16/04/2021 Part 2

12:00pm

I found a guy, told me I was a star

He held the door, held my hand in the dark

And he's perfect on paper, but he's lying to my face

Does he think that I'm the kind of girl who needs to be saved?

I sit in class , I had come an hour before my first lecture begins. Luckily , I had carried my headphones. Lauren Spencer’s voice helps me escape from my troubled state. While listening to her lyrics , I think back about the mornings events. My heart still swells with pain at the thought of it.

I close my eyes and let my head fall back , I reflect about everything we had been through. My mind takes me to the very beginning of our meeting. I remember the first time I had ever laid eyes on him.

In 2020 , after the world had come out of lockdown – I planned to run after my goal of becoming a female bodybuilder. Within a day , I was registered and a member of the nearest gym. At first , training in the free weights section was a bit to intimidating for me – so I stayed at the cardio section , trying to gain the confidence to face my fears. I remember… my mind was long gone , far away in another world – it would have been impossible to get back down to planet earth again.

However , he proved me wrong. He walked into the gym , as if he owned it. His body was covered with the grey soft jacket that stuck to him like a second skin – I smile to myself  , it was the same grey soft jacket that I held onto as I screamed his name. Anyways , I stared at him shamelessly – and why wouldn’t I? He easily grabbed every females attention in the room.

This man was thick.. .but thick with pure muscle. He was the kind of man that could break your back by simply hugging you , however his gentleness would have prevented him from doing so. I watched as he walked , and with every step he took – the ground beneath him shook. With just my luck , he used the machine in front of me. My mind was racing – was I look okay? Do I smell? However , I guess those stuff did not matter , because he did not even spare me a second glance. I remember going with so much disappointment , I knew a guy like him would never be interested in a girl like me.

Now I miss the days when I was young and naive

I thought the perfect guy would come and find me

Now happy ever after, it don't come so easily

Time went by , and I finally had come out of my shell. So I was training hard and I had made a couple of friends at the gym. From every guy , I always had my eyes on him. Even though he was a bit older than I was , I did not mind at all. He looked so mature , so strong...so gentle. I always sneaked glances at him – however , I feel as if he knew I was looking at him because he would always catch me looking.

One day , when I was struggling to breath proper after skipping – he came up to me and spoke.  After that , we were training buddies. I will never forget the day I asked him for his number and then found out he was married. I tried not seeing him in that manner afterwards , but obviously that did not work. I started noticing how he liked talking to me , how he would act so interested in all of the aspects of my life.

I really did not want to give in , I knew that being with a married man was wrong on every level. Nevertheless , he did everything so…perfectly. We never used to have any psychical touch – we were not that kind of friends but I would see how he would use every opportunity to touch me. I liked it , even though I knew it was wrong I did not want it to stop.

Soon after , my training partner who is also my bestfriend – I will introduce Captain (Yes , that’s his real name) to you guys later – did not make it to the gym. He took this opportunity to make me desire him , knowing full well that my bestie was not there to put a stop to it. Being the unstable person I was , I gave in. He touched me , pinched me , made me crave and want him – but he did not give me what I wanted. Throughout the weekend , I burned for him – I wanted him in evry way possible. On Monday – he strike.

I would not say he is a bad guy – he just had the same desires as I did. I guess I just caved in first.

All I want is love that lasts

Is all I want too much to ask?

Is it something wrong with me?

All I want is a good guy

Are my expectations far too high?

Try my best but what can I say?

All I have is myself at the end of the day

Shouldn't that be enough for me?

I think I fell for the way he cared for me , or was it because of how much interest he had in me. Whenever  I would see him , he would ask me a million questions regarding my life and myself. I basked in the attention he had given me – most probably my main downfall.  No guy is ever as interested in my life like he was , and I was honestly okay with that – but when he showed me what I was missing , is when I started to realize what my life lacked.

