"Why can't you be moon...So that I could gaze at you without thinking its sin"
Ok that stupid pain of rejection again bloomed in my heart when today my grandmother called in.
She is something very important in my life.After my mother death,she stood for me and my brother when others don't care.
She loved us,cared for us.Her eyes showing remorse,pain and affection towards us.She was tough as stone but melted for us.I really love her.She means a lot to me.
She called for asking about how I'm doing.She used to say:
"My son is big idiot.If he ever hurt you call me.I will bang some sense into his brain through my cane"She has that cane with her which she uses for multifunctions like switching off the button of tv, grabbing the little chair towards herself so that she could lay her one leg on it.
As her one leg is swollen, due to cellulitis affecting it 2 years ago.
For also kicking my cousins or his grand childrens when they are doing somethi
After I settled in my home I continued my usual routine.Winters were coming nearer day by day.I hate winters personally because of attack of horrendous flu alongwith runny nose,teary eyes and repeatless sneezing and coughing.But I know a few preventive measures to stay away from Manhoos flu,So I can survive.The best part is Dado would soon be coming.Suddenly that kind-not-so-kind image of my grandmother came in my mind bringing a grin on my face.I really love her.She's my huge support mechanism.All these years my 'Nano Jan' and "Dado Jan" had became motherly figure for me.She's really annoying sometimes barking orders and clearly stating what she doesn't like ,accompanied by scrunching of her nose, and her signature curling of fingers in a snake shape and pointing at the accuser or may I say victim.I laughed remembering those times when she would do that to Shazia Chachi (my father's first brother wife) because she hadn't cook food yet.
So right now I'm at Chachu's home eating breakfast as I haven't any in mine.Dadu is a bit worried.She has a kind of hospital phoebia.I don't know when she is going towards hospital she starts panicking,her hearbeat accelerate at high pace,sweat profused on her forehead."Stop panicking dado.I know you'll be fine.That is nothing big.It would be a minor urinary infection as always"I tried to soothe her a bit.She just nodded at me.We took her towards Central Hospital in urology department.Actually she wasn't feeling fine after her minor diltation in CMH.Her legs started to swell and due to continuos urination she couldn't sleep alnight.Let me tell you guys government hospital is like a minor table or place but patients are crowding like houseflies all over the place.It feels like every person in Pakistan has this disease.And don't ask me about the huge line.We had a call number of 210 .Usually we go to private urologists and have
Her health was deteriorating day by day.She was lying on hospital bed in ICU ward.Her eyes closed.Breathing ragged, drool with puss, was sometimes leaving her mouth, a cotton was wrapped up near the mouth region.Nasogastric tube was attached, connected through her nose.Her drowsy half opened eyes open once in a while to roam around the room to take us inMe and my younger Aunt(dado's youngest daughter) were standing near her bed.Everyone else was outside coming once in a while to check upon her.Our whole family was ourside the ward...there was a huge crowd.In that moment I realized she was very beloved in everybody eyes.Tears rolled down my cheeks when her eyes connected with mine conveying our last goodbyes.I was trying not to let her go,pleading with my eyes to stay,but her eyes were too tired,too tired that after few moments they dropped down.I knew she was fighter but this time she didn't want to win.SHE was losing the battle of life.
I don't know how long my brother drove that car with red eyes,I don't know how much time we travelled,me completely numb.All memories,All her words were playing like photographic slideshow in my brain.I don't even remember when we got down.But the cold wind chilling my warm body made me realized that we are in Murree indeed.Those mountains were eating me up.Our home could be seen from distance.When we entered ,my third chachu family was there.My chachi came early to prepare.Because the world doesn't fall down when you're falling.They don't think what you're bearing, they talk about people clothes.Were their home clean? Did they gave good food on funeral? Did they meet every lady? Why was her daughter not crying? I think she doesn't care enough? Her granddaugter was crying too much,very unsophisticated.These are the stigmas of our society.They know how to raise question on those who are mourning and If their way of mourning is not appealing to them.So
It was the day of my Nikkah(Marriage ceremony).I still can't grasp this fact.Everything was happening so fast that I just surrendered myself to the flow.I have to leave with him after Nikkah.We were having reception later.I was still too shocked by these huge changes in my life.My father might not give me enough love and care but he had shown his love through giving me luxurious and peaceful lifestyle.I was like a princess in his home.I never ever have to beg to anyone for anything.He provided us with everything he can give.I don't know what lies ahead.Whether my in laws would be good to me.Will they treat me well.I'm not used to do heavy hardwork.There were always servant for them.Ya Allah..let me be good wife.Give me enough strength to fulfill all my duties well.I don't wan't to disappoint anyone.They don't want to leave me like that. They want to take me with them. My Chachu didn't want to delay anymore.I still hadn't seen him.I don't care a
