XIX. Sorry

Sol.

We circled the bonfire. I'm holding my notebook and drawing something in it when Phoenix Glenn sat beside me.

The cold wind blows, making me shake. I'm still wearing my dress which happens to be so thin.

"Don't you know how to play the guitar, Sol?" Kollin asked.

He handed me his guitar and everyone looked at me. I heave a sigh as I try to recall the chords. It's been ten years since I played the guitar.

I played the song I played when we had our first practice for the school festival in college. 

Stupid memories assaulted me and I closed my eyes real tight to push them away.

The string broke when I strum at the last part. They are all quiet as they stare at me like I've grown two heads.

"I didn't mean it," I told Kollin but they were still silent.

I started to feel uncomfortable. Does my voice sound horrible? Are the notes wrong? Are they angry because I broke a string?

Kollin stood up and the guys followed.

"I think, this is the perfect time for you guys to talk. We're going back to the hotel. We hope that you fix things you need to fix tonight. " Kollin said and left us two alone here.

We were both silent as we stared at the fire. I've sensed that those four are into something but I ignored it. 

Everything was okay earlier. We enjoyed jet skiing, eating together, and talking non-sense. But if it's just the two of us? I suddenly have difficulty in breathing.

"Sol ..."

I did not answer.

"How are you?"

What should be the answer to his question? 

"I'm fine, but here I am, still can't move on. You suddenly left me in the air. You did alone the things you promised we would do together. You chose your dream over me so-

"I'm OK."

I heard him sigh. He is like that when he is not satisfied with my answer. What does he want me to tell him?

"Tell me the truth. Let's talk about it since we're here now. Are you okay? "

No. I'm not okay. I think I will never be okay.

"You want an honest answer, Glenn?"

"Yes, shout at me, hurt me, it's fine. I just need to know what you feel. " He said in frustration.

I keep a straight face and stare directly into his eyes. His face is still the same ten years ago except for the fact that he grew more handsome than before.

"What's the difference between saying okay before and saying okay now? I'm good, I'm living my own life, not perfect but at least I'm trying to live. "

"Are you okay that we broke up? Why didn't you cry back then? "

I bitterly smiled at his question. The memories from that day suddenly came rushing back to me.

Mommy and daddy have separated. Messy at home. Mommy was crying. She doesn't even pay attention to me. 

The twins, on the other hand, are busy calming her down. 

Recently my heart almost broke. 

Mommy tried to commit suicide. Caleb found her lying in her bed full of blood on her wrist. They rushed her to the hospital. 

I did not go, I could not go. I don't want to see mama like that. 

Daddy and I haven't been okay for a few months now so I wasn't surprised when I heard them two days ago. 

Dad's having an affair with another woman and even used our savings in the casino. 

I cried a lot when I saw mommy. It just hurts, the fact that she tried to leave me alone.

I called Glenn. I haven't been able to talk to him for a week. 

Every time I go to their house, he is always away. 

Even Alvie did not know where he was going.

Vacation is near. We will also celebrate our monthsary next week, maybe this is one of his gimmicks again. 

He always has a tendency for surprises.

I would not have planned to go to school if he had not just texted that we would meet at the coffee shop across from the school. 

My eyes were full of tears so I even wore shades just so he couldn't see.

I was approaching the coffee shop when I saw Eunice leave the table where he was sitting. 

Suddenly I felt worse. He told me not to be jealous of Eunice because nothing should be jealous about. He said they were just friends and the dean asked him to accompany her. 

Maybe that is related to the scholarship he is applying for in Korea but I did not ask. I trust him so I know he will not fool me.

I waited another five minutes before approaching him. He hugged me tightly. The hug you thought we would never meet again. I want to cry to him because of the number of problems I face.

"Are you okay? Why did you just show up to me today? " I asked.

He looks nervous. He was restless in his seat so I knew something was wrong. I was also suddenly nervous. 

These past few months, we are not okay. I feel we are not okay because he seems to be far away even though we are together. But even so, I thought, I tried to smile. Maybe it's because he just had a problem at school or his daddy scolded him.

"I think ... we need to end everything here." He said softly.

It was as if cold water had been poured on me. He said that without looking at me. I faked my laugh and smack his arms jokingly.

"Stop me with your jokes, babe. Maybe later I will believe, go ahead. "

"I'm not kidding. I think we better end this here before we are completely hurt. I think I can't stand it yet. I still have a lot to do. I think it's the best for both of us. Let's stay as friends first. "

I want to shout but it's tiring.

"Is that so? Will I also return your belongings? Is it okay to do it tomorrow? I don't know. I'll just deliver it to you ... no, I'll just give it to Alvie. It's awkward because if I show up to you, right? All right, I'll go first. I'm still going to visit mommy. Wil you okay be okay here? "

I smiled at him before I left.

I heave a sigh and close the notebook I'm holding. Today was supposedly our 11th anniversary if he didn't break up with me.

"That day... I realized crying in front of the one you love won't do anything. That day, my parents decided to part lives. I was hoping that you'll be there, make me feel better ... but end up breaking my already broken heart into tinier bits. That day, I learned to cry in silence and to suffer alone because there'll be no one to stop me from crying. No one will save me from the mess I'm in. If I cried in front of you, will that change the fact that you decided to leave me? Since that day, I promised myself that if someone left me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best. "

After that day, he suddenly disappeared. I just heard from his cousin that he flew to Korea with Eunice. After a week, Zeck fetches us in Korea and stay with him.

"You should have told me. I didn't know what happened to your parents. You didn't tell me. It took me a year to find out that you're in Korea, too. "

"You didn't ask. Where were you when I needed you, Glenn? I thought when I got to Korea, I would be happy. I wait every day for you to come, for you to change your mind and realize that you can't afford to be without me. But that only happens in dramas and novels. I was really thankful for Kollin when he visited even though I tried to push him away, I was touched because he remember visiting. But you? "

He didn't say a word. He's waiting for me to spit everything out.

"It's just annoying because I thought for a long time I didn't talk to you and didn't see you, I'm already okay. That the pain is gone. But when I saw you again, all the pain came back. You suddenly disappeared, Glenn. Then now you come back, ask if I'm okay? Are you really stupid? "

I stood up and turned around. There is nothing I can do even if I blame him for everything that happened. We can never return the things that were long done.

"I'm sorry. I really do." He said.

What he did next froze me. He hugged me from the back like he don't want to let me go anymore.

"I'll do anything to make it up to you. I missed you so much. It drives me crazy knowing that we're standing on the same ground and breathing the same air yet I can't find you. Give me this shot please. "