Chapter 4—Uncertain Feelings

"Good Liza, you got this question right." puri ko sa batang aking tinututor. 

Isa siyang grade 7 student at mababa ang marka sa Science kaya nagpapatutor. Ngumiti sa akin si Liza at saka nagpatuloy sa pagsagot. Tinignan ko muna ang orasan ng kanilang bahay. 7:30 P.M.

It's been a week since that encounter with Thorn in his office. After he said no, I immediately left to spare myself from the disappointment. The whole trip was bad, my heart was aching for some reason. And it did not go away until I rested.

"Ma'am, heto na po yung mga sagot ko," Liza politely said and handed me her test papers. I scanned it and gave it to her again.

"Good, I see that you are getting better in this topic, next time, we will open a new one okay?" tanong ko. Tumango naman siya at niligpit na ang kanyang gamit.

Malapit nang mag alas-otso noong matapos kami sa pag-aaral. Ganitong oras ako palagi natatapos tuwing lunes hanggang miyerkules. At dahil maaga kaming natapos, maaga na rin akong uuwi. 

Kailangan ko talaga ng pahinga kasi ilang araw ko nang nararamdaman ang pagiging pagod. Tinanong ko si Luna at kahit na sinabi niyang normal lang daw ito lalo na sa unang bahagi ng pagbubuntis, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang kabahan. 

"Sigurado ka ba na hindi ka na maghahapunan dito hija?" nag-aalalang tanong ng ina ni Liza ng marating ang study table na kinaroroonan ko. 

I picked up my shoulder bag and the envelopes then smiled at her. 

"Hindi na po tita, nakakahiya na po sa inyo. At uuwi na po ako kasi parang nagsaka ako buong araw." Alam kong naiintindihan niya ang ibig kong sabihin. 

Tumango siya sa akin pero kita pa rin ang pag-aalala sa kanyang mga mata. 

"Hija, maputla ang iyong labi, may masakit ba sayo?" dagdag na tanong niya. Napatigil ako at nakiramdam sa aking sarili. 

"Wala naman po, ayos lang naman po ako," pagpapalusot ko. 

Hindi ko naman pinapabayaan ang sarili at ang anak ko. I'm not a careless mother, I sleep and eat right pero pakiramdam ko kulang pa rin sa pahinga ang katawan ko. 

Tumango ang ina ni Liza at hinatid ako sa pinto. Nagpasalamat ito sa akin at saka ako lumakad palabas. 

Ilang hakbang mula sa pinto ng mga Hernandez ay napahinto ako nang makita si Thorn na naka business suit at nakaupo sa hood ng kanyang sasakyan, naka de kwatro saka nakahalukipkip. 

Tila may hinihintay siya roon. Nang magtama ang aming mga mata, agad na tila sinaniban ako ng kaba.

Akala ko mawawala ang pakiramdam na ito sa isang linggo na halos hindi kami nagkita pero heto ako, kinakabahan sa presensya niya. Hindi ko mawari kung ano ito pero pakiramdam ko lagi akong nahihigop papunta sa kanya.

 My whole system became conscious as felt his gaze over me as I walked. I smiled at him, when I was in front of him.

Umayos siya ng tayo at hinarap ako. 

"How's wor--"

"Have you eaten?" agad niyang pambungad. Ngumiti ako, "Yes I did, pero hindi ako kumain ng marami," I said. Kumunot ang noo niya sa sinabi ko. 

"You should eat a lot Heina." sabi niya na nagpalala sa nararamdaman ko. To receive a reminder from someone, is truly special. 

Napakagat nalang ako ng labi ang tumango. Medyo lumapit siya sa akin kaya napaatras ako at napigilang huminga. 

"I'll carry your things," he said. I nodded and handed to him my shoulder bag and envelopes while holding my breath for a moment. 

He turned around and walked towards the front seat of his car and opened the door.  

Tinaas niya ang tingin sa akin na nagpabalik sa akin sa realidad. Pinipigilan ko pa pala ang paghinga ko. Nahiya ako ng makita siyang ngumiti na tila natatawa sa akin.

"Get in," sabi niya. I moved and sat inside. He went to the driver's seat and placed my things in the backseat and faced me. 

My eyes darted to his face as I wait for his words. His eyes looked at my seatbelt and leaned to put it on me

My breathing hitched again as I felt his body so close. I bit my lip suppressing the urge to touch his hair. After he placed the seat belts, he started the car and we drove. 

"How's work?" I finally asked him after my heart calmed down. He looked at me for a few seconds and settled his eyes on the road. 

"Pretty much the same. I dated with the paper works and bills plus the demanding investors," he ranted. I chuckled a bit in response  

"Well, at least you look good in that suit." napatigil ako sa aking tinuran. He smirked at my praise. Namula ako sa kahihiyan. 

