Almost fall

Chapter 03

Stella

"Mom? I'm home, where are you?" I searched almost around our house yet I didn't even see a glimpse of her, maybe she was out? Bought some stuff? But it is somehow weird, our kitchen is still full and even if it's not, she is always with me, we're going to grocery store together. But maybe, she was really out and doing some stuff, I'll just wait here. I'll just leave her a tex--- I was interrupted by a sudden rang. Unknown number? Due to curiosity, I answered it.

"Hello?" I am not familiar with the man's voice. "Is this Stella Ocampo?" I raised my eyebrow.

"This is police officer Mariano, your mother is here at our station." In their station? But why? Does she committed a crime? "What?! What happened? Is my mom alright?" I bombarded him with questions, shit! What the hell just happened? We're fine few hours ago!

"Can you come here? I cannot bear with this. I guess, this isn't my scope. You need to bring a psychological expert."

Wait? Expert in psychology? Is he even real? My mom is not insane! "Sir my mom isn't crazy, why do I need to bring an expert in psychology?!" I gritted my teeth, what the hell happened in those few hours I wasn't here?!

"I am really sorry, but she's insisting that she is already dead, you're her child right?  Stella Ocampo. We get to know you the moment we began our investigation. Please, we need your cooperation. I'll send you the address, please come here quickly."

My knees trembled in fear, fuck. I was stunned, I couldn't even move my body for a moment. Is this a prank? Damn it. I hurriedly fixed myself.

"Sir, where's my mom? I'm Stella Ocampo. Where's my mom?!"

My voice sounded a little bit pissed. Well, who am I to be calm at this very moment? "Follow me." he commanded. As we stepped on the elevator, I felt the sudden intensity in my whole system. I wasn't ready, what if? What if she... 'shit'  I cursed beneath my breathe. I don't want to believe it! I just can't!

I heard the click sound as he opened the door, seconds later I saw my mom, sitting in there. I stared at her with half-lidded eye. This isn't true! Why my mom is in there? What happened?! She's not like this!

"Mom." I whispered as I go near her.  "You can see me?! Why can you see me?! No! Go!"

She swayed her hands resulting for me to step backward. "Mom. What happened?"

She looked at me with a teary-eyed. "Why can't I go to heaven? My husband is waiting for me!" 

"You're not dead mom, I'm here. See? I'm alive, you're alive too!"

I freely offered my hand, as if aiming for a warm hug but she didn't take it rather she turned her back at me. Did she forgot about me too? Even if I want to stay longer, the police officer didn't like it. He said, I might trigger her the moment I stayed there for a long time. During the time I was there, I couldn't even move my muscle, all of them doesn't seem to cooperate. My mind was in chaos, I couldn't even think properly, how does this situation happened in just a short period of time?

"Stella!" I looked at person who just shouted my name. It was my friend, Rhea. Oh, I forgot. I called her first by the time I figured out what had happened to my mom. "How's your mom? What happened? Is she sick?" continuous questions she asked, I couldn't even answer it because even me, I just didn't know what had happened.

"Your mom is experiencing a Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."

My mouth fell open, I froze and looked at him with a disbelief in my face. How come did my mom...

"You're lying! You're lying!" I repeated it twice, thrice of even fifth times. Why? I just can't understand!

"My mother is healthy! How come she is experiencing this one?! You're literally not making a sense here! Tell me the truth! I want to know the truth! Please!" I begged, Rhea just continuously tapping my back. My bare face started to get wet, it was the tears rushing through my face. "I'm begging you, tell me the truth." I whispered.

"PTSD  symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not appear until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. In your mom's case, it's the latter one." he explained.

I gasped, now I remember! I was six years old back then, both of my parents when to a town together for a business proposal, along the way, our car crashed resulting into my father's death. My mom made it, after 3 days she regained her consciousness. The burial of my father was fine but I didn't see my mom cried, she was just there staring at my father's coffin. She's not crying or struggling a little, however when night come. I usually heard a sob in their room, she was silently crying when no one is watching. But that was almost ten years ago! It didn't even cross my mind that this thing will happen! "It will get better right?" he nodded. "Of course, it will get treated but..." he paused. But what?

"But it was a double disorder. It will take time."

What is he saying? Double disorder? "Make me understand what  you trying to say! I cannot follow!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Why is this happening?

"Aside from PTSD, she's also inclined in Cotard delusion." I closed my eyes, I was trying really hard to catch my breath. "I assumed you're already aware of that?" I know this kind of delusion. It is a rare condition marked by the false belief that you or your body parts are dead, dying, or don't exist. It usually occurs with severe depression and some psychotic disorders. It can accompany other mental illnesses and neurological conditions. I was studying medicine too, I encountered this years ago. But this is rare case!

