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Chapter Seventeen
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Chapter seventeen
December 24th
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Theo
It’s not until I’m halfway to my parent’s house that I notice I’m still wearing Sam’s sweatshirt, and it’s keeping me insanely warm. I don’t even know if it’s the thick material or just the memories from tonight that’s keeping my stomach warm and my cheeks flushed as I drive and drive in the quiet night and think about him.
In a way, it feels right to finally know exactly how he feels about me, but on the other side, it’s terrifying to know that I have someone to share my life with. I never intended for this to happen, yet here I am, dating Sam. Beautiful, kind, courageous, righteous Sam.
I’m walking a tightrope, tossing a coin in the air for him. It might just be the greatest thing in the world, or it could destroy me. The spontaneity of it all makes me ask myself whether it’s meant to last forever or if it’s somet
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Sam After dinner is served for the patrons, I head to the break room to send Theo a quick text. We have been texting a little during the day, not teenager style, because although I’d love that, we both have been busy all day. It doesn’t feel that way though, I don’t feel the need to be where he is at all times. As long as I know he’s safe, I’m happy. Sam (9:55 p.m): Hey the violin dude replacing you sucks Sam (9:55 p.m): wish you and your piano hands were here Sam (9:55 p.m): he’s good, but he’s not you I bite my lip and glance at my screen, waiting for his response. I know that once the third course needs to be served, I’ll have to dash out, but for now, I’ve got some time. The blue dots that indicate he’s typing show up after a beat, and then disappear before reappearing. I’m dying to know what he’s writing and rewriting. Theo (21:58): Don’t you dare insult a classical musician ever again in my presence Theo (21:58): But I wi
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Nineteen
SamDinner runs late. It’s about four in the morning when guests have finally gone home. The decoration was beautiful, and the menu looked delicious although I didn’t get to try anything because George forgot to set a plate aside for me. All in all, I can safely say it was a success. My feet are heavy, and my arms are tired, so I head into the staff room and plop down into one of the small sofas. The very same Theo sat in a few days ago when he thought I was here on a date.Once I explained the whole thing to him on the phone, he relaxed. We talked it out and laughed about it, and I could feel a weight being lifted off my chest. I’ve had my fair experience with jealous exes, and that I can handle. The screaming, the checking my phone when I’m asleep…not so much. Theo doesn’t seem like he’s into that, though. He didn’t even want to know her name. What a relief.I take my black bow tie off, and then I curse myself f
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty
Sam March 28th Theo passes me a ceramic plate piled with all sorts of cupcakes as he plops down next to me, “Here you go, Sam.” I kiss his cheek as I start eyeing the cherry flavoured one. We’re in the front room of his parent's mansion taking a break from all the noise and bustle on the lawn. When I say mansion, I mean it. It’s got a long driveway with tall pines and a stable and carved wood on its walls. This is the house he grew up in, and it’s chilling to imagine him roaming these long hallways alone. From what he’s told me, his parents were mad busy all the time, so he used to be alone a lot during this childhood. It’s his Pam, his sister’s 13th birthday, and he chose the occasion to finally bring me home. I don’t know why he thought introducing me at an event with a party of a hundred people was a good idea. Most of them are his relatives, and it’s obvious everyone is posh and wealthy like he is. They haven’t been terri
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TheoAfter guests have left, I lead us to the back of the lawn, all the way where the property fence blends with the trees. It used to be my hiding spot when I was a child. During long events or fancy dinners, I’d come out here to be alone. When I got older, and I got into the habit of smoking, I’d come here for a quiet cigarette, and finally, when Bryce and I met Elias, it used to be our drinking spot. We’d sit out here with stolen patio chairs and drink on hot summer nights while talking nonsense about our futures.Now, as adults, it’s the perfect spot to have a glass of wine and huddle underneath a cosy blanket. We stole a few chairs off the main lawn now that my parents have gone inside and some of Pam’s friends are up on their sleepover. They were adamant about having the whole cinema room to themselves, and they even got it decorated for the occasion. I think it sounds like a great time.It&rs
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter twenty-two Sam I sneak glances at Theo as his friends tell us the story of his childhood, and then, his teenage years. It’s obvious that his mum’s death had quite an impact on him. Perfectionist, success-driven Theo who has rushed through life to please anyone but himself. He never gave himself time to process his heartbreak or think about what he wanted next. I can tell how anxious he is, and this is something I’ve become familiar with in the past few months. I caress his hand to try to soothe him, and I don’t know if it works, but he squeezes my hand as a response every now and then. It’s heartbreaking to see him, looking down as everyone tells their funny travel stories. I watch his face going from thoughtful to straight-up sad as everyone laughs. He makes the occasional menacing comment, but I think he does it just to cover up his mood. It’s not that he couldn’t afford it. It’s just he cou
