SANA DALAWA ANG PUSO KO

"I will never let you sway me!" Saad ni Claire sa labas ng pinto ng dating amo.

"Okay," sagot naman ni Luke na sinabayan pa ng iling, napabuntong hininga ito at napatanaw sa labas ng bintana habang hinuhubad ang basang amerikana.

Sa labas naman ng pintuan, napapikit naman si Claire habang nakadikit sa pader ang ulo nito, "I will never like you again, Luke. I'm done with you; I don't love you anymore."

Halo halong emosyon ang nararamdaman niya sa mga oras na iyon, —galit, inis at panghihinayang ngunit parang sasabog ang puso niya sa inis sa sarili because she knew, deep down, there were words left unspoken for many years that were now lurking again and she hates to admit it.

"That’s enough." Sagot naman ng lalaki, lumingon ito sa naka saradong pintuan.

"You need to change your wet cloth, baka magkakasakit ka nyan, may bakanteng kwarto pa dito sa resthouse,” napabuntong hininga ito. “May CR dun, maligo ka muna. May extrang t-shirt ako dito. Ihahatid ko mamaya," pahabang dagdag nito habang sinabayan ng mahihinang hakbang papunta sa pintuan.

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying, Luke?" Pasigaw ding sagot ni Claire at sa di mawaring inis at galit binuksan niya ang pintuan sa kwarto at napanganga dahil wala ng damit pang itaas si Luke. "Um! Sorry."

"Out now!"

"No! I need to say this," kibit balikat na sabi ni Claire habang umiiwas na mapatangin sa matipunong dibdib nito.

"Claire—"

"You are driving me crazy, alam mo ba ha? This—this—ano to ha?" Sabi niyang sinabayan ng tulak ng sariling cellphone nito sa dibdib ng lalaking matagal din niyang minahal.

Napaatras naman si Luke.

"What the hell is this, Mr. Watson? Ano to ha? Ano to?"

"Where did you get that?"

"You left your phone—it's open... earlier in the car. I-I know your password.”

"You are not supposed to go through things that aren't yours, Miss Garcia."

"I know, but e-explain this to m-me, now!" sabay tingin niya sa cellphone ng dating amo.

"I don't need to explain."

"Hindi ko naman sadyang buksan ang mga photo album mo ah," sabi ni Claire sabay pakita sa mga picture ng mga painting ng among halos lahat ng mukha niya. "Ano to ha? This is m-me. T-this is a-all me." Mahina niyang sabi sabay hawi sa mga kamay ni Luke.

"Y-yes, that's all you."

"So, gaguhan lang? Sa tingin mo ba you can persuade me to like you back? Just because you p-painted so many—"

"Claire—"

"No! Listen t-to me now, Luke," napapaindak niyang sagot na para bang nauubusan na siya ng pasensya. She was so frustrated and angry that she wanted nothing but to slap Luke’s face. Napakuyom si Claire ng mga palad at tumalikod. Pinunasan ang mga luhang kanina pa gustong pumatak, huminga ng malalim at hinarap niya ito ulit.

"Even if you paint me thousands of this... I won't look back," dagdag niya at tiningnan ang cellphone ng dating amo at sabay pinasok sa bulsa ng pantalon nito.

"Take that back! This game is over."

"Claire—listen," Luke sighed as he looked at her with those swelling emotions he never thought he was capable of having.

"Ano? sa tingin mo ba, I’d fall for you if you sweet-talked me ha?" Anya ni Claire na sinamahan pa ng nakakadismayang iling. "I w-waited for you for five long years. F-five years! And now that I'm finally over you and now that I'm dating your best friend," dagdag niyang pailing-iling habang unti-unting umaatras si Luke sa pader, "—you dare do this to me, wreaking havoc on my emotions? Nahihibang ka ba talaga ha?!"

"Okay, get out now. Magbibihis pa ako," walang emosyong sagot nito.