“We will do the combination of medication and a form of Talk therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychotherapy. Both of these provide a safe place for people to talk about how they feel, we’ll start with this. Your mom can survive this, alright?” I can see the determination on his face, maybe to make me feel like this situation will pass sooner and later and my mom will definitely overcome it. But that isn’t the case, I know to myself that this will take a lot of time. The worst thing is that, what if my mom can’t make it?

“Don’t be too hard on yourself Stell, you’re braver than this.” I wished that is really the case right now, but why do I feel like I was already at the edge of giving up? I just cannot see the logic in there, before I left the house, my mom was still fine, we talk like how we used to do. In just a short span of time, this happen? How come? And the big question is… Why now?

By the time I walked towards our home, my heart went rough. The vivid scenario wherein my mom was waiting for me, she was either holding a frying pan, a sweeper or a feather duster but most of the time, it was the sprinkler, because of her roses at the backyard. It was her kind of freedom, I remember back when my father is still alive. He used to bring flowers, red roses towards my mom. He told me before that, flower gifts aren’t special at all for it is a common type. “So, why do you still doing it?” I asked him, one time. His answer is, “Because your mom is already special and special gifts would be too boring, a common one would be fine.” And I guess, love doesn’t really need to be special at all times, sometimes things that is common will literally make a great impact as long as you offered it using your heart and that would be enough.

“Dad?” I stared at our picture together, my smile… It’s too genuine, as if I am not having any difficulties. How I wish I could stay at that time. I can do all the things that I want. I eat, play and sleep, then repeat.

I mean, it is not grow up that we fear, it is the responsibilities. The more we age, the more we are exposed to each and every challenge and sometimes, giving up is our last resort.

“Dad, are you listening? Do you miss mom that much?” my heart ache, is this the sign? “I am still not willing to let her go, can’t she just stay for a while? I promise, I’ll be a good cook. I’ll study very hard. Can you please reconsider it? I cannot let her go Dad, it’s too early.” my tears suddenly dropped, I am crying again.

They say, things will be fine the moment we accept it. But is that really the case? Are we really fine or we’re just pretending to be? I can never imagine my life without my mom, surely I can take good care of myself. I can literally learn how to cook properly, do my chores and everything but things will not always be the same when my mom is not around. Every time, I’ll do that I’ll always seek for her presence for I know that I will never get along with her absence.

“Here, drink this. You’re too pale, did you sleep last night? Look at you! Your puffy eyes is waving!” her loud voice seems to be my number one song this early in the morning. “I didn’t get enough sleep yet I’m fine. No worries!” I smiled, to at least lighten the situation. “How’s your mom, is she in the rehabilitation center already?” she took a sip on her juice, so do I.

“Yep. I have no choice. I never know what will happen to her once I let her stay at our house. What if she literally end her life? I couldn’t bear with that!”

I explained.

“That would be fine for now. At least she’s safe there.” 

She offered her food. I slightly shook my head, I am not in the mood to eat. “Maybe later.” she just sighed and got the yellow pad on her bag.

“Here’s my reviewer, I know that you’re good at Anatomy but sucks at Biochemistry. Try this one. I made a copy for you, and this is the hand-outs.”

She throw it to me instantly.  “That would be a very good help. You know that I’m good at summarizing. Right?”she made a thumbs up sign. “You won.” I breathe deeply, my mom is safe right? For now, I’ll stay at ease. I know she’s brave, she’ll overcome it soon, I believe in her because she’s my mom. 

We literally jumped our ass out when the exam is over, damn finals! Why are you so hard? '“Can you check my pulse rate? Am I still breathing? That was hard! Am I going to pass? I tried really to memorize but my brain is really out of cells!”

“You did well. Congrats!” I aim for a high five, she smiled and reached my hand too.

“Let’s go to our house first, my mom made a lot of cookies. We shall let your mom taste it. She might probably get tired of eating foods in the center.” I just nod my head as a response. Her mom really made a lot of cookies. It’s sweet!

“Are you fine? Give me beep okay? I’ll help even if it’s financially, just give me a message.” she slowly patted my head, I smiled at her.

“I’ll give you a call one of these days Tita. Can I?” she flipped my forehead. “Of course you can, don’t hesitate. I’m just a one call away.” her lips curved a smile.

We are supposed to leave their house when I received a sudden text. My knees just lost its control, I couldn’t even move an inch. “Hey, Stell. You’re scaring me!  What happened?!” I was deaf for a while, I can’t hear her continuous shouts. My hands are shaking, my mind can’t function properly. “N-no, this can’t be…” I cannot keep my balance.

“Fuck. Stell, come on listen to me.  This is just a merely dream, I need to wake up!

Hey, listen to me! I was just gasping for some air! My mom… NO! “Stella!”

My mouth went dry as tears hurriedly went down on my face.

“R-rhea… My mom, she’s…"

She immediately pulled me for a hug. I cried, my vision went blur and by that, everything went black.