Simula: Juana Escarzega

“¡Hija de puta, Juana!”

Sunod-sunod na kalansing ng kubyertos ang narinig ko, padabog na tinabing ni Papa ang plato kaya kumalat ang mga bubog sa sahig.

“Anim! Anim na taon na simula nung umalis ka sa lugar na ‘yon at lumayo!” I can already see where this is going. His daily sermon of reminding me how I messed up my life.

“Kung ang bawat galaw mo ay dini-depende mo pa rin sa lalaking ‘yon, dapat ay sumama ka nalang sa anak mo nung nawala siya!” His last remarks triggered me.

“Utang na loob, Pa! Do you hear yourself? Alam ko ang nagawa ko! Alam ko ang pagkakamali ko and I regret it every single time.” I shouted, making him stop.

“Sa totoo lang, Pa… Sa ating dalawa, ako ang mas may karapatan na ungkatin ang nakaraan. Dahil kung hindi dahil sa’yo… Kung hindi dahil sa inyo, Julia should've been alive! She could've seen this world despite how cruel it is to live here. Don’t blame me for the mistakes I made, because I had the chance to make it right… Yet you took it away from me.” Naghahabulan ang luha sa pisngi ko habang sinasabi ko iyon.

I ran outside and got inside my car. Ini-start ko ang kotse at nagmamadaling umalis. Laging ganito ang kinahihinatnan namin ni Papa simula nang umalis ako sa probinsya.

He became a constant reminder of my failure. In times like this, I could only wish for someone to comfort me. Lola’s gone, Lolo’s busy, Mom’s not here anymore. In the end, I only have myself.

Life starts at 30, ‘yan ang laging sinasabi ni Mama sa akin noon. Hindi pa raw dapat sini-seryoso ang mga bagay at dapat i-enjoy ang pagkabata. Ngayon ay naiintindihan ko na.

If I can only teach my young heart not to love and take things seriously, then I wouldn't have to deal with this never ending pain.

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A wound I can never possibly heal.

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"This is the final boarding call for passenger Juana Escarzega booked on flight 372A to the Philippines. Please proceed to gate 3 immediately. The final checks are being completed and the Captain will order for the doors of the aircraft to close in approximately five minutes time. I repeat, this is the final boarding call for Juana Escarzega. Thank you."

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Final what…?

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"Shit!" I picked up my bag and ran towards gate 3. Hindi ko namalayan ang oras dahil kanina pa ako nakatulala sa lounge, puyat din ako papunta rito kaya hindi ko na namalayan ang paulit-ulit na pag tawag kanina. Pagkatapos ng pag-uusap namin ni Papa, I’ve made up my mind.

I’m coming back.

As I arrived, the tropical breeze embraced me. The towering skyscrapers will never be a tiring view, it will always be my rest. Kahit pa marami nito sa Canada, iba pa rin ang dating sa akin ng lugar na ito. Manila is a place for me to be, lumaki ako rito bago ako kinuha ni Lola sa probinsya.

I wasn’t a big fan of the countryside but I learned to love it eventually.

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Paglabas ko ng airport, dinig ko na agad ang busina’t tunog ng mga sasakyan. The smell of familiar delicacies and the vibrant colours overwhelmed my eyes.

Very enticing.

Sa exit pa lang ay tanaw ko na ang driver na may hawak na banner, my name was printed on it. “Welcome home, Ms. Escarzega.” I smiled as a response and got my keys.

“I can handle it from here, kuya.” Yumuko siya at umalis, I never intended to hire a chauffeur in the first place. I wanted to spend my time here alone for my peace of mind.

I drove the car and cherished the view of the city. Talagang maraming nagbago sa lugar, it became a more innovative city. Sa bawat daan ay kabi-kabilaan ang mga posters at billboards ng kumpanya namin.

On the other hand, there were other faces I recognized. Business competitors, celebrity friends, old colleagues and… “Fuck!” I exclaimed when I suddenly stepped on the break.

