Chapter Four: Her Biggest Disappointment

“Mom?”

Astrid gave Dreia an apologetic smile behind the glass door of her balcony as she picked up her mother’s call. A small part of her was relieved that Vivien called, unknowingly whisking her away from the reality Astrid left behind in Cebu–that inevitably went on without her.

“Hey, honey. Are you outside?”

“Yeah, I’m on the balcony.” Astrid said with a shaky breath as she leaned against the terrace.

“Have you been crying?”

“No–”

“I take it the audition didn’t go well then.”

Astrid paused, momentarily surprised with how off her mother was. Still, she appreciated the ignorance. Lola Elisa’s passing was not something she could process just yet.

“No…” Astrid finally replied, her voice trailing off.

How many years has it been since Lola Elisa passed? How was Lee coping with all of this? Why didn’t anyone tell her? The thought of the body of the lanky teenager she loved crying over an open casket broke her heart, but what was worse was that she wasn’t there to cry with him.

Still, Astrid’s head was racing with a million questions per second, but she forced herself to focus on her present.

“Astrid, are you listening to me?”

“Sorry, I…” Astrid quickly thought of a lame excuse, “Signal was kind of bad, but I can hear you now.”

“Oh, I see. Anyway, now’s not the time to lull over some dumb indie audition. Everybody knows indie doesn’t make money anyway.”

Astrid bit her tongue, holding back the argument forming in her mouth. Astrid held a lot of respect for independent films. The quality they were able to create despite the very limited budget was something that she understood and respected so much.

“However, as your manager, I have to tell you that it is not looking good. If you can’t land an indie film despite your ranking in the box office is not a great look for you.”

“Maybe, I’m just not what they’re looking for–”

“Oh, Astrid, you’re acting like you’ve never been rejected by a casting director before. ‘Not what they’re looking for’ is just the polite way of saying you did badly and they’re not interested.”

Astrid immediately snapped her mouth shut, a heavy lump forming in her throat. She knew full well that was the case, but she couldn’t help but hope anyway.

“Anyway, I just called to say that it’s no coincidence. The media outlets are having a field day with your sudden break up but continued silence. Everyone’s speculating why things happened and I’m sorry to say, it’s favoring Jerome.”

Just like that, the lump got bigger and bigger with every word that passed through the frequency. Astrid forced herself to keep her erratic breathing quiet as her mother talked.

“The executives are taking advantage of the situation and they’re booking Jerome in more movies with that girl, Audrey.”

Audrey de la Torre. The bitch who spent the night at Jerome’s with her legs spread wide open. The reason behind their whole split. The reason why she’s in this mess in the first place.

That Audrey.

“Did I book anything at least?” Astrid managed to choke out.

“Sorry, anak. You know this industry is ruthless.”

Astrid heaved a heavy sigh. She expected this somehow, but to hear it from her own mother made the reality feel too heavy to carry.

“I’ll try booking you more auditions. But you might have to consider taking a break, just until all of this dies down. Make a strong comeback a few years later, you know how it goes.”

And just like that, whatever was left of Astrid’s heart broke.

She felt her knees go weak and she’s just glad she was still leaning against her balcony.

“Did I miss anything?” Her mother continued over the phone, “Anyway, I have to go. See you at home.”

Click.

Astrid bowed her head over the ledge, just as she heaved a sigh. She stared at the pavement far, far below blankly before heaving a deeper sigh and turning around.

Just as she turns, she is greeted with a bottle of tequila shoved against her chest.

Astrid stared at Dreia’s outstretched hand (which was holding the bottle) like a deer caught in the headlights before finally meeting the sympathetic look on her face.

“Come on, sounds like you need it.”

“But–”

“Oh, drop the bullshit. You look like a child whose Barbie was burned in front of her.” Dreia said, rolling her eyes as she led Astrid back inside.

“Come on, bottom’s up. It’s your shot.”

Astrid fixed her gaze on the shot glass sitting on her coffee table, filled to the brim with tequila. Without giving it another thought, she took the glass and downed the shot in a second. She ignored the way Dreia hooted and cheered behind her as she settled herself on the floor in front of the couch, hugging her knees.

Right now, she’s not Astrid Yu. She was just Astrid.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“Do you ever feel like a fucking failure?” Astrid heard herself slurring out to Dreia who was somehow still upright and pouring tequila into the shot glass.

“Babe, I’m a filmmaker by profession. It comes with the package.” Dreia said, rolling her eyes as she took her shot and quickly pressed a lemon slice between her lips.

“I know, but like,” Astrid paused, staring blankly into space as she tried desperately to remember what she was trying to say.

“Get your shit together, girl.” Dreia laughed as she slid the full shot glass to Astrid, “Your weak shit is showing.”

“’M no weak shit.” Astrid mumbled in protest but took the shot glass into her hands anyway. She gave the tequila a dirty look before gunning it down straight.

“Ah, that shit burns.” Astrid groaned.

“Of course, it does. You’re not taking any chasers.”

“Right. Anyway.”

Astrid met Dreia’s curious gaze and stared at her.

“Do you ever feel like a disappointment?” She finally asked.

