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CHAPTER TWO
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2025-03-10 16:20:06A pair of kind eyes peer down at me. It’s Ellie’s. She has the kindest eyes ever.
“Caleb, Tim said you weren’t feeling well. what’s wrong?” She asks concern written all over her face. She’s worried about me now. I wonder how she’ll feel if she gets to know her boyfriend—soon to be fiancé—was also once my boyfriend and broke my heart. I’m so vile I probably don’t deserve her kindness, but my jealousy and selfishness is stronger than any guilt that I am feeling. He was mine before he was hers. “I don’t feel so good.” i mumble “Have you eaten today?” She asks her brows pulling together in worry. Right…. Food. I have a brain that remembers to do everything else but eat. She sighs “let me take you home and make something for you to eat. Can you walk?” “I think” My legs are surprisingly steady enough to carry me to her car, but she still leans against me supportively, her arms around me. The parking lot is mostly full, so it takes a while for me to spot her car, under a large oak tree, its leaves moving gently with the breeze. The ride is mostly quiet except for when Ellie tells me not to fall asleep so I don’t pass out. “You don’t have to come in with me” “I am, you can barely walk and you need to eat.” “I can walk though” “I will come in and make you some grilled cheese sandwich.” I don’t argue, I could always eat grilled cheese. But I do argue when she walks over to help me. “I’m good, Ellie! I’m not a fucking cripple” “I’m just trying to help, and don’t swear at me Caleb” The apology doesn’t make it past my lips because I’m bitter, hurt, and so fucking jealous. Sitting on the kitchen island, while Ellie gets busy by the stove. The smell of melted cheese saturating the room makes me perk up just a little bit. “Ellie?” “Yeah?” she throws me one of her kind smiles over her shoulders. “How are things going with Tim?” I ask. A blush creeps up her neck. She doesn’t reply immediately. She places the grilled cheese in front of me. The cheese seeps out of the sides and suddenly I’m ravenous. “Very well. I’m happy. He makes me happy” “I wonder, will he say the same about you?” I chirp, mouthful of my sandwich. She smiles with a slightly stunned expression on her face “what? Caleb?” “What if he asks you to marry him? Will you say yes?” “Caleb” she says looking a bit annoyed or offended. “I don’t know where all these questions are coming from, but I don’t think my relationship with Tim concerns you.” “You wound me Ellie. I thought we were close.” I grin She exhales loudly. “I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do think I see a future with him” “As father of your children”. “Yes.” “Well, not that you asked for my opinion,” “I, in fact, did not.” “I’ll say it anyway. You don’t deserve him.” She looks downright furious now. “What do you know about what I deserve?” “I know you deserve better.” “Caleb! Stop this. Please. I know you care about me, and I know you want to see me happy but I believe Tim is a good man, he’ll never deliberately hurt me.” “But he will hurt you. Trust me.” “It’s obvious you don’t want me here, I’ll leave you to rest.” “Yeah” She’s left colorless with shock by my response. “I’m sorry” She bobs her head, as she picks up her car keys “I’m sorry Ellie. I don’t mean to be such a bitch” “It’s okay” “No it’s not okay. I know what it’s like to want someone who doesn’t want you back.” I feel my voice tremble. Her eyes radiate sympathy. “I’m really sorry about that. Do you want to talk about it?” “Not really. I just want to go to bed.” “Okay. I’ll leave you to it” “I’m really sorry Ellie” “I know. Caleb. I’m here if you ever need to talk.” “Yeah” She exits the house quietly and I’m left with my thoughts and my heart rabbiting in my chest. I stumble up to my bedroom, fall into my bed and try to sleep. But sleep is far from me. Instead, I think about what my life would have been like if I didn’t like boys. Or what it would have been like if Ellie wasn’t in the picture. I wonder if Tim would have loved me if Ellie had just moved out of town like she had intended to do. Ellie lived with us since she was 6 after both her parents died in a plane crash. She landed on my parents’ lap the same way I was conceived—without warning. She was treated differently, of course. She was a priority, a responsibility—she needed them more than I did. After all, she had no parents. Meanwhile I had to walk as quietly as possible so my presence would not be noticed—so as not to remind my parents of a mistake that made them grow up faster than they planned, a surprise that ruined something I never meant to ruin. It’s not like I resented her then and I don’t resent her now or anything but I wished she had her own parents—just like I fucking wish now, that she could just get her own damn boyfriend!. And Tim. I wonder what he thought about me. Did he think of me as a chore, was I too needy for him? It doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that he didn’t choose me—Just like my parents didn’t choose me. He didn’t want me anymore—just like my parents didn’t. I want to hurt Tim. I want to ruin him. I think about God too. I’m sure he doesn’t want me too. Ever since I was a child in church, it was emphasized and highlighted that it was debauched and depraved for the body to want what it wants. I think about what I want. I want to leave Shiloh creek and never come back. I also want to vanish into nothingness.