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Three
SamIt takes me a second to react as the bedroom door slams closed, and then I’m running after Theo. I’m not above running after him, and I don’t really care about what set him off, but I don’t want to see him cry like this because of me.I am disoriented in the dark, running through hallway after hallway until I reach the main stairs. It doesn’t matter that we’re being noisy, stomping down the stairs and slamming doors.I notice as I’m running out that Muppet’s walking and sniffing around, probably confused about the racket and strange setting. I barely manage to close the door after me so he doesn’t escape. By the time I’m out the front door, Theo is already outside, near his car.“Theo,” I call out to him.His hair is dripping water down his neck. He doesn’t look up. I try again, this time when I’m nearer, “Theo.”“What? Ple
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Theo I didn’t know how bad my anxiety was until Sam came along. Logically, I knew my attacks of worrying and pacing around the house weren’t normal, but I didn’t know how much they affected me until now. Last week, we were lying in bed, and it was late. I couldn’t sleep and was staring at the ceiling, my heart racing wildly when he caressed my cheek. “You’re anxious. I can practically hear your brain going now. Like an old laptop,” He whispered in the dark. I threw both hands over my face and laughed at his description. This beautiful man. “Jesus Christ. I am, all the time. I think about every single thing that could go wrong about basically everything and anything in my life.” He removed my hands gently from my face and replaced them with his, forcing me to look at him. He was sitting up, scanning my face. I could barely see his eyes, but I
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Five
SamIt’s almost terrifying to watch Theo on the edge of a breakdown. When his anxiety is through the roof and he’s focusing all his energy on something, he’s an unstoppable force. His hair is falling around his face, wild and uncombed, just the way I prefer it. His movements are frantic as he is flipping through his books. I don’t know how he has the concentration to switch between books so quickly.Tomorrow is the defence of his dissertation, and he’s been restless all week. It’s an enormous deal. He gets to stand in front of a jury and talk about his research topic until he convinces them he’s worthy of being awarded the degree. I’ve never attended one of these ceremonies, but I’m madly curious about it.Now I’m here to witness him the night before, during the event, and then stay after to celebrate with him. I’ve no doubt in my mind that he’ll pas
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Sam Goodbye day is somehow less dramatic than last time. It's just as heartbreaking for me, though. Mostly, we were rushing to get him to the airport on time. He packed while I took the trash out and made sure his flat was nice and tidy for when he comes back next. I don't think getting back to an empty, filthy flat would feel great after months away, so I dodidmy best with the little time we have. He thanked me by snogging me against the door and offering me the keys if I wanted to stay here while he was away, and I batted them away laughing. "Just trying, you know?" He said with his palms up as he landed another big kiss on my mouth. I raised an eyebrow before pecking his cheek, "Like you don't know me." We spent Sunday morning walking around the park, and then when the sun started showing, we went home for a slow fuck and then he was en route to the airport. There's something about him that's odd, I can't tell what it is. He talks the same amount as before, he looks at me and
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Theo After our serious talk earlier, I'm not sure where we stand. I'm not sure how much harder we're willing to try, or how much we can actually give each other. It seems as if the things that we used to have in common have faded slowly over the past year. Both our schedules and priorities have shifted. Our feelings remain the same, I think. Here's the thing about relationships, no matter how much you cling to them, if the timing is off, it might be a matter of time before it all crumbles. I don't have it in me to break things off, but I'm not sure how much longer we'll be able to keep holding on. "Do you want to go out?" I ask him, hoping he says no. I feel like staying in with him all afternoon, maybe cooking some dinner together even. Like back in the good old days. He shakes his head and flushes, "No, I. Well, I thought we could use our time together to be a little selfish, you know? Lock ourselves up." I grin at him and kiss his cheek. I love his soft cheeks, they're my favo
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SamWhen I wake up on Friday morning, the sun is out completely. I can tell it's much later than I've woken up in ages. I'm borderline too hot, buried underneath unfamiliar covers, and at first, I'm disoriented.I open one eye, and yesterday comes crashing back at me. Theo. The fight. The sheep. Heaps and heaps of mood. Midnight sex. It feels like it was a whole week packed into a day. I pat around his bed, but I quickly realise I'm alone. I don't think he would wait this long, but I still feel a little disappointed to find that out.When I finally check my phone, it's right on my nightstand, already plugged in. These are the sort of details he has with me that help me believe he's in love with me. His love language consists of helping me do small chores, get things ready for me, it's all about acts of service. As a child who had to be responsible for himself from day one, it's the best feeling in the world. I bounced around from foster family to faster family a
