1. One Fan Girl

"Looking for answers when there aren't any. But still we learn. Isn't that not what life is about?"

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"And this year's Artist of the year goes to... Heathens!" The presenter announced to the hopping crowed. After the announcement the crowed went crazy, and I too jumped up and down on my bed but with as minimal of a sound as I could make, so as to produce as little noise as possible. The bubbles in my stomach were on high, it felt like I listend to euphoria for the very first time.

The screen displayed a very humble Heathens going on the stage, waving around their hands, looking around, specially at Devils, their fandom, and a bright smile adorned thier face as if they just revived their lover. But we all knew the only lovers at this moment in time were only Heathens and Devils.

Some fans were crying, singing in chorus to the hit song of Heathens which was playing in the background of the event. I had tears in my eyes, they bowed to everyone, not caring if they were staff or the camera man. When they reached the stage, I expected Noah to have the Mic, but Jake beat him to it. Which I already knew, because you know, spoilers?

The first word he said was "Devils!" and I felt loved, that one emotion which I was craving so much from my family, but this seven people who don't even know me, want me to live, to the people like me, to all the unfortunate people like me. All the other members were waving and making hearts to the camera and the crowed.

It was six in the morning, when I found that my friend sent me the whole video of this years American Music Award. I was so happy I could have screamed so hard that all the glasses in the house would be laying in pieces, with three bodies whose death would be caused by brain explosion.

But fortunately, I didn't let that happen as I only scremed in my lovely fluffy and puffy pillows. If I wouldn't have, then definitely, the one laying dead would be me, as mother hates Heathens and she would kick my ass for lossing my mind.

I unfortunately couldn't watch the show live, when it was broad casted. Since mom, Sera and Chris wouldn't let me see the show. How unfortunate of a fate that I have! I cursed my fate.

They are huge haters of Heathens, yeah unfortunately the very people I fight on the net, I live with them. I don't know why fate likes to spit on my face.

I sighed.

I still don't understand, why? Why do they hate them? The very people who have done nothing wrong but gave their daugther hope, love and escape to peace. The very someone, who they don't know? Without even knowing how the person actually is? What are their personalities like and what are they teaching to the people?

That just makes them such a figure in this unjustified world, a world of prejudice.

Mom doesn't hate them though. She just doesn't like the fact of me going crazy over something, liking screaming, defending and talking so lovingly about the people I don't even know personally. I dont blame her, if I didn't meet Heathens, then I too would think I was messed up in the head.

Mom is ill, and she thinks of me even in her sick state. But I know this too, if you don't agree with others opinion, then there is no need to push those opinions or suck rude behaviours, in the name of love. But yet again, I should think more about her, more then anything else, more then myself.

"HEY CILIA CARPENTER! ARE YOU COMING DOWNSTAIRS OR ARE YOU DEAD ALREADY?!" Rang the voice of Sera in my ears like a banshee.

Ugh! I feel so annoyed right now! She is probably throwing a tantrum because of the mess I created last night in order to get my video d******ded. But of course, I didn't get to d******d it, unfortunately yet again. Seriously the luck I got from God, is equal to how cold the sun is!

So I left the mess that I created and went to bed, to sleep like a sloth. I lazily got out of bed, showered, brushed and got dressed. Once I'm done, I sprint downstairs, with my bag hanging by my shoulder. On my way down suddenly, a searing pain courses it's way through my scalp.

"Owch!" I yell in pain and drop my bag, taking a hold of the persons hand that grabbed my hairs, so that they would leave my hair.

"You unworthy little- little thing! Do you see all the mess you created? For whom huh? For those lousy, trashy and money loving gays? Those snakes?"

Now I know why my scalp felt like it was being torn apart. Somebody just yanked a fistful of my hairs. Because of the hate in the words towards Heathens. My heart pained so bad for them, that my mind could not register who's voice my ears had heard.

At first, I thought that it was Sera, but then I saw her sitting across from where I stood, beside the sofa. The voice is female, yet elderly and finally the wheels in my head turned and the registration comes to my mind- MOM!

"Mom! What are you doing? Let go of my hair! Mom! Please, it hurts so bad!" I protest, and tears were stinging at my eyes and I tried to contain them in the jail of my eyes. Mom wouldn't listen, even if I pleaded.

"You ruined everything! My stuff! Where is my stuff?" She asked, her voice filled with rage and hate.

"I really don't know were they are Mom! I really don- ouch... I really don't know were your meds are. It must be somewhere? Were you havent looked yet? We can find it together- ouch... we can find it, mom! Just please let go of my hair now mom, please!" I almost lost the prisoners in the jail of my eyes.

