Wounded Butterfly

Raina

There is a thing about butterflies, they use the colors on their wings to attract potential mates. Isn't it wonderful that I do the same? But the only difference between me and butterfly is that my attraction lands me in trouble.

I stared into my reflection in the mirror, to others I look like a beautiful butterfly with my long straight brown hair cascading down to my hips, my leaf-like hazel green eyes, and my pink-dewy skin tone. I look colorful but my life is shadowed by darkness.

I grab the mascara from the dressing table and coated my eyelashes with it making them pop. I started braiding my hair. No one would believe that I am the same Raina I was two years ago. The only difference is she was lively, she had dreams, and she used to feel like a true butterfly who wanted to fly high in the sky. And now I am just a shallow person whose wings are broken. My heart and my soul is wounded.

But I bought it upon myself. Only if I acted with maturity than I wouldn't be sitting in front of the mirror in an blush pink dress reaching below my knees, geting ready for my engagement. Only if I wasn't such a desperate.

"You will make the prettiest bride in the world, Ray". Mama whispered and placed her hand on my shoulder. Tears gathered in my eyes and I tried blinking them back.

"Hey, my lovely daughter don't cry". Mama crouched down next to me and wiped tears from my cheeks. Her warm fingers caressed my cheeks. I look into her warm brown pools ,filled with tears. Isn't it ironic that she is telling me not to cry but she is herself shedding tears?

"I don't deserve him, mama, please stop this marriage". My voice trembled. "Why?" her question perplexed me taking me off guard. How can she even ask 'why'?

"You know... mama, what I have done to him, how much I have hurt him, and I am going to do it again and he doesn't deserve to be hurt".

"What happened was in the past, Raina. He agreed to this marriage, so, please, I beg you don't try to ruin it and start focusing on making your life better". She says, her voice hard. My lips trembled and my chin quivered as a loud sob escaped from my throat.

I wrap my arms around her waist and buried my face in her stomach. Why can't I just stay baby or stay in her warm womb forever?

"Two years ago you made a mistake a grave mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, Raina but everyone also deserves a second chance. And this is your chance to live, make it worth." She says her voice trembling, she pats my head gently and I tighten my hold around her waist.

I don't want to leave my home, I don't want to leave my mama, my dad, or my family. I can't live without them. How am I gonna survive this marriage when I never wanted to marry?

I close my eyes and exhaled a long sigh. I felt warm fingers grazing my forehead. "Your look was incomplete without this," she says softly and pressed her lips on my forehead. I opened my eyes and glanced in the mirror, my gaze fell upon the diamond necklace , same pattern as the same embroidery on my silk bodycon dress. I indeed look beautiful outside but I feel ugly inside because I am about to ruin someone's life.

"Let's go, they are waiting". She says and holds my hand in hers, I felt her palms getting sweaty like mine. We both nodded at each other and walked out of the room.

***

(Past)

"I love you, Raina..." I stood there stunned in the middle of the parking lot surrounded by my best friends. Anna and Paul.

Did he just say he loves me? But how can he? My heart thumped in my chest and I gulped down looking at him. His warm brown pools bored straight into mine. I've always loved his eyes, they reflect so much sincerity and warmth.

"What are you saying, Agastya"? I ask my voice coming out shaky. I just hope he is joking. "I know it is shocking even to me also. Because I never thought I will ever be able to love anyone. But you made me realize that it can be possible, when I saw you for the first time, and since then you have made your home in my heart, you reside in it. This organ beats for you, Raina Aaron. I love you." He says and a sweet hopeful smile graced his lips.

My heartbeat quaked at his words, and my palms began to sweat. I don't know what to do. I've never been in this kind of situation. I rolled my head to the side and saw both of my friends had mocking smiles on their mouths.

"Well, Dr. Agastya, we appreciate that you are in love with our sweet Raina but sorry to say, Raina, can't love a man like you, right Raina". Anna says and bit her lip as if she is trying to control her laughter. Why would she say something like this?

"Well, Ms. Falcon , I think Raina is very much capable of taking her own decisions". Agastya says, his voice hard and jaw clenched.

I curled my palms into fists. I don't know what to do, I can't hurt him. He means a lot to me. But I can't let myself be embarrassed in front of my friends, they matter to me more. I've known them for a long time and I can't let them down.

