Hiding In The Shadows

…Tyler POV…

It is with absolute fear in my heart that I am being wheeled into theatre. It feels as if I am falling into an abyss the closer and closer we get. There is a suffocating grip on my heart as each living breath is squeezed from my body. It feels as if a coldness has fallen like a blanket and taken away all the warmth. It feels as if I am slowly fading away.

It's true; I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of the world moving forward without me. Everyone is afraid of something. We fear things because we value them. We fear losing people because we love them. We fear dying because we value being alive. Don't you wish you didn't fear anything? All that would mean is that you didn't feel anything.

I have not always chosen the safest path. I've made my mistakes, plenty of them. I sometimes jump too soon and fail to appreciate the consequences. But I've learned something important along the way: I've learned to heed the call of my heart. I've learned that the safest path is not always the best path, and I've learned that the voice of fear is not always to be trusted.

I am afraid. There is the fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. Take it from me: If you hear fear speaking to you, feel it tugging up your back and running its fingers up your spine, the best thing to do, the only thing, is run.

I fear to die. It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break.

And as I am lying here, staring at this big bright light, every single thing that I could have done differently comes to life.

Is this my chance to finally make peace with not being able to save my parents after that fateful accident?

Has fate come to collect?

So lying here, waiting for them to put me under, which I know this could be the last time that I would be breathing, the last time that I would see the world.

Can I say that I have lived a life that is full? Well, I am leaving behind a wife and two little babies. Where is the fairness in that, but the mention of fairness now plays that night, over and over in my head?

I have never told this story; it depends on whom you are asking, they each have their own version, yet I will never deny or confirm. And it is one that I have not confidently told my wife.

It was a cold rainy Christmas night; the Moore Family returned home after an eventful evening full of laughter and smiles at their dear family friends, the Johnsons. It was relatively late, and my father did not feel confident to take the way home, so I offered to drive instead. Now driving in the rain is not something that makes me feel at ease. Yet that is not an excuse for what happened only but five minutes after we pulled onto the icy roads.

I was going at a fairly decent speed, taking my time and safely navigating my way through the pouring rain. The mood was joyful; we were making plans for the after Christmas party for the next day. It was Moore Family tradition only to hand out presents the day after; my mom used to say that then it is more appreciated for giving a gift on Christmas day was more of a task than a pleasure.

With only a few minutes into our trip, the car caught an ice patch on the road, the tires slipped sharply to the right and then started to rapidly spin out of control. It felt almost like a minute from where the car flipped into the air and tumbled several meters over the wet roads.

I watch in horror as my mother and father lay all battered and bruised in their seats. At the time, I could not establish who was wounded the most. My mother was trapped between the back seat and that of my father's. My father, who failed to wear his seatbelt, went straight into the windscreen, he was slumped over, and I was not sure if he was alive or not.

And then you got me; I was sitting in my seat, untouched, not a single scrape on my head or even my arms. Then this thought that came to my mind was that I just killed my mother and father. But I did not drive recklessly, or did I? I soon put those thoughts to the back of my head and frantically tried to get an ambulance to us as fast as I can; we were going to wait at least wait for fifteen minutes. It was fifteen minutes that my mother and father did not have.

After what seemed more like a frustrating twenty minutes, they finally arrived and gave me the news that their father and mother were still alive. But they were severely injured, and that the medics could not tell me at the time how severe it indeed was. All I know is that they were unconscious and that if we do not get back to the hospital soon, they might never wake up.

So as I sat in the back of the ambulance with my mom, it is hard how you need to choose which parent you want to see die. So as I sat there holding her hand, I kept thinking to myself, if I did not drive so close to the side of the road, then the car would not have slipped on the ice. Perhaps if I did not drove as fast as I should have, if I were driving slower, it would not have slipped so much over the road.

And as I sat there, I forced the driver to keep in contact with the other ambulance to know how my father is doing. Then you start getting the regrets; what if I stayed with my mother and my father passed away instead. In a moment of pure horror, there are so many 'what ifs.' One never knows if the decision you make is the right one. But the ultimate over it all is I should have driven far more carefully than I did.

But as we got to the hospital, if I thought that it would receive better news than I have the whole night, then I was sorely mistaken. It seems that the impact from my father's head against the window was far more severe than what the eye can see. He had swelling on the brain, and they could not tell me if there is any damage until it has gone down.

Then you get my mother; her body was more broken inside than out. She seemed to have some internal bleeding and advised me that they should operate to try and stop it immediately.

So there I sat in a waiting room; I had a father that might never wake up again and a mother that could possibly bleed dry from inside. And all I knew, this was my fault. It was Christmas, the time of year to be joyful and give love to those all around you. But I have just taken the life away from the ones that loved me the most.

I spend my life in that waiting room for the next day, the day that it was supposed to be the after Christmas party for the Moore Family. I watch how they failed and failed to bring that swelling down on his brain, and while he was losing the battle for his life, my mom was failing in her own struggle.

So I realized that my parents would not survive; the only after Christmas gift I can give them was to let them at least be present next to each other as their souls left their broken bodies. Whether they knew it or not, they were holding hands at the time they walked their way together in the world after this one.

Since that day, I vowed two things, I shall never enjoy the jolly that Christmas brings, and never shall I forgive myself for taking away the people who loved me the most. So do I then deserve to receive love myself then? The answer is simple. No.

Now here I am, and I am staring the very same fate in the face. Has it finally come full circle? Has destiny come to collect? But what a cruel way to play a game, for whether it is fate or destiny that has come, they will leave a woman behind that I love. I knew I should have kept my heart at bay and stay away from her, for if I did, she would not be faced with losing me at this very present.

In a way, we have been caught on an icy road, we have just spun out of control, and we are losing our hold on life.

So as I listen to the ungodly machine beeping next to me, it tells me that right now, I am still very much alive, although I am feeling that I am dying over and over again. I do not want to leave Jenna behind. But I know that death is lurking in the shadows, and it will only but take him a moment, and he will come.

Life is not fair…yet we are meant to understand it.

And with that, the light fades, and I am drifting off into the dark.

Let us believe with all the faith and hope that I will be returning soon again.