Chapter Six

What's more selfish? Committing suicide or forcing someone to stay in a world where they were so unhappy?

It had been days and Ride had already been discharged but Sane hadn't answered the question yet. He’d often think about it over and over again, trying to find the answer to that question, weighing things along the way.

Sane had never thought about it before, and it felt kind of weird thinking about it as he never really dwelled on things like that. He never really talked about suicide or even death in general as he had been so focused with life instead. But after everything that had happened, after everything that he had felt, and he had witnessed, he came to realize that there were really a lot of things that he didn’t understand.

What is more selfish really?

"It depends on the angle you look at the situation.” Sane’s forehead creased when he heard Hunter, his cousin, talk. He was sitting beside him as he pondered on things. He arrived last night together with Sane’s Auntie Maru.

“What?” he asked, confusion plastered across his face.

"Ha?"

"Selfishness varies on how you define it and how you see the situation."

Sane fell silent. He probably didn’t realize that he asked the question, not just in his mind.

He didn’t say anything, but Hunter continued talking. "What is selfish for you might not be selfish for other people. There is no absolute truth for selfishness, at least in my opinion. Just like beauty. Parang beauty lang din. You define it and set your own boundaries and standards for it."

Hunter leaned to get himself a slice of pizza from the table in front of them before continuing. "We are naturally selfish anyway. We can never and shouldn't question other people's ways if we don't understand the depths of their reasons."

Sane didn’t know what to reply to what he said. He just nodded as he thought about it. Maybe selfishness was really subjective, and that it would be pointless to judge from a single point of view. 

His gaze stopped at his brother who was in the kitchen, and was talking with their Auntie Maru together with their mom. He let out a sigh before taking a bite of his own slice.

Even when Sane himself had attempted to jump off a building, he couldn’t understand why Ride wanted to end it all as well. Although he’d been in the same situation, although not in an utterly exact manner, there were still things that he couldn’t fully grasp, that he couldn't fully understand.

Would it be selfish of him to not want Ride to be taken away? Would it be selfish of him to hold unto his little brother?

Hunter tapped his shoulder. "Don't worry much about it, Brother. 'Ly confuse ye more, the more ye think 'bout it, yeah?" he said with a distinguishable northern accent. 

Sane gave him a small smile before nodding.

The both of them weren’t really that close as they’d only see each other a few times in a year, but the guy wasn’t awkward to talk to, especially when they were only about the same age. 

At that very second, Haniel barged into the house, carrying a basket which he immediately guessed was full of freshly-baked croissants. The smell immediately spread in the room, wafting against his face, making him crave and salivate.

Hunter immediately stood up with a huge smile across his face, looking at Haniel with an amused expression on his face. "What a fair lady she is, 'ndeed. Yer gal, Brother?"

Sane forced himself not to laugh upon seeing the surprise in Haniel’s face. She shot him a look, and was talking to him through facial expressions so he only stuck his tongue out before looking back at Hunter. He laughed before shaking his head. “No, she’s only my friend.”

He saw the girl rolling her eyes before looking at Hunter with a smile. “Hi, I’m Haniel. Nice to meet you,” she introduced before putting out her hand for a handshake.

It was Sane's turn to roll his eyes.

"Milady." He heard Hunter say before genly placing a kiss on the hand of Haniel whose face immediately resembled a tomato. "The name's Hunter. Ye know, I should really visit 'ere often. 'Didn't know ye have a friend as 'air as she is, yeah, Brother?"

"Oh no, don't joke with things like that. You know, I might believe it,” she joked before placing the basket down the table, beside the box of pizza. 

"I certainly am not kidding, Milady—"

"Milady who?"

The three of them shifted their gaze towards the doorway upon hearing that. Sane was surprised to see Simon, who was plastering his signature 'I'll-kill-you-if-you-won't-tell-me' smile, Claus who was carrying his bass guitar, Edmund who was eating a croissant, and Nikolaj who was looking intently at Hunter and Haniel with furrowed eyebrows.