Bab terkait
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER THREE
ONE MONTH LATERA month ago, Tim had broken my heart in the most cruel and spiteful way known to man. Two weeks ago, I left Shiloh creek for college. Two weeks since I left home for college without a goodbye from my mother. I had woken up to the sound of somebody moving around downstairs. It had seemed like a normal morning, which wasn’t right because it was not a normal morning. I was going to college. I wondered if my mum was still asleep . I wondered if she’d hug me tightly and then tell me she loved me, tell me to take care of myself, tell me to call if I needed anything.When I finally went downstairs, it was only my father downstairs at the kitchen table on his phone, probably reading the news or scrolling through emails. My eyes kept darting to the hallway that leads to my parents bedroom. The door was shut. My father cleared his throat and offered me coffee: “there’s coffee if you want any”“Thanks” I didn’t want any, but I poured a cup and took a sip anyway. Just to have
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-03-10SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER FOUR
SEPTEMBER The next few weeks run by and I find myself running with it. Literally. At first, Luke’s constant jabs about my body seemed harmless. Annoying, but harmless. Then, one day, he called me a weak-ass bitch. I don’t know if it was the shock on my face that amused him, but he laughed and said he didn’t mean it. Later, he bought me running gear when I told him I didn’t have any, like that made it better. Now, as I walk to one of Luke’s hockey games, I realize I’ve gotten used to him. Used to the big mouth, the offhand slurs, the smirks that no longer get under my skin. I get there and the arena is freezing. The kind of chill that bleeds under your skin and settles in your bones. I should have brought a jacket and something for my nose. Luke had warned me about the cold but he never mentioned the smell. The sharp bite of wet concrete combined with the musty sour odor of sweat. Then there’s the greasy stench of the arena food—overcooked fries. Somewhere in the crowd, someone s
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-03-10SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER FIVE
The bar is packed tightly. I can’t tell if it’s due to its size or due to too many people. But it’s warm enough, almost hot. There’s the smell of liquor and cigarettes and different people in the air. And spicy food. Luke moves through the crowd, pushing people left and right without a second thought. My ears find Luke’s friends before my eyes lock onto them. The laughter coming from the back corner is loud as hell. They’re crowded around a table littered with empty glasses and used napkins and half-eaten food. “There he is! There’s my fucking guy!!!” One of them says. “Dude you were a fucking beast today” There is a slight resemblance between all of them. I can’t tell their jockey, athletic, overly—masculine faces apart. “Tell that to my fucking face man.” Luke says with a smug smile on his face, rubbing his bruised face. I stand silently, waiting for Luke to introduce me. But he doesn’t, douchebag that he is. “Who the fuck is that?” another one on the left asks and
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-03-10SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER SIX
I hate surprises. After what I witnessed last night, it’s decided that I hate surprises. I’m in PSYC 101, the monotonous voice of the professor droning on about cognitive biases, I try to take notes but my fingers float uselessly over my laptop keys as my eyes drift across the room. I notice short dark hair and I know whose it is. I know it’s Tony. Which is weird seeing as he’s not the only person in this class with short dark hair. It’s strange that I’ve never noticed him in this class before. I definitely did not notice him last night as well. He must be really good at fading into backgrounds. Another disturbing thought pops into my head. Luke is queer. What’s more disturbing, he’s a queer person that hangs around homophobic people. He really must not like himself. What happened last night wasn’t just something that drunk people do. Luke was drunk, of course, but this was something he’d done multiple times. There was an affinity in the ordinary way he’d leaned into Tony. He
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-03-27SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER SEVEN
