TWELVE

I looked over at him and smiled. “I think I’m okay.”

He was watching me closely but was quiet, as if he knew intuitively that I was wrestling with personal boulders and needed time to organize their placements inside my head. Alone. “You are?” he asked as if confirming.

I nodded. “I am.” I looked down at our pizza and suddenly, I was hungrier. I put the last piece of the sliced pizza he’d cut for me in my mouth and chewed cheerfully.

I thought this was the first time I admitted to myself that I was really having fun and it was alright to feel this way. Since my mother’s sickness, it’s been tough to feel even remotely happy about anything. And being a gloomy idiot was not going to help my cause.

I felt him pulling at me. I slid towards him and leaned on him as we ate companionably. He pinched my cheek a little when I was biting on my second slice of pizza. Then I smiled as I thought about how we both liked pineapples on our pizzas.

Again, I was reminded of how lucky I was to be doing this with him, whom I knew would have been a good friend in different circumstances.

“I wish we had some wine,” he said softly near my ear. He sounded so contented.

I couldn’t say the same. Somehow, wine and pizza and leaning on him like this made me think of his hotel room and wine and both of us naked and having sex.

Suddenly, I knew he was thinking the same. His fingers were caressing the side of my neck as if unthinkingly, but the movement changed. Subtly. From the tips of his fingers, they had become his knuckles and his touch were so soft.

He turned his hand and it became the pad of his fingers touching me. Then it was his whole hand cupping the side of my face to turn me to him, and his lips planting another kiss on my lips, I readily kissed him back.

“You’re thinking about sex,” I whispered to him as my hand fell on his chest.

“I’m thinking about dinner and wine in my room. And... sex.”

My breath hitched at how almost accurate our thoughts were. “Yeah… like what I imagined it would be like if we’re truly together.”

I felt him go still for a moment, and then he kissed my temple. It was smooth and slow like he was thinking. “It is like that, huh? I’m really enjoying this day with you. I like walking with you, snitching some kisses, and kissing you thoroughly somewhere private. Isn’t that something you’d like if you had a boyfriend?”

“Positively.” I moved away a little so I could look at his face. “So what do you think? I don’t want you leaving tomorrow not thoroughly convinced about the merchandise.”

His eyebrows knotted. “I know we have an arrangement, but I don’t feel alright hearing you call yourself merchandise, Gia. I know I used the word as a joke before but it sounds… crass now. And I am so sorry. It’s not ever like that.”

I blinked. And I stared at him. “Don’t get too… concerned about me. I don't think that’s good… considering we have an arrangement and we’re not really…” I took a big sigh.

“I get what you mean, but I don’t call anyone who works with me in all the businesses I won merchandise. Considering that we’re supposed to be in front of people close to me, I don’t think I’ll act well seeing you as a… merchandise.”

I smiled teasingly at him. “Are you getting attached to the merchandise, Bain?”

But he didn’t smile. “It’s not even a teasing matter, Gia. I know we have a highly irregular arrangement, and believe me, it is… it’s been pretty weird for me to think about the idea in the beginning, too. But I… it’s not going to be easy for me to do this if you think I’m just—”

“Using me. Like merchandise.” I suddenly got what he meant. “I shouldn’t have used that word. I was kidding and I wasn’t thinking, Bain.”

He smiled, but it wasn’t his usual smile. “I feel like a louse.” And shame was all over his face.

My heart was beating uncomfortably. “No… you’re just a good man.”

“A good man who’s used the unfortunate circumstance of a woman to manipulate her into doing something she wouldn’t normally do.”

“Oh no…” I could imagine that if there was guilt on his face, dismay was on mine. “You are saving this woman’s mother’s heart. You’re allowing her to finish her education. She might be able to save her house and give her nana a comfortable life retiring with her and her mother, whom she regards as family more than her blood relatives. Don’t make what you’re doing for me small in comparison to what you’re expecting me to do for you, Bain. You’re basically rescuing me from a difficult and painful future, okay? That’s something I am not taking lightly. Not at all.”

He still watched me. “If there is anything else I can do—”

“I’ll ask,” I said, taking it from him. “I will. I promise.”

“You know I’ll make you promise.”

I smiled. “Is that like a businessman thingie? Like, I always have to confirm.”

“I’d want it put in writing, but my attorney will probably tell me I’m being an idiot, so no. It’s just… me. Bain’s preference.”

I sighed. “You are a good man. And I don’t know what I did for you to find me in a time of my greatest need and help me out.”

“You don’t feel that I’m forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do?”

“To be honest…? Yesterday was really one of the most shockingly satisfying days of my adult life. And that’s not really easy to confess. You’re not really a stranger anymore, for all the things I already know about you. But I met you just a few days ago. It was unexpected. And today…” I turned around and looked around me, and then pointed at the mat and the pizza and I melted against him. “Ask me when the last time was that I had a picnic, ever.”

“When was it?”

I didn’t answer right away because I was trying to remember exactly. “I was nine. I’m talking about a real picnic and it was here in Sheep Meadow and my father was still alive. Since he passed away, my mom has been very busy trying to work two or three jobs that she’s not home even on weekends for a very long time. Nana cooks really well, so we kind of have this small breakfast nook in our backyard and we get to eat there together on rare occasions when mom was home at the same time as I was not in school. It’s really beautiful there, especially during non-winter seasons, because my Nana keeps a good garden. The only time we got to go out was when someone was celebrating birthdays. But, no, there was nothing like this. Picnics depress my mom. It definitely reminded her of Daddy and I wouldn’t even dare ask her to go. Especially here. I come here alone, to walk, and have lunch on my own. This place definitely reminds me of Dad and they were good memories, so I deliberately come here whenever I can. But it wasn’t the same with Mommy. It’s always sad for her because she misses him in ways I guess a daughter cannot fill for her.”

I felt his arms going around me. “I should have made more effort then. I promise you better picnics in Texas. Of course, there will be horses and cold chicken sandwiches and camping… maybe. And wine. I’ll not forget the wine next time.”

I laughed. “Thank you. If it makes you feel better, I’d like that.”

“Gia…”

“Are you feeling better?”

He took a moment to reply. “I think so. But I was thoroughly enjoying the boyfriend act.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.”

I wondered how comfortable it was being in his arms like this, and how easy it was to talk to him.

And he seemed to feel the same way about me. So I was hoping he would get over his guilt quickly.