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Theo I'm still at the table, picking up our containers and setting them on the stove when he is back in the room, with his shoes on and his work ID hanging around his neck. He walks around me and hugs me from behind. I feel his face buried in the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, I truly am. I'll be back later tonight. It's only six. I'll be back before midnight, promise." I roll my eyes because I know he can't see me. I understand his motives, and I feel sorry for the goat that's there in Swindon, but I hate him at the same time. "So much for a whole weekend together," I say bitterly, but lean back into him. "I understand. You have every right to be upset. I'm an idiot. I accounted for everything at the clinic except for the fact that Gracie isn't trained on livestock at all. I'm sorry, love," he says as he places his cheek against my back. I twist in his arms so he can see me, and then I step back, freeing myself from his arms. "I
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Theo Sam stirs beneath me, from where he is still holding me, and I bury my face further in his neck. I haven't touched him this way in what feels like ages, and in general, I haven't been touched this intimately in a while. Now, feeling his warm skin against mine, and his strong arms around me is fantastic. He was a good lover as always. I don't know how he manages to put the right edge into his thrusts, and the perfect amount of eagerness and nerves in his trembling hands to make me feel desired. It drives me insane, the way his body finds his rhythm within mine, and the way his hips grind slowly against mine when we fuck this way. He's been asleep for a good hour now, and I can't blame him. He's overspent, overworked and even when he feels that way, he rode the train today so we wouldn't lose any time. His effort doesn't go unnoticed, and I am grateful for it, even though I wish he could've stayed for longer. If I had tried to stay for longer, it wou
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a drink we call loneliness Chapter Forty-Seven
Theo "I miss you, by the way," Sam says, halfway through destroying a supermarket croissant. He's not really looking at the camera, which means he's not looking at me either, instead he's staring at his computer at work. Now that he's doing night shifts for a bit, he calls me when he's at the clinic, and I despise it. When I first left, he was in bed and it felt more like an intimate moment between us, a sacred tradition. Now it feels like he's just checking something off his to-do list. I miss when I had his undivided attention, and I can't believe I feel this way. I used to think couples were gross about a year ago, and now I'm getting upset over my boyfriend having to work all the time. "Me too, loads. I don't sleep well when you are so far, honestly, it's the worst-" The sound of a door opening startles me, and he looks away from his computer towards his right, giving me a perfect view of his profile. He has terrible dark circles, but other
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Forty-Six
TheoMy aunt Ivy calls when I'm in the middle of a summit in New York. Now that I've worked my way up the continent, my bag is full of colourful knickknacks from the richest cultures I've seen yet. I panic a little, because she never calls directly, or picks up her phone.She's one of those people who avoid their phone until it's a necessary emergency, so I can't help but feel bile rising to my throat when I see her name on my screen, flashing like an omen. I leave my seat as smoothly as I can and grab my paper cup just to have something to fiddle with.My therapist says it's a big part of my anxiety, finding ways to release my tension, and although I'm really good at hiding it because of my upbringing, it's there. It's hard for me to give in to the urge to fidget because of how many times my hands or legs were slapped with a ruler as a kid. My mum never participated in this, since she passed away before I had to take all these lessons, and my father was too bus
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SamGrace comes in early today, carrying a Tesco bag, and from here I can see the two meal deals."Lunch," she says with a grin, before setting it on my desk, "You're welcome, I got you the smoothie you like so much,"I grin back at her good memory. It's not like I'm hard to please, to be fair. I eat about anything and everything you set on my way, but it's nice of her to remember the specific one I like. So far, we've been working together for a little over a month and things are working out nicely. We're heading into October already, and as the city is cooling, I'm grateful to have someone here to hang out with.Dr. Lindt spends most of his time in London, looking at empty shops and whatnot for the branch he wants to open there. I'm secretly hoping he offers me a position there so I can move closer to Theo, but only time will tell. He's barely starting to make plans, so I think the opening won't be for another year.Now that I've got my off
