Chapter Seven

The first day of school was nothing much for Sane to remember. He could only remember much about the leaves falling, the cold breeze brushing against his skin, and the fast beating of his heart.

He was nervous, alright, very. When his mom kissed him goodluck, he knew he needed to do good, even better. He hadn’t felt the same desperation and motivation before. He hadn’t felt so driven to be better. Although Sane still hadn't talked to anyone regarding his scholarship because he didn’t really feel the need to do so. It would only put himself in a worse light, having to answer his friends’ concerns about his problem. He didn’t want that. Nikolaj and he hadn’t seen each other for almost a week already, and they weren’t that close for him to demand his appearance and update about the help that he talked about. 

Unlike before, he couldn't look at the professors the same way even when they would greet him as he passed by in the hallways. He’d only smile at them a little, and never stopped to talk to them unlike what he usually did before. 

He used to approach teachers to ask them about their day, and sometimes they’d even approach him firsthand, making a conversation about anyone. One of his professors even told him that he felt like her own child that was why she was comfortable talking to him. They also knew about his family’s financial situation, and why he was pursuing his schooling and working at the same time. They had even offered him some help which he politely declined as Sane didn’t really like the feeling of being indebted. Moreover, someone had overheard those conversations, and for a few weeks, he became a hot topic in the university for being the teachers’ pet, although he didn’t really consider himself one.

Most people would prefer to stop schooling, and work instead when placed in the same circumstance that he was in. However, for Sane, he thought that he’d only waste more time if he stopped schooling. He was taught about the importance of his diploma. That was why even when it was really tough at times, he still chose to continue. He thought he could balance work and school pretty well. He thought. 

Sane knew that his teachers probably didn’t know about his scholarship termination, and he was glad that they had no idea as they didn’t want them to know. The only thing that they knew was how his grades became lower last semester as before the semester ended, two of his professors asked him what was the problem that he was facing so that they could help him address it. Thinking that it was nothing, Sane just told them that it was nothing. 

If he were to be honest, he never really saw the scholarship termination even after he found out that he had utterly low grades last semester, but his belief was easily cut short. He told no one. He told no one because he knew how heavy their expectations of him were. They looked at him as someone responsible, and someone who could overcome anything easily, may it be in terms of academics or the sort. And maybe, Sane wasn’t also used to asking other people for help. That must be the reason why he almost exploded, he had been keeping everything to himself. 

It was an undeniable fact that Sane was quite known in the university, although he wasn’t as popular as The Dotish, he was known by his own little ways. People would run to him whenever they had trouble with certain things. Sometimes it’d be about academics as he was already a senior, and they wished to ask for his notes from his previous years in the university. But sometimes it’d also be about other things as he was also the vice president of the student council. They said that he was utterly approachable, helpful and responsible. That might also be the reason why he won his place in the student council. 

Moreover, he was the oldest brother of the batch as he was a year older than all of his batchmates. That made him feel the weight of the responsibility even more as they looked up to him, thinking that he was this made-up responsible and perfect student which he thought that he really wasn’t. 

Sure, it was not everyone that liked as there were also a number of people who would stab him on the back, just like how someone spread the rumor that he was the teachers’ pet, and he was only getting good grades because he’d talk his professors towards it.

He knew that it wasn’t the case, and he was able to prove that wrong when he stopped being a university scholar because of his low, almost failing marks. Soon, the rumor died out as fast as it appeared.

What if they’d know about his failures, and even him attempting suicide?

Whoever spread the rumor about him would only do the same, and Sane thought that it’d do him more bad than good, especially when he was feeling emotionally uneasy since his scholarship termination happened.

Sane couldn’t really remember much about his first day as nothing much happened. First days of school in Penny Lane University usually mean free days as professors did not really go to their specific classes. That was why he could see freshmen roaming around the campus, finding their respective classrooms even when there weren’t really classes to begin with. 

He avoided people as much as he could, only to realize later on how big of a mistake it was because the next day, they came asking him what the problem was.

Obviously, they noticed. Who wouldn’t notice when it wasn’t his usual demeanor? He was known to be friendly and active in the first place. 

They were in their usual seats in the cafeteria, and there were at least fifteen people on the long table. His companions weren't all his batchmates. Some came from the lower batches as well. That was the good thing about the University of Penny Lane. Little to no one got left out and if somebody ever went to do things alone, it was his choice and everyone would be very open to invite them again.