TONY’S POVI knock at the dull off white colored door of Luke’s dorm room. There’s no answer. I shift the paper bag in my hand and knock again. Harder. The half-peeled university decal shamelessly clinging to the door, vibrates from the force of my knock. The dorm hallway is quiet except for the low hum of a distant TV—and the sound of my heartbeat, racing faster than the seconds ticking by. What if he’s not happy to see me. He’s never invited me over before.I pound my fist harder on the door. Still nothing. Pressing my ear against the cold door, I listen for any movement on the other side of it. But all I hear is silence. Then a groan and then slow dragging of feet. When the door finally cracks open, I see him—Butt naked, his usually perfect hair is a mess, he’s honey brown eyes dulled from exhaustion. He squints as if the golden rays of the setting sun are too bright for his eyes. “Hi baby.” I say with a smile. “Tony?” He blinks sluggishly, voice rough from exhaustion.“I
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-03-30SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER EIGHT
Caleb? Caleb?! Are you there?" It's Ellie, on the phone. She just told me that Tim proposed to her. And I can’t explain why my throat feels tight and closed up. Maybe it's the sudden effect this news has on me—like running into a wall. Even though he told me he’d planned to, I never actually thought he would. I never thought he'd betray me.It's been months since I left Shiloh Creek. I haven't thought of Tim in weeks now. I thought I’d moved on.Why does it feel like my body is turning against me? My hands won’t stop shaking.My heart won’t stop racing.Why the fuck do I feel like this?“Caleb?” She calls again“Yeah? I’m here” I manage to choke out, my voice sounding weird and distant. “Where’d you go?” “Nowhere, Ellie you were saying?”“You sound weird. Are you okay?” She asks again.“I’m okay, just a bit shocked.” “I know right?” She giggles “it was unexpected. But isn’t it great? I think he loves me.” She sounds dreamy and oddly breathless. I think he lov
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-03-31SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER NINE
Maybe missing lectures for one whole week was a bad and self destructive decision on my part—what started as one week gradually turned into two whole weeks. My academics weren’t impressive before then, but now? It’s completely and utterly hopeless.Since the humiliating ordeal with Tyler, I haven’t said a single word to my roommate.It could be from a place of malice and anger—twice, he stood by and let his friends humiliate me. I suppose, the anger should be directed at myself for being weak and skinny. Or maybe it’s just inferiority. I can’t tell. It’s been a long and draining day of pretending that I was still a student who gave a damn. I sat at the back of each lecture hall, taking notes, but nothing stuck, the more I tried to focus the more the words had no meaning. It felt like I was watching the whole exchange of information between the professor and students, from afar. I felt like a ghost, being present and absent at the same time. Back at the dorm, sitting at my d
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-04-05SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER TEN
TONY’S POVWe make our way to the men’s hockey house off campus in silence. The silence isn’t suffocating. It’s wide and big enough to hold the two of us. Enough for my mind to drift. The closer we get to the hockey house, the deeper Caleb’s head sinks into his skinny shoulders. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here, but I have to see Lukas. I couldn’t go to Lukas’ game because his dad was there. He’s never in a good headspace after being around his father. Even his mom couldn’t handle it. So she chose to leave—by swallowing a whole lot of sleeping pills.The man has hated me ever since he noticed the way Lukas and I were together, the way it was different from how he was with his other friends back at Ashwick. It wasn’t like Lukas had stopped hanging out with his old friends. He still did—at least, he tried. But it was always different.One day, Lukas and I were together in his room, and his dad barged in, his eyes bright with cruelty, He threw accu
Terakhir Diperbarui : 2025-04-10
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SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER TEN