Even after our “sessions” at the back of his car , he would take such good care of me – something I never had. The way he would kiss my head and tell me what a good girl I had been – the way he would hold me with such care. Now that I think of it – how can he show so much care yet not care at all? Maybe it was all an act , maybe it was not – who knows? During the last three weeks , I noticed how he would look at me , and it was different. As I think of him looking and winking at me , I can not help but blush and smile. Everything felt so right but was so wrong – maybe I was getting way to attached to him , it was a good yet difficult move for me to put a stop to it all. Come to think of it , feelings ruin everything – if I had not felt this attachment , if I had not felt pain for his wife we would have never stopped. How can I say that I care about this man , when I am breaking up his happy home? If I really cared for him , I would leave him alone.

When I think of his children , my heart breaks. To think that he goes home with thoughts of me , fingers smelling of me , my taste in his mouth – how can he face them? His children must be looking to him as a role model – what kind of role model am I making him to be? How does he sleep next to his wife at night , knowing that he had been with me? My heart aches at the thought of him laying in bed with his wife but I am at ease because that’s the way it ought to be. As I think of him holding her , kissing her , whispering the words he whispered to me – I feel a lump form in my throat.

What am I to him?

A mistress…

I answer myself without even thinking. I place my hand over my black jersey as I feel my heart shatter for the millionth time. My mind races with questions – does he think I am his mistress? Does he think I am a slut? My anxiety begins to act up as I feel my breath escaping me. Little to no air was entering my lungs , the four walls of the lecture room was closing in on me. I closed my eyes , clenching onto my jacket. Using a trick my younger brother taught me , I started counting to 20 very slowly. At number eighteen , I was back to my own self. It will be a really wise thing not to think about that again , but knowing myself – I will.

I hear footsteps and my attention is averted to the front of the classroom. My close friend , Cat , walks in with a big goofy smile on her face. Cat is no ordinary girl – she is wacky , weird , goofy – so basically she is pretty awesome! She makes her way to the seat in front of me , and struggles to take her huge bag off her shoulders. Why she brings so much stuff to college , I truly do not know. My bag contains my food , one note pad and a pencil case with just a pen and pencil – but then again , I do not make much notes in class I prefer doing it at home.

“Is it just me…or everyone in this class besides you and I , are fake?” he says out randomly , making me smile.

“I thought I was the only one who noticed that!!” I exclaim. This is the reason why we clicked so easily – we were so alike. However , we were different in many a way too. I heard her laugh at me after I had said those things. I can not blame her for thinking that the rest of the girls in our class were fake , because it was clear as day. Cat and I always stood out – we never fit in with those proper “perfect” girls. Those girls tried to hard to fit in , to look their best that I kind of felt sorry for them. Cat and I were always ourselves – if we wanted to sit like we were at home , we definitely did. Here I was sitting with my legs on the desk , all snug and warm in this chilly weather but I grantee you that some of them will come with little to no shirts – but honestly who am I to judge. That is the reason as to why I let them do them , and I will do me. However , I cannot seem to ignore the judgmental stares I get sometimes. I look down at my outfit and I know for sure that this outfit would get me even more stares but worrying about it would mean I care about their opinion, which I do not.

“Lia…Lia!” Cat shouts at me , trying to get me out of my dreamland again. I tend to do that often but she does not mind. That is another reason why I click with her , she knows exactly when to leave me alone , she knows when I need space , and she knows when I need someone to talk to get in a better mood. Before she could tell me what she wanted to say , the rest of the class walks in and so does the lecturer.

As soon as the lecturer begins to start speaking , I tune out. I may seem as if I am looking at her and listening but my mind is long gone. After a few minutes , I turn to look out the window. I can not stop myself from thinking about him. I wander what he might be doing , if he thinks about me , if he is waiting impatiently to see me again even if we not going to have one of our sessions anymore. I guess , now that I think of it – we just were not meant to be. I always felt like I was born in the wrong era , and maybe this is the reason as to why I feel this way.

He found the girl of his dreams , he married her and he got three kids from her – who am I to him? I am a nobody… So in the end , I think I got my answer to all my questions. Why would he think of me when he has the woman of his dreams , the love of his life , next to him at night? Exactly…He wouldn’t