Waves of Mistakes and Regrets

Sa buhay palaging nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Kahit gusto nating ibalik ang nakaraan na sana hindi na natin ginawa ang isang bagay ay sasampalin tayo ng realidad na hindi na ito puwedeng maibalik. At ang tanging maiisip na lang natin ay ang pagsisisi. Kaya nang napatingin ako sa hawak ko ay gusto kong sumigaw sa inis, lungkot at pagsisisi. I couldn't imagine I would be experiencing something I dreaded all my life.

Ang pregnant test na hawak ko ay may dalawang guhit. Looking at it now was a bomb that was killing my system. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Kaya hinawakan ko nang mahigpit ang hawak at pilit na ikinalma ang sarili. Parang gusto ko na lang maglaho na parang bula.

Kinuha ko ang bag ko sa gilid saka lumabas ng banyo namin. I framed my face using both of my hands. I sighed heavily then went straight outside. Kailangan kong kausapin si Zach tungkol dito.

Dumiretso ako sa office niya at mabilis naman akong nakapasok dahil kilala ako ng secretary niya.

"What are you doing here?" Bungad niya nang makita ako. He rose from his feet then moved near to me.

"I need to tell you something," sabi ko. Nanatili ang kanyang tingin sa akin. Alam kong tapos na kami. He clearly said it the last time we met.

"What?" Walang interes na sabi niya. "I told you to not see me anymore." Pagpapatuloy niya.

I swallowed the huge lump on my throat before I spoke.

"Buntis ako."

He stood there frozen while looking at me intently. Nakaawang ang labi nito na hindi makapaniwala sa salitang dineklara ko.

"What did you say?" Hinawakan niya ang braso ko. "Stop joking, Vell because I don't have time for your bullshits!"

"Hindi kita niloloko!" Kinuha ko ang pregnancy kit at pinakita sa kanya.

He masaaged his temple. "Putangina naman, Vell! I'm about to get married!"

Natulala ako sa narinig.

"Paanong ikakasal? Kay Samantha? I thought both of you were over."

"We're going to marry each other. So if you're doing this to spite me then stop it."

"It's yours, Zach. Alam mo 'yan. You were my first!"

"And so? Will that guarantee that I'm the father of your baby?"

"What? Hindi ako nagpapabuka kung kani kanino!"

"Then abort it! Fuck! I don't care!" He yelled while his chest was heaving.

"A-Ano?!" Hindi makapaniwalang bulalas ko. How could he blatantly say it without feeling any remorse? I looked at him with fury. Napayukom ang aking kamao.

Anak niya ang dinadala ko!

"I'm sure you heard it right. Sinabi ko ng ikakasal ako, hindi ba? Bakit ka pa bumalik? Sinabi ko na rin dati na umalis ka na at huwag magpapakita. Tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa akin 'yan? Don't make me force you to abort it. Just get rid of it whenever you want to. Wala akong balak panagutan 'yan."

Nangilid ang luha sa mga pisngi ko habang naririnig iyon kaya sa galit ko ay sinampal ko siya.

"How could you?! You should've not fucked me!"

"Damn it! You shouldn't have opened your legs for me!" He frustratedly raked his hair over his hair.

"Walang hiya ka!"

His eyes darkened and his jaw clenched. Napaatras ako nang hawakan niya nang mariin ang braso ko. "If you don't want to get rid of it then it's your choice. Buhayin mo 'yan o ano. Just get out of my life!"

Mahigpit ang kapit ko sa bag ko.

"Fuck you! Do you think you'll get the happy ending you deserve? I won't let that happen!"

Gusto ko siyang murahin muli Mabilis akong lumabas mula roon. Habang naglalakad ay sunod sunod na bumuhos ang luha ko.

