8- Hold me

Every time I saw Sebastian with Pollen, my heart became numb. I wanted to stop loving him. I wanted to stop looking at him the same way I'd been looking at him since the moment we made those vows. I wanted to hate him for playing with me the way he was doing, but I couldn't. 

Each time something happened, I made excuses for his mistakes. The sad truth is that I'd do it all over again without hesitation. But it wasn't his fault. I'd willingly take the blame for believing his vacant promises.

A wave of jealousy ran through me when Pollen locked her arm into Jake's. Sebastian and Pollen had caught up with Jake and Elena. Immediately, Jake's eyes found mine. He was concerned about my reaction, but I had no right to ruin his night. I gave him a smile of reassurance before stepping away for the waiter. I took a drink from the tray and turned back to Alex. He was inspecting the bottle of wine I gave him. 

"It sure is my favorite one," he chuckled. He settled the bottle into the bag before checking his watch. "I have a friend of mine coming tonight. If you don't mind-"

"Go on. I'll be right here when you come back," I assured him. 

Alex settled the bag near the other gifts, and I watched him head to the entrance door. He was immediately lost in the crowd. 

I found myself face to face with Sebastian when I redirected my line of sight. I didn't hear them approach. 

"Hello!" Pollen chimed.

I forced a smile before looking back at Sebastian. Though I'd seen him in suits a million times before, I couldn't look away. He wore a vest underneath his open dark check suit. My heart fluttered in excitement at his nearness. Damn! I can never be prepared for this. 

"Good night, Amanda," he dabbed his head. On cue, another waiter paused to offer more drinks. 

He handed one to all, even to Jake, but me. Hearing my heartbreak drove me to gulp the one I had in hand and take another from the tray. 

Jake groaned. "Are you sure you can handle this?"

"You'll be surprised at how much I can handle," I said referring to something else.

I've been intoxicated with Sebastian for so long that I no longer feel like myself. I know it's wrong, but I want him anyway. It's a constant battle with my heart to keep sane.

I drank the liquid in one gulp and extended my hand for another one, but Sebastian gripped my hand.

"That's enough," he whispered in my ear.

The heat of his breath sent chills all over my body. I could practically taste him. 

He signaled the waiter to leave.

I rolled my eyes and pulled away from his hold. Who does he think he is to tell me what I should or should not do? "I am sorry, Jake. You're underage." I took the cup from his hand and started sipping. 

Elena cleared her throat. She stared at me from the rim of her glass, sending signs to stop drinking. Ordinarily, I'd be worried to keep a good image for my little brother, but the fire running through my veins wouldn't allow me to think properly. 

Why was Pollen still here? I thought that after her allergic reaction, she wouldn't make it. It didn't work.

"Where did Alex go, honey?" Elena asked.

"To meet a friend." I shrugged, "Pollen, honey, what are you doing here?"

Her smile broadened. Maybe she was enjoying the fool I was making of myself. " I've been staying with Sebastian for a week now. We came together." She clung to his arm like a tick on a dog. There was no way she'd leave his side. Not today, not ever. 

That's why she never received the roses. That little bitch. She'd use every opportunity to run to him. The most important question is, why didn't Sebastian tell me about this?

Elena choked on her drink right after her words. "You two are what?"

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Because she has water leaking on her roof."

"And she couldn't go to a hotel?" I questioned. My blood was burning in anger. He lied right in my face the other day. He promised he hadn't slept with her, but tell me, what should a man and a woman be doing at night, alone? 

Jake leaned to my ear. "And why shouldn't they live together?"

"Because-" I trailed off. He was right. Why shouldn't they be staying together? They are adults after all, and if they want to live together, then so be it. 

"I thought they argued, that's all," I whispered back to him.

Pollen laughed. "Oh no, no, no! If I can stay with my husband, why should I pay for a hotel, right sweetheart?"

Pollen was lucky Jake was here. I didn't want to reveal this secret right in this instance. It didn't stop me from wanting to pull out her hair until she was bald. 

Sebastian unlocked their arms and stepped away. He whispered something to her before leaving.

That coward! He didn't deny anything nor tried to clarify anything. He just flew away like a child after being discovered.

"He is a little tense, don't mind him." 

I smiled. If only she knew. 

"Do you mind if I go out for a walk, Jake?" I rubbed his arm. 

He gave me a doubtful stare. "Don't go looking for trouble." 

I grinned. "Trouble is my middle name, little brother."

"I mean it." He flickered his eyes to the direction Sebastian went, then back to me.

"Don't worry. He doesn't deserve my time."

Unable to look at Pollen anymore, I walked away from the group. The heavy feeling on my chest was different from other times. It was the defeat that clouded my feelings. Pollen had won again, and Sebastian was letting it happen. All the effort I had put in weighed nothing compared to what he is doing.

