Chapter 44

Chapter 44

“Let's divorce, Elijah. I want a divorce,”

When I married Elijah, I accepted my fate. I know that it would be tough and cruel—so far from the marriage that other people have. I don't even know if I should consider ourselves as couples when everything is complicated. We didn't marry each other out of love. Elijah married me out of his wrath. I became a martyr from the beginning of this marriage with a strong hope of mine that Elijah's wrath will melt down in exchange of love and this marriage will actually work out.

I thought I could do it. I thought the divorce that the people around me keep telling me would never be my choice. However, in one snap, everything just changed. I ran out of love and everything. I poured everything so much that I even lost my baby—and myself.

Silence invaded the two of us. My eyes remained at Elijah whose world probably broke down after hearing that. I witnessed how stunned he was. He's definitely not expecting to hear that from me. But you know what's funny? The tables turned. It wasn't love that I felt anymore. It's hatred and anger towards him. Everytime I see him, I remember his cruelty. I remember how he treated me. I remember how he just stood up that night and did nothing. I remember how he contributed to the death of his own child that was in my womb.

“F-Faith…I thought we're gonna fix this, huh? Let's talk about this,” he held my hands so tight while tears were lingering around his eyes.

I even think that his hands are filthy that I disgust it.

“I didn't give you my word, Elijah.” Because when he told that to me again, I wasn't sure if I still wanted him. If I still want this marriage to work.

“Faith, please. Let's not do this. Let's fix this. Let me fix this, you will not do anything. This time, I'm gonna carry everything, please. Just give me one more chance,” I pulled my hands from him as I cannot stand it. I distanced myself as I stood up.

“A chance?” I wanted to laugh. I gave him multiple chances and he wasted it all. Now he's asking for another chance?

“Do you not remember what I've done for you, Elijah? Do you not remember how you fucking treat me?!” I couldn't hold it back anymore. I am so done with all of this. I'm so sick of being the kind Faith who understands everything!

“Faith…” his voice broke as we were both tearing apart.

“I begged you, Elijah!” I exclaimed. I even pointed my finger at him with so much anger running through my spine.

“I fucking begged you to stay that night! Do you know why I did that? Because I was pregnant! I wanted a father for our child! I wanted a happy family for our child! I felt so small, so fucking small that I dropped who I am! For fucking sake I am a popular designer! The biggest stars are my clients. I have a company, my own clothing brand, and I succeed on my own, you know that!”

Up until now, I can remember the night I begged him to stay. I remember how I knelt in front of him, begging him not to leave. I swallowed everything that night. I swallowed my pride and disregarded everything.

“And yet I just begged a man to stay, to love me, and to make this fucking marriage work!” I removed our wedding ring and threw it on the floor. Funny, isn't it? He never even wears his ring. All this time, I was the only one lifting our marriage. I was the only one carrying it alone!

“I knelt in front of you like a beggar who just wanted food. I begged you many times to stay and you didn't listen, Elijah.”

That's what breaks me the most. I gave everything. I did everything and yet he didn't listen to me.

“I was confused, Faith! I don't know what to do and what to believe, either.”

“Because you chose to cover your eyes and ears from the truth that is already in front of you!” When the truth was already set in front of him, he closed his eyes and covered both of his ears. He blinded himself and chose to side with the lie and accuse my parents over me.

“Did you forget that you forced me to have sex with you?” I mentioned. I can't believe that I am finally bringing this up.

“Our honeymoon, remember? It was not a honeymoon, Elijah. You fucking raped me that night! You tore my wedding gown and you did it thrice!”

I remember it all. Every detail of those nights are still vivid in my head. How he grasped my hands, disabling me to move and to escape him. He moaned and I didn't moan. Instead, I cried with no strength, enduring all the pain.

“When you first brought a woman into this house, you shattered me so much, Elijah. I felt so small, too. I forgot my value as a woman. Every night, I hear you with them moaning, while I was in my room, crying in silence. My damn husband is fucking another woman again and you know what's funny? You fucked them all to the same bed and room where you did it to me! I felt like a whore! I felt like I was like them, like I was also one of your sluts!”

He couldn't say a thing. All he did was cry in front of me, remorseful. I kept all these feelings in me for so long. I concealed everything and forgot about myself.

“I thought that's it. But you started laying your hands on me. I never thought that you could go that far, hurting me physically. And what did I do? I understand, Elijah. I chose to understand you even though I already fear you!”

I was shaking in anger while I was bursting everything out. I looked like a bomb that exploded all of a sudden.

“You wanted to fix this relationship?” Is there even a chance to fix this when we are both wrecked and miserable?

It was Elijah who started all this mess. He was the one who was mad that he wanted to see me hurt and fill his satisfaction to lessen his pain from losing my sister. But right now, it was me. When he was already willing to make this work, I am now willing to leave. The love I have for him isn't enough to defeat and waver the hatred that is eating me up.

“Everytime I see you, I see a monster. Everytime I see you, I remember everything, all your damn cruelty!”

I thought I erased those. I thought I would be able to forget and throw all of it as long as we work things out. But I was wrong. When I lost the baby, I ran out of everything that I kept pouring for them. The love, kindness, care, and everything. They made me lose all of that. Look at me now, empty. I have nothing anymore.

“I would be able to forgive how you torture me with this marriage, but losing the baby that showed me hope to live? That's what I can never forgive you—all of you. You didn't just kill me, you also killed our child!”

“I'm sorry, Faith. I'm so sorry! I know that I have been cruel and I will never deny that,” he knelt on the floor and now begged me. Do you know what I see? Myself. That is exactly how I did the same when I begged him to stay.

“Please, Faith, give me a chance. Let's start over. You don't have to do anything because I will do anything for us. Please, please. I am very sorry. Let me do everything to make it up to you, to fix us, please, F-Faith…don't leave me,” his voice cracked already, looking so small as he begged me.

I didn't look at him. My sharp and cold eyes weren't wavering from his tears. This time, I didn't melt down.

“I know that I was wrong from the very beginning…that's why I want to make it right, Faith. I was a fucking bastard, and it was too late when I realized that I cannot lose you. I-I can't lose you, Faith…I can't,” if I heard this a long time ago, I would happily accept him again with my arms widely open. But right now? I couldn't feel anything anymore. I felt like I became numb with all the pain they made me feel.

“I'm done, Elijah.” I uttered firmly. “I'm so fucking done.”

I turned my back to him and began to walk away.

“I love you, Faith!” He exclaimed and captured me as he embraced me from behind. He hugged me so tight as if he didn't want to let me go anymore.

I closed my eyes firmly as I let my tears escape my eyes again.

“I love you, and I'm so stupid to realize it late.”

With my remaining strength, I pushed him away and once again confronted him.

“I don't love you, Elijah.” This is not what I expected to happen before, but it's happening now.

“I hate you. I despised you,” I made sure that my words will penetrate even on his bones.

“It ends here, Elijah. My stupidity ends right here. We're done,”

itsclarixass