“Like I said–”

“No, I heard you the first time.” Astrid interrupted, “What I mean is, have you ever had it all?”

Dreia stared at her curiously.

“You had it all. You sacrificed everything to have it all, even the love of your life. Only to lose it all in a snap of a finger,” Astrid then snapped her fingers, “Just like that.”

“Can’t say I know what you’re talking about.” Dreia finally said.

“I did everything to make my mother happy. But now I’m just her biggest failure. A disappointment.”

The two sat in silence for a while.

Carefully, Dreia began to voice out her thoughts.

“You know, you’ve been doing everything you can to impress Tita Vivien. Have you ever thought that maybe you don’t have to?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re a people-pleaser, Astrid. You have been your whole life. Maybe it’s time to stop living on other people’s terms and start living on your own.”

Astrid snorted, rolling her eyes as she replied, “We work in mainstream media. Being a people-pleaser is a default personality trait.”

Dreia could only nod in reply as she continued to stare at Astrid with concern laced in the corners of her eyes.

The two sat in silence once more when suddenly, Astrid snapped her head towards Dreia. Dreia raised a brow at her just as Astrid narrowed her eyes at her.

“What are you looking at?” Dreia asked.

“What if…” Astrid started.

“Nope.” Dreia immediately refused.

“What?”

“That kind of conversation never ends well.”

“Okay, but hear me out!” Astrid exclaimed, “What if we make a YouTube channel?”

“One, I definitely didn’t see that coming. Two, you’re drunk. Don’t you have a career to protect or something?”

“I don’t have a career. I’m washed up and for what?” Astrid said, throwing her hands wildly in the air.

“For five minutes of fame!” Astrid cackled bitterly, “I left Lee for five fucking minutes of fame.”

Dreia stared at her sympathetically, taking the second shot in the row without Astrid noticing.

“So!” Astrid exclaimed again, making Dreia jump, “Nothing matters! But you know what does? A YouTube channel.”

“You are not making any sense.”

“Come on, I know you have a camera there somewhere.” Astrid demanded, slurring very loudly. Dreia simply laughed.

“How about an iPhone 14 Pro Max 1-Terabyte Fully Paid?” Dreia playfully asked as she dug into her knapsack. Astrid’s eyes widened with pride as Dreia pulled out her phone and a phone stand from her bag.

“That’s my girl! I know you could do it!” Astrid squealed. Dreia rolled her eyes for the nth time.

“So what do you propose we do?” She asked as she set up her phone.

“What about… a make-up tutorial?”

“Oh my God.”

“Are you recording?” Astrid asked and just as Dreia was trying to find the most flattering angle.

“Girl, give me a minute.”

“Hurry up!”

“Christ. All good now, your highness.” Dreia said as she hit record, “Wait, where’s your make-up?”

“Hold on,” Astrid slurred out as she grabbed her hand bag from the sofa.

“It’s in here somewhere.” She continued as she drunkenly dug into the insides of her bag.

“Right. And what’s your grand idea for this make up tutorial.”

“We are going to talk about…” Astrid said in a sing-song voice, elongating every word in her sentence. She then pulled out her make up kit and flashed Dreia a big grin.

“How to disappoint your mother and actually look the part!” Astrid revealed with the most obnoxious squeal.

“Oh God…”

Astrid quickly grabbed the half-empty bottle of tequila and took a swig straight from it. She heaved a sigh and slammed it back on the table.

“So! It’s time for a primer. To prepare your face for the foundation. You know, kinda like how you gotta prep yourself before you put on the mask of the perfect daughter.”

Astrid then proceeded to sing Reflection from Mulan off-key.

That earned her a snort from Dreia. Astrid grinned and sang even louder.

“This is gonna be a long night.” Dreia muttered to herself as she stared at Astrid doing her antics through the screen of her phone.

 -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

That night, Astrid dreamt of a sweet memory.

She was in a meadow – or was it a hillside? Either way, she had her back against the bark of a large tree as she sat next to a lanky teenage boy.

His skin was a sun-kissed shade of brown and his small eyes sneaking glances at Astrid. She found herself feeling shy under his stolen glances. Suddenly, she turned to him, meeting his gaze.

Almost immediately, he flushed a deep shade of red.

“What?” She asked, raising her hand to muffle the giggle slipping past her lips.

“It’s nothing, it’s just…” He trailed off, looking away with a shy frown, “You look good today, that’s all.”

“Are you saying I don’t look good every day?”

“No! I mean–”

“I’m just messing with you, Lee.” Astrid giggled as she allowed herself to rest her head on his shoulder.

A comforting silence sits between them for a few moments.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Astrid asked.

“Nothing much, I’m just thinking about something.” Lee replied.

“About what?”

“It’s nothing, I was just curious.”

“Curious about what?” Astrid prodded. Lee chuckled before turning his head to meet her gaze.

“I was just wondering… why you did it.”

Astrid frowns, “Did what?”

Suddenly, the dream changed and instead of the meadow, they were sitting on the hospital bench outside Lola Elisa’s room.

Astrid’s frown deepened as she absorbed the new environment. She turns to Lee only to find him dressed in an all-black suit.

“Why’d you leave me for Jerome, Astrid?”