"So you like me wearing suits like these?" He asked playfully.

"Yes--I mean, yes because it..it suits your line of work,"I reasoned out. I saw him smile at my remark.

"Well, wait until you see me playing basketball, you'll fall in love with me."

Hinampas ko ang braso niyang matigas, ramdam ko ang pagtaas ng kanyang balahibo. 

"Ikaw ah, namumuro ka na," I said and scoffed. He laughed and shook his head while smiling. 

Dumaan muna kami sa isang restaurant bago tumuloy papunta sa bahay ko. Yung bahay na yon ay personal kong achievement. Wala ni isang tulong akong natanggap mula sa pamilya at kaibigan sa pag-iipon ko para doon. At ngayon, may magbibigay kulay na sa bahay dahil hindi na ako mag-isang titira roon.

After a few minutes, we reached my house, I took off the seat belt and opened the car door. I was about to get out when Thorn caught my hand which made me jump but I hid it and looked at him. 

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay at hinintay ang sasabihin. 

The next move he did rocked my world upside down! He brushed his thumb on my lips. Napaawang ang aking bibig, hindi makapaniwala sa ginawa niya.  

"You're pale, I've been observing you since we left from your session, tell me honestly, are you fine?" he seriously said. Napatingin ako sa mata niya. He was worried and a bit angry because of my situation.

"This is what you call tiredness, Thorn. Why don't we go inside the house first?" I said and pushed him away. I need some distance to breathe. 

Tumango siya at binitawan ang kamay ko. Kinuha niya ang mga gamit ko mula sa likod ng sasakyan at sabay kaming nagtungo sa bahay.

The silence between us was deafening. Pero nakiramdam lang ako hanggang marating namin ang pinto. 

My house is simple. No second floor but complete with 3 bedrooms. A living room, dining, kitchen and bathrooms in each of the bedrooms. May backyard din at front yard ito. My house is not in a subdivision, just a few minutes' ride outside the main city. 

I opened the door and turned on the lights. May condo unit naman ako pero ayaw kong manatili kami roon, masyado siyang kilala, lalo na ako, mas mabuting sa bahay ko nalang siya patitirahin kapag ganito ang set up. Only few people knew of this place which makes it a safer option. He touched the walls as if examining its sturdiness.

"You live here all the time?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Hindi, sa condo talaga ako madalas umuwi, pero dito ako pumupunta kapag walang tutoring," I said. He nodded in response.

"Pasensya ka na sa alikabok, maglilinis ako bukas," sabi ko at binuksan ang isa sa mga spare room. 

"You can just go to the kitchen if you need something 'kay? I'll just prepare the room you're staying in." 

"Hindi tayo matutulog sa isang kwarto?" namula ako sa tanong niya. 

"Of course not! may fiancee ka kaya, and we are just doing this for the baby remember?" tila nagulat siya sa sinabi ko pero sandali lang iyon. His expression somehow turned a bit dark as he went to the kitchen. 

Napabuntong hininga ako at pinagpatuloy ang paghahanda ng kwarto ni Thorn. After a few more cleaning ay natapos din. Pinahid ko ang aking pawis at saka lumabas at tinungo siya sa kusina. 

I saw him drinking wine while staring blankly at the wall. I smiled at him but he didn't seem to notice me. I went near him and touched his shoulders. Nagulat ako ng bigla niyang hawakan ang kamay ko at napatitig sa aking mga mata. 

DAMN! Ba't ka ba nanggugulat!?

"T-Thorn?" tanong ko. Natauhan naman siya at napaawang ang bibig habang nakatitig sa akin at lumunok saka uminom ng wine. Inalis niya ang tingin sa akin na nakakunot ang noo kaya nagtaka rin ako sa iniisip nito.

"Are you alright?" I asked. Tinignan niya ulit ako ng isang beses saka binalik ang tingin sa wine at tumango.

 WEIRD.

"Can--"panimula niya pero parang nahihirapan siyang sabihin ang pangungusap na iyon habang nakatitig sa akin. 

"What?" I asked raising an eyebrow at him. He looked at me with mixed emotions in his eyes, I saw sadness and joy. He shook his head as if telling me to forget it. Tumango ako at tinungo ang kwarto ko. I'mma have a shower at saka matutulog na ako. 

_________________________________________________________________________

I woke up early the next day. Hindi na ako nagtagal sa higaan at tumayo na at naghanda ng almusal. Pero bago iyon, as usual, morning sickness ang unang bumungad sa akin. Pagkatungo ko ng kusina ay binuksan ko ang ref at naghanap ng maluluto. I did not choose oily foods like hotdogs, hams and bacons because they're bad for my condition. 

