His Perfect Doll

I was walking in the hallway of the third floor in engineering building to hand over my last letter to him through the person I trust and who only knew about my feelings for him, a week from now I’ll be graduating and never have a chance to see him again.

It’s been four years since I started sending him a letter without knowing where it was from. I decided to be anonymous to him and hide my identity, I’m not hoping that him and I will have a chance but I’m wishing that someday he’ll give me a glance. How could I confessed my feelings for him if I couldn’t even tell to my family about my true sexuality. I’m also afraid of to be rejected even it’s part of falling in love.

I went to her room to give my letter and we had a short conversation. I can see through her face how sad she was to know that it will be my last letter for him.

I left her room and looked at its door for the last time, reminiscing the day's entering that room just to give my letter through her. I was leaving the third floor, I walked on the right direction of the floor when I glared at the front ground of the building, I saw him with his friends coming near in the build. I saw him laughing with his friends then I asked myself will I ever see those precious smile of him once I graduated. I decided to turn around and used the left stairs to leave the building, usually they use the right stairs since it’s nearer to their next subject which is the room of the professor who's helping me on that time.

While walking down to the building I reminisce what I have written in the letter— in a vintage style and was seal on it.

“Dear Brixton,

Just in a week it will be your last year in this university and be called as well-known engineer of our country. One more year and your hard work will be paid off. All this years I witnessed a man with dedication to its chosen profession which I won’t be surprised if you’ll be successful in the future. I know you have been through in a lot challenges just to achieve that and you may not sense me at your side when you’re down, but I was and I am with you. I hope with this kind of act, my letters made you feel motivated every time you read it— are you? Until now I don’t have any idea if you’re reading the letters that I have sent to you all this years. Cause if you are I’ll be definitely be glad, if not you’ll be lucky cause this will be my last letter for you.

I want to grab this opportunity to confess my feelings for you. I decided not to introduce myself all this years because I know that you’re not into some like me, it might makes me feel awkward whenever our paths crossed unexpectedly if I confessed my feelings for you so soon, but still I want to express my love for you through doing this. I’m a stranger to you but you’re not to me but I hope I don’t creep you out thus appreciate me.

It’s been six years since I first saw you and I can still remember your appearance in that exact moment. It was dark and the light’s we’re moving so fast that makes me dizzy yet you caught my attention and automatically focused on you. You were wearing a dark blue Hawaiian polo, tucked in to your trousers which really suites to you. With your smile it makes my eyes frozen to your direction, and my eyes turns cold when I saw a girl kissed you— she was your girlfriend.

First year college when I found out that you and your girlfriend broke up because she cheated on you. I don’t know but I felt quite happy that moment when I found out that you two broke up yet felt upset from what she have done to you, cause why would a perfect man be dumped by that. I also felt that we’re destined because you supposed to be studying in the other city like me yet we both chose the same university. It might be coincidence but I'm hoping it's not.

I started sending you a letters through your teacher since she’s very closed to me. For four years you didn’t asked her where it was from and that means you’re not interested to know who it was. That’s why I never tried nor planned to tell you who I am cause I already know the answer...

Love me back or not my love for you will never be lessen. You’re not obligated to send back all the love that I have invested to you. It’s not your fault, it was mine. Just let me be. But I hope for the last four years I even once crossed in your mind... Someday— I will be brave enough to confess my feelings, I wish when that time comes you’re still available and ready to accept what kind of person I am. I don’t know if a long wait will be over and worth it but all I know is that I love you always.

Love,

Sire”

I was walking down to the stairs that time when a smile drew in my face. Will I laughed out of this when I read those letters of mine after a decade like everybody said? Will I be able to confess to him in the future? But the question that keeps bothering me is will I ever have a chance to be love by him. Cause it’s really risky to love a straight man if you are also a man.

I was almost at the ground when I heard a group of people talking in the stairs between firs and second floor. I saw Brixton’s friends there but I haven’t seen him there yet. I was planning to turn around to change my direction but I heard his voice slowly becoming lauder as her goes near. I looked at him at my peripheral, when I confirmed that it was him my feet stopped moving as if it was cemented where I was standing because of the tense manage to walked. Cause if not I might want to be eaten alive by earth at that moment rather than to be look stupid at him.

I walked normally towards his friends and passed over without looking at them and trying to relax myself, I even heard one of his friend wondering why an education student going around at engineering students building.

“Why are they there?” I whispered to myself.