My face was veiled afterwards.A women came to me and held my hands"Slam bhabhi...I'm Zehra.I'm your husband's sister.I'm daughter of your deceased step mother's sister".She was so beautiful with brown locks and light brown eyes.She was Sabheen Khala daughter.Sabheen khala was married to Pushtoon family.I recalled that much.She died at young age due to car accident alongwith her husband.I heard they have two children.I never caught more because they move outside Pakistan afterwards.Mom sometimes visited them but I never bother to go to their house.I was not close to my step mother's relatives.We barely met at weddings and some gatherings.I never ever imagined in my whole life.I would get married in that family.Now I was literally freaking out.Oh Allah let everything be Ok.Let them be good people.What If they were like tough pushtoons who have gun attached to them.Who never mind to hit their women.No hayaat stop it.They a
I don't know for how long I kept sitting on floor carpet.After I gained my senses back I move towards bathroom.It was huge with black tiles, huge tub at corner parted by glass sliding.There was also walk in closet besides bathroom.Atleast the dragon has nice home.I smiled at the little nickname I have given him.I took clothes from my bag and undress myself,clothing myself in white maxy frock and white dupatta.I wash my face off and performed wudhu.I offered my esha prayers and move my hand upwards for dua.When I said Ameen and put my hands on my face in "Ameen form"I felt someone stare.Then, I removed my hands I saw him staring hard at me with amusement and intrigue.When he saw I noticed him,I questioned through my eyesWhat??He shifted his gaze and moved towards closet.Omg!!! I hate it when people don't talk what they're thinkingAhh!! Stupid psycho handsome man.I just wrapped the prayer mat and moved towards bed.I was
After few seconds,I composed myself.I was so damn worried about him that I even forget to offer my Isha prayers.I'm not punctual in Namaz.I don't know I've tried so much but still I forget but since Dado's death a switch is turned on and I haven't skip a single prayer.It may be due to the irritation caused by my jerk of a husband that I need something to calm downWe humans are such mean creatures.In pain,we remember Allah like we should do anytime.Why broken hearts feel Allah so close to them.Why not in happiness.Such selfish we are.So I offered Isha prayers and slept in room besides our bedroom.It has single bed.It is kind of guestroom.I woke up early in morning.My sleep cycle is so unstable,sometimes I sleep too much and sometimes too little.Your brain is also unstable,my subconsious taunted.Oh thank you,for reminding me more of my problems.I make breakfast as usual.I was pouring the tea in cup when I feel someone settled down beside on chair
I was running while Azaan was chasing me .My laughs could be heard over my increasing heartbeat.I could feel him approaching from behind.I just look behind and then ran faster but unfortunately my running spree stopped at door.I ceased and turn around my breaths were short due to this much running.I just looked towards him with a little fear and excitement .He just stopped a metre away from me and I was facing him.His hair dishevelled ,breaths ragged due to exertion.He just moved closer,calming his breath and said smirkingGot you .Then he took my hand and said:Before you act like a child again I need to talk to you.I just let him take me towards the room.My hands still in his warm large ones.I'm still not used to this holding hands thing.It feels so intimate and yet I love how my small hand fit perfectly into his large muscular one.After we were settled down at the bed facing each other he looked at me, his hands fiddling with the bedsheet ,a
It seemed like time stood still at the momentAmaar left and I didn't bother to acknowledge his departure. I was just looking at the person who was my partner. The partner in the journey of my life.I was looking into the eyes of a person infront of whom my soul was left bare. All the barriers I had built for so many yearsThey were gone nowThose three simple wordsThey were not words to me that were my whole existenceI was giving a part of meWelcoming someone into my life was like giving everything to himMy sorrows , my happiness , my responsibilities , my timeEverythingI would turn softAnything that has the ability to hurt him will hurt me tooThere is a chance of pain due to himThere would be a weakness and strength both So these three words were the most painful , meaningful and core-shaking words for me They were not
I lightly slapped his cheeks , patting his head I removed his brown locks that were falling on his forehead.when I shouted again his name,slapping his cheeks with more pressure this timehe grunted in response. Oh Allah he's going to explode like hot lava If he's body keeps on burning like that. I immediately removed his jacket , socks and undid some buttons of his shirt to cool him down.Then I rushed towards washroom taking some gauzes with me along with a cup of water.I put the wet gauze on his forehead,applying slight pressure.After doing this procedure few times his eyes fluttered open.I can't even describe the happiness I felt when his lazy gaze met mine. Are you okay? I asked smoothly in low tone but my throat was heavy, it came with emotions. Hayaa.... I'm okHe almost whispered in lazy tone , but seeing my anxious eyes he immediately put up a facade . This little fever couldn't do a thing to me. First
