2. Two

I could tell you the second the energy around me changed and the exact moment I felt Harper standing on the other side of the door to my bedroom. Suddenly, I wanted to throw the door open and be embraced by him. 

So far, I had my instincts lead me, and look where that got me. Fucking nowhere! 

I know he needed to talk because that's what always happened, didn't it?! He creates messes and apologizes thereafter. Well, this time it wasn't any small mess we were talking about; this was pretty big and he had to understand it.

I was tired, so damn tired. I shouldn't have to do this every step of the relationship. It felt as if I was crossing some sort of checkpoint and already waiting for the next one to come. There's only so much I can take.

I sat down on my bed and faced the door, not entirely ready to face the person I loved, not sure how I would be able to discuss with him how he had gotten my best friend pregnant.

I heard the doorknob spin and the door swung open to reveal a flustered Harper. The sight of him made my heart soar and sore at the same time. It's weird how circumstances bind us.

Whatever he was going to say, he better say it fast because I don't think anything he was going to say would make anything better.

Harper must have realized he would not be greeted with hugs and kisses because he sighed and slowly stepped inside my room.

I briefly wondered which one of my parents let him in, now that both of them had warmed up to him. The thought irked me beyond limits but my thoughts came to a halt when I realized Harper had closed the door softly before moving slowly towards me.

I could feel my body growing stiff with every step he took in my direction. I took a deep breath when I felt him settle on the bed beside me.

Well, at least he had the sense to leave some distance between us. 

He groaned out loud which made me look at him closely. He was looking at the door and I was watching him, wondering how he was so close to me and yet so far.

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration and finally looked at me. I wanted to forget everything and get lost in the green pools he called eyes. 

"Zara, I never meant to hurt you." Yeah, that's what everyone says. " You're my mate, I can't hurt you." Yet you did!

I waited for him to say something meaningful, something which he meant.

"Fuck! Where do I even start?!" He ran his hand through his hair once again, messing it up even more. I bunched my hand in my lap to stop them from reaching over and patting them down.

Harper took a deep breath and I watched how frustrated he was. Frustrated with life and the situation we were in.

"Do you remember I told you that white wolves have problems conceiving with their mates?" What has that got to do with anything? I nodded anyway.

"And do you remember that I once said that I never really had a good example of mates, one I could follow?" I weakly nodded. He had told me this after I had asked him why he had slept around with everyone even when he knew he had a mate waiting for him, the same day I had proposed we just remained friends.

"Well, it's true." Harper chuckled but it didn't sound happy at all. I had this uneasy feeling in my body and I knew whatever he was going to tell me, I wouldn't like it at all.

He had a faraway look in his eyes and I felt his body go rigid with every word he spoke. "Well, my parents did too. They loved each other so much, according to my grandparents. They were attached to the hip." Wow, I wonder what changed.

"See, we werewolves are partly animals and our animalistic instincts take over most of the time. Do you know what is the most primal urge?"

I didn't answer him, I could feel it was a rhetorical question and he didn't look like he wanted to be interrupted.

"The most primal instinct of any animal is to procreate, to have babies, and ensure the survival of their species. The males of any species always know how to impregnate the female, even when nobody taught them that."

"So, after a werewolf couple has mated and a couple of years pass, their wolves make them want to have babies, to create pups. It's pretty normal. Most mated couples conceive in a few months."

"So, after my parents were done with all the fooling around, they decided to try for their pups." Harper out air quotes when he said "fooling around" and I watched him silently.

"They knew that they would experience difficulty in getting pregnant but they knew they loved each other and promised that they would get through everything together. They had marked each other by then and were committed for life."

"My father was 20 and my mother was 18 when they met each other. They both realized that it was high time to have pups after three years." Harper turned his head and his green orbs stared into my blue ones. "Do you know what were their ages when they finally conceived me?"

I gently shook my head and I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I didn't have a good feeling about this.

Still looking into my eyes, Harper went on. "My father was 40 years old when they finally conceived me."

He left the sentence hanging in the air and I gasped out loud. 17 years?! Harper's parents tried for seventeen fucking years for a child.

Would it be the same for Harper and me? I suddenly remembered how he had mentioned that fertility reduces drastically when a werewolf is mated with a human. I felt a tear slip from my eye at the thought of what we would have to face in the future if I decided to stay with him. I hastily wiped the tear away before he could wipe it himself.

Harper's face softened when he caught me doing that but he made no move to touch me and I was glad he didn't. 

"They stood strong and kept trying for ten fucking years. They loved each other and tried the best they could."

