...Tyler POV...
I have just brought Jenna back home after her first session of chemotherapy. She does seem somewhat surprisingly fine at the moment, but I know that it is only but a matter of time before the fatigue and nausea will hit her.
Does this Cancer not scare me? It scares the hell out of me. But I love her. And love will outnumber, overshadow and overcome all obstacles and odds that are thrown in our way.
She is the love of my life. She is my wife. And there is no other place I would rather be.
Thinking of her brings me warmth, it fills me up and threatens to consume me in every possible way. I would simply die if I could not be with her.
"Can I kiss you?"
"You are so polite in asking."
"I cannot go…"
I place my fingers against his soft lips and wrap his face in my hands. I pull his face closer until there is nothing but a mere breath between our lips. Then I softly whisper. "I thought you would never ask."
…Tyler POV…Jenna, when I think about you, I understand what the Hollies meant when they sang, "Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you."Our love life can be rivaled to the 4th of July fireworks.I still love you and I always will.I have spent my life believing in Love. My heart has been beaten, my heart has been ripped, it has been stamped on, and more than once as you know. But I kept on believing. Because I love Love because I consider life not worth living if you don’t allow your heart to pound.And it is pounding and it is being pounded on, and you turned it all upside down. My schedule, my emotional comfort zone, my whole life. I couldn’t understand what was going on, and really I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t try to plan ahead, I didn’t want to build false hopes, for the very first time in my life I completely let go.I really fell in love…Lovin
…Jenna POV… You can't have healing without sickness. Your body can stand almost anything; it is your mind that you need to convince. It is two weeks today. Two weeks. Fuck. Time is just gone. It is two weeks since the chemo has started, and I am getting really sick. I am still trying to convince myself that my body can win this. But each day, as I look in the mirror and I see something new that is slipping away, I am losing hope. The only one that is not losing hope is Tyler. It is you that are fighting for both of us. You have been there beyond what is even required. From the moment I met you, I knew I'd love you forever, that you were something precious, perfect. After four months of marriage, I still get butterflies when looking into your eyes. You've made me a better person, given me a more fulfilled life, and you've given me a happiness that I didn't know existed. Our lives have changed immensely since that frightening, confusing, life-ch
It is 11 AM; it is another seven hours to go.Tyler is holding my hand so tight that it is becoming numb. He has dozed off and looks so peaceful as he is sleeping. I do not want to wake him up; he has not had a decent night's rest in what seems to be ages. He stays up every night, every day; he is awake almost every waking moment looking after me. He needs these few moments.I am writing this letter as a token of my love to him, as a keepsake for him to treasure, and as a reminder of my commitment to us and our life together."To my dear husband,I want you to know that I love you, ALL OF YOU, and I always will. I am committed to our marriage until death does us part. At times, in moments of deep frustration, I may have questioned otherwise, but that was my immature way of seeking love from you when I should have been looking for you to fill the void in my temporarily wandering heart.Beloved, I know I have hurt you countless times with
…Tyler POV…It has been two hours. Two hours. Fuck. Time is just going by. It is only six hours to go. I am still trying to convince myself that my body can win this. But each time, as I look in the mirror and I see something new that is slipping away, I am losing hope.The only thing that is not losing hope is Jenna. She is fighting for both of us. She is here beyond what is even required.From the moment I met her, I knew I'd love her forever, that she was something precious, perfect. After three months of marriage, I still get butterflies when I look into her eyes. She has made me a better person, given me a more fulfilled life, and given me a happiness that I didn't know existed.Our lives have changed immensely since that frightening, confusing, life-changing day. That morning was normal, happy. We had everything going for us. It almost feels like our lives went on pause and have been on pause ever since. It all happened so fast.