I knew he hated me that much because I was one of the reasons why he and Samantha broke up. I just loved him so much to the extent that I offered myself to him. I thought he would love me the same way he did for Samantha but I realized it would never be enough for someone who never wanted me in the first place. Ako ang naghabol sa kanya at unang nagpakita ng motibo. I was fascinated with him so much that it led me to stupidity. Hinayaan ko lang ang sarili ko sa kanya.

Everytime we would meet, hindi iilang beses na ginagalaw niya ako. Hindi ko na masyadong inisip ang maaaring ang posibleng mangyari. Ang mahalaga lang sa akin ay kailangan niya ako.

Humingi ako ng tawad sa kanya dahil alam ko namang pinilit ko ang sarili sa kanya pero hindi ko aakalain na magbubunga ang ilang gabing p********k namin. I was pretty sure we used protection every time we do the deed. But it still turned out this way. I got pregnant.

I'm such a fool for falling in love with a guy who is heartless as him.

While I was walking, I found my way to a nearby clinic. Hindi ko rin naman gusto na buhayin at palakihin ito. Anong alam ko sa pagiging ina? I'm still a college student with nothing to prove in my life. Whatever I have right now is because of my family. I might be someone born and raised with a silver spoon, it still won't be enough reason for me to raise a baby. Paano ko rin sasabihin ito sa mga magulang ko? Sigurado rin akong itatakwil nila ako. I still have many plans and this baby shouldn't hinder me from reaching my dreams. My family has never been proud of me. They would always say how disappointed they were because of my poor choices, and I'm certain that getting pregnant would also be a reason for them to disown me.

"Are you sure about this?" The woman in her lab gown asked me.

"Yes," sagot ko.

"This is something that you cannot undo, hija. I'm going to give you time to think clearly," mahinahon niyang saad. She fixed her eyeglasses while looking at me.

"I said I'm sure of it," I firmly stated.

She looked at me for a while. "Well then, I guess you've decided already."

Huminga ako nang malalim. She made me lay on the bed. Getting rid of this baby is the right thing to do. Kailangan kong gawin ito. I told myself for a hundredth time. But my conscience started eating me up.

Napapikit na lamang ako. The woman was about to inject something on my body when I held her hand.

I would be a killer of my own baby if I did it.

"Stop," I firmly said.

"What? Are you changing your mind?"

Kinagat ko ang aking labi.

"I..." I teared up. "I don't want to get my child killed." I cried hard again. I may have made many mistakes in the past, but I don't want to live a life regretting about me cutting my own child's life.

"I'm sorry po." I stood up then ran away from there. "I don't want to kill my baby."

Ang sama kong ina dahil inisip kong ipalaglag ang anak ko. Ang sama sama ko. I sat down and cried hard again. Hinayaan ko lang ang sariling umiyak.

A little while later, I wiped my tears using my hand. My life might be a mess right now but my baby is innocent.

I've decided to protect my child no matter what. I would do whatever I can to make sure my child would live a life to the fullest.

Hindi ko na inisip ang consequences nito, ang mahalaga ay kasama ko ang baby ko. Ayaw man siya ng ama niya ay kaya ko naman siyang buhayin.

Tumayo ako sa kabila ng panginginig ng tuhod ko. Umiiyak pa rin ako habang binabaybay ang daan. Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong gagawin, at hindi ko rin alam kung paano sasabihin sa mga magulang ko ito. They would surely notice the changes in my body.

I was suddenly reminded of Zach's face a while ago. How he looked disgusted about the fact that he heard that I was pregnant. How he said those words like they didn't matter. How could he say it right in front of my face?

At ikakasal pa talaga siya, ha. That guy doesn't deserve to be happy. I gritted my teeth in anger. Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko. Hindi siya puwede maging masaya. Hindi puwede habang ako ay miserable! Hindi puwede!

I would do anything to make him regret throwing me away from his life. I would make his life miserable. The rain poured heavily witnessing my misery.

Meeting him is a mistake I would forever regret.

"You will never be happy, Zach. Remember this day."