nang tuluyan.

"I don't know what to say," naluluhang sabi ko.

Dahil lang sa aksidente ay mangyayari sa 'kin 'to? Alam na pala ng mga tao ang nangyari sa mukha ko tapos ako wala pa rin kamalay-malay sa mga nangyayari?

But no! I can still fix myself. "No worries, Mom. I can still fix myself."

She looked at me seriously. "No, Damon. Your father and I have agreed to end your contract with those fashion brands you were endorsing."

Nagpantig ang mga tenga ko.

"Why did you do that, Mom? That's my personal decision!" sigaw ko.

Kung panaginip 'to puwes hindi ko gusto!

"The media has interviewed your doctor and announced what will be the effect of your accident. Everyone already knows what happened. Your endorsements were alarmed. They called us. They were giving us three days to decide whether you continue your contracts with them or not. It was a hard decision, Damon, but seeing you like this for two weeks, seeing those media personnel looking out for you knowing na ganiyan ang kalagayan mo, knowing na maraming mawawala sa 'yo paggising mo then, Damon, as your mother I have the full right and responsibility to decide what's best for you."

"And you think this is the best for me, ha? Deciding against my will!"

She smiled at me as if she has had enough. "Your endorsements signed the termination of your contract. I'm very sad, son. I'm very sad how this world only sees you as a man with a handsome face that they can easily disregard just because of the incident that neither of us wanted to happen. I'm so sorry if we decided against your will. I am just so tired of seeing them bumping here to see you know that you are not yet alright," she was crying.

I swallowed and wiped my tears. So, ito na 'yon? Tapos na 'yong career ko after years of being the highest-paid model in Asia? Dito lang ba? Dito lang magtatapos? Hindi man lang nila ako hinintay magising! Galit na galit ako. I felt betrayed. Gusto kong sumugod sa labas. Napahawak ako sa mukha kong may benda. Damn, if I didn't press my libido that night I was sure everything was still the same.

Biglang pumasok si Donovan at may inabot sa 'kin.

"Another article?"

"Ngayon, naniniwala ka na. I am thinking of something to save your ass from the media, brother, so you can finally live peacefully."

Kinuha ko 'yong sobre na inabot niya. Kulay pink na may mga puso-pusong design. "You know I love my career. I can still talk to the media to wait for me."

He smirked. "I'm a journalist and I know that once a famous person died in the limelight, he'll be forever ignored from the eyes of the media. Why will you still explain yourself? People will only judge you. They might even push you to know the reason why you got into an accident and we do not want that because I'm sure... babae ang dahilan based on what I've read on your phone na nakuha sa ilalim ng passenger's seat ng kotse mo."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Damn right. I caressed my left face again. "So, I'm ugly now?" bulong ko.

"Let's just say something different happened to your face that made those fashion brands abandoned you. Truth hurts but that's how society sees you. Someone with a good face that everyone's been itching to see with a pimple or acne but in your case, it's worst."

Nginisihan ko siya. My very straightforward brother. Napatingin ako rito sa binigay niya sa 'kin.

"What is this?"

"A letter from a woman. I saw her giving that letter to the guard outside. Inabot sa 'kin ng guard. I think she's your concern fan. A beautiful fan of yours. You, lucky idiot," aniya at lumabas ng room.

Inilapag ko ang binigay niyang letter at muling napahiga sa kama. Ngayon lang nagsink-in sa 'kin ang lahat. Ang bilis nila akong bitawan. Hinayaan ko na lang na tumulo ang mga luha ko.

My mother held my hand and squeezed it tight.

"No matter what happened, you're still the most handsome model I have ever seen in my entire life. I love you, Damon. Your family will always be here for you even if everyone closes their doors. Remember that."

I did not respond to what she said. I was too numb to feel about everything right now. Everything I have crashed easily. Ganoon na pala 'yon. Ang sakit.

Huminga ako nang malalim pagkatapos kong alalahanin ang nangyari two years ago. Everything went smoothly. My family did everything to cover me up from the media. Pinalabas nila na nasa America ako with the helped of my brother. He was in America now. Hindi pa rin siya umuuwi. He was still chasing his dream to become a journalist there. Kaya paano kadaling sabihin sa 'kin ni Emma na maging positibo lang?

Why do people can easily say that you have to be positive despite everything that happened to you? Didn't they know when you keep on embracing positivity during your hard times it also means somehow it is okay for you to see your hard work slipping away from you? And, that was the most painful thing I've learned after the incident.

Nakulong na 'yong driver na nakabangga sa 'kin. Malaya ako pero para pa rin akong nakakulong. I felt so down and I've had enough. Napansin ko ang letter na lagi kong binabasa. Muli kong kinuha at binuklat. Sa totoo lang, kabisado ko na 'tong laman ng sulat. Napangiti ako nang mabasa ko na naman ang heading.

Wyth. Loves dogs but loves you more.

What a brave heading. Napailing na lang ako. I really can't stop thinking kung ano ba'ng hitsura ng babaeng nagbigay nito. I wanna thank her for giving me this letter that has been with me until now. Binalik ko ang letter sa puwesto at hinanap si Liam. Nasaan na naman kaya iyon? Wala siya rito sa kuwarto kaya lumabas ako.

Natigilan ako nang makitang bukas ang kuwartong tinuluyan ni Emma noong nandito pa siya hanggang kanina. Pumasok ako roon. Wala na siya. Ang tahimik na ng kuwarto. Pansin ko rin nang pagkauwi ko rito kanina ay tahimik na rin ang mansion. Wala nang kadaldalan si Manang Dehlia. Napansin ko ang golden brown na buntot ni Liam. Nasa ilalim pala siya ng makapal na kumot.

"Liam. Go to my room. Now."

Sumilip agad ang ulo niya at gumalaw ang buntot niya pero hindi siya umalis sa puwesto niya. Gumalaw pa siya at umurong. He was hinting to sleep with me here. Napalunok ako. Ano ba'ng ginawa sa 'kin ng babaeng 'yon? I had a peaceful life for two years but she was starting to destroy that now.

Lumapit ako kay Liam at umupo sa gilid ng kama. Napansin ko pa ang ilang hibla ng buhok ni Emma. Kulot na buhok. Batang kulot. I smiled. I remember when she called me her tito and even mocked my age.

"You really want to sleep here, Liam?" tanong ko.

Lumabas ang dila niya at alam kong tuwang-tuwa siya sa tanong ko. I took a deep breath and I lay beside my dog. Agad akong napapikit nang maalala ko ang ginawa ko kanina. I hated to admit this but I missed her more now as I lay here in this bed where she used to sleep in and this room she stayed in where I stole her first kiss.