Chapter Four

Never did Sane think that Ride was capable of doing such a thing. He was just fifteen years old for Pete's sake. He should be living the normal teenage life where he had nothing to worry about because that was how things should be. That was the reason why Sane kept on telling his brother that he shouldn’t worry about the problems that their family had been facing as he was doing his best to cater to their needs, although it would be hypocritical of him to say that they no longer struggled at times.

It made him feel utterly dejected upon realizing that their problems could have been affecting Ride still even after everything and every effort that he exerted. Maybe there were really things that he had no control of.

Sane was feeling very uneasy as they were in the taxi, having little to do but to wait, and to feel the hard beating of his heart against his chest. The world was a blur outside, and he could feel himself shaking uncomfortably which he was trying to suppress. Beside him, his mom had been crying and shivering since he saw her. Hearing her cries was certainly not helping him calm down.

It broke his heart to tiny little pieces. He wanted to ease her pain but he could only do little to help her as the news had also gotten into him. The only thing that he could do was to pray to God to keep his brother safe.

Everything will be alright.

He kept repeating it to his head while embracing his mom tightly. The only thing he could do was hope for everything to be alright. It was frustrating that he was left with nothing to do but to hope and to pray.

"Sir, can you speed up, please?" he politely asked the driver. He shut his eyes tightly before muttering his soft prayers.

That felt like the longest ride that he had ever been in his life, and the more he stayed there, the more he felt the need to see his brother. The more the time ticked, the heavier his chest became.

When they reached the hospital, he felt like passing out. Although the urge to see his brother was intense, there was still a lingering feeling in his chest, a lingering feeling of wanting to back away. But it was already too late to do so, it was inappropriate to do so as his mom needed him the most at that moment. He knew he needed to set aside his personal feelings. He knew he needed to be strong.

They were almost running as they searched for the emergency room. He had been to this hospital two times in his whole life and it was all because of Ride. That was the third time, and his brother was still the reason. That was why he never liked the hospital as he’d always be reminded of the reasons why he used to visit there. It was always about something bad.

Everything was a blur before they entered the room. He couldn’t even remember how they managed to talk to the hospital attendant, and how he managed to search for the room itself. When they reached Ride’s room, his mom was looking utterly pale as he assisted her inside.

The hospital was busy as usual, and Sane could hear different noises from where he was standing. That was also one of the reasons why he hated the hospital. He hated hearing the cries of people, their mourning, as he’d be reminded how short life was, and that any day, any moment, death would come to pick someone up.

Ride was already transferred to a separate room which Sane was thankful for as the room was lighter in comparison to the emergency room, although he really couldn’t say that it was light to begin with.

He forced himself not to let his emotions get the better of him. If he’d ever breakdown, then he took note not to do so in front of his family.

He maintained a stoic expression when he entered the room together with his mom who was still not okay. Silence lingered in the air that was immediately gone when his mother started wailing.

She dropped every single thing she was holding before hugging Ride who was peacefully sleeping.

Sane looked away before biting his lip. He could already feel the tears but he bit his lip a little bit more just to stop them from falling. He sighed in relief. "Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you," he whispered.

When he was able to calm himself, he walked towards his brother carefully. Their mommy was calmer as she was no longer crying hard, but he knew that there were still a lot of things that were running through her mind. Sane could only imagine how painful it could’ve been for her as she was the person who saw Ride in that situation, and she also probably didn’t see it coming like he did. 

"I-I saw him in his room. There were sachets of the drug everywhere, Sane. He wasn’t moving, but his eyes were open. He was very pale.” She sobbed, holding Ride's hand tightly. Sane felt a pang in his tightening chest upon hearing that. He wanted to tell her to stop talking and to rest but he could only stare, frozen at the spot he was standing on. "I- thought...if I didn’t call immediately...if I didn’t call—”

He embraced his mom, cutting her off before caressing her back. "Shhhh. He’s already fine, Mom.. You don't have to worry, okay? God wouldn’t forget about us—"

"W-Was I lacking? Am I not a good mom? W-Why did he think of doing that?”

Sane looked up before biting his lip once more. His chest was tight, and he could feel his tears wanting to fall, but he forced himself not to. He was feeling a lot of emotions that they were already hard to grasp. At that moment, he felt terribly ashamed and disappointed with himself.

