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Chapter Nineteen
Last Updated:
2021-11-01 10:19:06Sam
Dinner runs late. It’s about four in the morning when guests have finally gone home. The decoration was beautiful, and the menu looked delicious although I didn’t get to try anything because George forgot to set a plate aside for me. All in all, I can safely say it was a success. My feet are heavy, and my arms are tired, so I head into the staff room and plop down into one of the small sofas. The very same Theo sat in a few days ago when he thought I was here on a date.
Once I explained the whole thing to him on the phone, he relaxed. We talked it out and laughed about it, and I could feel a weight being lifted off my chest. I’ve had my fair experience with jealous exes, and that I can handle. The screaming, the checking my phone when I’m asleep…not so much. Theo doesn’t seem like he’s into that, though. He didn’t even want to know her name. What a relief.
I take my black bow tie off, and then I curse myself f
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Sam March 28th Theo passes me a ceramic plate piled with all sorts of cupcakes as he plops down next to me, “Here you go, Sam.” I kiss his cheek as I start eyeing the cherry flavoured one. We’re in the front room of his parent's mansion taking a break from all the noise and bustle on the lawn. When I say mansion, I mean it. It’s got a long driveway with tall pines and a stable and carved wood on its walls. This is the house he grew up in, and it’s chilling to imagine him roaming these long hallways alone. From what he’s told me, his parents were mad busy all the time, so he used to be alone a lot during this childhood. It’s his Pam, his sister’s 13th birthday, and he chose the occasion to finally bring me home. I don’t know why he thought introducing me at an event with a party of a hundred people was a good idea. Most of them are his relatives, and it’s obvious everyone is posh and wealthy like he is. They haven’t been terri
Last Updated : 2021-11-02a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-one
TheoAfter guests have left, I lead us to the back of the lawn, all the way where the property fence blends with the trees. It used to be my hiding spot when I was a child. During long events or fancy dinners, I’d come out here to be alone. When I got older, and I got into the habit of smoking, I’d come here for a quiet cigarette, and finally, when Bryce and I met Elias, it used to be our drinking spot. We’d sit out here with stolen patio chairs and drink on hot summer nights while talking nonsense about our futures.Now, as adults, it’s the perfect spot to have a glass of wine and huddle underneath a cosy blanket. We stole a few chairs off the main lawn now that my parents have gone inside and some of Pam’s friends are up on their sleepover. They were adamant about having the whole cinema room to themselves, and they even got it decorated for the occasion. I think it sounds like a great time.It&rs
Last Updated : 2021-11-03a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter twenty-two Sam I sneak glances at Theo as his friends tell us the story of his childhood, and then, his teenage years. It’s obvious that his mum’s death had quite an impact on him. Perfectionist, success-driven Theo who has rushed through life to please anyone but himself. He never gave himself time to process his heartbreak or think about what he wanted next. I can tell how anxious he is, and this is something I’ve become familiar with in the past few months. I caress his hand to try to soothe him, and I don’t know if it works, but he squeezes my hand as a response every now and then. It’s heartbreaking to see him, looking down as everyone tells their funny travel stories. I watch his face going from thoughtful to straight-up sad as everyone laughs. He makes the occasional menacing comment, but I think he does it just to cover up his mood. It’s not that he couldn’t afford it. It’s just he cou
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SamIt takes me a second to react as the bedroom door slams closed, and then I’m running after Theo. I’m not above running after him, and I don’t really care about what set him off, but I don’t want to see him cry like this because of me.I am disoriented in the dark, running through hallway after hallway until I reach the main stairs. It doesn’t matter that we’re being noisy, stomping down the stairs and slamming doors.I notice as I’m running out that Muppet’s walking and sniffing around, probably confused about the racket and strange setting. I barely manage to close the door after me so he doesn’t escape. By the time I’m out the front door, Theo is already outside, near his car.“Theo,” I call out to him.His hair is dripping water down his neck. He doesn’t look up. I try again, this time when I’m nearer, “Theo.”“What? Ple
Last Updated : 2021-11-06a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty- Four
Theo I didn’t know how bad my anxiety was until Sam came along. Logically, I knew my attacks of worrying and pacing around the house weren’t normal, but I didn’t know how much they affected me until now. Last week, we were lying in bed, and it was late. I couldn’t sleep and was staring at the ceiling, my heart racing wildly when he caressed my cheek. “You’re anxious. I can practically hear your brain going now. Like an old laptop,” He whispered in the dark. I threw both hands over my face and laughed at his description. This beautiful man. “Jesus Christ. I am, all the time. I think about every single thing that could go wrong about basically everything and anything in my life.” He removed my hands gently from my face and replaced them with his, forcing me to look at him. He was sitting up, scanning my face. I could barely see his eyes, but I
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SamIt’s almost terrifying to watch Theo on the edge of a breakdown. When his anxiety is through the roof and he’s focusing all his energy on something, he’s an unstoppable force. His hair is falling around his face, wild and uncombed, just the way I prefer it. His movements are frantic as he is flipping through his books. I don’t know how he has the concentration to switch between books so quickly.Tomorrow is the defence of his dissertation, and he’s been restless all week. It’s an enormous deal. He gets to stand in front of a jury and talk about his research topic until he convinces them he’s worthy of being awarded the degree. I’ve never attended one of these ceremonies, but I’m madly curious about it.Now I’m here to witness him the night before, during the event, and then stay after to celebrate with him. I’ve no doubt in my mind that he’ll pas
