Chapter 4

TW: Suicide

I ended up using the extra helmet. Hindi namin nahanap ang helmet ko. Madam saw me almost crying a river, but then it won't solved anything. Gabi na kaya hindi ko na rin muna inisip pang hanapin iyon. Kahit masama sa loob ko, I agreed to look for it the next day.

The next day, I get ready for my exam. I didn't told mama about the helmet dahil alam kong papagalitan niya ako. Hindi niya rin naman nakita ang dala kong helmet at nirason ko na lang na may klase kami ng 6-7 kahit sa Thursday pa ang sched ko na 'yon.

Hindi ko na muna inisip ang helmet dahil baka maapektuhan ang isasagot ko. Mahahanap ko iyon. Mamaya, hahanapin ko.

"Pre-finals niyo na, Masigpat. May mga natutunan naman ba?" bungad ni Ma'am Abby sa amin habang inaayos niya ang exam papers sa table niya.

In the same spot, I wasn't paying much attention to everyone. Naroon lang ako sa seat ko, nakahalumbaba habang nakatitig sa bawat pagflip ni Ma'am Abby ng pahina ng test paper.

Ilang beses rin akong nagbuntong hininga. Kung hindi pa ako tapikin ni Chie ay hindi ko mapapansin na nagpapasahan na pala ng test paper.

"Problema mo? Kanina ka pa." aniya habang inaabot ang test paper sa kaklase sa likod niya.

Nilingon niya ang likuran niya noong hindi pa rin nito kinukuha sakaniya.

"Bilisan mo, tangina! Pag ako walang nasagot Yxel kasalanan mo." sabi niya sa mahina na boses ngunit sakto lang para marinig ko at ni Yxel.

Simangot naman si Yxel sa kaniya.

"Ako pa sisihin mo sa kabobohan mo."

Akmang sasaktan niya si Yxel pero sinita siya ni Ma'am Abby. I keep my silence with me. Noong nagsimula na ang exam, I focused myself in it para naman hindi ko pagsisihan ang mga sagot ko. We did four subs in the morning, and exactly 11:30am dinismissed na kami.

I ran towards the gate hoping Madam Guard has my Evo pero disappointed lang ako na malamang wala pa din. Nagtanong tanong ako sa mga lower year but they told me na wala silang nakitang helmet. I even tried asking 3rd year and the OJT's but they told me the same answer.

I'm hopeless...

"Tatlong kanin nga po tapos isang order ng adobo....pabigyan na rin ng sabaw, Nay."

Nagpantig ang tenga ko sa pamilyar na boses na narinig.

I decided to eat my lunch at the Carinderia sa bandang likod ng Criminology kung saan madalas talagang kainan ng mga students. Nagtext na rin ako kay mama na hindi ako makakauwi dahil sharp 1pm ay dapat naroon na kami sa room.

A lot of students are there, each one of them are chitchatting, gossiping, but this one voice never leaves my head ever since I've heard it.

That hearing it once again is a kind of terror.

I stopped eating. I saw him in my peripheral na umupo siya sa katabing silya ko na bakante. He put something on the table na hindi ko pinagtuunan ng pansin dahil ang bawat galaw niya ang inaabangan ko.

He put his both arms on the table, taking glances on each of the people there. Until his eyes lingered on me. There's a thud on my chest the moment I realized his eyes stayed on me.

Nagkunware akong walang alam. Kunware hindi ko siya napapansin sa gilid ko. Kumain ako na parang normal since normal naman talaga ang kumain, baliw.

Teka, bakit ba ako kabado?

Nasa labas kami ng campus, I can definitely talk to him in my own manners. Pero tama naman na huwag ko na lang pansinin.

I saw Nanay, the owner of this carinderia coming towards him dala ang order niya. I saw him glancing at her before he smiled.

"Salamat po. Kumain na kayo?" he asked.

Nilalatag niya na ng maayos ang pagkain niya habang buo pa rin ang atensyon sa matanda.

"Sus, Ardent....Karinderya ko 'to, syempre kumain na ako." ani nito.

Ardent? I think I've heard that name somewhere else.

"Malay ko, Nay. Hindi ko naman nakita kaya nagtatanong ako." he's chuckling.

Wow, I didn't know his chuckles sounds so manly. Para akong nakikinig sa voice actor ni Shoto Todoroki ng MHA, though I've never heard Shoto laughed. Basta it sound  something like him.

"Kumain ka lang diyan, kapag kulang ang kanin mo sabihan mo lang ako."

"Libre, Nay?" aniya.

"Sshhh. Baka marinig ka." parang may nginuso siya sa banda ko pero nagkunwari pa din ako na busy kumain.

I saw him smirked. Ngumiti lang si Nanay bago umalis. Baka suki na talaga siya rito kaya libre na siya sa kanin.

Binilisan ko na lang kumain. Nakakahiya naman sakaniya baka pati dito magfeeling superior pa din siya.