…Jenna POV...Three hours have passed; we have five to go until they take Tyler away.It is five hours that I dread, it is ticking by slowly, and with each ticking second, it is crushing my heart slowly. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together. I am putting my best face forward for Tyler, but I think he can see the fear crumbling in my eyes.What has gone from saying that he does not want to leave me, he is not apologizing. Yet I need to remind him, “Baby, this is not your fault.”“But…”“No, but if it is anyone’s fault here, then it is mine. If I did not make such a mess up in my past, then it would not have come back to haunt me, but most of all, then you would not have gotten hurt.”And as he goes silent, I know that he is playing that day over in his head. I cannot even begin to imagine how much it must haunt him. He has not yet spoken to me about what exactly happ
…Tyler POV…Don't stop believing in yourself, no matter what happens.This is what I repeat in my head over and over as four hours have now passed; the next four hours seem like it is only total agony as we wait in anticipation.The fear that I felt four hours ago has not changed but for a moment. I am still terrified, and I am shocked to horror at what the outcome might be. Yes, I still fear that I will not come back as soon as they put me under. One cannot help but feel this; it is just human; we think the worst before the best even happens.But yes, time has been going by faster than we would have wanted, time spent with bad memories and, do I even dare to say, regrets.We got married three months ago today; Jenna has not said a word, I would love to believe that she has not forgotten, yet I know that we both have so much on our mind at present. But yes, three months ago, we stood across from each other, on literally the hottest fr
…Jenna POV…"Accept it. At some point, you are going to have to accept that this is not your fault. There is nothing that you can do about it."What else you can do nothing about is that five hours have passed, and the next three is dreaded even more than the hour beforeBut, what I can do, is tell you how I feel about you…you this illness…this thing that is tearing us apartYou infiltrate so many lives; how could you remember the details of Tyler’s? I do not remember you entering our thoughts. You were not in our vision at all. You can come to us in shock, all grades of your aggressiveness. I will give it to you; you totally took us by surprise and caught us out!Tyler has one hell of a fight on his hands against you. It is taking all he has to fight. You tear at his body; you mess with his mind; you make him, at times, doubt his desire to carry on fighting you, but trust me when I say that those doubts are moment
…Tyler POV…"It is time to forgive myself. There is nothing that I could have done differently."That is what Jenna says.We have just passed the sixth hour; time is getting so much closer now. In only but a blink, the last two hours will be gone, and I will be facing my fate and future.Things have become quiet; there are long uncomfortable silences between Jenna and me. At times I fear that our marriage is not going to survive, but I think, in fact I know, that there are more times that I believe that I am not going to survive.I have been trying to speak to Jenna about making peace with the possibility that I might not be around for much longer. But she wants to hear nothing of it.I am getting worse.This might have been my purpose, my lesson. But I am not sure what lesson I was supposed to have learned.It confuses me; I pray and ask why. Why had this had to happen to me? I am young and am supposed to have a
…Jenna POV… You can't have healing without sickness. Your body can stand almost anything; it is your mind that you need to convince. It is two weeks today. Two weeks. Fuck. Time is just gone. It is two weeks since the chemo has started, and I am getting really sick. I am still trying to convince myself that my body can win this. But each day, as I look in the mirror and I see something new that is slipping away, I am losing hope. The only one that is not losing hope is Tyler. It is you that are fighting for both of us. You have been there beyond what is even required. From the moment I met you, I knew I'd love you forever, that you were something precious, perfect. After four months of marriage, I still get butterflies when looking into your eyes. You've made me a better person, given me a more fulfilled life, and you've given me a happiness that I didn't know existed. Our lives have changed immensely since that frightening, confusing, life-ch
…Tyler POV…Jenna, when I think about you, I understand what the Hollies meant when they sang, "Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you."Our love life can be rivaled to the 4th of July fireworks.I still love you and I always will.I have spent my life believing in Love. My heart has been beaten, my heart has been ripped, it has been stamped on, and more than once as you know. But I kept on believing. Because I love Love because I consider life not worth living if you don’t allow your heart to pound.And it is pounding and it is being pounded on, and you turned it all upside down. My schedule, my emotional comfort zone, my whole life. I couldn’t understand what was going on, and really I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t try to plan ahead, I didn’t want to build false hopes, for the very first time in my life I completely let go.I really fell in love…Lovin
...Tyler POV...I have just brought Jenna back home after her first session of chemotherapy. She does seem somewhat surprisingly fine at the moment, but I know that it is only but a matter of time before the fatigue and nausea will hit her.Does this Cancer not scare me? It scares the hell out of me. But I love her. And love will outnumber, overshadow and overcome all obstacles and odds that are thrown in our way.She is the love of my life. She is my wife. And there is no other place I would rather be.Thinking of her brings me warmth, it fills me up and threatens to consume me in every possible way. I would simply die if I could not be with her."Can I kiss you?""You are so polite in asking.""I cannot go…"I place my fingers against his soft lips and wrap his face in my hands. I pull his face closer until there is nothing but a mere breath between our lips. Then I softly whisper. "I thought you would never ask."