TONY’S POVWe make our way to the men’s hockey house off campus in silence. The silence isn’t suffocating. It’s wide and big enough to hold the two of us. Enough for my mind to drift. The closer we get to the hockey house, the deeper Caleb’s head sinks into his skinny shoulders. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here, but I have to see Lukas. I couldn’t go to Lukas’ game because his dad was there. He’s never in a good headspace after being around his father. Even his mom couldn’t handle it. So she chose to leave—by swallowing a whole lot of sleeping pills.The man has hated me ever since he noticed the way Lukas and I were together, the way it was different from how he was with his other friends back at Ashwick. It wasn’t like Lukas had stopped hanging out with his old friends. He still did—at least, he tried. But it was always different.One day, Lukas and I were together in his room, and his dad barged in, his eyes bright with cruelty, He threw accu
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER NINE
Maybe missing lectures for one whole week was a bad and self destructive decision on my part—what started as one week gradually turned into two whole weeks. My academics weren’t impressive before then, but now? It’s completely and utterly hopeless.Since the humiliating ordeal with Tyler, I haven’t said a single word to my roommate.It could be from a place of malice and anger—twice, he stood by and let his friends humiliate me. I suppose, the anger should be directed at myself for being weak and skinny. Or maybe it’s just inferiority. I can’t tell. It’s been a long and draining day of pretending that I was still a student who gave a damn. I sat at the back of each lecture hall, taking notes, but nothing stuck, the more I tried to focus the more the words had no meaning. It felt like I was watching the whole exchange of information between the professor and students, from afar. I felt like a ghost, being present and absent at the same time. Back at the dorm, sitting at my d
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER EIGHT
Caleb? Caleb?! Are you there?" It's Ellie, on the phone. She just told me that Tim proposed to her. And I can’t explain why my throat feels tight and closed up. Maybe it's the sudden effect this news has on me—like running into a wall. Even though he told me he’d planned to, I never actually thought he would. I never thought he'd betray me.It's been months since I left Shiloh Creek. I haven't thought of Tim in weeks now. I thought I’d moved on.Why does it feel like my body is turning against me? My hands won’t stop shaking.My heart won’t stop racing.Why the fuck do I feel like this?“Caleb?” She calls again“Yeah? I’m here” I manage to choke out, my voice sounding weird and distant. “Where’d you go?” “Nowhere, Ellie you were saying?”“You sound weird. Are you okay?” She asks again.“I’m okay, just a bit shocked.” “I know right?” She giggles “it was unexpected. But isn’t it great? I think he loves me.” She sounds dreamy and oddly breathless. I think he lov
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER SEVEN
TONY’S POVI knock at the dull off white colored door of Luke’s dorm room. There’s no answer. I shift the paper bag in my hand and knock again. Harder. The half-peeled university decal shamelessly clinging to the door, vibrates from the force of my knock. The dorm hallway is quiet except for the low hum of a distant TV—and the sound of my heartbeat, racing faster than the seconds ticking by. What if he’s not happy to see me. He’s never invited me over before.I pound my fist harder on the door. Still nothing. Pressing my ear against the cold door, I listen for any movement on the other side of it. But all I hear is silence. Then a groan and then slow dragging of feet. When the door finally cracks open, I see him—Butt naked, his usually perfect hair is a mess, he’s honey brown eyes dulled from exhaustion. He squints as if the golden rays of the setting sun are too bright for his eyes. “Hi baby.” I say with a smile. “Tony?” He blinks sluggishly, voice rough from exhaustion.“I
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER SIX
I hate surprises. After what I witnessed last night, it’s decided that I hate surprises. I’m in PSYC 101, the monotonous voice of the professor droning on about cognitive biases, I try to take notes but my fingers float uselessly over my laptop keys as my eyes drift across the room. I notice short dark hair and I know whose it is. I know it’s Tony. Which is weird seeing as he’s not the only person in this class with short dark hair. It’s strange that I’ve never noticed him in this class before. I definitely did not notice him last night as well. He must be really good at fading into backgrounds. Another disturbing thought pops into my head. Luke is queer. What’s more disturbing, he’s a queer person that hangs around homophobic people. He really must not like himself. What happened last night wasn’t just something that drunk people do. Luke was drunk, of course, but this was something he’d done multiple times. There was an affinity in the ordinary way he’d leaned into Tony. He