I finished my food. I felt relieved at last. Kumukulo pa rin ang dugo ko sa taong 'to kaya siguro umiinit ang pakiramdam ko.

Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko and walked towards Nanay at the counter para magbayad. Halagang singkwenta lang ang kinain ko kaya sobrang tipid talaga na nandito 'tong carinderia.

"Salamat po." I said as a sign of gratitude for making such a great meal.

She only nod because of the arrivals of other customers. Tinalikuran ko na siya and walked towards my table earlier para kunin ang gamit ko. As I was walking, I can't help but glance at his position. Ngayon ko mas nadepina ang pisikal na anyo niya.

Gwapo talaga siya, e.

His body was in good shape, his biceps are bulky, tila sabak na sa mga physical training or sort of personal trainings since ang ibang OJT hindi naman kapareho sa katawan niya. Maybe he took a lot of care for his physique and for real, it screams vigor and authority.

His tanned skin gives much pretty adds on. Pwede siyang model kung iisipin. Though hindi nga lang pwede 'yung ugali niya as professionalism. Mapagmataas siya, e.

Umiwas ako ng tingin noong nag-angat siya ng atensyon. He glanced at me before busying himself on his food again.

I then looked at him again.

Looking at his face busy chewing his food, my eyes landed on the thing beside him which made my eyes grew and my heart jumped out of anger.

All of my admiration on him... vanished. My face heated.

"Putangina mong hayop ka talaga..." I hissed.

I walked towards him and slammed my palm on his table, making him almost choked his own food. I stare at him with so much anger. I can't believe it was him!

Pinagtitinginan ako ng ibang estudyanteng kumakain. But they continue eating after glancing at us.

He looked up at me, his mouth's semi full, and his hands holding his utensils.

"Problema?"

He have the guts to asked me that? Ang labo ng taong 'to, ah! Putangina, hindi ba siya makuntento na pinagtitripan niya ako sa campus at pati helmet ko paglalaruan niya?

"Ikaw ang problema! Tangina, hindi pa ba sapat sayo na ilang araw mo akong pinagtripan sa campus dahil lang feeling mo superior ka na? Iyong importanteng gamit ko pa talaga ang pinakealaman mo?" galit na galit ako.

Regalo ni Papa 'yon e! He bought me that helmet tapos may tarantadong pakialamero na kumuha tapos malalaman kong siya lang pala!

He chewed the food on his mouth and put down his utensils. He stared at me menacingly.

"What the hell are you talking about, Vartivo?"

Kinuha ko ang helmet na nasa tabi niya. His mouth hanged as if he was caught on actions. He drank his water and stood up.

"Vartivo--"

"Tangina mo!" I snap at his face bago ko siya talikuran.

Kinuha ko ang mga gamit ko pati na rin ang helmet. I glare at him bago tuluyang layasan ang lugar. I saw some students slowly chewing their food while looking intrigued at us. I didn't mind them. Sobrang naiinis ako sa putanginang Ardent na 'yan!

Ardent pala pangalan niya, ha? Hindi bagay sa kaniya. Mas bagay sakaniya ang impassive tutal wala siyang emosyon para sa iba. Sirang sira na naman ang araw ko at siya na naman ang dahilan!

I brought my helmet hanggang sa loob ng room. Alam kong bawal iyon pero hindi ko na hahayaang pakealaman niya pa ulit 'yon. I hid it behind my bag which were laid off on the floor.

Malalim ang pagbuntong hininga na ginawa ko habang pinagmamasdan ang kinalalagyan nito. I really can't believe it! Paano niya nasisikmurang bitbitin ang helmet ko knowing hindi iyon sa kaniya?

He's really too full of himself!

Hinilot hilot ko ang sintido ko habang pinagmamasdan ang orasan sa taas sa bandang gitna ng white board. It's quarter to one pero ako pa lang ang nasa room. May mga kaklase ako na nakita kanina sa daan kaya alam kong nariyan lang sila sa kung saan.

"Vartivo..."

Awtomatiko ang gulat ko sa boses na narinig. I stopped caressing my forehead as I slowly looked at him. Naroon siya sa bintana. Noong lumingon ako ay lumipat siya sa pinto.

"Sinong may sabi--" my mouth was in awe when I remember we're in campus right now.

Shit. Nakakagigil ka talaga!

"S-Sir...." I gritted my teeth.

He stared at me, his forehead was wrinkled in confusion, seems like he don't know how to address it to me.

Before he could even talk, my classmates were behind him asking him politely to give them a way for entrance. They all greeted him, then they looked at me.

"May ginawa na naman ata si Solemn."

"Hindi. Baka napagtripan na naman."

"Tss. mga OJT nga naman."

The last one was heard noong nakapantay ko siya kaya hindi niya iyon narinig. Zeya, the one who said it, smiled at me.

"Okay lang 'yan, Solemn. Matatapos din 'yan." aniya bago tumuloy sa upuan niya.

