It’s unsettling to watch Sam’s demeanour change completely. From confident and tender to stiff and withdrawn. His eyes immediately focus on the floor, on the sofa behind me, they roam the room looking anywhere but me. It instantly reminds me of an older version of myself, one where I hid behind a glass closet whenever my father was looking my way. It’s heartbreaking, but I understand why it has to be this way.
I wait for him to say something, but he stays looking down at the floor. It’s awkward, and for a second, I consider darting out without a word, but that’d be a recipe for disaster. Not that whatever this is won’t be messy, but still.
“Certainly, I-“ I try.
He ignores me, “Son, what are you doing here?”
He nods obediently, “I was talking to Theo about a piece, Um, that I heard tonight. That’s all, yeah.”
Oh. My. God. Is he being purposefully obtuse?&n
Chapter twelve Sam Theo is coming over. Theo Oblinger, Economics professor and classically trained pianist is coming over to my dingy flat for dinner, and then God knows what else we’ll get up to after. I didn’t think he would accept, and he went ahead and surprised me by saying yes. It’s only noon, and I’ve just gotten back from London but I’m already planning what I’m going to make for him. The whole train ride I dozed off and then started thinking about what I could make for him. One of the things I like about me is that I’m ace at cooking. When I was a student, I couldn’t really afford to eat out except for the occasional cheap takeout, and my curiosity to try good food pushed me to learn to cook. Of course, I’m not a pro and my knowledge comes mostly from internet recipes, but I’ve been told I make a good meal. Andrea used to love my cooking, and she’d often volunteer to buy groceries so
TheoI absolutely hate myself for being on my way to Brighton, instead of going home like I said I was going to. I’ve got no reason to be following through with this date, yet I still can’t help but go for it. Worst case scenario, we make out and never see each other again.I’m hopeless. It took me almost an hour to decide what to wear, and I still went back and changed one last time before leaving the house. The wine on my passenger seat is screaming “date” and although I don’t want to think of it that way, it’s pretty clear that for Sam, that’s what it is.I haven’t gone on a date for years now. Probably since I was still at uni. I was always more of an obsession for the guys that I was into than something worth knowing. Kevin took me to watch a film that he clearly wasn’t into, as all he did was yawn and caress my leg. Once it was over, we went straight
TheoDinner was stellar. There’s an old, antiquate saying that goes something like “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, and I couldn’t agree more at this moment. Throughout my life, I’ve had my fair share of posh dinners, even tried many different cuisines, yet the way the food was prepared with so much care beat them for me.He outdid every roast beef I’ve ever eaten, except my Nanny’s.The meal was rich and paired with the wine, has made our stomachs feel full and heavy. Not to mention that Sam is fun to chat with. He tells stories from everything from his patient's sweet stories to how he learned to cook. I don’t think he can tell how much I admire him, but he’s pretty much my favourite person to talk to now. When I went on about every mundane detail of my day, like telling him about how packed the petrol station was, he laughed with me and aske
Theo The sea is calm, unwavering in front of us. It’s not an impressive sunset since it’s the middle of the winter, but it’s still hypnotizing to watch the waves come and roll away. I wonder if he’d like to take me on one of his famous walks…He startles me by reaching between us and grabbing my free hand from where it’s hanging off the armrest. I let him, because what else am I supposed to do? Not let myself indulge in his affection for a little while? “Did you like dinner?” he asks softly. I look at him. His eyes are lovely in the light of the setting sun, and his hair shines golden. It takes my breath away. How can someone be so beautiful and good and genuinely like me? I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my lips, “Yes. It almost beat my Nanny’s. So good.” He rolls his eyes, “Of course. So posh. It’s okay. I’m not a sore loser.” I feel myself grinning. He lifts our joined hands and kisses the back of my hand. It’s somewhere be
TheoI break apart first and press my forehead against his. I feel a bit like I just saw myself kiss this beautiful man from a distance. His kisses are soft, gentle and unrushed, yet he took my breath away. As expected, he’s a terrific kisser, which only makes me want to stay even more. Here, with his arms holding me in place against his body, I feel safe.“Let’s go inside,” I say after taking a deep breath. Jesus. I’m panting. Like a dog. He’s flushed, and his hair is a mess (I did that.) I can’t stop staring at his pink lips. I give him a peck and he smiles against my mouth.“You sure?” he asks, the ever gentleman.I nod, and silently plead that he doesn’t make me say I want to go in for a snog before I leave. It’s getting too cold for me out here, and although his warmth is seeping through my skin, I’d rather be inside and comfortable. Somewhere in the back of m
