CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 10-

MARIA

"Hey are you okay? Kanina ka pa parang wala sa sarili." 

He keeps on questioning about that and I always said that I am okay. We are now on our way to my apartment and just got done with my check up. Hindi ko sinabi na narinig ko kanina ang pinag uusapan nila ng pinsan nya. Para ano pa diba?

I know now my role in his life. That is important so that I know my place and my limits. Hindi na ako aasang mamahalin nya ako dahil hinding hindi nya gagawin yun. 

Tipid nalang akong ngumiti sa kanya. "Okay lang po ako. Napagod lang siguro ako ngayong araw." Rason ko kaya napabuntong hininga ito. I know he is wondering why I suddenly acted like this. I just let him because I don't have the energy anymore. I feel like his words drained all of my energy.

He sighed. "Okay, you can rest here. Do you want to sleep?" Napailing naman ako at tumingin sa labas ng bintana. Pilit kong iniiwasang magtama ang mga mata namin. I am afraid that he will know that I am just lying. I don't want him to question me anymore.  If he knows that I am just purely lying to him. Na Hindi ako pagod at sadyang nawala lang talaga ako sa mood dahil sa narinig.

"Hindi na po. Mukhang malapit na naman po tayo sa bahay eh." Sagot ko dito habang hindi pa rin sya tinatapunan ng tingin. I don't want to act like this but I can't help it. 

Rinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga nito bago sumagot ng 'okay'.

I sighed. I know it is partly my fault why I am hurt right now. I get my hopes high and even started planning how to make him fall in love with me. I wanted to burst into laughter. Look what happened to me. I am completely in a mess right now. 

Yeah, I'm hurt. I am so stupid. Assuming that he will also love me the way I love him. But no. He made it clear already. He don't want to love me---he will never love me. I wanted to laugh but the tears made its way to my cheeks. I simply wipe it before I cleared my throat. 

This thought of him seeing me more than just his secretary. Kinuha nito ang lahat ng espasyo sa utak ko at ngayong nabigo ako ay biglaang naging blanko nalang ang utak ko. Parang lumipad ako sa pinakamataas na bahagi at bigla na lamang akong napilayan at bumagsak. 

Bakit ba kasi hindi ko naisip ang kasabihan nila? They said, Don't expect because expectation will only lead to disappointment. Pero hindi ko iyon naisip dahil pinairal ko ang pagiging malandi ko. Yung nasa isip ko kasi nitong mga nakaraang araw ay sya lamang. 

Is it bad to expect? To assume? Of course not, right? Hindi naman kasi maalis sa isang tao ang umasa pag may nakikita silang paraan para makamit nila ang nais nilang makamtan. They are just being determined and risky. Of course, to risk something you need to expect two consequences and that is having a good result or the bad result. And if you risk you are willing to be hurt and you need to accept the result of your actions. In my case, I expect, I assume and I took a risk. And now that the result is not good as I was expecting, I need to accept it.

I got my hopes high but it immediately shattered. So harsh. Binasag nito ang pantasya ko ng isang masayang buong pamilya. And I wondered who is that woman. He already mentioned her when we 'did' it. And it seems like she made a big impact to his life. Ganyan ba nito kamahal ang babaeng yun?  Sobrang importante ba ito sa buhay nya? That he is willing to be loyal to her even if she is not by his side? Why can't he forget her? 

In my two years in his company, I didn't know someone who named denise. I know maraming mga babaeng ang dumadalaw sa kanya pero agad nya naman itong tinataboy. And it seems like hindi nya kayang gawin yun kay denise. I can see that he loves her. Sobrang mahal nya ito kaya nga hindi nya gustong mag move on diba?

Can I stop thinking about it? Masakit kasing isipin na may mahal syang iba. Masakit isipin na hindi nya kayang tugunin ang pagmamahal ko dahil sa babaeng yun. Pero kaya ko bang pigilan ang utak ko? I can't. Even worst, I am in a vulnerable state right now. Wala akong lakas na hindi isipin ang mga bagay bagay.

"Maria we're here." Basag nito sa malalim kong pag iisip. Napatingin naman ako sa labas bago ako nag pakawala ng mahabang hininga at balingan sya.Saglit lamang akong tumingin sa mga mata nya bago ako nag iwas ng tingin. I can't look at him in the eyes. Makikita ko lang kung gaano sya ka durog. How he is lost. 

I know the answer now. Earlier I was wondering why the look in his eyes is so miserable. I mean there is no emotions in his eyes. He is lost. Now I realized why. I don't want to say it because it will just hurt me more.

I smiled that I immediately regret. Why did I even tried to smile even though my eyes screams sadness? 