Slowly, she loosened her grip on my open hairs and they fell over my face like a curtain, which I used as a opportunity to suck my tears back.

Mother didn't calm down, she was fuming. Seriously, I have never seen her act like this for her meds before. My scalp still hurts like hell but it's just a little pain, compared to Mom's. Because she is not in her right mind and she must be in lot of pain, to act like this, to hurt me. She is my Mom after all.

Mom just glared at me and without any further words, she retreated to her room, maybe to double check, if she missed spoting her meds. I follow behind, because somehow I feel gulity, like it's my fault.

I stop in my track as I heard Chris's voice rumble "We should probably take her phone away, Mom, She has became very inattentive these day's because of the shits and craps she love! They even wear Make-up! You know who likes those gays!? Children! I guarantee you, they are not even real men to begin with!"

He laughed with Sera like two hooligans. I was fuming with rage, and I felt like a Tiger watching it's next prey. Before I said anything to defend Heathens, he started again. "What were they called again? Damn! I can't even name them! They are so unfamous!! Over rated! What where they called again? Demonic Gays!? Bang those Gays!? LowFun Gays? Shameless boys?" Chris laughs at his own lame jokes, followed by the laughter of Sera.

"Damn man! Why does she like them so much?" Sera states.

I shut my eyes, tryung to stop there words from getting to me.

Sera continued "Why does she even like them so much, when they don't even know who she is?" She questioned.

"To quench her thirst! Because they love each other!" Chris replied and laughed, I felt toung tied, hearing those words.

She then turned towards me and with a little smirk she said "You are just one in a million girl, stop wasting time, they are just pretending to love you, so that their ass can get famous."

They laughed again, while I clenched my fist and my jaws so tight, I might have shattered some of my teeth.

I looked at mom for help, thinking she will say something to shut their shit spitting mouths. I thought she would say somethings on the line that I'm hurt, and it's not right to bad mouth, but no! I was wrong!

She remained silent.

Instead a small smile played in the corner of her lips. Like she enjoyed it. No, she enjoyed the insults which were irrevilant.

Wow, just wow, That made her smile?

How can they live with themelves? How can they make a laugh of someone that they never met? Especially when that SOMEONE did so much for humanity.

Heathens are one reason why some people wake up every day in the morning, Why some people believe that there is still hope in this bitter world. They thought us that the world is sweet, but bitter at the same time, the world is bitter-sweet.

I am one of them, the people who gained themselves again, the self love, the hope, life and friends, lovers at the same time. All in this seven people.

Heathens is all I have, I am nothing, literally nothing without them, just dust, just a broken piece and hopeless promise. But the insults, the hate aimed at someone so beautiful, that's what made Mom smile like there was no other day left on earth, that was the cause of her happiness at this moment. Thats what lightened Mom's mood, despite the fact that she was in a bad temper, and couldn't handle my shit, but she could handle the shit bags words. Talking shit about good people, makes my family's day. That's the kind of family I live in, unfortunately.

Without another word, I lift my bag that had fallen on the ground, and storm outside, the sounds of my feet ringing in the background of their never ending laughter.

Nobody calls out for me, Nobody asked if I had breakfast, Nobody asked if I need a lift to school. My eyes sting with tears that I hold back, because I am not weak, I wouldn't cry, I would not let them win.

"Don't cry... don't cry. Its okay, it's totally fine, there are still people who love you." I chant to myself as I speed walk my way to school.

I tell myself, I can't just break down now. Not when my friends are waiting for me, they would want to know how I felt when I watched The American Music Awards, even if I watched it like six months late.

I should tell them how I felt when I saw them smile, special the boxy smile of Victor, how dashing Heathens looked, how many fans would kill for them and how handsome my bias Victor looked.

They would want to know, and with that, I sighed and pulled myself together. Many people were glancing my way, that's why yet again, I ran like a whale out of water. Because you know? Embarrassment exsist.

Even if the world looks you in the eye and tells you that you are nothing, and you never will be the one in your dreams, or the fact that you are unworthy of anything and nobody appreciates you, remember that there are some people out there who will just think the opposite of that, who will love you, for who you are, of what you have become, of who you will be.

And most of all, it doesn't matter what others think of you, be it good or bad. It's up to you to decide how you will act, kind or rude. Nobody can tell you who you are, You are, who you are, who you wish to be, and what you will be. There is no changing it, opinion does not matter, what matter is your work.

Don't chase people's opinion but chase yours and you will get, what you were waithing for your entire life. So just smile and walk again. As long as you love yourself, that's all that matters, even if it means you have to cut out toxic people.

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