I let out a sigh and look at him. "Agastya, I appreciate your feelings for me but we can't be together, I am sorry," I say, these words felt heavy on my tongue as they slip out of my mouth.

He stares into my eyes, calmly and it broke me. "Why?" he whispers looking straight into my eyes. "Because I don't want to". I say.

"Did I do something wrong, Raina? Don't you like me ?" he says his voice thick with emotions. "I like you but it doesn't mean I love you Raghav. Please stop embarrassing me, and go from here."

"So, you are embarrassed because of me, you are embarrassed because I confessed my feelings to you, did you forget every moment we shared". I flinched at his harsh tone.

"What good moments you are talking about Agastya. Stop with your pathetic lies, you disgust me. Do you think I Raina Aaron will ever be with a man like you, what you have, huh? Can you give me all the luxuries like my dad, or can you even protect me like my brother, you don't even look good, your face is so ugly. You don't possess a single quality, Agastya. So, fucking get out of here." I say and crossed my arms in front of my chest. And raised my eyebrows waiting for him to go.

I heard a series of chuckles escaping from my friends. My breath got stuck in my throat as I saw tears glisten in his eyes under the glasses. He smiled at me and turned around walking away.

This is the right way to make him dislike me.

He is not ugly, he has the most beautiful features in the world. He is a genius. He is a fucking genius but I can't be with him I don't love him but why do I feel as if I have committed the worst mistake of my life. I don't feel good. I hurt him badly.

I just hope he gets over it.

(Past Ends)

***

Our eyes clashed together boring into each other and bringing back so many memories. I lower down my gaze facing the floor not being able to continue to stare into his eyes.

His eyes, those beautiful brown orbs which used to fill with warmth, love, liveliness, and happiness now look dead. As if he is alive but dead inside.

And it was all my mistake. I am the reason.

"Raina, love go and sit beside Agastya". I heard my dad. I nodded and got up from the sofa and sat beside him leaving an appropriate distance between us.

We sat quietly as our families started doing the spiritual rituals of the ceremony. Engagement is the first step toward our wedding. From today and till death we both are going to tie to each other. If the circumstances will be good enough.

Once the ceremony ended everyone moved to the dining room and I just sat there. He didn't even talk to me. His cold behavior irked me. But I can understand.

He is not the same boy anymore. He has changed. He is a man now, a very good-looking man. Above six feet tall, with glowing olive-tan skin, and wavy black hair combed back, he has manly peppered stubble. His sharp features are alluring, gracing beautifully on his face. And that sensual body, God, those big veiny arms, and muscles rippling through his shirt. He must be hard inside too.

How can a man change in just two years? That too in the finest specimen. He looks like a sin that I am craving to taste, to feel, to hold. And to make him mine solely.

I fanned my face with my hands and tried to blink back the tears which are about to spill out. How could I think about him like this? Even after what I have done to him.

He changed himself inside out. He is a Surgeon, and the most handsome man I've ever seen. But I don't deserve this beauty. I will only bring disaster into his life.

I wish I could go back in time and change certain unfortunate things that happened in my life.

I wish I have never dated Agastya's elder brother which changed my whole life drastically. I wish I could change it all.

But mama was right I can take hold of my life. I can change it for the better. I have hurt Agastya before, but now I can change it. I can make him fall in love with me again or at least like me.

Some of my dreams are crushed, and my wings are broken. But I can be a good wife at least. I know he hates me right now and I don't even know why he agreed to this marriage. Maybe because of my dad, after all Agastya respect him as his mentor. Or maybe because he pities me because no one would want me to be the daughter-in-law of their family.

I was admired by everyone around me, my mama and dad loved me more than anything else in the world. But now I am the black sheep of the family, I have brought disgrace upon my family. I am a girl with a loose character.

But I have to make it right for my family and most importantly for Agastya. I can't disappoint him or anyone anymore.

If he has chosen me I will forever be grateful to him. I will try my best to be a good wife. I will make our marriage work.

I will write my new story now, I have buried my dreams in the corner of my heart a long time ago. But now I will live for my new dreams that is to be the best wife in this world.

(Past will be designated in italics)