23/04/2021

It’s been exactly one week since I have last saw him. It has been one whole long week since I had the pleasure to lay my eyes on his perfect form and being ; one whole entire week of nothing but misery….and discovery.

The tiny crystal drops gently fall onto my head , sinking down below finding my scalp. I feel as it tinkles down my scalp , leaving a trail of cold kisses – making me shiver from it gentle yet affective feel. Raising my face to the high heavens , I feel the rain showering my face. This feels good….

My heart begins to grow heavier and heavier as each tiny drop covers my once dry self. Though a smile has appeared onto my lips , my heart bleeds. I smile at the fact that though I am bleeding on the inside , the weather takes my side by resembling my bleeding heart and soul and showers me.

Why am I standing in the rain , when I could easily wait inside the gym?

Well….I am waiting for someone who is not going to come. Pretty stupid hey! It makes no sense to wait for someone who does not even bother if you standing in the rain waiting for them , watching the door every second to see if they had arrived and plan your day revolving their schedule – but somehow , I am always the one who waits and care.

A noise brings me back down to planet earth – my bleeding heart faintly beats with desperation , hope and relief…but my mind , my mind scoffs and tells my heart to brace itself for the blow it is about to receive. It’s a battle between hope and facing reality. My head whips to the direction to where the noise comes from – hope…I feel it fill my heart. My heart begins to do somersaults inside my chest – its him! His here!

I watch the white Tazz appear closer and closer – just looking at the car makes all the wonderful memories we’ve had in come rushing back. My eyes search through it’s black tinted windows , they want to steal at least a small glimpse of him.  I have waited a whole week desperately wanting to see him – there is just something about him that makes me feel so safe yet loved…even though I know his love belongs to another.

I feel as if the rain has begun to rain harder on me , the lightening decorates the sky with a streak of light for a second. My heart…my entire being coming falling down – the thunder doing a great job of sounding out the events that are happening within me. I can taste the saltness of my own tears as they mix with the rain that falls down my face. The vehicle has long ago passed me , it wad not him but rather a similar vehicle with a different person.

Told you…. 

My mind voices out to my heart. It was obvious that he was not coming today , he had not come the entire week so why would he today. However , that little love struck girl in me thought he would miss me – thought that he would come just for me. She believed him when he said that he would avoid her , that he would still be her friend , that she meant something to him -I guess now she…we know the truth. I should have been home hours ago but I waited. I had told myself , what if he is running late? What if there is traffic? But now I know…Now I know that I was stupid to think and make those accuses for him. Whereas I should have been warm in my bed at this very moment – happy and warm – but due to my naïve  self , I am standing in the rain , wet and heartbroken.

13:00pm

“Where are you off to dad?” I skip into the lounge after hearing him get off the call with my mother. Our house has thin walls and everyone knows that the house of Indians are never quiet. It has become a habit…actually , we can not help but to hear conversations that happen in other rooms. I surely know already where my dad is off to but I ask , just too seem as if I was minding my own business.

“Your mom says she is going to be coming home from work late this evening” he says with a sign , “ so she said I should go out and buy some take out for dinner”. My mom is a very hardworking teacher , she is always striving for perfection. However , eversince she has become a teacher she kinds of busy all the time. Everyone is so used to her being at home , but now it’s as if she is rarely here. We miss her terribly but we can not tell her that for many many reasons.

A mischievous smile appears on my face as hear my dad out. Take – out means pizza!!!My dad rolls his eyes at me , he already knows that I am tagging along. Sure , it is easy for us to get the pizza delivered but we both know that we are going to stop at the store on the way home to buy some snacks.

Before he could say another word , I ran…well attempted to run – my legs were still sore from my training session in the morning. I leg pressed 120kgs – not bad for a girl hey.

Why is it that I eat so unhealthy after training , you ask…Well , it is simple. My body needs the calories to recover – I had already achieved my calorie deficit this morning and my body screams for carbs , so I got to give it what it needs in order to recover for morning.

Anyways , a pillow is tucked under my arm as I make my way over to my dad’s van. He knows well enough that I would rather sit at the back , where I feel wild and free. The pillow is so that my butt does not get sore while sitting back here. My dad and I have always been close … however , our relationship has changed – just a bit.

Maybe….maybe it is due to the fact that I locked myself in , or maybe it is due to me being to transparent. If I am that transparent , he must then seen what an awful person his daughter has become and therefore he is distancing himself away from me. Normally , it would break my heart to have someone close to me drift away  but I am used to it.

I throw my head back in complete bliss – my dad turns up the radio. The wind comes swooping in , making my hair wildly fly around. I feel it cause some discomfort for my eyes , but I do not give a damn about it – after all pleasure comes from pain. My mouth opens up wide , as words escape it. I scream at the top of my lungs , singing every sentence word by word.

“If happy ever after did exist ;

Id be holding you like this

Fairytales are full of shit

One more fucking love song I’ll be sick!!!”

I sing , as if I am care free – without any secrets , without any pain , and without a dark past. Other driver’s must look at me and form such jealousy and envy towards me – my carefree behavior is something every desires. Little do they know the pain I hide within – little do they know what I had been through.