Horrible

Blaire

"What are you doing out here?" A voice asked, nearly sending me rolling out of my swing. For a very blissful moment, I thought that the voice was Indrik's. Maybe I wasn't so pathetic after all. My cheeks warmed as my heart started to beat like a drum being beaten by several hands in perfect rhythm. My lips curled in a brilliant smile as I jumped out of the swing and turned around certain that he had learned his mistake. His maid had shown him her true colours and he had returned to me, the only one who would ever truly accept him with open arms. I could barely hold my legs from knocking against each other in my excitement.

"Ind..." I started, opening my arms but the rest of the words died in my throat as I spotted the person who had spoken. I dropped my arms and my face froze as an involuntary scowl settled on my face. "Ulo!" I called coldly, the name rolling off my tongue like food that had undergone a major existential crisis in the kitchen.

"Sorry!" He muttered, his hands suddenly seeming too busy. He could not decide where to keep them. Now, they were in his robe, then behind him, then in his hair, then in the swing, then back to his robe against which he rubbed them vigorously. I could see that he was feeling extremely uncomfortable and probably would have done or said something to make him feel more comfortable but I simply wasn't in the mood. As a matter of fact, it was all I could do to not bark at him to get out of here. "I just saw you sitting out here and was wondering if you perhaps needed this." He stretched an arm in which he held a carefully folded robe which I must have missed earlier. "It is pretty cold out tonight."

"Tonight!" I muttered, looking up at the sky as if to confirm. It really was tonight. The moon, missing about a quarter of its full size hung brilliant in the sky exuding radiant rays. All around it, tiny stars twinkled beautifully reminding me of a song that I had taught to Indrik to sing when he looked up at the stars. I could not recall where I had learnt it but I could still remember the day I had taught him. I blinked out of my thoughts. I was certain that I had come here in the early hours of the evening. Had I really been lost in thoughts for that long? A shiver raced down my spine forcing a shaky exhale out of me. He was right. It really was cold our here.

"Are you okay?" His voice sounded so friendly and concerned that I felt horrible for having spoken to him like that.

Already at the height of emotions, I could barely control myself as I bit back a sob. His eyes widened as he stared at me. I could see that he wanted to move closer but his inhibitions held him back which was just as well. I didn't trust myself to continue being calm if I allowed him come too close.

"You are crying." He sounded suspiciously like he was going to cry as well.

I raised my head and glared at him then whimpered as I realized that I probably did not look all that vicious with puffy eyes and trembling lips. I lowered my head and started to weep silently.

"Blaire? Are you okay? I mean...what is wrong? I mean... How can I help?" He stumbled over his words like he usually did when he was nervous. I knew that he preferred to avoid getting involved with others which informed me of just how much he must be battling with himself right now. That only made me feel more horrible.

"Please, leave." I cried hoarsely.

"What?" He gave me a wounded look which eerily reminded me of the look Indrik had given me all of those years ago but I couldn't afford to have it any other way. I knew he was trying to help but there wasn't really much he could do.

"I need to be alone. Please."

He looked even more miserable as his shoulders slumped and he dropped the robe on the swing from which I had sprung up only so recently. If I hadn't been so distraught, I would have been shocked beyond words that Ulo Green, one of the strongest wolves in the pack who also happened to be the most composed would ever look so frail. "You'll be okay, right?" He asked tentatively but I had already turned my back. I didn't turn until the sound of his footsteps receded. Then, my own shoulders dropped as I started to sob.

I collapsed to the ground as I bawled my heart out wishing I could do that in a not so figurative way. I had no idea how long I remained there just pouring out my pain in wordless cries and whimpers but when I finally stopped crying and was assailed with hiccups, the calm that flowed through me made me feel much better even if I knew it was only temporary. I was already familiar with this seemingly endless and vicious cycle. My heart would start to moan with pain from being kept away from its other part, then I would cry and in the aftermath, rest, if only temporarily from the pain but even then, I knew that the pain would return soon enough. The question was how long?

With it gone though, I rose from the floor to the swing. I recoiled as my hand landed on something strange. For a moment, I was consumed with blind panic but I calmed when I saw that it was the cloth that Ulo had brought earlier.

I picked it up and unfurled it, wrapping it around my shoulders. I whimpered as I recalled how I had treated him. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing this much pain because I was such a horrible person. It was all my fault.