At morning after breakfast I was at the door to see off my brother.Azaan had already left.I hugged him,taking him all in as we meet after so long time.He looked at me putting his hands on mine"Hayaat you could always come home If there is a problem.I'll be always there for you"I know he will understand,he was not so dumb.He knew everything just by seeing me." I learned to fight my battles myself brother a long time ago.Have faith in me "He smiled at me "Allah Hafiz my lil sis"Allah Hafiz I waved back watching his retreating back.***********************Next days were passing like a blur movie on screen that I barely had time for myself.Then I was shifted in neurology department and there was a little bit relaxament there as compared to lifesucking surgery department.I make breakfast for Azaan and he used to leave before I'm ready while at night I left his dinner at table and go for a sleep because I can't stand more like zombie.We barely talk an
Oh my God why he is making it difficult invading my personal space like that.My heart was again dancing in my chest ready to explode.I looked down and try to move out of his hold."What was that Haya"I was really aware of what he was asking.I blushed more at him." I don't know what you are talking about?" I try to play dumb."Look at me Haya while I'm talking to you"He put a hand under my chin closing the gap between us.His usual smell of sandalwood and citrous immediately filled my senses and when I met his gold eyes they were burning a hole through me.His gaze always burn a fire in my heart.Oh Allah I will surely die with this close proximityYou didn't die earlier.My subconsious retorted referring to my earlier bravery."Tell me or I can remind you what I'm talking about." He said smugly and I looked at him alarmingly.Don't do that.Oh Allah ."Not so brave are we now.Where is your confidence princess that was earlier the
Next morning I woke up late.I tossed all night on my bed thinking.I touched my lips still shivering from the memory.Why would he do that? He don't even like me.I danced with a non-Mehram.Allah g what have I done.Last night I prayed Nawafil Toba along with Namaz Isha and kept begging Allah to forgive my sins.I'm still too weak and my Imaan still quivers like a fragile feather moved by wind.But Allah says he forgives who repents and beg mercy for his sins as He isAr-Rahman (All Merciful)Today is sunday so I can lay down more.After mustering up courage,I try to act normally like nothing had happened I move towards kitchen and started making breakfast.I was beating the eggs for omelette when I heard footsteps nearing myself,I turn around and was approaching the spices when felt the presence,seizing my all movement.I gazed upwards and tried to give a smile.Good MorningI tried to act normal.He just smiled at me.His eyes
I just took my red long maxy from cupboard.It was beautiful yet modest.I was gonna paired up with my long black heels and red dupatta.I was letting my hijab loose today so a few strands of hair were falling on both sides.My maxy was long with black stones on chest.It was little fitting on waist.I put my eyeliner on and put dark red lipstick on my lips.I hardly put lipstick on but today I wanted to look beautiful.After parting my hair from middle I put them on bun with few strands on both sides.I put the necklace Azaan gave me.It was perfect.I heard Azaan calling me impatient so I took my black clutch and move outwards I was moving down from stairs when his eyes caught me.He was looking ravishing in black suit with white shirt underneath.His hair were tamed back but his jaw almost dropped when he saw me.He was looking at me with such intensity that my breath hitched.Those fiery golds were burning me with that look.When I move towards him ,he was still look
After few seconds,I composed myself.I was so damn worried about him that I even forget to offer my Isha prayers.I'm not punctual in Namaz.I don't know I've tried so much but still I forget but since Dado's death a switch is turned on and I haven't skip a single prayer.It may be due to the irritation caused by my jerk of a husband that I need something to calm downWe humans are such mean creatures.In pain,we remember Allah like we should do anytime.Why broken hearts feel Allah so close to them.Why not in happiness.Such selfish we are.So I offered Isha prayers and slept in room besides our bedroom.It has single bed.It is kind of guestroom.I woke up early in morning.My sleep cycle is so unstable,sometimes I sleep too much and sometimes too little.Your brain is also unstable,my subconsious taunted.Oh thank you,for reminding me more of my problems.I make breakfast as usual.I was pouring the tea in cup when I feel someone settled down beside on chair
I don't know for how long I kept sitting on floor carpet.After I gained my senses back I move towards bathroom.It was huge with black tiles, huge tub at corner parted by glass sliding.There was also walk in closet besides bathroom.Atleast the dragon has nice home.I smiled at the little nickname I have given him.I took clothes from my bag and undress myself,clothing myself in white maxy frock and white dupatta.I wash my face off and performed wudhu.I offered my esha prayers and move my hand upwards for dua.When I said Ameen and put my hands on my face in "Ameen form"I felt someone stare.Then, I removed my hands I saw him staring hard at me with amusement and intrigue.When he saw I noticed him,I questioned through my eyesWhat??He shifted his gaze and moved towards closet.Omg!!! I hate it when people don't talk what they're thinkingAhh!! Stupid psycho handsome man.I just wrapped the prayer mat and moved towards bed.I was