Chapter 43

Chapter 43

Since the day I found out that I lost my baby, I have locked myself in my room. There was no second that I didn't cry. I couldn't erase my baby in my head. I totally lost my appetite. When I already had a reason to eat, I lost my baby. I lost my only reason to live my life.

“Ms. Faith, you should eat.” I heard Marie say but I remained looking at the sky as I was on the balcony of my room.

She has been bringing me food for each meal in a day. If not her, Elijah will. I have never spoken to any of them since the loss of my child. I cut my ties with my parents, too, because of the pain invested and engraved on my chest. I would be able to bear every pain they make me feel, but not the loss of my own child. Not the baby that is still innocent. My own mother stole the chance from my child to see the world. She took the chance for me to live again.

“You can't stay like this, Ms. Faith. I know you have been through a lot, I know that you're very strong. So please, don't let this loss defeat you,” I can hear her words very clearly. I even felt a drop of her tear on my hand as she held it. But then, I couldn't help myself, either. I don't know when I will be like this.

In my entire life, I never felt this kind of pain. When I lost Freya, I will admit that it shattered my entire life, not just me. But right now that I lost the baby made with my own blood, I feel like I am an empty bottle.

“Marie,” I heard Elijah's voice inside my room. I remained looking at the sky, where I do not find any peace anymore. Nothing can give me peace anymore. I lost it all the day I lost my baby.

She let go of my hand before I heard her footsteps leaving my room.

“Hey, why aren't you eating again?” It was the funniest question that I ever heard. Would he really ask me why?

“You have to eat, Faith. I know we lost our child, but we can still make another one. I will make sure that we will not lose another child, Faith. I'm very sorry, this is all my fault.” His voice shivered a bit.

“Mom and Dad were here yesterday. They want to meet you, but I told them that you're not yet fine.”

Oh, them. Of course, they are the ones who became my parents instead of my real parents.

This was not part of my plan. When I found out that I was pregnant, I wanted to see his reaction. It excites me to picture his reaction if I was able to tell him in the first place that I am already with a baby, a Luciero.

“What have I done wrong to deserve this, Elijah?” My voice broke again when I finally spoke. My tears couldn't just stop from falling as I was also breaking along with it.

“Am I a bad person? Did I hurt anybody? Did I do something wrong to experience all this loss?”

“Ssshhhh, you didn't do anything wrong, Faith.” He locked my hand in his grasp; I could feel the warmth of his hands.

“It was us who did a lot of wrong things to you,” regret, that was all that painted his eyes.

Should I be happy that he's regretting everything from the very beginning? Because I don't think I should. Regretting things that he did won't bring back the life of the child I lost.

“If I didn't go there, would I still have our child?”

This time, I finally glanced at him.

“You didn't stand up for me, Elijah. You are the only person that I think will protect me from them, but you didn't.” I sobbed while crying. It was very clear in my head. How my own husband only watches me being hurt by my own mother. How my father didn't lay his eyes at me while his wife was abusing me.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I swear, Faith. When I changed again and came to who I was when I married you, my head was a mess. I was debating with myself whether to continue what we are starting or to listen to what they are telling me. I was in pain, Faith, you know that. And it is my fault that I didn't listen to my heart. I didn't realize everything yet. That night that she was hurting you, God knows how much I was holding back myself. I wanted to pull her away from you, but I was so confused with everything.”

“It's because you didn't believe me, Elijah.” And that's what hurts the most. That's what breaks me the most. The person I always believed would change, didn't believe that I didn't kill Freya.

“I told you a million times that I did not kill her…I told you that I was also part of the accident, that I fought for my life as well. How can you believe them so fast while it's so hard for you to believe me?” I did everything I could to convince him that I was not the one who killed Freya. That I didn't do anything at all, but they all blamed me for something that I didn't do.

“I'm sorry, Faith. I'm very sorry,” he wiped all my tears gently as he kept his eyes at me.

“I'll make it up to you, Faith. Let me do it correctly this time. Let's fix this, Faith.” I don't know what's gotten into me. But that time, I didn't say anything. I didn't give him an answer.

At this point, I don't have the strength to fix this marriage anymore. This time, I am considering the option that I thought I would never once consider. The option that I swore not to have before.

In the following days, Elijah, Marie, Lily and Lucas didn't fail to check me up. They are always paying me a visit and I was always not into myself. My eyes are already swollen, but I can't just stop from crying.

I decided to finally dress up a bit and fix myself temporarily just to face them all. I have to do this beyond all these circumstances.

“I'll just bring this food to her,” I heard Elijah say, talking to Marie in the dining hall.

“Ms. Faith,”

His eyes shifted at me when Marie saw me there. I couldn't force myself to show them a smile.

“Are you okay now? Do you want to eat here? I'll prepare your meal,” he quickly went to the kitchen with Marie and I sat on the chair where I used to sit. It's been a while since I last sat here.

“I cooked that,” Elijah said proudly, with a bright smile.

“Do you want anything? What about hot choco?”

I couldn't answer. I took that moment to appreciate how he's taking care of me.

“Sure,” I replied. He ran to the kitchen again and came back with the hot choco. He sat beside me and even gave me food on my plate. I was only watching him do that the whole time. Why does he have to be like this when I already made a decision? Why does it have to be now when I made up my mind?

“My Mom brought you a cake. Marie told me that you once craved cake when you were pregnant,” he paused when that slipped out of his tongue. “Even though you're not now, I think it will still help you. Comfort food, you know?”

“Marie, can you serve the cake?” He asked aloud.

It breaks me to see him being like this now. I always dreamed of this. I always dreamed of having a healthy relationship with him and making this relationship work. But why now? Why now when I don't want it anymore?

“I'm sure you're gonna like it,” he chuckled.

“It's a taro cake. My Mom has been asking about you, she's so worried. We fought a bit, she got mad at me for being a jerk. Don't worry, though. I deserve that.” Elijah, being like a real man to me, was the man I always dreamt of. This is the Elijah that I fell in love with. The Elijah that I met in the beginning. The Elijah that I didn't just love as a man, but as a best friend who was always there for me.

“Let's end this,” that made him stop.

“Faith,” his smile vanished and now eyed me with nervousness and fear.

Why do I have to see this now when I was asking for this for so long?

“I've run out of everything, Elijah. I'm empty now,” my voice now trembled as I felt my tears in the corner of my eyes. It breaks me to do this. But it will shatter me even more if I stay.

“Faith, let's talk about this. Don't do this, please.”

I looked away from him so I didn't get to see his pain. I crumpled both of my hands as I heaved a light sigh.

“Let's divorce, Elijah. I want a divorce,”

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