"Oh, who's this chappie?" asked Simon when he saw Hunter before raising his hand for a high five.

"Hunter, Brother."

"'You good at hunting, eh?" Claus joked that immediately made Hunter snicker.

"Ironically, I am not."

Hunter asked for a high five with the rest of the members, but when he raised his hand for Nikolaj, the latter just stared at him before his brows furrowed. However, Simon spanked the drummer, forcing him to give his cousin a high five in return.

Sane turned his head to look at Haniel intently, but the girl’s brows only furrowed before shrugging.

He looked at the kitchen to look at his mom who didn’t notice the arrival of the band before looking back at them. "Why are you here? Our house is not like Music Emporium that you could just barge in and out, if you didn't know. We could appreciate some privacy too, don't you think?" he said, eager to send them away.

He knew that they were there to bring some noise, and even chaos, as he noticed that they bought their instruments with them. He knew the four too much.

And his mom wasn’t into music that much. Not anymore. In their family, it was his dad who was into music as he was musically-inclined. His childhood was influenced with music, especially the music of The Beatles and Elvis Presley. Moreover, he was also a frustrated musician. Sane remembered him telling that just like The Dotish, he would have small gigs all around Penny Lane, and he’d also play in the Music Emporium as well. His dad had a lot of instruments before, instruments in which he would constantly play for them. His dad would even sing to his mom while he and Ride would watch and hold each other. He would sing them lullabies and kiss them to sleep.

Music played a big role in his childhood and his life and he didn't like thinking it was also the reason why they were currently suffering. 

Sane would admit, he loved music. He even played guitar a little bit before but when his Dad was sent to prison, and when he found out the realities in life, he let go of that small passion. The instruments were sold, except for his Dad's first guitar that was sitting in the attic, cold and undisturbed.

He realized, in an early age, that life wasn't all songs and lullabies. It was much more than that. Life was much more cruel. He was slapped with those realities. Sure, sometimes he’d look at his friends, and imagine how his life could’ve turned out if only his dad didn’t fall into an addiction to illegal drugs. He also wanted to live life like them, to pursue his passion, to not carry all the burden that he had been carrying, to enjoy life better.

But it was destiny for his luck to fall short. 

"Oh, don't be a spoiled rooster, Baby Boy. We didn't come here for you. We came here for Ride," replied Simon who then sat on the sofa with his leg raised.

With the mention of Ride's name, Ride stood there near the kitchen, looking at them. He looked confused, especially after Claus and Edmund came running towards him before giving him a big hug. 

"Alive and Kickin'!" Edmund shouted. He immediately received a slap on the arm from Haniel because of that. 

Ride flashed a smile. He still looked a little weak, but just like before, he talked to them as if things that happened didn’t happen. "Why are you guys here—?"

"You should really keep going. My Aunt is here and we aren't really entertaining visitors right now, may it be obnoxious visitors, or some sort," Sane cut off, lightly pushing Claus away.

"You should really stop that, Sane, y'know," said Claus.

"Stop what?"

"Stop denying small things you know would make other people happy."

He fell silent upon hearing that, making him purse his lips soon after. What he said hit him hard in the chest.

He knew he didn’t find The Dotish obnoxious because they were as noisy as a siren. It was because they reminded him of his Dad. Their dedication to music reminded him of those times when his Dad would tell him stories about music itself, and his journey for his songs to be heard.

He could see the same glow on their eyes he had seen on his dad's. He could see the same dedication. He could hear the same chords, the same notes.

He found them annoying sometimes because they reminded him so much of his father, and the heavens knew how much he wanted not to work and to think upon prejudices as the resemblance wasn’t The Dotish’s fault, he knew that. However, even when he knew about that, even when he kept telling himself to think that way, he’d often find himself doing the exact opposite, feeling the exact opposite. 

It was because of his dad. Always his dad.

He looked away before swallowing the lump on his throat. He could feel the intensity of their stares burying against his skin as they waited for his reply. Maybe they had also noticed that attitude of him as well. It was making him entirely conscious and a little ashamed of himself. "I-I am not…” he denied before clearing his throat.