I gave her my small smile. Yeah? I hope he does. Dahil hindi ko na talaga mapapalampas ang mga susunod.

He was gone when I look at the entrance. Napahinga ako ng maluwag. When I look at him in the window, he's walking away towards the gate. He talked to Madam Guard na tila ba problemado siya. Madam's forehead was wrinkled. She then looked at my place and gasped.

What? May alam si Madam dito? Alam niya na 'yang lintek na OJT na 'yan ang kumuha? Kaya ba problemado siya dahil alam niyang mali ang ginawa niya?

Tangina nila. Napahilot akong muli sa sintido ko. Sa lumipas na taon ko rito ngayon lang nila naisipang bwisitin ang buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Dumating na ang prof namin na mag-aassist sa amin sa last 3 subs namin ngayong hapon. Hanggang alas kwatro lang kami ng hapon kaya naman excited na akong umuwi.

All too well. I know I did great on my exam.

Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it,

I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it,

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own,

Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone....

The music was all in my ear pods while driving home. I'm a swiftie since RED era. She's such a nice song artist, and I really like her words of wisdom crafted into a song. Nabubuhayan ako palagi kapag naririnig ko ang boses niya.

Cause there we are again when I loved you so,

back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known, it was rare, I was there,

I remember it all too well....

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all, Down the stairs you were there,

you remember it all....

I got home, on the other side, happy for having my helmet again. I feel Papa with me kapag suot ko ito. Pakiramdam ko nakayakap siya sa akin while I was driving, making sure I'm safe.

"Ma, nakauwi na ako!" I said while closing the door behind me.

Walang sumagot sa akin. Siguro ay nagluluto sa kusina. Diretso ako sa kwarto ko para doon na iwan ang mga gamit ko. I put my helmet on the cabinet katabi ng Zebra. Mabilis akong nagbihis para makipagkwentuhan kay mama.

I wore t-shirt and black maong shorts. Tinalian ko rin ang buhok ko into a messy bun. I ran happily towards the kitchen but to my horror, I saw Mama on the floor.

Knife with blood on the counter top. Near her wrist was blood also.

Blood....a lot of blood.

"Mama!" I screamed.

I ran towards her, I tried to wake her up pero she's already unconscious. I checked her neck pulse, at hindi na ako nag-atubiling kunin ang phone ko.

I called the hospital and they came afterwards to bring Mama. While I wait, they told me to hold the wounds para tumigil ang pagdurugo. They asked me kung kelan pa nangyare but I couldn't answer because I don't even know.

Marami ang dugong nawala kay Mama so I undergo transfusion since pareho naman kami ng blood type. I waited for the doctor outside the OR. I cannot contain my emotions to subtle.

Ang hirap isipin. My mama committed suicide. She tried killing herself!

Hindi lang pulso ang may hiwa. She even tried to stab her belly. Mabuti na lang raw at hindi iyon malalim at wala namang natamaang internal organs. When the doctor goes out from the OR, magang maga na ang mata ko. But he nodded assuring me that it's all fine.

"She's fine. She lost a lot of blood, pero wala namang nadamage na ugat sa pulso niya. She just need more transfusion and.... she'll wake up after the lost of effectiveness of anaesthesia."

Tumango ako, still crying. "Thank you, Doc."

He tapped my shoulder and fixed his stethoscope around his neck.

"She's a fighter." he said before walking away.

Tumango tango ako, believing everything he says. Mama is....she is a fighter. Nangako syang hindi niya ako iiwan. She won't leave me.

I waited until they let me go inside. At noong inilipat na siya ng room ay hindi ko siya nilubayan. I prayed and prayed to see her wake up. Pero nakatulog ako dahil sa kaiiyak.

When I woke up, I felt her hands on my head. She's gently patting it and even was singing our favorite song.

"Remember when

We vowed the vows and walked the walk

Gave our hearts, made the start, and it was hard, We lived and learned life threw curves

There was joy, there was hurt

Remember when...."

I didn't move from my position. I keep listening to her voice. She's singing all her hearts, and all her souls.

"Remember when

Old ones died and new were born

And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged, We came together, fell apart..."

She paused. I hear her gasped.

"....and broke each other's hearts

Remember when..."

She then started sobbing. Pero patuloy niya pa ring kinakanta. It seems like she's remembering all her past with Papa, it felt like she's reminiscing it all.

"Remember when

We said....when we turned gray

When the children grow up and move away

We won't be sad..... we'll be glad

For all the life we've had...."

She cried harder before she sang the last line.

"And we'll remember when....

Remember....when

Remember when...."

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. I sobbed and cry in silence while hearing her suffer....and by now being swallowed by the emotions she's been hiding from me.

I thought she's okay already. I thought we've move on. She just had no courage to tell me that she's not, and she will never moved on from the best love she ever had.

Papa gave her everything.

And that everything will break her heart....forever.

Songs used:

♡Remember when by Alan Jackson

♡All too Well by Taylor Swift

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.