Hell

 No feelings, no emotions, just walking through life as a corpse. Feeling the only burn inside of a red hot flame burning your mind into tiny cinders of nothing. It’s everything and everyone that causes your despair, pain, and heartbreak.  

 Your brain eating away with tiny nibbles because of the complaints you have against yourself. Slowly you make yourself uglier and more pathetic until there is nothing left but empty space where once was a normal human being.  

 The pressure of continuing life becomes so strong that the only way to make it easier is to watch the blood drip out of your body. A long silver blade ignites your only final resolution.  

 Naturally, hell is not the perfect face or the perfect body, and it is certainly not the perfect life. It is alone with the constant ache of a love that will never come to pass. There will be no fluffy marshmallows passing by your dark baren existence or beautiful ladies with long feathering wings granting wishes. Hell is like an infernal, burning at your insides until you can’t take it anymore and have no choice but to shriek from sheer exhaustion from the constant aches in your soul. It’s like a hammer cracking your head open. Blood and oozing brains spill out of the mind you once had before hell came into the picture. Hell is like life without your mate.  

 I lived every single day like this for the last almost two years hoping and praying that there would be some sign of life from Rogan. It had been the only thing I had woken up for each and every day was some sort of search, message, or even a change in the wind that would lead me to him. However, it had not come. Instead, I was left marked by my mate and the only way for him to come back was to find me. Without the marking ceremony completed Rogan and I had no connection and there was no way for me to just run to get him. Mated wolves had a connection where they could almost always find the other but instead, I was left with the ache knowing I had a mate who had disappeared into the woods the day of our mating ceremony not to be seen again.  

 The thousands of searches and the exhaustion of the Alpha himself searching every cranny of every place he could think of trying desperately to find his son. His son had given permission to go to the woods that night and had never returned. The Luna ached for her firstborn as a mother does, longing for one last touch, one last smile, one last anything. Corgan and Roe were faced to try to continue with life without their hero, their best friend, who was supposed to be the sibling they grew up with for life.  

 The entire pack had been at a standstill ever since Rogan was gone at least for the mood. Things changed but those closest to Rogan felt like they had barely moved. Laura and Rollo although still together in some ways and not yet mated. Laura refused to do anything but focus on the clinic and me. Sophia and Laura plunged on with the clinic and it was now fulling functioning. It was probably the one good thing that had happened because the healthcare for the pack had been updated and now more lives were saved. There was the addition of two other clinics with fully functioning clinics in both, Margo ran one at the further end of the pack lands. Caroline had made vast changes to the way the white wolves functioned and now many did’ even live at the house as before. Caroline did not have attendees and refused to allow anyone to just serve her instead she focused more on how to develop the white wolf skills for all. Clara opened up her shop and created beautiful dresses for all. I had yet to wear another dress of hers however since that night. There was no need.  

 The only thing I focused on was how to get Rogan back. So besides the sorrow, feeling empty, and barely surviving I focused on my powers. Sarah had been a great help and I’d learned to not only control others' emotions but manipulate them to my advantage. I had also worked a great deal on sparring and fighting with Erin’s help and was able to take even the larger opponent down now without issue. The Alpha knew all of my new skills and had allowed me to join him on man-scouting parties that included hopes of locating Rogan.  

 There was no sign of the Red Crescent Pack since but the Mystic Moon Pack had been able to take out many of the red wolf stragglers that very night. All of them died with the exception of our still-incarcerated Gorm because at the time the Alpha was in a rage about losing his son and nobody was left to tell the tale any longer than that.  

 The Alpha himself had changed and barely focused on the runnings of the daily for the pack as he used to. He was focused on building his security enabling the best warriors to fight alongside him and above all trying to find his son. He had changed into someone darker than before with barely a laugh or a smile. The Luna took over the day-to-day trying to remain busy so she didn’t have to focus on her loss as much. They had both allowed me to stay in Rogan’s room although they would have faced my wrath if they had forced me to leave. I could not be away from this room because it was the only place I felt like he was still there. I imagined him smiling at me when we first woke up, leaning against the counter in the small kitchenette, changing his clothes in the walk-in closet, and all the beautiful memories of before. It didn’t matter what happened in the middle as long as he returned to me.  

 Almost everyone had given up hope on Rogan returning and even the Luna secretly moved towards Corgan being the future Alpha. It was in secret and although most in the pack house were aware of her plans the Alpha said nothing. He could not think of such a thing and neither could I. If Corgan was named the future Alpha all things would change and I think in both of our minds it meant that were giving up on the idea that Rogan would never return.  

 Although there had been no sign of him or word. This also meant that the Red Cresent Pack may still have him alive. It was very likely if he had died that they would send out word of their actions and take claim for weakening the Mystic Moon Pack. All the packs that surrounded us continued to declare loyalty but secretly there was a fear they too may turn on us because there was word that the once great Alpha was weakened and crazed by the loss of his son. He did not know the day to days of what the pack did anymore and that made him weak and unaware of the schemes that were right beside him.  

 As for Gorm, I continued with my talks with him several times a week. Gorm had sorrow now and a realization he may be stuck with us forever more because there were no attempts to rescue him. I had grown fond of him and he of me. The Alpha now trusted us to even leave the prison walls and go for walks with guards but he knew that I was just as strong as Gorm now so there was little fear. With this new relationship built Gorm had even told us where the Red Cresent Moon pack had been but when we arrived they had all but packed up and left. We’d learned a great deal about how they lived which was in the woods with minimal housing, scavenging for food, and surviving only off the land. They did not have a functional clinic, only a wolf that had knowledge of medicine so many when injured died. The leader, Athena, who I meant only briefly had taken over the pack when they killed my Grandmother Estrid, and my father Magnus. She was the servant of my grandmother and therefore declared herself the most reasonable wolf to take over. Athena had a deceitful side that only now Gorm was aware of because in the beginning the plan was simple for him to go rogue and discover what he could to help them capture him but in the end, all things changed when Gorm was captured. She had promised him that he would be retrieved no matter what and welcomed back to the pack but she never came. Gorm had been heartbroken when he realized that Athena and he were mated at one time. They were not true mates but we had also learned because the pack would not leave unless outcast and killed they had no choice but to mate their untrue mate to continue to grow and survive.  

 Gorm had become useful and was treated better because of it which allowed him freedom. Still, he was unable to tell us where the Red Cresent Moon pack was and I had grown discouraged by our talks. I continued them only because of the bond we had built and the face that Gorm had been able to tell me what my mother’s name was, Priscilla, the descendent of the first white wolves. It now had put the puzzle together and explained why my powers were stronger than even the typical white wolf or even the typical red wolf. The moon goddess had chosen my father and my mother to create me. It was all I knew.  

 Even with the time that had gone by and the strength I had grown, I had not seen my family again in my dreams. I felt they left me just as Rogan did. I mourned them too and the answers they could help me with and even though my wolf grew strong, there was a disconnect between her and me that was put their that day. Still, I continued hoping for some glimpse of hope.