They all had their eyes fixed at him which immediately made Sane feel awkward, He felt uncomfortable sitting there, feeling their intense stares against his skin.

Him being silent failed to divert their attention, only turning it to him even more.

"Oy, nothing. I wasn't just in the mood yesterday," he told them off with a chuckle.

They didn’t look very much convinced so Sane waved his hand before shaking his head. “You guys should stop putting deeper meaning to shallow things. There are things we should leave as is. I’m fine.” He put a thumb up. “I’m fine.”

And just like that, even when they looked as if they really wanted to know everything that had been going on in his life, the topic was diverted into something else.

That was also the thing with a group that consisted of lots of people. In order for anyone to not feel left out, they didn’t focus on a single person alone because other people needed to be acknowledged as well, and no one wanted to feel that someone was being left out just because the group was focusing on a specific person alone. 

It was sad, but Sane was used with those kinds of scenarios.

He could say that he didn’t really have a lot of close friends even when there were a lot of people who knew him. It was only Haniel who he usually went with in the university. Although there were people who’d often ask if he was okay whenever they’d see him, not his usual self. 

That was it was easier for Sane to pretend as if everything was going on well unlike when he’s with people who truly knew him better. In his case, it was Haniel. However, they weren’t the type of best friends that would stick around with each other every single minute. They weren’t that clingy, they wouldn’t even talk for days at times, and people didn’t see them going around together all the time. 

Sane and Haniel knew each other very well, and they talked as if they were siblings. But that was the end of it. They acknowledged personal space, personal freedom, and they both didn’t want their lives only to revolve around each other, especially when they didn’t have the exact same preferences. 

They subconsciously agreed not to close the doors for other people.

However, if one of them had problems, the other would be there to help. It was the kind of friendship that Sane valued the most as it wasn’t that high maintenance, something that he couldn’t afford to give considering his circumstance. He even considered time as a luxury that he didn’t wish to waste on something superficial, although he wasn’t saying that friendship was superficial. 

Something had changed upon growing up, and after everything that he had faced and experienced. He no longer shared his troubles more than he did before. Maybe because he knew that it wasn’t just him who had problems in the world, or maybe because he had also been used to carrying the weight of his responsibilities. He was used to people asking him for help, and not the other way around.

But even after everything, Sane had always been comfortable with Haniel. Haniel felt like home. Every stupid thing he did, she would just laugh it off and tease him a little bit. She was a great listener, of course, and a great friend, a great lady. She knew how to read him very well.

If she weren't Haniel, his best friend, he would have fallen for her. She could easily bewitch anyone with her wits, her guts and her soul. But that was it, that was the end of it. They were only best friends, and Sane couldn’t see himself falling for her. It was such a big risk. 

The moment they entered college together, they had established and set a boundary between the both of them, a boundary that they weren’t bound to cross, and they were bound to respect. And maybe it was also because they had grown too comfortable with each other that their relationship had remained platonic even after everything. 

No romance in between, unlike in novels. He was also certain that he wasn’t Haniel’s type as he knew the kind of guys that she liked. Life wasn’t just like the movies. 

He turned his head to look at her. She was sitting on a separate table, and she, too, was eating together with another group of people. As if feeling that someone was looking at her, she turned her head towards his direction, and immediately let out a smile in return, leaving the both of them with giggles.

His companions witnessed their small gestures, and Sane immediately heard them whistle teasingly. “Why don’t you two just end up together? Best friends turn into lovers, how sweet," teased Irene, a sophomore, and the rest of the people agreed, teasing him a little bit more.

A lot of people that he knew would often tell and push him to start pursuing Haniel. They’d tell him how suitable they were for each other, and how much they’d be happy if Haniel and Sane ended up together.

Just like the usual, he only shook his head before shrugging. “You guys…” he said, shaking his head.

Sane immediately looked back when he felt someone tap his shoulder. The girls on their table started giggling, looking at whoever was standing at his back, and when Sane saw, he concluded the reaction to be reasonable. Nikolaj and Edmund were standing near them. Edmund, shooting flirty winks at the girls that made Sane shake his head, letting out a sigh.

"I have something to tell you," said Nikolaj. He immediately understood what he meant by that. Feeling the sudden fast thumping of his heart against his chest, he looked back at his companions who were still watching the three of them as they ate.