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER FIVE
The bar is packed tightly. I can’t tell if it’s due to its size or due to too many people. But it’s warm enough, almost hot. There’s the smell of liquor and cigarettes and different people in the air. And spicy food. Luke moves through the crowd, pushing people left and right without a second thought. My ears find Luke’s friends before my eyes lock onto them. The laughter coming from the back corner is loud as hell. They’re crowded around a table littered with empty glasses and used napkins and half-eaten food. “There he is! There’s my fucking guy!!!” One of them says. “Dude you were a fucking beast today” There is a slight resemblance between all of them. I can’t tell their jockey, athletic, overly—masculine faces apart. “Tell that to my fucking face man.” Luke says with a smug smile on his face, rubbing his bruised face. I stand silently, waiting for Luke to introduce me. But he doesn’t, douchebag that he is. “Who the fuck is that?” another one on the left asks and
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER FOUR
SEPTEMBER The next few weeks run by and I find myself running with it. Literally. At first, Luke’s constant jabs about my body seemed harmless. Annoying, but harmless. Then, one day, he called me a weak-ass bitch. I don’t know if it was the shock on my face that amused him, but he laughed and said he didn’t mean it. Later, he bought me running gear when I told him I didn’t have any, like that made it better. Now, as I walk to one of Luke’s hockey games, I realize I’ve gotten used to him. Used to the big mouth, the offhand slurs, the smirks that no longer get under my skin. I get there and the arena is freezing. The kind of chill that bleeds under your skin and settles in your bones. I should have brought a jacket and something for my nose. Luke had warned me about the cold but he never mentioned the smell. The sharp bite of wet concrete combined with the musty sour odor of sweat. Then there’s the greasy stench of the arena food—overcooked fries. Somewhere in the crowd, someone s
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER THREE
ONE MONTH LATERA month ago, Tim had broken my heart in the most cruel and spiteful way known to man. Two weeks ago, I left Shiloh creek for college. Two weeks since I left home for college without a goodbye from my mother. I had woken up to the sound of somebody moving around downstairs. It had seemed like a normal morning, which wasn’t right because it was not a normal morning. I was going to college. I wondered if my mum was still asleep . I wondered if she’d hug me tightly and then tell me she loved me, tell me to take care of myself, tell me to call if I needed anything.When I finally went downstairs, it was only my father downstairs at the kitchen table on his phone, probably reading the news or scrolling through emails. My eyes kept darting to the hallway that leads to my parents bedroom. The door was shut. My father cleared his throat and offered me coffee: “there’s coffee if you want any”“Thanks” I didn’t want any, but I poured a cup and took a sip anyway. Just to have
SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE CHAPTER TWO
A pair of kind eyes peer down at me. It’s Ellie’s. She has the kindest eyes ever. “Caleb, Tim said you weren’t feeling well. what’s wrong?” She asks concern written all over her face. She’s worried about me now. I wonder how she’ll feel if she gets to know her boyfriend—soon to be fiancé—was also once my boyfriend and broke my heart. I’m so vile I probably don’t deserve her kindness, but my jealousy and selfishness is stronger than any guilt that I am feeling. He was mine before he was hers. “I don’t feel so good.” i mumble“Have you eaten today?” She asks her brows pulling together in worry. Right…. Food. I have a brain that remembers to do everything else but eat. She sighs “let me take you home and make something for you to eat. Can you walk?”“I think”My legs are surprisingly steady enough to carry me to her car, but she still leans against me supportively, her arms around me. The parking lot is mostly full, so it takes a while for me to spot her car, under a large oak tree,
