All Chapters of a drink we call loneliness: Chapter 11 - Chapter 20

It’s unsettling to watch Sam’s demeanour change completely. From confident and tender to stiff and withdrawn. His eyes immediately focus on the floor, on the sofa behind me, they roam the room looking anywhere but me. It instantly reminds me of an older version of myself, one where I hid behind a glass closet whenever my father was looking my way. It’s heartbreaking, but I understand why it has to be this way.  I wait for him to say something, but he stays looking down at the floor. It’s awkward, and for a second, I consider darting out without a word, but that’d be a recipe for disaster. Not that whatever this is won’t be messy, but still.“Certainly, I-“ I try.He ignores me, “Son, what are you doing here?”He nods obediently, “I was talking to Theo about a piece, Um, that I heard tonight. That’s all, yeah.”Oh. My. God. Is he being purposefully obtuse?&n

Theo I absolutely hate myself for being on my way to Brighton, instead of going  home like I said I was going to. I’ve got no reason to be following through with this date, yet I still can’t help but go for it. Worst case scenario, we make out and never see each other again. I’m hopeless. It took me almost an hour to decide what to wear, and I still went back and changed one last time before leaving the house. The wine on my passenger seat is screaming “date” and although I don’t want to think of it that way, it’s pretty clear that for Sam, that’s what it is. I haven’t gone on a date for years now. Probably since I was still at uni. I was always more of an obsession for the guys that I was into than something worth knowing. Kevin took me to watch a film that he clearly wasn’t into, as all he did was yawn and caress my leg. Once it was over, we went straight

Theo The sea is calm, unwavering in front of us. It’s not an impressive sunset since it’s the middle of the winter, but it’s still hypnotizing to watch the waves come and roll away. I wonder if he’d like to take me on one of his famous walks…He startles me by reaching between us and grabbing my free hand from where it’s hanging off the armrest. I let him, because what else am I supposed to do? Not let myself indulge in his affection for a little while? “Did you like dinner?” he asks softly. I look at him. His eyes are lovely in the light of the setting sun, and his hair shines golden. It takes my breath away. How can someone be so beautiful and good and genuinely like me? I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my lips, “Yes. It almost beat my Nanny’s. So good.” He rolls his eyes, “Of course. So posh. It’s okay. I’m not a sore loser.” I feel myself grinning. He lifts our joined hands and kisses the back of my hand. It’s somewhere be

Chapter seventeenDecember 24th-TheoIt’s not until I’m halfway to my parent’s house that I notice I’m still wearing Sam’s sweatshirt, and it’s keeping me insanely warm. I don’t even know if it’s the thick material or just the memories from tonight that’s keeping my stomach warm and my cheeks flushed as I drive and drive in the quiet night and think about him.In a way, it feels right to finally know exactly how he feels about me, but on the other side, it’s terrifying to know that I have someone to share my life with. I never intended for this to happen, yet here I am, dating Sam. Beautiful, kind, courageous, righteous Sam.I’m walking a tightrope, tossing a coin in the air for him. It might just be the greatest thing in the world, or it could destroy me. The spontaneity of it all makes me ask myself whether it’s meant to last forever or if it’s somet

SamDinner runs late. It’s about four in the morning when guests have finally gone home. The decoration was beautiful, and the menu looked delicious although I didn’t get to try anything because George forgot to set a plate aside for me. All in all, I can safely say it was a success. My feet are heavy, and my arms are tired, so I head into the staff room and plop down into one of the small sofas. The very same Theo sat in a few days ago when he thought I was here on a date.Once I explained the whole thing to him on the phone, he relaxed. We talked it out and laughed about it, and I could feel a weight being lifted off my chest. I’ve had my fair experience with jealous exes, and that I can handle. The screaming, the checking my phone when I’m asleep…not so much. Theo doesn’t seem like he’s into that, though. He didn’t even want to know her name. What a relief.I take my black bow tie off, and then I curse myself f