“Excuse me,” he excused. “We need to talk about something. Would that be alright?”

They just let him be, probably because they knew that they’d be talking about something important. When he stood, Edmund immediately sat on his seat, making the girls on the table giggle. 

Sane could only shake his head when he saw that the boy was already comfortably chatting with them. 

His eyes and Haniel’s met as he trailed behind Nikolaj whose hands were inside his pockets. He only smiled a little at her before waving goodbye. They stopped on a part of the school grounds where there were little to no students walking around before the guy faced him.

That was the first time that he had seen Nikolaj after almost a week, and truth to be told, he didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know what he’d hear as he also had no idea of the ways that the guy could have possibly done in order to help him. 

He was nervous alright, but he had been anticipating for the day to happen that he’d finally be able to hear his news, may it be bad or not. Sane wanted for his agony to end, and he had conditioned himself into thinking that whatever news Nikolaj would bear, he’d accept it. 

But even so, he still couldn’t help but feel nervous as he waited for the guy to talk and to spill the truth.

“Sorry if I haven’t talked to you for a while now,” Nikolaj started. “I’ve been quite busy with a lot of stuff, but rest assured that I’ve also done my part as if I told you I’d help you.”

Sane pursed his lips before nodding. “Thank you so much for lending some time even when I know that you’re busy with gigs and everything,” he said before looking away. “I actually am feeling quite ashamed, but you know how it has been for me. I’m just desperate, I’m sorry.”

“You dumbass, stop feeling ashamed. It’s just me. I’m no one. It’s not like I’m the president or something.” Nikolaj chuckled. “Besides, I just helped you contact people. You’ll be the one who’ll do most of the part, so the credits do not go to me alone.”

They sat on a bench overlooking the football field. Sane could feel the palms of his hands sweating because he was feeling very nervous.

Sane as well had tried contacting people who could possibly give him financial aid, but to no avail. He didn’t have that much of resources to maximize his search. That was why he was glad that Nikolaj was there. The guy was much more knowledgeable than he was, and he was more privileged than him as well. 

"I found people that could help you with your scholarship. I’ve already talked to them, and you fit the students that they want to help very well. I will give you their mailing addresses, and you could inquire and ask me anytime if you've got some questions, a'right?"

That was the first legitimate good news that Sane had heard for what it seemed like a very long time. He could've even hugged the guy then and there but it would be so shameful of him to do so so he settled with a long handshake. “Thank you so much! This means a lot to me. Thank you,” he said.

Nikolaj grinned before shaking his head. “It’s nothing. It’s not much, really,” he said with a genuine smile plastered across his face. “Do good, okay? But don’t dwell with your failures too much. Even the best fails.” 

Sane couldn’t put into words the happiness that he was feeling at that very moment. He wanted to shout, to jump in glee, to tell anyone that one of his problems was finally coming to an end.

He thanked God for giving him the strength to continue even when he almost surrendered.

“Tell me if you have any problems, okay? I’ll be going now,” Nikolaj said, and Sane only smiled, nodding.

He was left sitting on the bench as he followed Nikolaj who was walking farther and farther with his eyes. 

He almost jumped off from his seat because of happiness, but he stopped himself from shaming himself in front of other people. He clasped his hands together before thanking God once again.

With a sigh of relief he thought of going back to the cafeteria. Truth to be told, he wanted to tell Haniel about the good news, but she didn’t know about his scholarship termination so he decided not to, although it was very tempting. 

His forehead creased when he felt as if someone was watching him from afar, sending shivers down to his spine. His gaze soon stopped on the academic building rooftop where the burying stare seemed to be coming from. 

However, Sane was feeling less afraid, realizing that he wasn’t so unlucky in the first place as he had been given one solution to his problems.

Staring at it intently, he couldn’t help but feel victorious even when he knew that he didn’t really win. He shook his head before smiling a little. “See, things are starting to go on well. Unlucky who—”

His happiness was soon cut off short as he felt a heavy rain drop falling against his skin. When he looked up, he saw that the clouds were already looking heavy as more raindrops fell from the sky. Pitter patter.

The students who were strolling on the grounds and were playing were already running to seek shelter, and Sane’s reaction was too late as the heavy rain started pouring mercilessly. 

"Oh damn—!" he cursed. "—Sorry, God."

He raced towards the nearest shelter, but his slacks, vest, polo, and his tie were already drenched in rain.