Chapter seventeenDecember 24th-TheoIt’s not until I’m halfway to my parent’s house that I notice I’m still wearing Sam’s sweatshirt, and it’s keeping me insanely warm. I don’t even know if it’s the thick material or just the memories from tonight that’s keeping my stomach warm and my cheeks flushed as I drive and drive in the quiet night and think about him.In a way, it feels right to finally know exactly how he feels about me, but on the other side, it’s terrifying to know that I have someone to share my life with. I never intended for this to happen, yet here I am, dating Sam. Beautiful, kind, courageous, righteous Sam.I’m walking a tightrope, tossing a coin in the air for him. It might just be the greatest thing in the world, or it could destroy me. The spontaneity of it all makes me ask myself whether it’s meant to last forever or if it’s somet
Sam After dinner is served for the patrons, I head to the break room to send Theo a quick text. We have been texting a little during the day, not teenager style, because although I’d love that, we both have been busy all day. It doesn’t feel that way though, I don’t feel the need to be where he is at all times. As long as I know he’s safe, I’m happy. Sam (9:55 p.m): Hey the violin dude replacing you sucks Sam (9:55 p.m): wish you and your piano hands were here Sam (9:55 p.m): he’s good, but he’s not you I bite my lip and glance at my screen, waiting for his response. I know that once the third course needs to be served, I’ll have to dash out, but for now, I’ve got some time. The blue dots that indicate he’s typing show up after a beat, and then disappear before reappearing. I’m dying to know what he’s writing and rewriting. Theo (21:58): Don’t you dare insult a classical musician ever again in my presence Theo (21:58): But I wi
SamDinner runs late. It’s about four in the morning when guests have finally gone home. The decoration was beautiful, and the menu looked delicious although I didn’t get to try anything because George forgot to set a plate aside for me. All in all, I can safely say it was a success. My feet are heavy, and my arms are tired, so I head into the staff room and plop down into one of the small sofas. The very same Theo sat in a few days ago when he thought I was here on a date.Once I explained the whole thing to him on the phone, he relaxed. We talked it out and laughed about it, and I could feel a weight being lifted off my chest. I’ve had my fair experience with jealous exes, and that I can handle. The screaming, the checking my phone when I’m asleep…not so much. Theo doesn’t seem like he’s into that, though. He didn’t even want to know her name. What a relief.I take my black bow tie off, and then I curse myself f
Sam Goodbye day is somehow less dramatic than last time. It's just as heartbreaking for me, though. Mostly, we were rushing to get him to the airport on time. He packed while I took the trash out and made sure his flat was nice and tidy for when he comes back next. I don't think getting back to an empty, filthy flat would feel great after months away, so I dodidmy best with the little time we have. He thanked me by snogging me against the door and offering me the keys if I wanted to stay here while he was away, and I batted them away laughing. "Just trying, you know?" He said with his palms up as he landed another big kiss on my mouth. I raised an eyebrow before pecking his cheek, "Like you don't know me." We spent Sunday morning walking around the park, and then when the sun started showing, we went home for a slow fuck and then he was en route to the airport. There's something about him that's odd, I can't tell what it is. He talks the same amount as before, he looks at me and
Theo After our serious talk earlier, I'm not sure where we stand. I'm not sure how much harder we're willing to try, or how much we can actually give each other. It seems as if the things that we used to have in common have faded slowly over the past year. Both our schedules and priorities have shifted. Our feelings remain the same, I think. Here's the thing about relationships, no matter how much you cling to them, if the timing is off, it might be a matter of time before it all crumbles. I don't have it in me to break things off, but I'm not sure how much longer we'll be able to keep holding on. "Do you want to go out?" I ask him, hoping he says no. I feel like staying in with him all afternoon, maybe cooking some dinner together even. Like back in the good old days. He shakes his head and flushes, "No, I. Well, I thought we could use our time together to be a little selfish, you know? Lock ourselves up." I grin at him and kiss his cheek. I love his soft cheeks, they're my favo
SamWhen I wake up on Friday morning, the sun is out completely. I can tell it's much later than I've woken up in ages. I'm borderline too hot, buried underneath unfamiliar covers, and at first, I'm disoriented.I open one eye, and yesterday comes crashing back at me. Theo. The fight. The sheep. Heaps and heaps of mood. Midnight sex. It feels like it was a whole week packed into a day. I pat around his bed, but I quickly realise I'm alone. I don't think he would wait this long, but I still feel a little disappointed to find that out.When I finally check my phone, it's right on my nightstand, already plugged in. These are the sort of details he has with me that help me believe he's in love with me. His love language consists of helping me do small chores, get things ready for me, it's all about acts of service. As a child who had to be responsible for himself from day one, it's the best feeling in the world. I bounced around from foster family to faster family a