Claire just looked at his eyes as he gritted his teeth. She saw the pain in there. Indeed, she saw regret, anguish, disappointment too, and something else that she couldn't fathom.

"Out now, woman," tumingin ito sa kanya, napabuntong hininga ito sabay turo nito sa pintuan. "Out."

Tumalikod naman si Claire, naglakad ng ilang hakbang.

Binuksan nito ang pinto at lumabas na siya.

Pagkasara, kinuha naman ni Luke ang cellphone at tiningnan ang mga litrato ng mga painting na ilang gabi rin niyang pinagpuyatang gawin.

Napamura ito, sabay tapon ng cellphone sa pader, "Damn it!"

Nagkalat ang mga basag na parte nito at sinipa-sipa niya pa ang ilang pirasong tumalsik sa paanan niya sabay balikwas at pinagsusuntok ang pader.

"F*ck! F*ck it!"

Napahinto siya at tumingin sa pintuan ng biglang bumukas ito at mukha ng babaeng laman ng isip niya ang bumungad dito.

Napamura naman si Claire, "What are you doing? Are you really insane?" Inis na inis niyang sabi sabay sampal sa mukha ng among puno ng emosyong hindi niya nakita sa buong limang taong pagtatrabaho niya rito.

"I waited for you for five years; you were never kind to me. You know that, right? You treated me like crap, but I never complained because I’m so madly in love with you."

"Stop."

"You treated me like a slave, Luke. Oh, right, worse than that. Naalala mo pa ba yung kasal ng pinsan ko ha? You called me in the middle of the ceremony; dahil lang hindi mo alam kung anong kulay ng necktie ang isusuot mo at sinabi mo pang emergency ang tawag mo? Ako naman itong si gaga nataranta dahil akala ko napano kana. And guess what? Just because I can't say no, pumunta ako sa mansion mong naka bridesmaid gown." Pailing-iling na sabi ni Claire, habang nakatingin naman si Luke sa basag nitong cellphone na nakakalat sa sahig.

"And guess what again, ha? You said I looked silly for coming over. Alam mo ba kung gaano kagalit at kadismaya ang pamilya ko sa akin dahil inuna ko ang trabaho ko. I choose you over them."

"Claire—I'm sorry."

"At naalala mo ba nung kahit malakas ang ulan at bumabagyo, napasugod ako sa condo mong basang basa dahil may sakit ka? Remember? You even blame me because I didn't bring an umbrella for your golf game. Pero di ka man lang nagpasalamat, instead you criticize me for not bringing the soup you requested. You didn't even ask if I was okay; kung okay lang ba ako kahit basang basa ako at masakit ang ulo. Alam mo bang pag-uwi ko ng bahay ako naman ang nilagnat ha? Nag iisa ako, Luke. Halos di ako nakatayo kinabukasan, pero you called me and asked me to go to the office dahil di ka makakapunta. Hinimatay ako sa daan. Alam mo ba yun ha? Hindi, di ba? Because you are selfish! You are an asshole," pasigaw niyang dagdag.

"And remember when you left me on the road? You let me walk for so many miles going to Baguio without a phone or money just because I forgot to bring the contract paper you needed?" Dagdag niyang nagpapahid ng luha.

"Di ko alam—"

"Of course, hindi mo alam, kasi you never care; you never ask if I was okay, if I was even breathing—all you care about is how I do my job. And you always wanted it to be perfect."

"Claire."

"You never ask kung kumain na ako, kung gutom ba ako. Of course, I didn't expect you to do just that, but I'm not only your secretary, Luke, I'm a person. I have feelings. Sana man lang konting consideration. But no! You're a heartless bastard. Grabe ka! Dahil lang nalaman mong crush kita, kung makatrato ka sa akin, para bang napakalaking kasalanan na na nagkagusto ako sayo!"

"Claire—" Bulong ng lalaking puno ng emosyon at hinanakit ang boses, ngayon lang narinig ni Claire ang ganitong klaseng boses ng dating amo, puno ito ng emosyong hindi niya mawari kung galit, pagkainis, or pagkalito sa sarili.

