Untamed Vines

"They say I'm wild, they're right because I possess untamed spirits"

Like the summer wind rushing through the beach, my life was going and moving.I was hell busy in my studies.

Let me tell you I was always bright student.I took part in every competition.I don't know a part of me craves for attention and affection.

Today my sister got 1st position in speech.Everybody was celebrating like we got Ferrari.

No offence I just love Ferrari.That red colour is so hot

My mom was gloating like a king who got his throne.Baba made a video of her.I wasn't envious of her.No I was just mad at the irony.

When I used to do these things.When I used to come up with medal ,no one bothers except Chachu.

He always appreciated me.He was my small beacon of life in my world of darkness.

****FLASHBACK*****

I won the great competition of quiz in school.I got a big prize.I was so happy.Everyone came even the students other than my class fellows congratulated me.

I won the championship of 6 houses.They're kind of groups in school.

I felt so special.I was on cloud nine.

It was in 5th grade.I was excited to show my parents.

I got back home.Unfortunately, no one was there.My caretaker Uncle Yaseen congratulated me.

When that huge cup was in my hands moving back at home,everybody was looking at me.I felt proud.

Baba and mama hadn't yet arrived.I waited for my father to come and see me.I wanted to see pride and affection in his eyes.

I was a child craving for his love

They don't came.I waited until night.They arrived.As usual both gave the lame excuses like 

there was traffic.Office load was very much.

It became usual and we became used to.With time we don't even bother to ask why they were late.

Mama's eyes caught the prize and she said:Congratulations!

She was always fake.Her eyes betraying her words and action.I used to hate smiling people because of her, because I thought they were like her.Wolf in sheep's clothing.Never showing their true colors.

She always lied too much that sometimes it was very hard to believe what she said was truth and what was lie.

I hated people like her.Not real.

I thanked her.Then baba came he just gave me slight nod and said : GOOD

He was really tired and went to bed.I just smiled.Smiled that its ok.That people are facing worst than it.

***FLASHBACK ENDED****

Tears started streaming down my face.WHY!!!! WHAT WAS DIFFERENT NOW....

I don't hate her.Astaghfirullah! I'm not bad.I envy the love she get.I envy the hugs and kisses that felt pure and divine.

I want those warm eyes to look at me with those affection.

I know I'm ungrateful but I can't help it.

I don't know but it hurts.After 11 years it still hurts.

My heart is still alive.Why don't it just became numb and dead.It beats everytime with more power.

It was always like this.People used to smile at their Board results but I cry.I cry till there is no tear in my eyes.I cry till my whole heart bleeds.

Because my Baba always call me late for congratulations.That used to be on phone because I used to be in Murree in summers.

People appreciate me, love me yet he just gave last call because he was fucking busy.

What the hell was more important than her daughter result!!!

I know he makes money, work hard for us.For feeding us.But Is it the only thing he had to do.Was it enough.....

He used to compensate for his lack of time by money.Did money buy happiness??

If yes? I would be the biggest buyer.

So I cried because it made me think of my Mama.It was a kind of remainder that brought all her memories.

What she would have done If she was here? Would she become happy and give me her beautiful smile? Would she be happy to see her daughter had became so grown up having hair just like her? She is pursuing her dreams like she wanted to?

Would she hug me..Would she kissed me and gave me her warmth like every mother used to do to his children.

So I really missed her that day.It was always like this.

**********************

It was second year of FSC.I was very busy in studies.Don't have any time to interact to any person.

I think burying myself in book reduces my pain.The emptiness of my home and now emptiness of my heart.

My heart yearned for very little things and he was one

I don't want him anymore.But I can't forget him either.So I let things just the way they are.

I can't help it.

When fsc was over.I got admission in medical college.It was dream of my mother.It was the reason of my living.

I know pain of departure of your loved ones best. So I want to save other loved ones.I want to soothe their pain.Help them.That was my only purpose now.

If I couldn't be happy then maybe others can be.

But a part of me was lost.I didn't care anymore.I don't care for my home.I didn't care if my parents were there or not.I became heartless.

Chachu was hurt because of my indifference.He used to say : "Talk to people Hayat.Visit your grandmother and spent time with your little cousins.Don't shut yourself down"

I know he cares for me but I can't do this.After Amaar rejection I started hating myself.

I feel worthless.It was painful for me to talk to anyone.I just like to sit in my room with my books rather than talking to people ,of stuff I don't give shit.

When I see people smiling, I hated it.It disgusted me.Because I thought they are faking it.It is not real but enforced.

And I hate fakers.

I know I became rude or cold.My dear ones used to say that :

Haya what have you become.Why you're so distant and cold

How do I tell them, me and my brother were like untamed vines.When we were growing, nobody grafted and tamed us.Nobody cared and cut our sharp edges.

That's why we grow wild and ruthless. We grow only on dependence of sunlight and rain.

They made us strong,firm and cold.Yes, it made us hard,hard to sustain the environment.Hard as rock.

We had became what world had made us.

And I HAYAAT AHSAN accept it.I accept my reality and I embrace it.

They expect us to smooth our expressions and actions.How could you smooth something that is BROKEN

BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR.

**************************

My MBBS was going on So was I.Amaar and Ayesha Api used to text me once in a while.I reply with short answers.What he expects,me jumping like a puppy.

That couldn't be achieved anymore.The innocent and loving Hayat was gone.

My third year in MBBS was going on.Alhamdulilah everything was fine.A devastating earthquake occured in Northern Areas near Neelum valley.Many people were injured , few died.Poor souls.

A team for helping the victims was escorted and college was also participating.

I volunteered there.So after a lot of arguing , insisting Chachu and Bhai they gave me permission.You know mom Dad don't give a shit so telling them was not a major issue.

I may got to Antartica for all they care.

I was going for a week with my colleagues and team.I packed my things and go to sleep.

A lot of work was ahead for me.It would be tiring day.We have to wake up early in morning and would be leaving in college vehicle.