Theo I'm still at the table, picking up our containers and setting them on the stove when he is back in the room, with his shoes on and his work ID hanging around his neck. He walks around me and hugs me from behind. I feel his face buried in the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, I truly am. I'll be back later tonight. It's only six. I'll be back before midnight, promise." I roll my eyes because I know he can't see me. I understand his motives, and I feel sorry for the goat that's there in Swindon, but I hate him at the same time. "So much for a whole weekend together," I say bitterly, but lean back into him. "I understand. You have every right to be upset. I'm an idiot. I accounted for everything at the clinic except for the fact that Gracie isn't trained on livestock at all. I'm sorry, love," he says as he places his cheek against my back. I twist in his arms so he can see me, and then I step back, freeing myself from his arms. "I
Theo Sam stirs beneath me, from where he is still holding me, and I bury my face further in his neck. I haven't touched him this way in what feels like ages, and in general, I haven't been touched this intimately in a while. Now, feeling his warm skin against mine, and his strong arms around me is fantastic. He was a good lover as always. I don't know how he manages to put the right edge into his thrusts, and the perfect amount of eagerness and nerves in his trembling hands to make me feel desired. It drives me insane, the way his body finds his rhythm within mine, and the way his hips grind slowly against mine when we fuck this way. He's been asleep for a good hour now, and I can't blame him. He's overspent, overworked and even when he feels that way, he rode the train today so we wouldn't lose any time. His effort doesn't go unnoticed, and I am grateful for it, even though I wish he could've stayed for longer. If I had tried to stay for longer, it wou
SamA week after our fight, right before Halloween, Theo flies home. I've been way too busy all week to plan proper dates, but then again, he's going to be here for three days, so it's not like we'll have much time. We made a joint decision to not tell his family so we could make the most of these few days. In some ways, it feels like we're trying to fix something, although I can't quite put my finger on what's exactly broken.I worked double shifts last week and this one so I could take the whole weekend, Friday included off. I haven't taken days off in ages, I can't remember what I used to do in my spare time besides cooking and sleeping all day. I rush through Thursday's shift, get the paperwork done nice and early so Grace doesn't get stuck here with it while seeing patients. I think she'll be fine since she's shown me she's perfectly capable of running things on her own, but I don't want to give her more than it's humanly possible. Especially since she offered to
Theo "I miss you, by the way," Sam says, halfway through destroying a supermarket croissant. He's not really looking at the camera, which means he's not looking at me either, instead he's staring at his computer at work. Now that he's doing night shifts for a bit, he calls me when he's at the clinic, and I despise it. When I first left, he was in bed and it felt more like an intimate moment between us, a sacred tradition. Now it feels like he's just checking something off his to-do list. I miss when I had his undivided attention, and I can't believe I feel this way. I used to think couples were gross about a year ago, and now I'm getting upset over my boyfriend having to work all the time. "Me too, loads. I don't sleep well when you are so far, honestly, it's the worst-" The sound of a door opening startles me, and he looks away from his computer towards his right, giving me a perfect view of his profile. He has terrible dark circles, but other
TheoMy aunt Ivy calls when I'm in the middle of a summit in New York. Now that I've worked my way up the continent, my bag is full of colourful knickknacks from the richest cultures I've seen yet. I panic a little, because she never calls directly, or picks up her phone.She's one of those people who avoid their phone until it's a necessary emergency, so I can't help but feel bile rising to my throat when I see her name on my screen, flashing like an omen. I leave my seat as smoothly as I can and grab my paper cup just to have something to fiddle with.My therapist says it's a big part of my anxiety, finding ways to release my tension, and although I'm really good at hiding it because of my upbringing, it's there. It's hard for me to give in to the urge to fidget because of how many times my hands or legs were slapped with a ruler as a kid. My mum never participated in this, since she passed away before I had to take all these lessons, and my father was too bus
SamGrace comes in early today, carrying a Tesco bag, and from here I can see the two meal deals."Lunch," she says with a grin, before setting it on my desk, "You're welcome, I got you the smoothie you like so much,"I grin back at her good memory. It's not like I'm hard to please, to be fair. I eat about anything and everything you set on my way, but it's nice of her to remember the specific one I like. So far, we've been working together for a little over a month and things are working out nicely. We're heading into October already, and as the city is cooling, I'm grateful to have someone here to hang out with.Dr. Lindt spends most of his time in London, looking at empty shops and whatnot for the branch he wants to open there. I'm secretly hoping he offers me a position there so I can move closer to Theo, but only time will tell. He's barely starting to make plans, so I think the opening won't be for another year.Now that I've got my off