I am young, I tried to convince myself. Young and beautiful, I can find another man without so much effort. A man who will value me for who I am. A husband who will move heaven and earth to make me happy. But even if he loved me, I couldn't fool myself. Loving another man was close to impossible. 

Sebastian had seen me in the lowest and darkest part of my life. He had lived those moments with me even when he knew nothing except that. He accepted me the way I was and made me feel like a human again. That side of me was still in love with him, and I had no control over it. 

Sometimes, I yearn for the possibility of switching off my feelings. Other times, I enjoy the pain. In a few cases, all I want is his love, and for him to look at me the same way he did before.

"Amanda!" 

I turn to the familiar voice. I wouldn't have realized where I was going if it wasn't for Diego.

"Where are you going?" he said, after keeping up with me. 

I study my surrounding. " I need fresh air." 

"You don't look okay. I'll come with." 

"As you please."

I tried to focus on my way, but my mind kept going back to Pollen's words. Were they sleeping together? Why wouldn't Sebastian tell me? That way it would clear up our feelings, and perhaps it would make it easier for me. If he admitted everything, then I wouldn't have to be going through this misery. Maybe I'll be able to accept it and extinguish the love I feel for him.

"And you are moping again. Did my brother do something to you?"

"What? No!"

"Oh come on! I know that look. Did Pollen offend you?"

I peered at him. "Is it that obvious?"

He shrugged before burying his hand into his pockets. " To me it is. I've seen that look many times since your separation. I don't understand why he keeps getting on your wrong side. You're a great woman."

I snort-laughed. "That's because you weren't the one to marry me."

He scrunched up his nose. "If I would have met you first, I'd marry you the same way my brother did. The only difference is that he doesn't appreciate what he's got."

"Well, he got something else for himself." 

He hummed as he started up at the sky. "You're right. If it makes you feel better, let me tell you a secret. Pollen is awful in bed." He whispered the last words afraid someone might want to listen to our conversation.

I hit him on his arm. "That's disgusting. I didn't know you'd slept with her before."

"Someone had to introduce her to him."

It makes sense now. 

"It does make me feel better," I confessed, "do you have a stogie?"

His eyes immediately found my face. "I thought you'd given up on that?"

"Are you here to help, or are you here to scold me?"

He laughed. " I came here to keep you company."

"You're right. I am sorry. I am not myself lately." Before he had time to comment about my state and try to coerce me into attending therapy again, I changed the topic. "Have you met my brother? Elena seems to like him."

"Nice move," he chuckled. "I haven't, actually. I thought he was with you."

"Nah, he's parading with Elena. He loves socializing."

"I guess we just became replaceable."

I agreed.

It couldn't have been long after when footsteps became audible. His cat-like walk is recognizable anywhere. 

"I've been looking for you," he said.

Diego turned to his voice immediately. On the other hand, I kept my sight on the full moon shadowing the pool.

"I thought you were busy with your date."

There was a brief pause before he responded. "I was talking to father. What are you two doing here?"

"Playing chess," I snapped back. "Do you have a cigar?" I questioned, turning back to him completely.

Diega laughed while Sebastian stared at me with confusion and annoyance. "I thought you'd given up on that."

"That's exactly what I said," Diego intervened.

"If you're not here to help, then take your conversation away," I said, then diverted my eyes to the pool again. "I want to be alone." In fact, I wanted to be alone with him. But I couldn't bring myself to say that. I wouldn't! If those words ever left my lips, it meant he had control over me. He deserved no such authority.

Again, there was silence before their steps faded away with them. 

When I verified that they were gone, I let out a sigh of solace. Sebastian was driving me crazy, and the chaos that was constantly present in my heart drove me insane. 

I wanted him to be with me. I needed his arms around my body in comfort and reassurance. I desired his lips on every inch of my skin. But I knew none of that would happen; just thinking about it created turmoil in me. He now belonged to Pollen.

I stepped away from the balcony's railings and headed down to the pool. I removed my shoes and sat on the edge to dip my feet in the pool. It was warm compared to the coldness of the night. 

"You look terrible," Jake's voice woke me from my reverie.

I removed the strand of hair stuck to my eyes as I turned to him. He had taken off his jacket and was already covering me with it. 

"I feel terrible. I shouldn't have come," I confessed.

He crouched beside me to pick another hair that was stuck in my eyes. "You are in love with him, aren't you?" His voice was gentle and concerned. 

My lips quivered in response. I sniffed back the tears and rested my head on his chest instead. A sense of Deja Vu hit me. This is exactly what I was doing when Sebastian proposed to me. We were in a place similar to this before we had escaped from Russia. It was that night he had asked me to marry him. 

"Oh, Jess. What did you get yourself into?" 

"Please hold me, Jake. Don't say anything but hold me," I cried.