They were never the kind of people who opened up a lot. They minded their own businesses, respected each other but they never talked much about their personal problems. It must be the reason why Sane grew up to be independent. He was used to taking all the responsibility for his problems. He had seen a lot of things that had been experienced by their family. He thought that his personal issues should be kept all by himself. He didn't want to be a bother.

They were never that kind of family in the first place.

Now, thinking about everything, he had realized that Ride could've been mentally unhealthy all along. The boy never showed he was struggling. He was always smiling, silly, even. Sane wondered how  people who showed such happiness felt so much pain inside.

Sadness is such a mysterious thing.

It was terrifying how things could turn out like that. How someone who seemed so happy could do such a thing, could feel like ending everything.

When the tension in the room subsided, he was able to breathe more freely. Yet even so, the feeling of shame and hatred towards himself was still there. He would often just stare at an empty space with an empty mind. He didn't know what exactly he was thinking. It was just like those times when he would just sit in a corner and idle.

He snapped his eyes and saw his mom sleeping soundly beside Ride. Her arms were around his brother, as if she was afraid of losing him. Sane was also afraid of losing him. The moment he had heard the news, he wanted to fly towards the hospital and see if he was okay. He managed to remain composed amidst his strong emotions. He was the pillar of the roof, holding for it to be stable. If he were to break, everyone else would break.

Ride still hadn’t woken up, but the doctor said that he’d be awake in an hour, and that they'd just need to wait.

Sane sat up before walking towards the bed. He stared at their sleeping faces before letting out a long sigh. Ride was sleeping with a soft expression in his face. If someone were to look at him that didn't know why he was there, they wouldn't even guess the reason why he was there in the first place. His sadness never radiated, and even with his sleeping countenance, he didn't see the hint of sadness that was obviously there.

He wondered why terrible things happened to good people when they deserved so much happiness and peace of mind.

It was one of the mysteries of the world. Happiness was everywhere but finding the exact reason to be happy was the harder part. That was why even when there were a lot of reasons that could make someone happy, there will always be a person who wouldn't feel any bit of happiness at all.

Sane sighed before placing a long kiss on Ride's forehead. "I love you," he whispered.

He needed time with himself as the room was suffocating him. The walls felt like they were slowly enclosing him, and if he wouldn't get out of there sooner, he wouldn't be able to survive. With a heavy heart, he quietly left the room and the hospital.

As soon as he was out of the parameter, the tears he had been holding for a few hours started racing down his cheeks. The tightening of his chest made his breathing ragged and unsteady. He was almost gasping for air. Clutching the hem of his clothes, he didn't care where he was heading. He just let his feet take him anywhere. What he wanted was to get away from the eyes that seemed to be watching him as he never asked for an audience.

He just let the tears roll down his cheeks. He needed a good cry to keep him sane. He let out a shaky laugh with the realization. He was Sane but he felt more insane than feeling more sane. Ironic and wretched. What a pity.

"How can you keep other people happy when you can't even get yourself to be happy, huh, Sane?" he asked himself before laughing which only broke midway.

"Sane's insane." He grinned. "Sane's insa—Damn!" he cursed. The last thing he knew, he was already on the ground. His leather shoes caught a sharp stone, piercing it a little. Luckily, it didn’t tear his skin. "Sorry, God," he said when he realized he said a bad word.

He turned his eyes towards a bronze-colored gate with a big sign at the top that had little angels carved into it.

Sepulchre of the Fallen.

Sane’s forehead was creased when he slowly got up. He felt the aching pain on his knees and back, causing him to almost curse in pain.

Unlucky. That was how he would describe his day. He wondered if it was because of—he shook his head. It was only a rumor in the first place. It had never been proven to be true.

He took a deep breath before wincing when he felt the pain around his body. 

He wiped his face using his sweater before wrinkling his nose. His forehead was creased when he noticed what was on the other side of the gate. He swallowed upon realization. 

He was at a cemetery. He knew about it. The owner of Penny Lane hospital made a cemetery for the people who died in the hospital itself. The less-fortunate people who died, and couldn't afford to be buried in other cemeteries were also buried there.

It was such a sad thing to think that those people fought for their lives but they had fallen in the end.

A cold wind brushed against his neck, sending shivers down to his spine.

He looked back. There was no one, besides the people inside the hospital that he could see from where he was standing.

He reached for the gate and swung it open. He held his breath. He could feel his heart beating so fast. It was a dumb thing to do, to enter a random cemetery. He didn’t even know what he was doing there, but there was something that was pushing him to enter.

