Perhaps

Blaire

If my chest were like a sack, I would cut it open and remove my heart. If my heart were not so good at serving two goals, pumping blood and making big deals out of nothing, I would have removed it and crushed it into a thousand pieces. If my heart could be removed, I would wash it clean, turn it inside out and wash it clean again before returning it into my chest. Maybe then, I would stop being hunted by these terrible emotions. Maybe then, I wouldn't feel so strongly about everything that I saw. Maybe then, I wouldn't spend every day stewing away in my own tears, but sadly, all of these are but thoughts. My body is made of flesh and bones, thoughts and feelings, things that were not so easily expunged.

I sat in the swing, my legs dangling just above the ground, my head resting on its arm, my hand holding its weight. To say I was lost in thoughts would be an epic understatement. Right now, emotions were swirling within me like an overheated pot of thick soup. Each bubble sent tiny splashes which landed all over me, causing stings wherever it landed. The pain was so intense that I found it difficult to breathe. The worst part of all? I could not point at the exact thing that was wrong with me.

Sure, Indrik had saved that maid. Sure, Indrik had defended her by taking all the blame for the poison. Sure, they had left the room together. Sure! Sure! Sure... All of that meant nothing. They were just master and maid and doing these for each other was only right. Right? Even as I thought it this, the more rational part of me warned me that I was only fooling myself but I refused to give that part any time of day. More because I was certain that I would be destroyed by my own pain if I gave it any more thought that I had to.

I tried to think about the good times. The times that I would sit Indrik down and make him into a masterpiece. Sure, at the end of it, he ended up looking more like a princess than a knight in shining armor but he still managed to look so pretty. I tried to imagine his toothy grin which he only showed when he was in an extremely good mood. These were rare and far between which was why I treasured every single one of them. Each time he had smiled and the reason he had was carefully stored away in a loss-proof part of my mind.

There was the time I had agreed to train with him. I think he had been around twelve at the time while I had been ten. Yeah, my feelings for him did go that far back. At that time, I had thought it to be an affection that I had for my closest friend but over time, I had come to find that what I felt was much more than that. On that day, he had been sad because he had been turned away by Beta Green when he had gone to plead that he be allowed to train. The Beta had informed him that he would never become a warrior which had broken his heart. I had been searching for my friend when I had seen him sitted on one of the steps that led to the garden. It had taken a lot of effort to pry the reason for his bad mood out of him and when I finally did, I offered to train with him.

I still recalled the hopelessly fragile look that had landed on his face as he had looked up at me. "Do you really mean that?" He had asked, his voice trembling with hope and fear.

"Of course!" I had promised and had been rewarded with that bright smile that warmed my entire body, sending a wave of warmth that made my scalp tingle and my toes curl. That had suddenly made it worth it.

That hadn't ended so well though. My heart twisted as I thought about how I had gotten a sudden burst of power and threw him over my shoulder. He had landed with a yelp and given me a crestfallen look. I had called after him but he didn't stop till he was far away from me. He had cried himself to sleep. Needless to say, that was the last time he ever trained with me. All my other attempts to get him to train with me proved abortive, something which hurt me as much as it did him.

I had wished I could cut off my arms which had brought such misfortune to me. Even now, my heart filled with bitterness as I wondered if that was somehow responsible for the gap that had appeared between us. Perhaps, if I had not stupidly hurt him, he would have continued to train with me and we would have made more memories. Perhaps then, he would have realized his love for me by now. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. That seemed to sum up my life. Perhaps if I had not given him that bow which had snapped and hit him in the face with a force so hard, it knocked him out cold. Perhaps if I had trained more and been able to help him unlock his wolf. Perhaps if I had been there on the day Leon and his bunch of foolish friends had beaten him up so much that he had run from the palace. Perhaps...

A tear slid down my face, rolling into my mouth. I spat out the salty taste and immediately wiped away my tears. My fears were ridiculous. I was pretty certain he felt the same way I felt for him. The maid was only that. A maid. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't realized I had company until a voice startled me so much I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Perhaps that would not have been so bad....