"Ahm sige po pasok na po ako sa loob. Mag ingat ka po sa pag uwi." Sabi ko at sa huling pagkakataon ay tinignan ko ito sa mga mata. Kunot noo lamang ito habang nakatingin sakin pero hindi ko na 'yon pinansin at baba na sana sa sasakyan.

"Wait maria." Pigil nito sakin kaya agad ko itong nilingon. I am confused why he suddenly called me. Did he want something?

Tahimik ito ng ilang segundo at hinintay ko naman ang sasabihin nito. Lumunok muna ito bago ako tinignan ng nagtataka. I only wear a blank face that made his forehead creased. "May problema ka ba? May nangyari ba? Parang okay ka pa naman kanina." Pagtataka nito na nagpa buntong hininga sa akin. I know he won't buy what I said earlier. Why did I even think he would? He knows how to read people's emotion. But why can't he read mine?

Binigyan ko ito ng isang ngiti at ipinagpasalamat ko dahil hindi 'yon lumabas na parang pilit. I am just hoping na hindi ito tumingin sa mga mata ko dahil malalaman nitong pilit lamang iyon. He will see the sadness in my eyes and he will wonder why. In the end he will ask questions. Maybe not to me but to himself.  And once he analyzed everything he will know my feelings for him. I don't want that to happen. Kahit na mahal ko sya ay ayaw kong malaman nya ang nararamdaman ko. Para ano pa diba? He still won't reciprocate it so why bother?

Tumikhim muna ako bago nag salita. "Wala po talaga akong problema boss. Pagod lang po ako. Alam nyo naman po ang mga buntis diba? Paiba iba ng mood." I said and I'm hoping that he will buy my alibi. Mukha namang kapani-paniwala ito diba?

I want to bit my lowerlip while waiting for his response. Napakalma lang ako ng bumuntong-hininga ito bago tumango. 

"Okay. Pagkapasok mo ay magpahinga ka kaagad. Baka mapaano si baby. We won't let that happen right?" Nag aalala nitong turan kaya naman ngumiti ako bago tumango. Of course we won't that to happen. 

I remembered what he said a while ago. 'I will love the child..'

I smiled. "Opo, sige po mag iingat po kayo." Sabi ko bago lumabas ng sasakyan nya. Tumango muna ito sa akin bago nito pinaharurot ang sasakyan palayo.

Napatingin ako sa sasakyan nito na unti-unting nawawala sa paningin ko. Isang ngiti ang gumuhit sa mga labi ko. Ngiting may kasamang pait. Now I can freely show my true emotions. I can show my true emotions in a place where he is not around. 

Wag kang mag aalala boss. Aalagaan ko si baby. Dahil alam ko naman na kailangan mo sya, kami para hindi ka mapaalis sa posisyon mo sa kompanya. Though I know that you love our baby and that is more important. I am okay with it because you will not just use our child but will also love him/her. That what our child needs. The love of the parents. 

I know that the company is important to you. Kaya mong gawin ang lahat para sa kompanya. Kaya mong gawin ang lahat para sa kompanya at kahit pa gamitin mo ako. 

"Oh bakla! Nandito ka na pala." Bungad  sa'kin ni macey na nasa sofa nakaupo at kumakain ng chips. Inalok pa ako nito ng kinakain pero agad akong tumanggi.

Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "Hindi na macey. Ahm pagod na din ako eh. Sige sa kwarto lang ako magpapahinga." Sabi ko bago ako tumalikod at umakyat. Rinig ko naman ang pag buntong hininga nito. I know he knows that something is not right with me. Alam ko ding pinipigilan lang nito ang magtanong ng nangyari. He knows that I am very okay earlier before we go to the clinic and suddenly my mood change. 

Bumuntong- hininga ako bago umupo sa kama at napa isip. I am wondering why most of the people wants to take risk? Why? Even if they know that in the end they will just going to hurt themselves. Knowing the consequences they still want to fight for their love once.  At kahit na nasasaktan sila ay hindi sila tumitigil na lumaban para sa taong mahal nila. Just like me. Sumusugal ako para sa kanya. Mahigit dalawang taon kong kinimkim ang pagmamahal na nararamdaman ko sa kanya. And I made a decision right now. What might be the consequences for this action, I am will accept it. It is just a one time chance and I don't want to waste it. I will make him fall in love with me. 

I know I am being martyr but who cares? He said that he will never love me. He said it but I will never let him. May kasabihan nga diba? Na wag kang magsalita ng tapos dahil baka lalamunin mo lang lahat ng sinabi mo. So that's what I am going to make him. Hindi nya alam ang magiging kalalabasan ng pagsasama namin. Ipapakain ko sa kanya ang lahat ng sinabi nya.

I am Maria Isabella Dimasali and I will make Denrick Moncuedo eat what he said. 

**Written by Stringlily**