Breathing deeply, he stepped inside.

I'm not scared of ghosts. Besides, the sun’s still here.

He muttered soft prayers before scrutinizing the place.

It was just like those usual cemeteries. The difference was that the graves were placed in a good manner. In the middle of it stood a big cross.

It was as silent as a ghost. The trees were still and steady and whenever he stepped, he could hear the crunching of the leaves.

He wondered how those fallen lived their lives. He wondered whether someone shared the same experience with him.

He remembered the sleeping face of Ride. He shut his eyes close before biting his lip. His chest tightened, but he no longer wanted to cry. It was such a bad place to cry.

Don't cry, Sane.

If he had asked Ride about his problems, would things change?

And his mom, God, his mom. He had never seen such sadness in her eyes. She was heartbroken when his dad was sent to jail, but the sadness that he saw in her eyes was different.

He swore before that he wouldn't make his mom sad. He didn't like seeing her sulking and sad. He wanted to give her everything, he wanted to give them everything. But he couldn't. 

He could only pray for them. And that was what he did.

He spent a few more minutes just praying before deciding to go.

He was about to walk away when a tombstone caught his eye. It caught his attention because unlike any other tombstones, the only thing that was carved there was her name. There wasn't even the date of death that was carved alongside with it.

He brushed a few leaves away to read the name clearly.

Seleen Y. De Castro.

He felt shivers running down his spine, and the hard thumping of his hard against his chest. There was something strange and creepy about the tomb as that was the first time that he had ever seen such a thing. He also couldn't help but wonder about how she died, and the age that she died. Those questions rested against his back, making him feel as if there was something crawling under his skin.

It felt terrifying.

"They said that she killed herself.” And he could only scream when he felt a hand rest at the top of his shoulders.

He jumped and immediately closed his eyes, shouting, "God will provide!"

He heard laughter echoing after that. It sounded familiar. He slowly open his eyes, and saw the amused face of his close friend, Haniel. She almost rolled down the ground laughing.

Haniel was Daniel's twin sister, and she also happened to be Sane's best friend. They had known each other since they were young, and he knew the girl to be utterly playful so most of the time, he'd always expect her to scare him. However, he wasn't expecting her to be there. Maybe she saw him enter the cemetery, and decided to scare the hell out of him.

"I swear to God, Lady! You almost killed me!" he shouted, but she only laughed more. Sane couldn't help but frown at her, his lips pouting. She knew how Sane easily got scared that was why she was so good at scaring him.

Not to mention that the tomb that he was looking at a while ago was really scary as is.

"The S in Sane stands for scared," she said, grinning.

"The R in Haniel stands for respect," he said before making a face.

She nodded, smiling before grinning once more. She walked beside him before dropping her gaze to look at the tomb. "Why were you even staring at it? You looked so serious, it was really funny. If you've only seen your face!" she said, giggling.

Sane rolled his eyes. "Nothing. It's just weird how the tomb is just like that," he answered, still staring at the tombstone, carving her name into his mind as well.

Haniel patted his shoulder before shrugging. "Maybe there are things that are better left undiscovered. We'll never know," she answered. "By the way, you shouldn't be staying here as the weather has already gone colder, and you aren't even wearing a sweater for heaven's sake."

Sane dropped his gaze to look at himself, and realized that he was no longer wearing the sweater that he was wearing a while ago. He hadn't even noticed it, probably because he was utterly preoccupied about the incident. He had no idea where he left it, probably in the taxi, but he wasn't so sure. He also felt colder upon realization, making him shiver a little.

"I heard about the news, Sane. How's Ride?" she asked.

Sane looked away before licking his lips. He sighed. "He's fine now. The doctors said that he'd be awake any moment."

Haniel patted his back, probably in an attempt to console him. "That's great! Let's just think positively, okay? He'll be fine. He'll be fine." he said. "Let’s just head inside. Mommy’s there, and you wouldn't want to miss him waking up."

Haniel held his arm before gently pulling him away. He just let him be, and walked alongside her. However, he still felt the urge to look back at the grave once again as if it was calling for him. The thought sent shivers down to his spine.

He shook his head before looking away. Maybe his mind had been so tired for him to think about those things. From those black eyes to the strange tombstone, things were weird, and he wasn't sure he understood everything that was happening.

Was she really true? Did he really see her?

Afterall, what he was thinking might be it.

Hopefully, it wasn't. Hopefully.