I cooked eggs, hard-boiled and fried and then prepared the cooker for the rice. Maya-maya ay narinig ko ang pagdating ni Thorn. I immediately turned around only see the breathtaking view of his upper body. Napalunok ako habang sinusundan ng tingin ang kanyang katawan. 

Those defined muscles and curves, they're like chiseled from a stone, certain and precise. The abdominal muscles that contract and relax as he walks, they complete the pack. The tight and hard biceps, they are like that of a hard stone. Napalunok ulit ako. I looked at his face only to see him smirking at me. 

"Did you like my 'goodmorning'?" namula ako sa tanong niya. He did this on purpose! I smirked back at him. 

"Oh yes dear, I greatly did." I said in a sexy tone. I saw how his adam's apple moved up and down. Tumalikod ako sa kanya at tinutukan ang pagluluto. And an idea got into me. Let's see if you can handle this Mr. Hawkson. 

I took out my hair tie at tinalian ang buhok ko na pa bun. I stretched my neck to the right and wiped my sweat. Smirking, I turned to him and saw his half opened mouth and eyes staring at me.

"How's my goodmorning?" I playfully asked him. Natauhan siya at tinignan ako ng may panunuya. 

"I loved it," I was not expecting that response from him. My cheeks burned hot as I continued doing my stuff.

 We ate normally talking about work and home. Pinuna niya ulit ang aking pamumutla. Kumalma siya nung sinabi ko na bibili din ako ng vitamins mamaya pagkatapos maglinis. He offered his help and I gladly accepted it. Pagkatapos ng breakfast ay nagsusuot ako ng malaking T-shirt na siyang palagi kong ginagamit kapag naglilinis. Para sa akin mas comfortable ako sa mga damit na ganito.

I went out of my room and saw Thorn in a sleeveless shirt and basketball shorts while sitting in front of the laptop in the living room. 

He turned his head towards my direction and saw a hint of gloom in his expression. Tumaas naman ang kilay ko dahil rito. 

"Whose t-shirt is that?" He asked monotonically. Nagtaka ako at nakakunot ang noo. Nagseselos ba siya o naiirita lang?

"Mine, I bought it," I responded teasingly. Hindi nawala ang kaniyang madilim na awra pero kumalma naman siya. 

"Kung tutulungan mo ako, magdilig ka ng halaman sa labas, lilinisin ko lang yung mga banyo," I told him. He nodded and fixed his things. Nagtungo agad ako sa banyo ng kwarto ko. Hindi ko na siya tinignan dahil hindi naman siya mahihirapan 'pagkat nandoon naman lahat ng kakailanganin niya.

While working, I can't help but smile with bitterness, we look like a married couple yet para lamang ito sa anak namin. Alam kong wala akong karapatan na makaramdam ng sakit dahil hindi niya naman kasalanan na nangyari ito, kapwa naming ginawa ang nagdala sa amin sa sitwasyon na ito kaya kailangan kong harapin ang mga paghihirap na kaakibat nito. 

Teka nga, bakit ganito ang naiisip ko?

Klaro naman na malabo ang mangyayari na magiging kami. Kung may ibang ibig sabihin man ang kaniyang mga kilos, ayaw kong umasa. At hindi ako aasa. 

         

After working for three hours straight, the house was finally clean. I gulped as I looked at Thorn's sweaty body. Galing siya sa kusina at naglinis doon pagkatapos niyang magwalis sa labas. I tried to look away but my eyes kept on darting at his well-defined muscles. 

"Thanks for your help." I told him and he nodded, smirking.

I looked away as I blushed."Go on, clean up first Thorn." I said turning my back on him to suppress the hotness I felt. Hindi ko namalayan na hinawakan ng dalawa niyang kamay ang aking beywang mula sa likod. Napaigtad ako at naramdaman ang pagtaas ng aking balahibo sa buong katawan. Napapikit ako ng mariin at napakagat ng labi. 

"Stop doing that woman, you're seducing me." sabi niya sa aking tenga na nagpapula sa akin. 

"Hindi kita inaakit, 'wag kang mag-isip ng ganiyan," I hissed to hide my real reaction.

Tumawa na siya at binitawan ang aking bewang at pumasok sa kwarto niya. Napasapo naman ako sa aking pusong mabilis pa rin ang tibok. 

This is wrong. May fiancee yung tao, ayaw kong maging dahilan ng kanilang paghihiwalay. Pero tila iba ang sinisigaw ng aking puso at katawan. At tila nadadala na ang aking isipan.  

Ako ay nagiging hipokrita sa nangyayari sa akin. Sinabi ko na hindi ako aasa, pero ang reaksyon ng katawan ko sa tuwing andiyan siya, iba ang sinasabi. 

Napalunok ako habang ramdam pa rin ang haplos ng kanyang malaking kamay sa aking bewang. It's just been weeks but I don't know. I don't know....