"And now that I have moved on... Now that I've found someone who cares for me deeply and who loves me, bigla kang magparamdam? Bigla kang lilitaw? How could you do this to me?"

"I'm sorry. I'm wrong."

"Yes, you are wrong. So stop this game now."

"I can’t."

"Stop liking me. Ano ba!" Sigaw niyang sabay suntok sa dibdib nito. "I love Owen. Stop liking me."

"I can't do that, Claire!"

"Gago ka ba talaga ha?"

"I'm in love with you, Claire. I can't stop..." napahinto si Luke sa sasabihin, napapikit ito ng mga matang ngayon ay luhaan na rin, para bang ngayon niya lang naramdaman kung ano itong emosyong hindi niya mabigyan ng pangalan noon, napamura ito at napa suntok ulit sa pader, "I can't... I tried! but I can't stop loving you!"

"Are you insane?!" Sigaw na tanong ni Claire, habang nakatingin sa duguang kamay ng dating amo.

"Yes, I'm insanely in love with you."

"No! P*tang *na naman oh. Boyfriend ko ang best friend mo! Ano ka ba?! " She exclaimed. "Owen is a great guy. He is your friend. Owen is kind. Why are you doing this? He likes me; he loves me for who I am. I like him more than he likes me, and did you even know that I love him so much?"

"Enough, Claire!" Pabulong na tugon ni Luke habang hawak-hawak ang kamay ni Claire na panay naman suntok sa dibdib niya.

“Enough,” sabi nito uli habang hinawakan ang mga nanginginig na mga kamay ng babaeng ilang lingo na ring hindi mawala sa isip niya. “Let me love you.”

"No! D*mn it! No Luke! Ano ka ba! Owen is much more well-mannered than you. Alam mo yan! He is warmer, nicer, more considerate. He is honest. He is everything I want." Napapikit si Claire sabay diing, "Alam niya kung nasasaktan ako, alam niya kung nalulungkot ako. He knew how to make me smile. He doesn't pretend; he is sweet, he is—"

"I said stop!" Pabulong na wika ni Luke habang napapayuko ito sa di malamang dahilan. He thought he had never been hurt before, pero ang mga mata ng babaeng mahal niya na puno ng galit at pagkadismaya sa kanya ay parang mga karayom na tumutusok sa puso niya. This was, after all, his fault. He had taken her for granted for so long. And now that she loves someone else, —she's moved on—now it's too late. Napapailing ito habang nakatingin sa babae.

Wala na ba talagang pag-asa na mahalin siyang muli ni Claire?

No! He would never give up, not now, not now that he knew he would never be the same again without her. Kumakabog ang puso niyang nagmamakaawa: "Claire, I can't live without you... Please take me back. Love me again..." Aniyang pabulong, hindi mawari kung ano ang susunod na sasabihin.

"No! I won't! I don't like you anymore.” Anyang sabay pahid ng luha. "You should know that Owen is a great man; he looks good, he makes me happy, and I like how he treasures me like I'm the most expensive diamond on earth."

"Enough!"

"He sure is a better kisser; he has a broad chest, he is gentler, he knows how to make me scream in bed. He is—"

"Stop!" sigaw na sabi ni Luke, "God, stop!"

Napakagat labi naman si Claire sa gulat dahil nakikita niya sa mga mata ni Luke ang pagtitimpi, sakit, at pagseselos. Maybe she went too far in the bed talk. Pero kailangang matauhan si Luke sa kahibangan nito.

"Owen is warm and comforting. And you? Luke?" Mahina niyang saad sabay tulak ulit nito sa dibdib. Ramdam niya ang mainit nitong hininga at halos rinig ang pintig ng puso nito. "You are the opposite. You know that, right?"

God, how could her love life be this complicated? Bakit kung ngayong nagyaya ng magpakasal si Owen? Bakit ngayon pa?