...Tyler POV...It breaks my heart that everything is again falling apart slowly. I always thought that we would get out of this stronger. But there was always this fear that I will lose her in more ways than one.So I am left here with nothing but my thoughts; if Jenna won't talk, then I hope that she will listen.What is the worst that she can do? Throw me out of the room?I can see there is a slight irritation in her eyes, but she allows me to take her hand. Once she is settled, I softly whisper. In the days before, I used to tell our babies stories. Now, now I am left with...well, it is just her and me again. So I need for her to listen."Jenna.""Yes, Tyler?""I don't want to lose you.""I don't want to talk about this, Tyler.""Then please just listen."She sits up straight and looks me into the eye, waiting rather impatient."Please, Tyler. Can this not wait until later?"With that, I sit back
Faith is about believing. You don't know how it will happen, but it will happen.Sebastian is sitting next to me, holding my hand so tight that it is becoming numb. He has dozed off and looks so peaceful as he is sleeping. I do not want to wake him up; he has not had a decent night's rest in what seems to be ages. He stays up every night, every day; he is awake almost every waking moment looking after me. He needs these few moments.I am writing this letter as a token of my love to him, as a keepsake for him to treasure, and as a reminder of my commitment to us and to our life together."To my dear love,I want you to know that I love you, ALL OF YOU, and I always will. I am committed to our marriage until death does us part. At times, in moments of deep frustration, I may have questioned otherwise, but that was my immature way of seeking love from you when I should have been looking for you to fill the void in my temporarily wandering heart.Belov
...Jenna POV....Strength grows in the moments that you think you cannot go on, but keep going on anyway.That is so much easier said than done.This morning I do not have the strength to do anything at all. Even the dreaded steps that I need to the bathroom every time my body decides to give in is even too much for me.Much to Tyler's horror, I started getting really sick throughout the night. Now, this morning I wish I can say it is because I have morning sickness, but somehow I do not think it could ever be so bad.What is bad is Tyler insisting on holding my hand every time I do. I so wish that he did not have to go through this; in fact, I do wish that I did not have to go through this. But I guess that this is the hand that we have been dealt, and even though it is incredibly unfair, I need to find that strength that Tyler wants me to.But I can't.The sad thing is, I am going to die.So as Tyler takes me back for what se
…Tyler POV…So it has begun.We have been married for four months now, and it feels like just four months ago that we overcame this battle. In fact, through all the craziness of the past four months, it only but feels like we have come full circle. We are right back to where we have started.Well, almost.Jenna has Cancer.There is a lot of speculation and so many unanswered questions.This time, I am not worried about myself; this time, I am worried about the babies, and most of all, I am concerned about Jenna. I do not even know, and I have not even dared to ask what the chances are for Jenna to carry a full-term pregnancy. I guess being left in the unknown sometimes is far easier than having to know all the answers. For once, I can honestly say that I do not wish to know any of them at all.The only question?Where do I find not one but two miracles?Well, I am searching, but by judging the fact at the r
…Tyler POV…We have just come back from a great ordeal. Jenna has only just survived, should I even dare to say, an experience that could have gone different in so many ways with Brendan and then me with my very own near-death scare, now we are heading to the very same destination again. This is not something that one comes back from unscathed. I need Jenna to know that we are okay. This may not be tonight, tomorrow, or the next day, but everything is going to be okay.Now let me tell you a story of a man so lost and incomplete that he dwelled for years in trying to find that one thing that he eluded him so, love. The man that tells you that they do not desire to experience love and not be love in return is not only a liar and a fool. The craving to be loved is a desire that every man wants. I have that love for Jenna, and I know that she has that love for me. We can overcome all of this; we need to be strong.I, myself, am a strong person, but eve
...Jenna POV...We are getting the results of the tests back today.As I am sitting and waiting for Tyler in the bedroom, I can hear as he and the Doctor are having a full-blown argument over the phone. I saw that crushed look on his face when we left the Doctor's room the other day. He is feeling defeated once more again as we have entered the unknown. So he is at heads with the Doctor because they have not received the results. He is hurting once more again, and do I even dare to say it is my fault.So as I see him step through the door, it crushes my heart to pieces. His shoulders are slump, with his head hanging down to the floor. I can see his hands are trembling, and his knuckles are red; he must have hit the wall. The Tyler I know would not have done it; this is a broken man. I don't know where his pieces are to put him back together again. But as his eyes meet my concerned face, he forms the weakest of smiles around his lips. At least he is trying, but I