Chapter 6 Pushing Away The Chance

DAY 4

NATASIA'S POV

I woke up with a heavy head. Slowly I opened my eyes and was surprised that I was lying in our bed. The last time I remembered ay sa couch ako nakahiga while watching series of movies at N*****x.

I turned my head to my side, on the space dedicated for Chad but he was not there. Unconsciously, I touched the beddings and found it was warm. Maybe kakabangon lang din ni Chad. Pero what time na kaya siya nakauwi?

My lips curved and formed a smile thinking that he carried me into our bed. Suddenly, I felt the urge to see him. Hinawi ko ang makapal na comforter na nakatakip sa aking katawan at hinanap ng aking mga paa sa gilid ng kama ang aking tsinelas. Another smile plastered on my face thinking Chad intentionally put it there knowing that this is what I used to.

I stood up, pero nakakadalawang hakbang pa lang ako ng bigla akong bumagsak sa sahig. I knew it created noise and might have caught Chad's attention outside.

My legs were numb. I'm trying to stand up but in no avail. My hand was also shaking. Nabibingi na ako sa lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Halo-halo ang nararamdaman ko. My illness was starting to eat me up and I am so nervous and frightened not for myself, not for my body but for the possibility that Chad found out about my condition.

I need to get up. I need to go back to bed before Chad comes back in.

With all my strength I pulled my legs, crawling on the floor until I reached the edge of the bed. And with my strength left in me, I pushed hard my body to reach the bed and settle down there, just exactly enough before the door opened and came in Chad.

"Love, glad you're awake. Ano yung kumalabog dito?" he immediately asked as he strolled to me.

I just shook my head to answer.

"Okay. Love, ready na ang breakfast natin," he said, a sweet smile flashed on his face. I just looked at him, when was the last time again when he called me "Love?" Why can't I even remember? And now, he called me "Love" two times in a row. The first one hindi ko na sana papansinin because it might just slip off the tongue, no meaning at all. But on the second time…

I was still contemplating if I would shrug it off or call his attention and warned him to not call me that sweet nothing again when I heard him speak once more.

"Hey, it seems like you woke up on the wrong side of bed," he said, calling my attention and I realized that I spaced out for a few minutes.

"Ahm, no, not really–I guess?" I said, undecided about what to say.

"Then let's go, you might be hungry na."

He reached for my hand, leading me to stand up, but then I remembered hindi nga pala ako makatayo. Until now, I could feel that my legs were numb and wobbly.

"Mauna ka na, hindi pa ako gutom. I want to stay in bed pa, napuyat kasi ako last night." It's a lame excuse I know, but this was the first thing that entered in my mind as an excuse para hindi niya ako pilitin na tumayo at maglakad papunta sa dining area to have breakfast.

"Alright, I'm sorry that… ahm, you have to stay awake late waiting for me," his face was red and when he stared at me, I saw how sincere he is and wait, is he blushing? And there's a spark in his eyes just like those teenage boys kapag napansin sila ng crush nila, well that is if I was not mistaken. 

But, although it's true that I waited for him, I didn't want to leave that impression to him, so I uttered, "No, you don't have to say sorry and how proud are you to think that I waited for you. Watching movies late at night was one of my ways to relax nowadays or should I say since you were gone."

"Oh…" this was the only word that came out from his mouth in response to my long alibi, saving me from this awkward situation. 

His already red face became redder, though earlier he blushed thinking that I commited time to wait for him, but now the redness all over his face down to his neck was shouting of shamefulness and the twinkle in his eyes earlier were replaced by a fang of hurt.

In the back of my head I felt guilty for shaming him. I didn't intend to do this but the words already slipped out of my mouth, hindi ko na mababawi pa if I want to save myself as well.

"Well, if that's the case then let me go ahead and take my breakfast now," isang pekeng ngiti ang kanyang pinakawalan and I just nodded in response.

His shoulders slumped down as he walked outside the bedroom. Sadness lingered in my heart. 

I saw the happiness in his eyes earlier ng pumasok siya sa kwarto at iyon ang gusto ko, ang makita siyang masama, ang muli kaming maging masaya–magkatabi sa pagtulog, magkasabay magbreakfast, go shopping together but why now na nandito na siya I'm pushing him away. And why? Because of my fear na malaman niya that I can't stand up … that I was dying.

I roughly brushed my hair with my fingers in annoyance. Then my tightly closed fist started punching my numb legs. My tears started welling down, hindi dahil sa sakit ng pagsuntok ko sa sarili ko but because of feeling weak and helpless. I hate myself! I really hate myself! I hate being sick! I hate that I am dying when what I want is to live more years hoping to save our marriage again.

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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER:

I am not a professional physician and have no professional knowledge in medicine. Some medical conditions, treatment, advice, medication, symptoms, etc. may not be accurate. If you have experienced the same thing it is recommended to seek for professional diagnosis and advice. Thank you!