26 / 04 / 2021

“Come on , just 3 more” I push myself towards finishing my set. It is a beautiful sunny Monday morning , the perfect time to get my workout done and over with for the day. My legs have been asleep for the first two exercises I have done , but I am quite certain that leg curls have definitely woken them.

After what seems like eternity, I finally finish my set of 8 reps. With legs that shake like jello , I shakily get off the sleeping leg curl machine. I feel the pastel coloured long sleeve crop top stick to my body as the sweat is absorbed by the fabric – I relish in it , it motivates me to push harder and stronger.

I sit on the leg curl machine , waiting for my legs to stop shivering in pain. My fingers find their way to my bottled water without hesitation , my body’s need to be hydrated is so big that it searches for water without thinking. Unclasping the lid , I chug down it’s contents.

I feel so refreshed , a bit more cooled down and a lot heavier. I breath in slowly after taking the bottle away from my mouth – exhaling even slower to regulate my breathing. Yes , for those you who do not know it yet , I am a female bodybuilder. No , my tummy is not flat and my ass is not huge – bodybuilding is much more complex than that. Nevertheless , I do this because I love it. It helps me keep my life in order , it helps me to keep stable – even though I am on the borderline of becoming unstable. Going to the gym and lifting weights is my way of fighting back – I take out my anger , my pain , my disappointment on the weights. It also has helped me to get out my comfort zone , and not to mention,  meet my bestfriend Captain.

“How was your weekend?” I am brought back to earth as one of my friends asks me a question. Julian , a very very very talkative guy , occupies the machine next to my own. Julian is married and has two kids , he can be annoying at times but overall he is a good guy. He knows his stuff when it comes to bodybuilding and training , so his advice is really good.

“It was….uneventful…” I say , looking to the entrance of the gym. I involuntarily keep looking at the entrance , hoping to see that black jacket that I remember clinging onto.

“Uneventful?” he asks again , raising his eyebrow at me. I can’t help but laugh – he is known for his goofy behavior even though he is 43 years old. I remember when I was going for my driver’s test , the day before he got me so nervous as he was making up scary scenario’s.

“Yes it was uneventful…I just watched Netflix and had my cheat day” I say looking at the entrance again , my heart beats with hope.

“That’s good. I am happy to know that you have cheat days , I know some people who restrict themselves. You know Desmond…,” my heart flutter’s when I hear his name , “he eats a cheat meal every Friday and you saw what a good physique he has” Julian says not knowing that I have memorized every inch of his body. I become to desperate , I need to know if he is coming today – I do not know how I survived last week without seeing him.

“Where is Desmond?” I ask Julian who is in contact with him. I look to the door again , my ears are intently waiting for him to answer.

“Oh , Desmond is training in he evenings now…” My ears shut out the rest of what he says. I feel my entire heart shatter – is it possible for a heart to shatter over and over and over again? A bunch of mixed emotions take turns to stab at my heart. I watch Julian rush off to greet someone I do not know , while I sit here breaking into a thousand pieces.

“We stop this now…We will not avoid each other , we will continue to be friends – who knows I might even help you find a boyfriend” he says jerking his fist closer to me. A fist pump is what he wants – like a friendly hand shake to agree on a deal , this fist bump will destroy every good memory we had.

My mind takes me back to the words he had said to me . Training in the afternoons to avoid me was his plan all along. I recall a moment we shared during our second session – I remember him saying that if I wanted to stop , he would train in the afternoons to avoid us clashing. I can still recollect the 5 minutes I begged him not to do that, I remember telling him that I would  feel utterly awful if he changed his training times to avoid me. Don’t I look like the biggest fool  now.

I feel my mornings breakfast forcefully raising , my tears are threatening to fall. No! I can’t breakdown here , not now! I squeeze the bottle that is in my hand , my anger spilling out of my every pore. I feel my own breath , my breathing becomes so heavy that I feel the gush of carbon dioxide burn against my forearm with it’s incredible heat. As cliché as this sounds – the beast within me has awoke.      

            Scorching water beats down from the shower’s head , making sweet contact on my flushed body. I find such peace in my own personal hell. The very drop of water , makes my body vibrate with comfort , pain and pleasure. My back is up against the wall , the front of my body is wide open to the water’s assault . I close my eyes , and I see all our memories play before my eyes.

I feel my chest cave in as I feel the pain penetrate my heart. I see all the memories , from the day I had first saw him till the last time I  saw him drive off. I feel my tears run down my face , though the water is scorching – my tears seem to leave a burn behind that makes the water seem ice cold. Too add salt to the wound , “Habits” start to play – which makes my entire surface , my entire put together self breakdown to nothing but pieces of brokenness.

My mind then travels to the way he acted towards me – the way he would take of me , the way he listened to me , the way he invested his time for me. My mind just can not wrap around it all – the confusion. I remembered the way he would listen to me talk about my day , the way he would listen to me about my problems – come to think of it , that bastard used my problems against me to get what he wanted. I opened up to him , I told him my problems I told him how people have treated me – but he saw it has a gateway , as an invitation to treat me just the same.

 I bet his going to find a new play thing when he trains in the afternoon – I bet she will look better than me , maybe fuck better than me to! I fall to my knees , I throw my head back and I scream! I scream but my voice can not be heard. I scream so silent , that I feel my insides being torn apart. The silence in my scream represents the helplessness , the pain that I do not want people to see and the regret that I shamelessly hide. I scream until I am gasping for breath , I stop as I feel my lungs are about to collapse. I fall down on all fours , my back is now getting it’s share of beatings from the shower. My anger grows as I think of the ways he easily tricked me and easily betrayed me – the way he made me a fool without even trying that hard. I feel my fist connecting with tile walls , pain vibrating from my knuckles.

Is this what he wanted? To make me feel like a slut , a mistress – to have my body , to pleasure me , to hurt me , to fuck me (which luckily I never let him to).

Is this what he wanted? He wanted to use me in ways that were to disrespectful to do to his wife , or was it for me to pleasure him. Either way , he got what he wanted. The sad truth about it all is that he knew that once he was done with me , he planned to never see my face again – totally disregarding my feelings.

I guess…That’s okay. I never got what I wanted – and even if I did get what I wanted , it is always short lived. Thinking about the days I have to face ahead , I inhale and exhale slowly – I know that the road ahead is going to be more than bumpy…its going to be a fucking nightmare!