His eyes and Ride’s met, and he couldn't help but wonder. His brother loved music as much as his Dad. And he wondered, would it make him feel better? Was he really denying things that could potentially make other people happy just because of his personal issues?

He let out a sigh before walking towards his brother to ruffle his hair. "Do what you want. I'll just do something upstairs. Mom’s fine with it as long as you don’t disturb the neighbors much. You guys enjoy,” he said, letting out a smile before walking away, towards his room. 

Haniel followed him after, probably to talk to him and to clear things out, but he only waved her away and told her that he was fine.

With that, he went inside his room and locked the door.

He sat on his bed, close to the window where he could see them outside from the small slit from the windows. He could see them setting up on their front lawn, and he also saw Ride who was looking at his windows before exhaling deeply.

He, too, let out a sigh.

He felt bad about himself, the way he acted. It was as if he weren't the same Sane he was a few years ago. He didn't know if it was the weight of the responsibility or if he had built this hatred for his dad, whose presence they needed the most. After everything that had happened, especially with Ride, never did he forget to remember their dad. What if he was more careful, and didn’t get caught, would things turn out differently? Or would they suffer even worse? He prayed it wasn't the latter.

He wasn't a hateful person and he would like to keep things as it was. He was not taught to bear hatred towards anyone.

He didn’t hate his dad as he acknowledged that even after everything that he did, his blood still flowed in his veins. He didn’t hate him, but he was utterly disappointed with him, especially when his dad’s responsibilities had been passed down to him. Those responsibilities that he was now carrying shouldn’t even be his in the first place, but he was left with no choice. 

He wasn’t able to keep up and see everything that was happening on their lawn as he’d be lost in his thoughts from time to time. 

In one instance, he saw that they had already finished setting up the instruments, and even his mom and his auntie were already there, looking at the band. 

There were even other people from the different houses and establishments, including the Casbah Coffee Club who went out to hear them play. Sane was reminded that The Dotish was that popular. 

"Banjo gardon eh hay ho," Simon tested the mic before putting a thumbs up. "The song we want to sing is for this Baby Boy in there and for his brother who is currently in his room. He probably wants a peck on the cheek—" Everyone laughed a little, making Sane frown a little, but he was already feeling a little warm from the inside. "—I know you're listening, Sane." Simon laughed before raising his finger, and as if on cue, the band started playing.

Everyone swanged their bodies, hearing the familiar rhythm and Sane couldn’t help but smile when he saw his mom was smiling a bit.

"Desmond has a borrow in the marketplace.

Molly is a singer in a band.

Desmond says to Molly, girl I like your face

And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand."

Claus pulled Ride who was shy at first before giving him the microphone, and there, they, including everyone, sang together.

"Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on—bra!

La-la how their life goes on.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on—bra!

La-la how their life goes on."

That was the first time, after so long, that he had heard his little brother’s singing voice. Ride had the voice of their father and hearing it after years made his chest tighten. Nostalgia slapped him across the face, and just like that, he felt the same breaking.

The memory of his father in the jail flashed between his eyes. He remembered his pleading eyes, crying, reaching out for him. The memory of his mother breaking and crying flashed, the memory of Ride crying, the sensation of hunger and suffocation, everything he thought he had thrown away and forgotten flashed between his eyes, choking him.

He shook his head, pushing the thoughts away.

He breathed hard before looking back at Ride who was singing with a huge smile across his face. Happiness could be seen in his little brother’s eyes, and he couldn’t help but feel happy and sad at the same time at the sight of it.

If that makes his brother happy, who was he to take that little bit of happiness away?

He wiped the tears away before lying on the bed, still listening to his brother singing as he remembered little bits of memories from the past that he ought to cherish.

He closed his eyes and saw his dad, plucking his guitar, singing. The image was a punch on his chest.

He missed his dad. Even after everything.

Even after all the breaking.

Life goes on, the song said, and that time, he had to agree. Life goes on.