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Sam Andrea asked Theo if she could come to witness the whole thing. I casually mentioned it over breakfast one day and her eyes lit up. She said she loves these kinds of ceremonies. It didn’t take long for his doctorate to become a frequent topic of conversation between them. They’re mad about academia in general, so that’s something else they have in common, besides their music and literature taste. They spend hours talking about their favourite Shakespeare analogies and the hidden meaning behind Ana Karenina while I get dinner ready on the times she and Jack come over. He once fell asleep on the sofa. That’s how bored he was with their whole conversation. That makes things easy for me, though. because I can simply ask her for recommendations to surprise Theo. It’s all pretty fucking great, to be honest. I made the suggestion sheepishly. I didn’t know if he’d be down for it with all his anxiety, but he was over the moon to be asked that. She helped him p
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TheoI close the door behind us, Sam turns and looks at me with a guilty grin, like he’s hiding a giant secret. “Wait here. Just for a sec,”I shrug, a habit I’ve picked up from him. I was never one for giving noncommittal answers, but now I’m all for it. Saves you a lot of anxiety. He runs inside, and I use this moment to sort myself out.I take my shoes off, drop my keys on the foyer table and head to the kitchen and pour myself a tall glass of water. It’s delicious in my throat, just the right kind of cold, and for a moment it feels like I’m coming home alone, back in my previous single status. I’m still thinking about that when his footsteps approach, and then he’s here. He’s holding a giant daffodil bouquet.It’s so lovely. My eyes are starting to water as he approaches me. I hear my voice cracking as I say, “Sam,”
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Sam Goodbye day is somehow less dramatic than last time. It's just as heartbreaking for me, though. Mostly, we were rushing to get him to the airport on time. He packed while I took the trash out and made sure his flat was nice and tidy for when he comes back next. I don't think getting back to an empty, filthy flat would feel great after months away, so I dodidmy best with the little time we have. He thanked me by snogging me against the door and offering me the keys if I wanted to stay here while he was away, and I batted them away laughing. "Just trying, you know?" He said with his palms up as he landed another big kiss on my mouth. I raised an eyebrow before pecking his cheek, "Like you don't know me." We spent Sunday morning walking around the park, and then when the sun started showing, we went home for a slow fuck and then he was en route to the airport. There's something about him that's odd, I can't tell what it is. He talks the same amount as before, he looks at me and
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SamWhen I wake up on Friday morning, the sun is out completely. I can tell it's much later than I've woken up in ages. I'm borderline too hot, buried underneath unfamiliar covers, and at first, I'm disoriented.I open one eye, and yesterday comes crashing back at me. Theo. The fight. The sheep. Heaps and heaps of mood. Midnight sex. It feels like it was a whole week packed into a day. I pat around his bed, but I quickly realise I'm alone. I don't think he would wait this long, but I still feel a little disappointed to find that out.When I finally check my phone, it's right on my nightstand, already plugged in. These are the sort of details he has with me that help me believe he's in love with me. His love language consists of helping me do small chores, get things ready for me, it's all about acts of service. As a child who had to be responsible for himself from day one, it's the best feeling in the world. I bounced around from foster family to faster family a
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Theo Sam stirs beneath me, from where he is still holding me, and I bury my face further in his neck. I haven't touched him this way in what feels like ages, and in general, I haven't been touched this intimately in a while. Now, feeling his warm skin against mine, and his strong arms around me is fantastic. He was a good lover as always. I don't know how he manages to put the right edge into his thrusts, and the perfect amount of eagerness and nerves in his trembling hands to make me feel desired. It drives me insane, the way his body finds his rhythm within mine, and the way his hips grind slowly against mine when we fuck this way. He's been asleep for a good hour now, and I can't blame him. He's overspent, overworked and even when he feels that way, he rode the train today so we wouldn't lose any time. His effort doesn't go unnoticed, and I am grateful for it, even though I wish he could've stayed for longer. If I had tried to stay for longer, it wou
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a drink we call loneliness Chapter Forty-Seven
Theo "I miss you, by the way," Sam says, halfway through destroying a supermarket croissant. He's not really looking at the camera, which means he's not looking at me either, instead he's staring at his computer at work. Now that he's doing night shifts for a bit, he calls me when he's at the clinic, and I despise it. When I first left, he was in bed and it felt more like an intimate moment between us, a sacred tradition. Now it feels like he's just checking something off his to-do list. I miss when I had his undivided attention, and I can't believe I feel this way. I used to think couples were gross about a year ago, and now I'm getting upset over my boyfriend having to work all the time. "Me too, loads. I don't sleep well when you are so far, honestly, it's the worst-" The sound of a door opening startles me, and he looks away from his computer towards his right, giving me a perfect view of his profile. He has terrible dark circles, but other
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Forty-Six
TheoMy aunt Ivy calls when I'm in the middle of a summit in New York. Now that I've worked my way up the continent, my bag is full of colourful knickknacks from the richest cultures I've seen yet. I panic a little, because she never calls directly, or picks up her phone.She's one of those people who avoid their phone until it's a necessary emergency, so I can't help but feel bile rising to my throat when I see her name on my screen, flashing like an omen. I leave my seat as smoothly as I can and grab my paper cup just to have something to fiddle with.My therapist says it's a big part of my anxiety, finding ways to release my tension, and although I'm really good at hiding it because of my upbringing, it's there. It's hard for me to give in to the urge to fidget because of how many times my hands or legs were slapped with a ruler as a kid. My mum never participated in this, since she passed away before I had to take all these lessons, and my father was too bus
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