CHAPTER NINE

Maybe missing lectures for one whole week was a bad and self destructive decision on my part—what started as one week gradually turned into two whole weeks.

My academics weren’t impressive before then, but now? It’s completely and utterly hopeless.

Since the humiliating ordeal with Tyler, I haven’t said a single word to my roommate.

It could be from a place of malice and anger—twice, he stood by and let his friends humiliate me.

I suppose, the anger should be directed at myself for being weak and skinny.

Or maybe it’s just inferiority.

I can’t tell.

It’s been a long and draining day of pretending that I was still a student who gave a damn. I sat at the back of each lecture hall, taking notes, but nothing stuck, the more I tried to focus the more the words had no meaning. It felt like I was watching the whole exchange of information between the professor and students, from afar. I felt like a ghost, being present and absent at the same time.

Back at the dorm, sitting at my desk; An open textbook sits in front of me, waiting to be read. I do anything but.

Luke is here too, scrolling through his phone, lying on his bed. Both of us haven’t acknowledged each other.

My eyes wander to the window, the sky outside, a canvas of soft pink and deep blues. The Green would be quiet now, glowing with the golden light of the evening.

I should go.

Maybe I need air.

I just need to be anywhere but here.

I put on a pair of dark jeans and a plain T-shirt, and a hoodie. In case it gets chilly outside. I slip on my sneakers without bothering to tie them properly and grab my phone, though I have no intention of answering any of the messages Ellie has been sending.

I’m almost out the door, one hand on the doorknob, when Luke’s voice stops me.

“Where’re you going?”

I flinch. I’d nearly forgotten he was here.

Turning to face him, I reply quietly “That’s none of your business, Luke”

“Maybe. But I think I should be able to tell the whereabouts of my roommate sometimes.”

I don’t respond, keeping my expression blank.

“Are you okay?” He asks sitting up.

“I’m fine.”

“Right, sure, that explains why you’ve been holed up in here for—”

“I’m not discussing that with you.” I cut in.

“Listen, Caleb” he starts, “I know we’re not like friends or whatever, but if you ever want to talk, I’m here."

“Talk?” I blink

“Yeah.” He shrugs

"I’m not depressed, Luke. I’m fine. I don’t need your help." those words are sharper than intended, but I don’t take them back.

"Okay, okay, fine." He holds up his hands. "But we have a game tonight. I think you should come."

"I need to catch up on my studies. And I hate hockey. I think it’s a dumb sport."

He exhales through his nose, frustration or anger flickering across his face. I don’t stick around long enough to figure out which.

I walk with purpose, hands stuffed in my pockets, shoulders bent. The Green isn’t far. It’s a central grassy expanse people go to relax, to study or meet up with friends. But I don’t want to be around anyone. I veer off towards the quieter side, close to the older buildings, where the grass is patchy, and the benches are worn by time. Sitting on the edge of one with my elbows on my knees, I breathe in the fresh grassy air.

I scroll through my phone, looking for something to do with my hands. I find unread messages from Ellie, saying she’s worried about me, asking me to call her. There are some voicemails too, but I’m not going into that today.

A few moments later, as I sit there, my eyes wander around The Green, with sparse college students, scattered in little groups, some chatting, others staring blankly at their phones, and I wonder if their life is as shitty as mine.

I sit there till the sky overhead turns a bruised shade of navy and the stars start to peek out, the lamplight flickers to life like tired eyes reluctantly waking.

The Green is empty and eerily quiet now, somewhere behind me, the dry crunch of footsteps on grass breaks the silence. I shift forward on the bench, alert. My cold phone buzzes in my hand. I glance at it—another message from Ellie, I don’t open it. I shove it back in my pocket like it burns.

There’s a movement at the edge of my vision.

A figure. Stepping out from the library, hood up, beanie low, glasses catching the faint glow from the lamp above the walkway. Their movement is easy and graceful like a breeze through tall grass. And they’re coming in my direction. I can tell from their outfit that it’s a guy.

He hesitates when he notices me, like he’s not expecting anyone to still be at The Green. But it’s not that late.

“Caleb?” He calls

I sit upright. “Tony?”

He tugs his hood back a bit as he steps closer, confirming it. Tony—with a faint blush on his perfect cheekbones, I’ve never seen him with reading glasses before. He looks really good with them. I swallow.

“It’s me. Did I scare you?”

“Not really.” I shrug

“Are you here alone?” He asks, hands still stuffed in his hoodie pocket.

I nod, suddenly conscious of how long I’ve been sitting here.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just…. needed air.”

He nods. “Yeah. I get that”

“You didn’t attend Luke’s game today.” I point out.

“Nope.” He says, not offering more.

“I was in the library.” He says after a bit. “Didn’t realize how late it got.”

“Same.”

A beat of silence.

Then he glances over at me. “Hey… I’ve been meaning to ask. You okay? You missed like… two weeks of class.”

I keep my eyes on the grass, jaw tightening a little.“Yeah…. I just needed a break.”

He nods slowly. “Alright. Just glad you’re back.”

He shifts on his feet.

“Well, there’s this birthday thing everyone is attending, and I have no one to accompany me. Do you want to come? You should come.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Now?”

He grins. “Well I was already heading over, then I saw you looking miserable. Figured I’d ask. You’ve been off the grid lately—might be good to be around people again. No pressure though.”

I look across The Green, the silence, the isolation. It’s nice but I’m getting tired of it. And he’s standing there, smiling, trying to play it cool but I can tell he really wants me to come.

“I mean, I really don’t want to go but, yeah. Okay.” I reply and his smile grows. “Do I need to change?” I ask.

“No. You look good.” He replies and my cheeks heat up.

I stand up and stretch out my legs.

He smiles wider. “You have really nice hair.” He blurts and he looks like he didn’t mean to say that out loud.

“Come on.” he says and starts walking and I fall into step with him.