Muntik na ako ro’n! Tumingala ako uli para tingnan ang billboard na nadaanan ko, hindi nga ako namalikmata. It was him! That damned Frentones heir.

Just seeing his face made me experience hell. Pina-andar ko ang sasakyan at huminto sa malapit na cafe. I needed a break, parang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa nakita.

“One iced matcha latte, please.” I ordered then got my card on my purse, inabot ko ito sa kaniya. Ngumiti naman ang barista at inabot ang resibo sa akin.

I found my way to the last seat on the corner of the café. The place was cozy, very welcoming. Ang motif nito’y mixture ng brown, beige, and white. The plants were neatly placed, I love it. Inikot ko ang tingin sa interiors at napansin na maraming clear glass walls.

The café was located near the street, kaya pag lingon mo’y kalsada agad ang makikita. Something caught my attention from the other side of the road. It’s the opening of a law firm.

“Helena & Haven.” It’s my name…

An idea crossed my mind, bahagya akong natawa. “Imposible naman siguro, right?” I reassured myself.

“Here’s your order, ma’am.” Sabay abot ng babae sa akin ng order ko na nakalagay maliit na paper cup holder. I smiled then got up. Paglabas ko’y nakatutok pa rin ang atensyon ko sa Law Firm. I let my curiosity lead my way, tumawid ako at tiningnan ang entrance nito.

Ribbon cutting?

Sa bagay, hindi naman solely for business ang ribbon cutting ceremonies. Yet in local law firms, I seldom see them planning things like this. The entrance buzzed with a mix of people, all looking sharp in their suits. I'd bet most of them are lawyers, with a sprinkle of corporate partners in the mix.

Maraming reporters ang nasa gilid, their flashes almost covered the whole scene. Malamang ay malaki ang impact ng firm na ito sa media kaya nagtutulakan ang iba maka-kuha lang ng magandang litrato. İt made me more intrigued.

However, something caught my attention.

Someone, rather.

He was dressed to the nines. Black leather shoes, covered in a well-sewn tuxedo. I know him, I will always recognize him. Ang tindig niya, ang pakiramdam na binibigay niya sa akin—it never changed, and I’m afraid it never will.

Sa gitna ng nagkukumpulang mga tao at sunod-sunod na ilaw, he was all that I could see. In the centre of this disarray place, my eyes were locked in him. His eyes, hazel pools that once drew me into the bright side of life.

"How can this be..." A tear fell from my eye, a silent witness to my disbelief.

Kahit pagkatapos ng ilang taon, ikaw pa rin.

Pagkatapos ng paghihirap, it’s still you who makes me feel this desperate for love. How could this be possible, Izo? How can I possibly stop?

For a moment, I felt like I couldn’t move. Sa sandaling ito, parang ayaw ko nang umalis. Ayaw kong ilayo ang titig ko sa kaniya, natatakot na baka hindi na maulit pa. Yet I know that I have to.

I need to.

I caught his eye, and for a heartbeat, I questioned if I was seeing things. But there it was, his gaze locking onto mine with intent, like he knew me somehow. Malalim, it was meaningful.

A connection beyond words. Pangungulila, gulat, at desperation. Napagtanto ko lang ‘yon nang makita ko siyang nagmamadaling tumakbo papunta sa direksyon ko.

That’s when it hit me. “Oh, no...” I ran. I bolted out of there, hauling as fast as my legs would carry me. Tinakbo ko at hindi na ako nag-balak pang lumingon. I got back to where I parked my car at sa pagmamadali ay natapon ang inorder kong inumin.

Ang totoo, minsan lang tayo nagkakamali pagkatapos gawin ang bagay na alam nating pagsisisihan natin. As for me, this is something I shouldn’t have done, at sana'y mayroon man lang akong kaunting pagsisisi, pero wala.

Dahil sa loob-loob ko, alam kong gusto ko ‘to. I wanted this so bad that I can’t find the slightest amount of guilt in my system.

There is always a next time. But for him and I, pangarap na lang ‘yon. Pangarap na alam kong hindi ko maaaring makuha.

“What have you done to me, Izo?”