Rejection

As exams drew near, I got busy in studying.You know exams are always a pain in the ass or its what I've thought.

Because their is tension squeezing your insides whether you're prepared or not,Its still there.

So our mind don't wander anywhere because their is a time bomb ticking in your brain,waiting to explode at anytime.

I hate them yet I survived.Now they're over.

The best feeling is when they're over.

You know like a huge boulder has been removed from my shoulders.

So we enjoyed the last day by roaming in college.Roaming is really my thing.

I like to be free of bounds.

As my lifestyle due to absence of my mother, I'm answerable to none.Baba don't pay much attention to where I'm going,what I'm doing unless I'm not causing trouble.

Same goes with my brother.So there are perks of my life.I don't know I would like to have some loving ties than no hindrance.But this what circumstances have made me to.

I didn't chose what I've become.But I can't change it anymore.

Ok Chachu cares a hell lot.He always checks upon me,try to keep me safe.But still sometime I manage to sneak before him.

When I went back home I was happy and calm.The best sleep came after exam.Your whole body relaxes and veins start to dilate the pressure of blood.

As sleepyhead I am I went to deep slumber.Afterwards I planned to visit my Nanyalis (my maternal grandfather and grandmother).

Baba had bought me mobile phone when I went to academy saying Its necessary now.Chachu was not a bit happy about it .It was simple phone.

Here I got a text from someone saying:

Hi

I asked wondering who was that : Who???

Amaar. 

I felt anticipation coursing through me.I was really baffled to know he was texting me.

Oh ok! 

My mind was nagging me for what stupid I am for saying ok.Whatever It was sent now.

Kya haal hai? (How are you)

Thek hun (I'm fine)

.I replied shortly.What was I supposed to say.It was not we were best buddies.

Ami kesi hain?.He was asking about Dado aka my grandmother.

Thek (Okay) ~ Me

Tmhy pata mjhy tmhare ek bt  bhaut achi lgti (You know I like that thing about you) ~He

Now I was really breathing hard.

Kya baat? (Which thing?) ~ Me

Kay tum apne kaam sy kaam rakhti(That you mind your own business) ~He

Ok I know It was simple thing.Yet coming from his mouth make me happy.

Stupid and naive hayaat.My brain shuts me up.

Thankyou~ Me

Hayaat ~ He

I know my name is beautiful but coming from him makes it most beautiful and affectionate thing in world.He never called my name.

Always used to say witch, kid and cat.It really sounds good.

G (Yes) ~ Me

I'm really bored.Can you keep chatting with me ~ He

I thought what to say then agreed.

Ok what you want to talk about~Me

Anything.Just keep chatting ~ He

I tell you jokes then ~ Me

Ok ~ He

Then I forward him some jokes that I've got in my inbox.

He laughed and reply.So like that evening went.

Days went by and I get addicted to texts.

You know the worst part of falling is you don't know your drowning and you realize when water had reached beyond safety.

Actually our families were always close and Chachii  also used to call me her daughter.They always talk about our marriage.

We were destined to be together and I was accepting that fact with time.The bitterness for him was going away with something different.I liked that something.

Little did I know It was never meant to be.

The little butterflies were turning into huge storms in my heart and I was at that naive time of my age that I didn't know how to prevent that 

You can't save yourself from burns when you've already touched the fire

     **********************

One day I was rushing towards my room when I heard voices from other room.

I can recognize  his voice from miles away.I always do .I don't know it became my habit. 

Like the air tell me before his arrival that he is coming 

I halted in the steps when I caught their chatter.

"Baba why don't you understand, I don't like her"

His voice was irritated thick with frustration 

Like he was trying to convince Chacha about something 

I know he has a way with words 

He always get what he wants

"What's wrong with her she is best match for you , hayat is nice girl"

Arshad Chacha said in his firm tone.Breath caught in my throat at his statement.What the heck they were talking about.Now my ears perked up in concentration.

And my heart was beating faster in anticipation of his next words

"I always thought of her as my little sister.She is insane.I'm not mad enough to marry her"

He sighed.These words were enough to pierce a hole in my heart.

Mad enough??

Tears were streaming down my face.I was utterly shocked at those words.It felt like a dagger in my heart.

His cruel words were like a slap to my soul , my mind and my existence

I can't believe it.My mind unable to understand all those declarations.

Those stares,Those compliments

"You look beautiful Haya"

She is insane

"I'm addicted to your talking"

I'm not mad enough to marry her.

You're so innocent

What he want?

Is my pureness not enough?

It arose so many questions in my already perplexed mind 

What do I lack?

Just because I'm not like other girls 

Just because I don't giggle at every man's comment 

Just because I'm not comfortable enough to talk dirty with him 

Just because I haven't shown anything to him 

My beauty, my curves 

Just because I'm not a fake piece of doll that is always perfect 

People are enchanted by her every move 

Just because I'm not that girl

That day I realized I was broken.Who said emotional pain is normal.

My confidence was ruined

It hurts.My chest was tightened,all life knocked out of me.I don't know when he became such an important part in my life.

I just knew he was always there in every joy in every tear he was there.My memories were full of him in our childhood.He was there when my favourite music phone was broken and he mend it for me.He was there when my foot was injured and he put a cloth on it and took care of me and hide me from Dado for two days as I slipped from roof of the house in murree.Our roofs are slanted there made of tin when we use to take slides.

He was there always teaming with me while playing football I was his favourite goal keeper.He was always there playing with whiteboard acting as my teacher while we were playing school.

He was there when my matric result was out.In childhood he was like a brother to me,a support like hussnain.

Id know when my feelings changed and I want him in my every memory that was built in future.

I felt so embarassed,shocked that he doesn't felt that bond that I always felt with all these passing years.How could he forget every memory.I was not that unnoticeable and unloveable that after such a long time nothing develops.

How could I be such a fool to not know his true intentions.I was really making assumptions on my own.I was really that naive to not understand a man's gaze of love.If I had given such precious and long time to someone else he would have kissed the ground I walk on.

I never looked at any other boy,there was no place for anyone in my life I always protected myself for what.

For my humilition,for pain.

I don't want anything from him like other girls.No money,no clothes,no pampering just love.Why can't he just give me that.Why can't he see me like I see him without flaws,beautiful with his mistakes.

I felt his kindness and fell in love with it then why did he not notice my small acts ,my attributes.

It tore my heart.That I wasted my love and care for wrong person from the start.

It broke me.I want to shout loud,I want to complain loudly but I can't.

That day I wished I never love anyone as it brought only pain.

I promised that I would never love a male again.I will never give someone such power to break my heart and walk all over it.I'm not going to give anyone my precious time,attention anymore.

I can't be the same person anymore

My heart constricted in pain.It was pain.Pain of rejection.Nothing is worst as rejection.