Luke closed his eyes and breathed heavily before he turned his gaze at her lips and said, "Damn it, Claire. I know that. Yes! I f*cking know that. Okay? He is a good man," sagot nitong puno ng emosyon ang boses, "Did you barge in here just to say that? To hurt my feelings?"

Napatingin naman si Claire sa mga labi nito.

"Get out, Claire." His jaw tightened.

"No—I'm not done yet." Anger poured through her. "I–I got your proposal to the British firm rejected because of me. W-why did you—"

"I said get out."

"You sacrificed a million-dollar contract because of my interview, because of me. Nahihibang ka ba talaga ha?" She said it with breathless anger and frustration.

"C-claire, get out, please!"

Humakbang namang tumalikod si Claire na puno ng luha ang mga mata ngunit bumalik din agad, "Damn it! Luke, ano ba talaga ang gusto mo ha? Bakit mo ako pinapahirapan ng ganito?" Sabay duro nito sa dibdib niya, "Why? W-what the hell do you want?"

"I want you."

"Y-you know you can't have me," she murmured and bit her lips, begging him to kiss her. Just kiss the hell out of her para matauhan siya sa kahibangang nararamdaman niya ngayong yakap-yakap siya ni Luke.

"It’ll be risky if you stay another minute, Claire. Get out now before I lose my mind completely," he murmured between heavy breathing and gazing at her lips. A muscle in his jaw twitched, knowing full well that their close proximity made his blood warm and tingly.

God, he wanted this woman so bad. Yes, he wanted her so much that he risked his friendship with Owen. And yes, he was insane for doing so.

"I passed the interview," sabi naman ni Claire, ignoring his warning gaze. "I wanted to tell you first. I got the job."

"I warn you that it's very dangerous if you stay a little longer," pabulong namang saad ni Luke, habang nakatingin sa luhaang mga mata ng babae. "Claire—"

"Owen is a great guy, Luke," bulong ni Claire habang papalapit ng papalapit ang mukha ni Luke sa mukha niya.

"I know."

"He is a good man," dagdag ni Claire. She wanted to break the passion in her eyes when Luke’s arms shifted behind her back, but couldn't. Their bodies aligned, and she became suddenly aware that he was hard and aroused. His eyes glazing as they locked on hers.

"Yes, Owen is a great guy," he responded with the same emotion he saw in Claire's eyes.

"And you are a bad person, Luke."

"Agree—"

"You are a bad friend too," dagdag wika ni Claire, habang nakatingin sa mga labing papalapit ng papalapit sa labi niya.

"I agree with that too," tugon ni Luke, sabay diin ng halik sa mga labi ng babae to which Claire responded with the same eagerness and passion.

One second Luke was locked on Claire’s mouth with nothing in his head except: Need. Want. Now.

Mga emosyong matagal na nilang kinikimkim ay parang isang bulkang biglang sumabog. Anger, pain, desire, need, and love erupted like fireworks.

"We are not supposed to be doing this, Luke," pabulong na sabi ni Claire in between kisses and moans. With her lungs shrinking, she pressed against him and arched into him as his lips came down again.

Tasting a sinful kiss.

"I know," pabulong na sagot Luke, habang parang uhaw na uhaw naman itong ninanamnam ang mga labi ng babae.

"Luke, this is so wrong," sabi niyang parang kinakapos ng hininga habang panay ang halik sa labi ng dating amo.

"Please be mine, Claire; I love you. I can't give you up that easily," bulong naman ni Luke habang sinasagot ng mga labi niya ang panginginig ng mga labi ni Claire habang sinusuklian ang halik niya.

"Luke, please, we need to stop this," she whispered between kisses. And though it was the entirely wrong time and the entirely wrong place, heat leaped up inside her, flaring through her veins. Breath thinning in her lungs, she pressed against him and arched into him as his lips came down again.

"I can’t stop, Claire."