"Everything went downhill when one day my mom caught my dad sleeping with a widowed pack member." I gasped and I felt another tear slip down my cheeks.

"All their promises went down the drain after that because instead of confronting my father, as my mother should have, they started sleeping with other unmated wolves in the pack." I didn't know what to say but I didn't need to say anything because Harper was the one doing all the talking.

"My mother had suffered through so many carriages but she easily conceived so many times when she mated with other pack males. The same with my dad." His expression morphed into one of disgust and I couldn't help but be saddened at the thought.

"A few years in, things got so bad that my mom moved out of my dad's room. She took up residence on another floor, far away from him and neither of them had any problems with the arrangement."

Fuck! That was so messed up.

"They still kept trying, but it had become more of a duty than an act of passion or love. I don't know how their wolves felt during those seven years and I don't want to imagine. Your wolf shuts you out when you sleep with someone other than your mate and when it happens for too long, your connection to your wolf breaks, which is painful and life-threatening. If you survive, you will be depressed for the rest of your life, because you won't be able to shift anymore."

"My mom used to temporarily shift in my dad's room whenever she was the most fertile, per her monthly periods." Harper gulped and I could see tears shining in his eyes. I had to control myself not to comfort him and rub his back.

"You know, when my mother conceived me, she wasn't even sure if the baby's father was my dad. My mom had to go through a paternity test to make sure whose baby it was. They both had slept around so much, with absolutely no regard to their mates and mate bond."

I felt sorry for him, I did. I came from a family where my parents were madly in love with each other and still strong as ever. They made me believe in love and I could understand how the opposite had worked for Harper. If my loving parents could make me believe in love, couldn't Harper's parent's damaged relationship have taught him otherwise?

"My dad finally stopped sleeping with other women after I was conceived but my mom didn't. She slept with other males even when I was growing inside her." Wow, now that's a different kind of messed up.

"My dad slowly realized how he and my mother had lost crucial years of their life sleeping around when they should have cared for each other. He begged my mother to stop and she reluctantly conceded to his demands."

"They started from scratch again and my dad fell in love with my mom once again but my mom didn't. I don't know why; I don't know how but I know that she didn't. He loves her so much and she just doesn't." He shrugged but I could see the strength it took for him to act casually about it all.

"She doesn't sleep around with anyone but the magic between them isn't there anymore. I have never seen any magic between my parents whatsoever. I have always seen them fighting. They used to fight so much, all the damn time and I remember how I used to escape to my grandparent's house when I was old enough."

A tear slipped my eye when I imagined a seven-year-old boy with green eyes crying over his parents' fights and running in the woods tonight to his grandparent's house, just to get a semblance of peace.

Harper reluctantly moved forward and cupped my cheek to wipe away the tear and I let him. I leaned into his touch and after a few seconds, he slowly withdrew his hand away.

"I know my grandparents had a rocky relationship too and my great-grandparents before that. Stories like these aren't a secret. Everyone in the pack knows them but they are chicken to say anything about it."

"I started taking the mate bond for granted because seeing other mates didn't help at all. They didn't go through what my parents did and so their love and closeness meant nothing to me. Other mates didn't exactly set a good example for me. As I grew up, I realized that I had better chances of staying happy if I chose a mate instead of mating with my destined one."

"And I was going to do exactly that until I saw you. My wolf was instantly in love with you and it took ounces of willpower for me to stay away from you. My dad made me realize how unstable our relationship could be in the future and told me that I wouldn't want to put you through all the pain that he had suffered in his life."

"I was angry, I was so goddamn angry, Zara because I understood where he was coming from. I knew he was right. I knew that I had to let you go, let you fall in love with a normal human, and have human kids. Fuck! Even the thought pains me now!"

The thought of Harper being with any girl made my chest ache. I could only imagine how it would feel to him, knowing that the bond felt stronger to him.

"That night, I was so angry and I was hurting. So much. Blame me but I wanted to hurt you too. So, I seduced Natalie to sleep with me. She fought me hard even when I reached and stroked her wolf's desire, I knew she didn't want to betray you. But in some twisted way, I thought I could hurt you by sleeping with one of your best friends. I know it's fucked up and you probably won't understand it, but fuck!" He took a deep breath and ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

He got up from the bed and sat down in front of me. He slowly took my hands in his and looked me straight in the eye.

"Zara, I love you."

I love you too!

The words died in my throat; I couldn't speak them but I'm sure my eyes conveyed to him what words couldn't.

He cupped my cheek with one hand and I leaned into his embrace. "Just promise me one thing."

I parted my lips, silently asking him to continue.

"Please hold onto me. Don't let go of us."